The 'Wicked' Movie- A FULL CIRCLE Moment

* There are no spoilers for the movie unless you know nothing about the original broadway play.*

The first time I heard this song Defying Gravity in 2005 my heart beat wildly. My aunt had sent me a fuzzy Broadway bootleg clip of Idina and Kristin. She stated, "I think this will be up your alley." Little did she know that she would fuel an obsession that would take me through the next twenty years of my life. I watched Defying Gravity and the emotions thrumming in my chest sang, "This is it. This is the song I have always been looking for!" The untold story of the Wizard of Oz through the Broadway Play Wicked hit my heart in a very personal way. While I loved the bubbly character of Glinda, it was Elphaba, the seemingly wicked, whom I could strongly relate to. I found pirated versions online of Idina Menzel playing Elphaba and Kristin Chenoweth as Glinda. (In those days there wasn't streamlined social media nor the clips we have today. It took hours of searching and I also did not have any Broadway friends. I was alone in my Broadway obsession's at the time.) 

I bought the full soundtrack on Itunes and listened to it over and over again. I had to guess the storyline from the songs until mainstream media finally had more accessible information on the entire play. I ordered Broadway merch online from Ebay. Anytime I saw the word "Wicked" on anything Halloween I would buy it. My husband has the soundtrack memorized from the multiple times I played it to the city and back. Also, whenever I was upset (which was a lot in those days) I also played it. I fell in love...my only other prior loves coming close to that level in media were Gene Kelly dancing in the rain and Judy Garland singing in any movie, but Judy especially singing Over the Rainbow in the Wizard of Oz. The first screenplay I wrote at age eight was a knock off of the Wizard of Oz in which I forced the neighborhood children to practice and perform for our parents. Of course I was director and Galinda the Good witch swirling in a pink dress and feeling like the world was an amazing place. ( I was a bit of a diva I’m told. In my twenties I got a lot of flack for it so I mercilessly squelched that side of my persona.) But truthfully, I wanted to be Judy Garland until I read her biography at age ten. I was five when I cried for hours over the shortness of life. I cried for my teddy because he didn't have a soul. I sobbed for Judy Garland because she was no longer alive. It was my first metaphysical crises. I don't know what brought it on exactly. I think the main trigger was that I had just finished watching Meet Me in St. Louis with my mom and she happened to mention that all the people in the movie were dead. Maybe, she thought, that being only five, this fact would breeze over my head. Instead it breezed into my brain and remained there forever. The truth of time was already hammering its rules into my subconscious. 

Each year I would google Wicked movie remake rumours, hoping my favourite original Broadway gals Kristin and Idina, would be included. Fast forward to this year of 2024, the night before my movie attendance, and I woke to nightmares of hating the movie. I was nervous and dreading it more than I was excited about it. Would they ruin it for me forever? Would the obsession that calmed me during my post baby blues of my third child, carried me through my Autism diagnosis at a time when barely anyone was discussing Asperger's Syndrome/ Autism, and brought me through lonely hours of washing dishes as a mother of three belting out the soundtrack over and over again, be irrevocably ruined forever by this movie?

From the moment the opening started, I was left breathless. The dashing Jonathan Bailey Dancing Through Life completely crushed any lingering whispers of doubt. He may have surpassed Gene Kelly for me (in that moment) which is saying A LOT. The movie did not feel like 3 hours - I could have stayed longer (which anyone who knows me would be surprised at, because I constantly check the time at theatres as I tend to have panic attacks in them.) I am eager about part two. It also helped, that a journey that began as an isolated obsession, was shared with a van full of 6 theatre gals, whom belted out the showtunes from the original the entire way there, playing with harmonies and expressions of each character. We even dressed up together, which I did often as a Witch from 2005 onward, but in a conservative town, the word Wicked was often just chalked up to the evils of humanity (along with most witchy things until Harry Potter movies created a happy mainstream beauty to that witchy wonder.) I can not count how many times I was asked why I had that word 'Wicked' all over my house or what my obsession with witches meant, or the meaning of the lyrics to Defying Gravity that were a decal on my library wall. Which is understandable when it is out of context, but I would get so excited when the odd person would know what it was or be open to hearing ALL about it. To come to a place in societal time when dressing up in costume is barely a blip on people's radars (or gets the full compliments) and Wicked is one of the most searched news currently, it feels like a full circle moment. 

