Tuesday, June 30, 2020

Home. Being Canadian. Summer Solstice.








Midsummer sweetness is about savouring the celebratory aspects of life. Living to the fullest while acknowledging the life doesn't "owe" anyone anything- so the delights are that much more profound. Sometimes people or society ask us to hold back our fierce love of life and we silence ourselves or try to squeeze ourselves into tiny compartments of BEING. We forget it's our ONE life. Being grateful does not negate hardship. If we can, living fiercely is our best gift to LIFE. I try to find the ripeness in life, amongst health scares, oven fires, mini house fire scares, water furnace break downs, anxiety, world issues, weather conundrums, extended family struggles, marriage work and children's needs. Inside the energy of beauty, love, joy and the focus on the positive is where I want to aim to spend most of my mentality when I can. I will readily admit I am in a legitimate depression and struggling with some things, and at first, it took a lot of effort to do anything or see the good. But after a daily habit of the "next right thing"...I still work in energy deficit...but my ability to see the beautiful is getting more poignant and my fortitude to rise to the energetic occasion is taking less time. There is struggle. There is beauty. There is trauma. There is grace.


We all have different desires, meanings and relationships to celebrate. For myself: It's knowing my chosen partner is beside me every night and taking joy in his sleeping face and being in constant awe of his facial perfection. (Also trying not to be envious of his looks as he doesn't even have to try!)


The daily joy is found in the preparation for Summer Solstice Day! One of my favourite afternoons this summer was preparing Rosemary Gluten Free Biscuits, Herb Roast, Fruit infused Juice, and Summer Solstice cake with my children.


I have taken a hermitage lately. I am off of most social media (deleting apps and checking in only once a month for the summer.) My creativity has gone into overdrive again which it tends to do after built up stress or when I actually have more time to myself. I love the little things in life. I love gardening (especially with my roses), hugging trees, re decorating, dusting crystals, preparing baking, ordering solar lights online, shopping for groceries, snuggling my children, loving my husband and taking back roads empty for miles with the music blasting, walking to my parents for quick hello, visiting old and new friends via email or in person when time permits, and talking to kind costumer service agents. (That last one is weird but A LOT of my time lately has been dealing with costumer service in all industries due to break downs and orders etc and I am finding that I am enjoying many of the kind people which is another shock!)


I decided that we needed to build a few structures in our backyard including a stone wall. We had a bunch of free stone we need to use up so why not? Luckily my husband is excellent at literally building my dreams. I decorate, stain, and help with whatever parts I can and then read to him while he works. My children will participate in heavy lifting and learning how to use all the tools etc. I LOVE working together. My family may grumble at times but I think they mostly like it too. Probably not as much as me. People often ask me how I have fun. THIS IS MY FUN:





Since I discovered oil based paint pens, my eldest son ( he is my drawing artist) and I have a new list of things to do!


I also love my Seasonal Holidays. My sister usually joins us for the marking of these occasions. This time my mother and her crafted summer wreaths for her contribution to the feasting day. 



My mother knowingly joked that my house was too full inside/decked out that I had to move outside. Actually, that was exactly it. I wanted to decorate and I could not find a free space that I felt like changing, so I looked outside and thankfully it's a season where I can expand the magic. I now have five mirrors in my backyard. I love it!







We have had an unusual rainy season with loads of mosquitoes. Our town also experienced unusual winter kill on many of our trees and plants so working outside has been interesting! However, we have found work arounds and bits of time between weird weather patterns. The last few weeks I have concentrated on paint/ stain touch ups, solar light and rose maintenance, weeding, transplanting and creating a fairy land of differing traditions into our landscape. My husband found two maple trees on discount begging to be taken home so we now have our Canadian symbols sitting on either side of our front steps. I was so upset that our little pine trees died but the Maple trees are their own beauty. I am finding that what feels like a curse can often be a blessing and what can feel like a blessing sometimes is a curse. When my son woke to the sound of our water being pumped out of our water boiler, I thought curse. Turns out it was good it happened and we had a quick, fairly cheap fix in what could have been way worse. I love the town we live in and how each business is attainable, friendly and unconcerned about the Covid rules which do not make full sense or foster true kindness, but concerned for overall health of each citizen (which is how it should be.) It's such a beautiful aspect to just BE. (Of course hand washing and light social distancing happens but it's business as usual and many people are living out rich lives due to this mentality. We minister to the sick when possible and protect the innocent but still live.) My kids have had their friends over and are happily adjusting back to life in community.