A couple years ago, when we did our renovations, I gave most of my Wicked stuff to my daughter. I was trying to be more grown up. I was trying to fit more into my town. Maybe if I had less Wicked words around my home, the church people groups would host more events at our home? I noticed that while people raved about our family and our home, when we offered to host official churchy things, it was gently rebuffed even though our home is set up to entertain and host. Luckily, we are still massive hosts in the community to those who may not fit, and those who love to be a part of our family existence. But at the time of getting rid of stuff, I thought that maybe people would be less scared of me? Although, the caveat to this was some very conservative friends, whom loved me, knew about my obsession, and even though they did not understand it, they would buy me witchy things for my home. One friend brought me a signed photo from Idina Menzel (I cried) and another brought me witchy shoes and brooms ( cried at that one too!) One of my dearest blog friends from down in the States, made me a witchy quilt with parts of my shirt from the Broadway version and other material I sent her. It is still one of my most treasured possessions. In fact, I can think of many lovely gifts my home was filled with from people who cared including wicked T shirts and memorabilia. I adore that about my life.

 

Needless to say, last night I asked my daughter if I could have my stuff back. To which she replied, "Of course mommy, I kept it for you, I know you go through these extreme stages and I knew it was so much of your soul that hopefully something would re ignite and remind you of that." Maybe the decal can eventually find its way back on to my living room sliding door at least? I miss it. 

In all honesty I still feel you can’t beat Idina or Kristin in Broadway’s Wicked but it didn’t ruin it for me at all. The sound felt a bit “muddy” at times and the dancing a tiny bit modern but beautiful, and there were a few times that I missed the original humour of the quirky Broadway charm…but those are my only notes. I have a feeling after multiple watches this may become my new movie obsession. As for the soundtrack - I try to listen to the movie one but it just doesn’t hold up to the quality of the original Broadway soundtrack - so I always end up switching back to that. The vocal ability of the original broadway cast is phenomenal. 

Today, I dug through my old blog archives from a previous blog I took offline, and found more than a few posts on the topic of Wicked. When Glee sang their first Wicked song, I bawled. Finally something mainstream was sharing my love with me. Finally, I heard people talking more about Wicked.  Broadway across Canada brought it home to me a few years later, and each time it came to my vicinity I attended. First with my sister, than my entire little family, and then my good friend and finally my husband and I. I found the post I wrote after my first attendance written in 2011. I feel I have had a lot of growth since the writings of the post, but the core of whom I am, and the deep love I have for each song in the musical has not changed. Now the world shares the love with me, and I am better for that sharing. Now I have friends who are re igniting my love of musicals and Broadway. The heart of whom I have been since a toddler, but often pushed aside in social circles due to baffled looks, is now understood by multiple people outside of my sister, children and husband! That old soul is rising like a Phoenix. I now I see that I’m also a lot like Galinda ( to the point my husband thought she acted more like me in the movie … it’s funny the lenses we see ourselves in as opposed to how someone else sees us?) My father asked my husband, “Which one do you see your wife more in because for me I saw her in both strongly - isn’t that really weird?” 

My husband laughed and replied, “ That's what I thought! She has such a two sided strong persona !”  My mom would state something akin to, “She was more Galinda as a child and teen and Elphaba as a young adult.”  Which is accurate to a point - I was oblivious to my differences with autism into adulthood created a rude awakening and brought up a few issues of my childhood… ( lol my daughter was jealous she wasn’t compared to anyone but she said it was fair since it was my favourite film ever and we see her in many other films.)

 I see my past years of becoming as tumultuous and full of drama and mistakes. I was awkward (still am but not quite as much.) I sometimes was self absorbed while trying to figure out who that self was. I lacked confidence often due to sometimes being quite isolated. But now, I see that the person I am today is slightly more balanced. I quite like her. I know she is IMAGO Dei. I see her in a different light. She also now fits the swirls of both pink and green comfortably without needing excuses as to why. Wicked was a large part of that journey. I know without a doubt, that the CREATOR of all that IS good, loved her and this journey for her too. The one WHOM IS has a surprisingly different set of standards and I know that while I was singing, SPIRIT was enjoying the heightened joy of my soul, right along with me.