Tomorrow is Canada day. I loved that DISNEY PLUS honoured it in their own small way:

Seeing the Maple leaf always makes me smile. I adore my country. Some say it is a country that lacks identity- but hasn't each country in history struggled to find their way in their first 100 years of establishment? When we are children we have in born identity but we also have much of our identity to discover, grow, and grapple with. But to give a child no sense of identity or to say they don't have one can be misplaced and dangerous. We need to remind children of the traits they show, while giving them the possibility and freedom to develop a sense of place within and without. While Canada may have some past mishaps and has it's own con list, overall, it is a place that has offered freedom to most who have sought it out. Most countries also have had to grapple with first discovers, Indigenous peoples, and the tricky nuances of that. Whenever I get confused, I just remind myself to treat everyone with respect and dignity, that there is essentially one people group- the human race- and it is essential that we all treat each other with that value. We need to rise rooted, even if we feel displaced or injustices have been done. We also need to reconcile and heal in our individual relationships. 

Canada is a place that gives wide open spaces and camera free drives for hours. The landscape changes drastically an hours drive away. There are gorgeous streams, mountains, prairies, and badlands. We are free to worship as we choose, school as we choose, and love whom we choose. Our businesses provide prompt service in emergencies or when our power or utilities go out. Our weather may be crazy and we may have 8 months of winter, but the seasons are that much more poignant. We have mostly equal opportunities for all who seek to work or BE. Our history has some injustices, and healing takes time. I do not have all the answers in that regard... but as far as country history goes, the years of remedying injustice equal out to far less than most other places in the world, some of which took centuries or more to change. This is also because we are one of the newest countries in that regard. Canada is still a baby. It's important to celebrate the good and the victories because if we only focus on trauma, pessimism and grief, anger and sadness and bitterness take prominent root. While all the above are legitimate emotions and phases in life, to stay inside them is a travesty too. Otherwise where is the hope? What is there to LIVE for? What is the point of healing if we can not grasp, in gratitude, the good while also making space for trauma healing?

My grandpa is Indigenous. He grew up with some racism/ discrimination. He went unjustly to jail for punching a man who committed a grave crime against my grandmother. Yet, he still loves Canada and what he was able to have in this country. He still respects the police force- he did blame the one bad cop, terrible guard, and the one discriminatory judge, but he liked many of the other friends on the force that he made during his time. (I do not know if I would have the same balance if I went through what he did but I admire it.) Does he have issues with some aspects and carry trauma from his experiences? Yes, but I love what he has taught me about the place that I live. I love that he still takes great pride in his country. It was an example of both the pros and cons of my country from a young age. He gave a realistic, sad glimpse but provided a larger story full of determination, opportunity, and work ethic for me to honour and cherish.

On Father's Day we stopped in to see him and my father, while providing breakfast for my husband's dad. These men all helped us become who we are today. We are thankful for their roles in our life. It is not always easy to see eye to eye on some aspects and we all have our histories, but there is great beauty in so many aspects of our relationships too. 

My dad cracked up when we gave him two trees, one of which was very Charlie Brown ish and my son serendipitously drew a Charlie Brown card (purely coincidence but my father noticed the similarities right away!)



I love that near where I live tacky dinosaurs are on Grocery store walls. I love that there is disinfectant everywhere but in most places there are also pretty lax rules again. I love that people are semi careful but also living, smiling and greeting each other again. I love that in one store I see people from all different countries, skin tones and abilities, being polite and kind to one another. It's not the exception but the norm. Cruelty is the exception. How are we shaping a better society if we maintain a dialogue that the majority are racists, cruel, bigotry, ignorant people? While it is a sad fact that some people do in fact struggle with these terrible states, look around the grocery store to see the diversity and respect. As Mister Rogers often stated, "Look to the helpers." Look around at the helpers and your faith in humanity may be restored slightly. Is that not a heart healthy perception? It's tougher to do, perhaps, and takes time and attention to notice, but off of social media, people are not all ignorant racists or uneducated bigots. Most people want other people to be treated with respect and kindness. Just be a good human being and circulate the conversations that install hope and beauty in the world, while compassionately dealing with the trauma that may come up in healing.



I love people but I struggle with people. Thus, I am hermiting into my surroundings. Because I see more good than bad with my own eyes, which is vastly different from what media/news is feeding me. I have had my share of strife, cruelty and personal differences in the last month, but I still see the beauty of the human spirit everywhere.

While we are seeing more people than we did for months, it is still with plenty of alone time in between. I am allowing myself to sleep longer, skip social stuff, and stay off world news. I am still detoxing. But good food, laughter, nightly tuck ins and fabulous birthday celebrations help.




Beauty is in the moment that my grandmother goes through her jewellery with my daughter and tries to hide her tears because she has a few more months to live. It's when they both lovingly touch each piece. Or when my daughter comes back home and bawls because she remembers Grandma wearing and cherishing it all and hates that she has to part with it now to get ready for her next phase of the life cycle. Beauty is in Grandma making sure each of her grandkids and her last living daughter have what they need for memories.


Beauty is my mother showing up with lunch ingredients on the last day of the month because our fridge and pantry are always empty on the last three day’s ( we wait for our cheque to put our bank account back up from forty cents till next month again.) It's her enlisting my daughter to help because she knows I had 4 hours sleep. They allow me to "blog rest" while they work.



Beauty is in my therapist sending me the poem "If" by Rudyard Kipling (*below) because it reminds him of me. He encourages me to frame it on my wall to remind me not to lose my both sides perspectives ,even if it gives me more grief from others...it's worth it for my life.

Beauty is in my family. Sometimes I forget to truly look at their faces. To notice the freckles, smile crinkles, gap teeth or pointy smile...all parts of them I love. Aspects individual to them that remind me of the fragility and strength of life.


Beauty is preparing my body and treating it as part of myself. It's allowing rest days but also remembering to adorn, pamper and even restrict at times for an outcome I wish to achieve. It's to see myself as part of nature. Beauty is to see my body as not just a vessel but a large aspect of the way I am in the world and to honour it.

Beauty is my window crystals always begging me to take a moment and stare. I watch them sparkle. I look beyond them at the ever changing sky. And I find that I am breathing deeply again. My eyes fill with gratitude. I can't seem to get enough and at the same time it is everything.

To my fellow Canadians: Happy Canada Day- Savour the parts of home you love! To the rest of the world: May you have aspects of Summer that bring you HOME.

Song Choice: Blossom- James Taylor  (This song has been on repeat lately. Love it.)






If...
Rudyard Kipling
If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too;

If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or being hated, don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise:

If you can dream - and not make dreams your master;
If you can think - and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same;

If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to broken,
And stoop and build 'em up with wornout tools:

If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breathe a word about your loss;

If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: 'Hold on!'

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with kings - nor lose the common touch,
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you,
If all men count with you, but none too much;

If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run -
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And - which is more - you'll be a Man my son! 


(Written at a time when women were treated differently- luckily that has changed so just translate. Words still are amazing and sentiments.)

10 comments:

Anonymous said...

What a wide ranging exploration of nurturing the human spirit.. MR

Witchcrafted Life said...

Your posts are like journeys, each takes us down a bevy of paths, delights and inspires us, causes us to think deeply and candidly, and leaves us wanting eager for the next exciting trip.