(The broom a dear friend gifted me with too and I also got teary. I love it!) 

To see that full circle journey, I am sharing my old post down below along with some previous photos. Enjoy!

Post edit: My best friend from HERE ( https://worldwecreate.blogspot.com/2019/03/sad-endings-can-equal-calm-beginnings.html?m=1 ) wrote to me after we watched the movie together and stated, “ Alphaba, really did remind me of you! Totally!! Head strong, good morals, the weight of the world on her shoulders, scholarly:) yep!“ 

***Below posts were Written in 2011. Keep in mind that terms I use like "Aspie" were ok at that time and even promoted. Also, there are aspects of myself then, that I have let go of now...but I find it beautiful to see this full circle of what was written more than a decade ago!***

Excuse me for this completely frivolous post. I am shamelessly promoting 'Wicked'. One word:

Phenomenal.

This is my favourite Broadway Musical. The comedic script inconspicuously brings several deep themes into the audience's mind. Contrasting the hidden depth is the artistic design. It is apparent from the tiny beads covering the gorgeous costumes, to the dragon head topping the magical set, that all the little details showcase talent. Exceptional. I have listened to these songs on Itunes with the Original Broadway Cast recording over and over. Indina Menzel and Kristin Chenoweth sing for that compilation. If you are a fan of Broadway hits at all I would recommend looking it up on Itunes. 

The lyricist Stephen Shwartz is brilliant. My spirit flies high when I hear 'Defying Gravity,' My passion is ignited with 'As Long As Your Mine,' laughter is invoked for 'Popular,' and 'For Good' brings all past friendships to the forefront of my mind. 

These passionate feelings simply from listening to a few songs were nothing compared to the live experience. "Everyone deserves a chance to fly...To those who ground me- take a message back from me. Tell them how I am defying Gravity. I'm flying high."

To anyone who longs for a place to belong, or the soul who feels a bit different... WICKED speaks to you. I would not recommend the original book. Although the writing is well done, I found it quite perverted. (This is coming from someone who can be quite comfortable with sexual content but I found the original Wicked book lacked taste.) However, the play would not be in existence without the book... which gives a slight point of redemption. The themes in the play focus on friendship, misunderstanding, discrimination, judgements, and the age old adage that appearances can be deceiving.

(It was tough to perfect a wicked look when hundreds of people were waiting their turn for a picture. Ah well.)

My sister gave me tickets as a Christmas present...and I have been waiting ever since. We both decided to go full out. Not many were dressed up for an afternoon which made it that much more fun. We even bought cheesy matching shirts and indulged in a pre-show Ozmopolitan drink. ( Fabulous green vodka.)

I think she wanted me to stop saying "yay we're here" so she stuffed the cherry down my throat. I at least kept hers a bit away:) I cracked up when the picture was done...after I stopped gagging...

At our after show meal, my waiter asked if I was one of the actresses in the Broadway production. (The bonus of living in a hick city full of wranglers and cowboy hats. Needless to say he was tipped well:)

I completely relate to Elphaba...although I have some ditzy pieces of Galinda in there. I think perhaps that is why I love this show. I may not be green but I can relate to not being the skinny gal, the spunky blond, or the gal whom life comes easier to (although let's be real, sometimes it does and I am happy for those times.) I understand wanting to hang out in libraries or museums instead of clubs and parties. I understand passion at an injustice threatening those who may not stand for anything. I understand finding fulfillment in books or a craft. I often make a mess out of trying to do good...which ends up being bad. I understand being misunderstood. Being taken as wicked or witchy when I am just being me. In fact the more I think on it, the more I see myself in Elphaba...at least she gets some magic out of the deal...well, and the man too I guess. Thank God I did get that!
 I am in love with Wicked. If you ever get a chance to splurge...
Try Wicked.