Autumn Zenith 🧡 Witchcrafted Life

PS: Happiest Canada Day wishes to you and your family!

Amy said...

Beautiful – smiles and tears as I read. Thank you for sharing, K! ❤

I am so inspired by the trueness and intuitive flow that you live by and give your family permission to live by. I have been feeling so many of the same the pulls to savor, slow down, sleep more and find beauty in all the little ordinary happenings.

Love you and happy Canada day to you,
Amy

Ashe said...

Happy Canada Day! :)You're so upbeat that sometimes I forget you have depression. Granted, depression is basically a defensive neurological rewiring after going through some things, or so agrees my therapist.Our kids are still too little for us all to fully work together, but it's become a spring and summer treat for the kids to play in the yard. Little kids are cute. Building and tending things as a family is fun! It hinges on attitude though. I hated gardening as a kid because my dad was always a grouch. He once made me work in a field without giving me a chance to put in my contacts first after snapping at everybody to get up at the butt-crack of dawn, and I was really nervous about stepping on a venomous snake since I couldn't see clearly. I've made it a strict rule that the kids are never to be forced to work in the garden. They may have to make their own food someday and they don't need to resent it and avoid it.
I've planted five more trees this year. Four were maples, and one was a redbud. I love maples. They're often large and robust enough to offer shade, but small and delicate enough they won't completely demolish everything under it if a tornado comes, unlike taller and larges trees like oaks, pecans, pines, and poplars. My grandfather next door has sugar maples, and it's a highlight of autumn watching them light up gold.
Our weather has been weird too. Our "winter" was almost a perfect weekly cycle of 70F, rain, 40F, rain, and repeat. We had frost at the end of April! Summer has been milder weather of 70F and I'm starting to worry we'll have nonstop 90s in July in August, assuming it comes at all. Very unpredictable this year!
Human customer service reps are the best! I have to call them at work to schedule pick-ups. Recently had one more anxious dude apologizing about his headset misbehaving, so I started swapping stories about customer complaints with bad connections and had him laughing. He was still a bit anxious by the time we finished, but I like to make people laugh if the situation permits. Too much negativity in the world.The media doesn't accurately reflect what I see and experience either. Most people mind their own business, may randomly strike up conversation over a shared laugh in the store (like neither being able to find an elusive item), us taller or more able folk getting items from top shelves for smaller or less able folk, holding doors is just a standard part of using a normal door, and we mind our "ma'am"'s and "sir"'s. Rude people are the exception and not the norm, and I've certainly never witnessed the blatant discrimination in modern times like the media claims happens. What I've seen is just a handful of the older generations grumbling privately behind closed doors, with just as many of those generations saying, "finally, enough is enough, and thin

Anonymous said...

things have changed".

So, er, I guess Canada does have some sort of food assistance program? I hope it's kinder than the one here in the States. Our house used to have assistance after I swallowed my pride and admitted I couldn't feed us on $50/week anymore, but once I took over the tax business, we lost it because they would only count my gross income and would not count my business expenses. They didn't care that my net income shown on the front page of my tax return was pretty much the same as always. I hope there's less stigma in Canada too. I was always really embarrassed to pull out that foodstamp card. Sounds like Canada is ahead of the game if they just quietly put it in your bank account.

---
Ashe Skyler

Kmarie said...

MR; thank you and you are also a big part of that experience!

Autumn;
Happy Canada day! I hope you have a beautiful day! Awe I love how you described the post. It’s one of the most lovely statements! Seriously that’s my hope and I tend to connect a lot and hope something is not boring or something is needed to my audience! I’m so glad it was! ♥️🧡♥️All my love!

Kmarie said...

Amy;
Awe I’m glad it inspires positivity and emotion;)

Thank you! I do feel that my authentic best life is lived in cycles. I’m glad you are feeling that need to honour yours too! Such different seasons in one year!

Thank you neighbour! Love to you too!
Love ❤️
K

Kmarie said...