"Something has changed within me. Something is not the same. I'm through with playing by the rules of someone else's game."-(Defying Gravity) My life anthem. In three sentences. A song that I want played in the video montage at my funeral. (Yes, I want a cheesy video montage.) (lol 2024 update - I don’t want this at my funeral. Ha ha;) 

In  the book Asperkids Jennifer Cook O Toole describes her Aspie daughter's obsession. "The following summer, when her dad and I went to see Wicked: The Untold Story of the Witches of Oz (2003) on Broadway, she was so enthralled with my descriptions of the plot and music that she literally begged me to pull up bootleg recordings of Elphaba the witch on Youtube. The soundtrack became background music to our lives, posters decorated her room...That love has never gone away. Last year at age 7, I finally took her to see Wicked...(Jennifer goes on to describe that her daughter also has an obsession with Athena and the Percy Jackson series...I also love those.) So what did this tell me about my child? Actually, it wasn't that hard to see if I sat with her "friends" for a while. In WICKED, we learn that the villain  the one who is "different," is actually the heroine. Against all odds, Elphaba will "defy gravity," flying upwards, embracing the awkward witchy costume others have assembled for her as they continue to misunderstand her efforts to "do good." From high atop the theater, she sings defiantly to the jeering mob below, rejecting their slanderous name calling. Elphie is free of their intimidation and condemnation. No. No amount of disdain can topple her..."- Jennifer Cooke O Toole

"As loud as my daughter could yell, as tall as her little body could stand, my daughter was saying that yes, she knew she was different, but that was because of- not in spite of- her very differences that she mattered, that she belonged..she too was hoping that there was a real place she belonged. She needed the world to know that she was neither wicked nor weird, she was just supposed to be. And so I spoke in her language. I hugged her and sang a line from Wicked, because I knew nothing would be more potent than her own special interest in letting her know I GOT it. I heard her. Softly I called upon the lyrics of friendship and admiration. She, too would change the whole world, like Elphie had changed those who truly knew her, "for good."- Jennifer Cooke O Toole

Like Elphie sings, "I'm limited. Just look at me. I'm limited...and just look at you. You can do all I couldn't do Glinda." The fact is...I AM limited. I feel continually misunderstood in my efforts to do good. Those who are normal seem to get accomplished easily what I sweat to put into practice. I have often longed to be free of the condemnation and constant correction of others. It's an Autistic/ Aspie issue. I know it definitely is, which may be tough for some to understand, but my differences have coloured every interaction of my life. When all I want to do is change someone indefinitely for GOOD.

I want to know that I have impacted my friends to the point that they would be tempted to use For Good at my funeral. Yes, I am that passionate about it. "I've heard it said, that people come into our lives for a reason, bringing something we must learn, and we are lead to those who help us most to grow, if we let them...and we help them in return."(For Good lyrics) I feel many people have been led to me and away from me. I do believe it is because I stretch people...and they definitely stretch me. I would not have it any other way. I want to have that impact. That strong reaction. I think it is why many can not foster long term relationships with me, and why many women are either intimidated or loathe me. (Yes I have heard the stories and I have bawled my eyes out because I did not know what I did. I was myself. And by being myself I am often disliked. I am not saying this for pity. Just stating a fact like Aspies often do.) The song goes on as Glinda sings to Elphaba, "But I know I'm who I am today because I met you...who can say if I've been changed for the better but because I knew you I have been changed for GOOD." That line is the greatest compliment ANYONE could give me. It's the inner desire of my soul. Elphaba sings back, "So let me say before we part, so much of me is made from what I learned from you. You'll be with me like a hand print on my heart. And now whatever way our stories end. I know you have re written mine by being my friend." That is how I feel about every significant friend that has crossed my path. There are some crucial friends who have made ME because of what I learned from them. Being an Aspie, I absorb characteristics, I watch nuances, I find personality traits I want or can relate to and fashion them into myself. I partially make myself up out of facets of whom I choose to be friends with. It's just how we learn to relate. Luckily, I have chosen well. I would say I have very good taste when it comes to people to imitate, give back to, and become friends with.