Hey Ashe!
Thank you �Yes most people forget I struggle with depression although this kind of depression is different from other types I have had… Whereas postpartum depression was a nightmare and different and I get PMDD before ever. Which is also a nightmare but then I cycle through where I cost sensory-based and chronic illness space depression which is hard to explain but I can easily pull myself out of it compared to other depressions on a day-to-day basis to a degree. I don’t know how to explain it but I do cycle through a depression depending on my chronic illness symptoms Yes most people forget I struggle with depression although this kind of depression is different from other types I have had… Whereas postpartum depression was a nightmare and different and I get PMDD before every. Which is also a nightmare but then I cycle through where I call sensory-based and chronic illness space depression which is hard to explain but I can easily pull myself out of it compared to other depressions on a day-to-day basis to a degree. I don’t know how to explain it but I do cycle through a depression depending on my chronic illness symptoms and Stress and lack of sleep all contributes. But if I keep a pretty good handle on all the factors it’s less pregnant. So I would say it’s less of a chemical brain thing and more of a life circumstance thing in this case. Oh yes I remember when my kids were little and sometimes I asked that they work beside me but I like that they just played and explored. I miss that stage a lot too although I love this stage.
I hate gardening as a kid to and I admit there are aspects of it I dislike still. Francis I wasn’t allowed to wear gloves when I was little or else we didn’t have any I don’t know which. But now I cannot stand gardening without gloves on. Plus it’s better for me anyways with my conditions. I also have a hard time if there are too many bugs so I try to be fully covered even if it’s hot.
Ooooo That sounds delightful. I love trees and planting them. We have way too many in our yard now and it’s gonna be full of shade once they grow.

Kmarie said...

Yeah I love maples. We do have a bit of a tornado zone but it’s smaller to me and tornadoes compared to the states and I would be remiss if I had to plant trees based on that but I totally understand.
It is unpredictable! World wide but the globe has always gone through phases of light warming and cooling so I’m hoping the next phase will be more to my liking! Lol cmon world!!!:) jj
Awe youre so nice to costumer service agents! I have to admit sometimes I get frustrated but most of the time they are so nice! Yes positivity out into the world matters!Agreed - I love your examples. While people do have bad days or frustrations and normal human emotion ( which isn’t abuse or cruelty) cruelty or abuse in the daily life of people in business is the exception. There obviously are things that need addressing case by case and terrible things but overall there are more kind loving people than nought.
We did early in our marriage need to go to food bank but we are fine now - it just gets tight groceries wise the Last week of the month as we are terrible at savings ( altho mostly debt free!) So we have like 40cents in our account the last day of the month but then my husband gets paid and it fills up again and is mostly spent the first week on all bills and monthly groceries:) it’s how we’ve lived for years and I think we live well :) but yes Canada does have some good programs and our govt money for our kids heavily helps us in mid month - I always count down the days! But I kind of love shopping for deals and thrift finds and making our home beautiful with hard work and a budget!:) ( sometimes not tho!) I’m glad you got help when you needed it!
In case I miss it I hope you have a grand fourth! And remember that your country abolished slavery 85-100 (ish depending on state) yrs after being established and many of the Europeans who settled faught for slavery to be abolished globally too which was unprecedented in Human history prior to and many countries had been established for centuries before even considering that aspect. Many countries had never thought to do that so early in their history . The media tries to make people forget the incredibly good... the ways that your country stands for freedom and justice too and how so many fled there and still had better quality of life ... and that many refugees or slaves in history were also white ( Irish being a large one!) It doesn’t negate the tragedy or terrible terrible cruelty of slavery nor the fact that we should keep our focus on the thousands of children and women in the sex Slave trade still today - but it does also give the balance that there is some history that was morally aiming high and many people ( most) got on board with that in the past too. Your country has also given so much and as far as histories go - has many noble things that it tried to build upon - so happy July fourth neighbour if I forget! Love
K

Anonymous said...

Beautiful post my girl. I love how positive you are In it. It lifts up the spirits and inspires others to see the beauty and celebrate the joy. - SN