I make a lot of mistakes. I know I am not the easiest friend to live with. I make people passionately angry at me, and slightly annoyed, and also strongly endeared. It can not be easy to sit on that rollar coaster ride. I often send this line out to all I know; "Because I knew you. I have been changed for Good. And just to clear the air. I ask forgiveness for the things I have done you blame me for."
Glinda sings back, "But then I guess we both have blame to share, and none of it seems to matter anymore." I WANT that. I want the blame to be shared. I want my contacts to see that in their own lesser way they also had a different part of responsibility...and then I want it not to matter. Because it does not to me once reconciliation is talked upon.

(My husband gave these figurines for my thirtieth and he hand painted Galindas hair as they were both from the Wizard of Oz but he wanted them to be reminiscent of wicked. There wasn’t much streamlined paraphernalia and I squealed when I opened them!) 


The Wizard and I...This song hits home because Elphie sings about how she hopes the Wizard will explain her curse/gifts ect and change her exterior to match others, and how she will finally have some merit after living with constant rejection. In childhood I was often overlooked, or chosen as second best by my friends. The song, "I'm not that girl" sums it up perfectly, "Every so often we long to steal to a land that what might have been but that does not settle the ache we feel when reality sets back in. Blithe smile, light limb, she who's winsome  she wins him. Gold hair with a gentle curl, that's the girl he chose and heaven knows I'm not that girl. Don't wish. Don't start. Wishing only wounds the heart. I wasn't born for the rose and pearl. There's a girl I know. He loves her so. I'm not that girl." I feel I should be one of those girls who manages to keep nails immaculate. The ones who complete a polish of their entire being on a daily basis. I wonder with awed curiosity how they live? As much as I lived under that illusion in my past or can create it for photos; I am NOT. That. Girl. Perhaps that is why Elphaba is one of my favourite roles? Perhaps that is why I cried through all the songs in Wicked's musical the first time I heard it 8 years ago? Perhaps it is why I play the songs in my darkest times to remind myself who I am? Perhaps many school mates thought high maintenance when my name was brought up? Truthfully, I am the green girl who does good deeds only to be accused of being the witch. No good deed...The only factor of high maintenance on me was the self inflicted time constraints of the illusion I created. While dusty memories were created by these illusions that won't be traded, I still wonder how many more could have been without it? Maybe it would have been worse? Illusion can also bring beauty. Beauty can hold inspiration. But not all the time. Sometimes a hazy sort of lovely bliss is also in the messy. The undone corners. My best galpal was like Glinda. She wasn't blond but she was everything else. She knew how to make people laugh, what to say, how to be sociable, how to move...everything I was not. I may as well have been painted green. I was awkward, had a lot of heart but did not always know how to communicate it. I was bookish like Elphie. I was interested in justice, and doing good despite what the current rules were. It was too serious for most adolescents. My husband came into the picture and finally I felt somewhat worthy. (?)  I felt like maybe, just maybe, people were seeing me for who I was. "As Long as Your mine" is my top passionate song. My husband gave me those feelings and it helped me grow into future choices. "I need help believing you are with me tonight...My wildest dreamings could not foresee, lying beside you with you wanting me."(As long as Your mine Lyrics) Even being passionately loved she doubts. My life's cross to bear. No matter how much I am loved, there will be a part of me that doubts. Her love interest sings back, "Maybe I'm brainless, maybe I'm wise, but you've got me seeing though different eyes. Somehow I've fallen under your spell and somehow I'm feeling it's up that I fell." WOW. Perhaps this is why I have always wanted to be a witch in any play. I want someone to fall under my spell...my husband says he has:) I always wanted to help someone see life through different eyes. My husband paid me the ultimate compliment by turning to me once when this song was playing (not knowing any of my hidden thoughts at the time.) He seriously spoke, "That is how I feel about you. That is what you did to me." My mouth dropped open and then I laughingly started to cry from pure bliss.

When Elphie and Glinda sing "What is this feeling" about how much they loathe each other when they first meet...I can relate. Most of my friendships started with mutual dislike in some form or another..and then we overcame it...which made our ties even more powerful. We came to understand and by understanding we found our preconceived notions powerfully fall away.

The ultimate song for me is still Defying Gravity, ""Something has changed within me. Something is not the same. I'm through with playing by the rules of someone else's game." I AM through...finally near age 30, I am done playing the games of the normal world. Religion, School, Rules, Social conduct, Should's, Grammar..."proper " ways to speak... "Too late for second guessing. Too late to go back to sleep. It's time to trust my instincts. Close my eyes and LEAP. It's time to try Defying Gravity and you can't pull me down." I just want to live my life, "I'm through accepting limits cuz someone says they're so! Some things I can not change but till I try I'll never know. Too long I've been afraid of loosing love I guess I've lost." There has been a lot of love lost...and this song made me realize that it is time to be done regretting it...or being afraid of loosing what I already have lost. "Well, if that's love it comes at much too high a cost. I sooner try Defying gravity. Kiss me goodbye I'm defying gravity...Everyone deserves a chance to fly...and if I'm flying solo AT LEAST I'M FLYING FREE. TO THOSE WHO GROUND ME TAKE A MESSAGE BACK FROM ME! TELL THEM HOW I'M DEFYING GRAVITY. I'm flying high. I'm defying gravity." -My favourite line. I think of so many moments since being married, so many moments of people telling me what I am, who I should be, how I am selfish when I was trying so hard to be the opposite, and all the confusion with relationships that were surface level (Friends of mine- do not count yourselves in this) and I would rather fly SOLO. Freedom is integral to my being. So is acceptance but I am learning that is a bit tougher for an Aspie longterm.

Elphaba is more than a character to me, the songs are more than melody, and Wicked is more than an obsession. As Jennifer Cooke. O. Toole writes, "I hoped if I could devour enough names, dates, and places, God would send me to a time and place far away where I truly belonged. Obviously, this wasn't it. And that is what a special interest is. To those outside the Aspie world, our perseveration of a topic is exhausting  ..To an Aspie, our special interest is the gateway to the world we construct out of facts, fantasy, and logic. As much as you hear, it is only the tip of the ice burg of the wealth of thought, the seduction of belonging, the sacred- YES SACRED-dimension where we cannot mess up or be excluded. Where no one will ever skip and sing in celebration that we are "dead."(Jennifer Cooke O Toole. pg41) My sacred heart calling is to be accepted, to change the world for good, to defy the stupid rules and make an impact.
Love
Kmarie

 

Getting to Know You- Enneagram Four Type / Forgiveness/ Beliefs/ Friendships/ Feelings and Richard Rohr's "The Enneagram; A Christian Perspective."

*Contextual Note: I believe personality attributes can be boxes to jump out of in growth and awareness. Like anything, they can be used as powerful tools or weapons. They can reach toward beauty or destruction. The danger I see especially in these models, is not being "put in a box", but being tested wrong, then taking 'truths' that do not resonate as TRUE or taking a sentence that may not be accurate (even if much of it is) and dissecting it or applying it when it actually is not relevant. That can be destructive. However, I have seen so much merit in people discovering themselves. 90 percent of the time, I have witnessed those who have engaged with their accurate personality (be it MBTI, the Big Five, Enneagram, Birth Charts etc) become much muchier, and be better counterparts to the natural world they engage in. I have watched marriages flourish when they engage with the material honestly and with a drive to BE. I have seen children feel understood. I have watched people who were living embittered overcome their personal obstacles slowly to live richer lives. So, as much as there are dangers or those who believe it is also pseudo science (if it enhances life- does that matter?), with a guide whom cares about inner wisdom and intuition, these modes of understanding are worth the risk.*

*I have written about Beatrice Chestnut's (LINK) and Christopher Huertz (LINK) take on Four Enneagrams HERE and HERE . This post is based on Richard Rohr and Andreas Ebert's book, "The Enneagram; A Christian Perspective " (LINK). I feel it's also important to point out that just because I talk about a book, or even agree with many aspects, does not mean I endorse all the content. There can be many points I gently set aside. This is a Christian book and there is especially one part describing Autism in the Type Five section that deeply misses the mark. (The character in 'Rainman' was a Savant and had traits of Neuroticism which can be co conditions but are not hallmarks of Autism within themselves.) That said, I still found large parts that applied to my Type FOUR which are worth digesting. I recommend the book, even though there are large parts on Saints or Biblical verses that may not be familiar to many people, because chapters that applied to my family were quite enlightening and mostly accurate. I feel this book can open doors for people of all religions and beliefs despite the believers content. Isn't that what we all should do for each other anyway? We can state our truths and enhance our friendships, with both challenge and freedom of choice, while still respecting the differences. I feel we can read books and recommend them without having to be 100 percent in agreement or even finding a lot to disagree with! In this post I am focusing on the few paragraphs (~) that especially resonated in my soul, but there is so much more in the FOUR chapter to read, and the book so I still recommend going to the source. * (Yes, I am leaning heavily into my FIVE wing for these two explanatory 'disclaimers':) 

When I read Beatrice Chestnut's lengthy chapter on Fours a couple years ago, I cried a lot due to many unflattering paragraphs and struggles that glared at me from the pages with their stark truths. I had to face myself. With Richard Rohr's book, I found more solace in the Four type. This could probably partially be explained by the fact that I did a lot of soul work after Chestnut's book to balance out my 5 and 3 wings and work on my struggle with FOUR envy.  Rohr's book is like the Moon's gentle glow on a concrete parking lot. Suddenly the concrete almost sparkles with the reflection of shared kindness.

~"Fours put their gifts to work to awaken a sense of beauty and harmony in their surroundings. They are highly sensitive and almost always artistically gifted; they can express their feelings in dance, music, painting, the theatre or literature. Everything with a vital energy attracts them and they grasp the moods and feelings of other people and the atmosphere of places and events with seismographic precision." (Pg. 98) ~

I feel lifted to euphoria when I am surrounded by the beauty in nature, my home or in a great song or book. I FEEL words as if they were chocolate melting on my tongue. I experience a gentle wind as whirls of invisible colours dancing inside my heart, ready to take flight. I catch a whiff of my beeswax candles as I walk by them in my house, and feel a jolt of joy and serenity. When I contemplate the art in my house, I can sense the energy of creativity from it's source uplift and renew me- to the point that I feel like my soul is floating outside of itself. I can feel the energy of another person and adjust mine accordingly to bring what is most often needed. I love vitality and the energy it induces because often I can also get lost in melancholy or lost in feeling that is undirected. I can also get lost in the glory of solitude or the onset of each season to the point that I forget I am human and am just part of it all. It's a feeling that can not be captured justifiably by the many descriptive words we have wonderfully created. 

~"The life of Fours is primarily shaped by longing; the longing for beauty and the wish that the world and life would fit together into a harmonic whole. Dostoyevsky once said, "The world will be saved by beauty." Fours believe in this principle." (Pg. 98) ~

Sometimes, Often, my longing for harmony and beauty is painful. I believe often in Dostoyevsky's words. How can we not heal from beauty? (When a FOUR says beauty- they mean the SOUL of everything including aesthetic beauty but not in the one size, perfect complexion of Hollywood. We mean nature, the essence of people, and the great works people create etc. )

~"Fours revere great authorities; important poets, musicians, gurus or counselors who have something "deep" about them or something "special." Only this sort of of "inner authority" counts. Formal authorities that aren't backed up by their personality make no impression on a FOUR...Their nose for the "authentic" is infallible." (Pg. 100) ~

For better or worse, this is my truth. I am not impressed by formal 'authority', institutions or inauthentic networking. I gravitate towards those who are authentic in their pursuits, their love and honour their inner depths.

~..."And they prefer to buy their clothes in a secondhand shop or a boutique.." (pg. 100) ~

I was surprised to find this statement, as I thought it was just because as an Autistic person, I prefer lived in, pre shrunk clothes. When I discovered Platos Closet, my budget and my happiness improved. I only buy clothes that are secondhand for the most part and find the originality and hunt for pieces, especially rewarding. I like clothes with a story I will never know.

~"Fours have a tendency to idealize the "unwashed masses" and can write great romantic novels about the 'noble poor' (Victor Hugo). But they do this form an ivory tower and in reality they can hardly endure living in real dirt and hardcore poverty." (Pg. 100) ~

My family laughed at the quote above and I cringed. I do deeply admire the "unwashed masses" so to speak and often write or do deeds for them. However, if I had to live in extreme poverty, I know I would probably be the first to give up or not withstand the hardships. While we are considered under the poverty line in Canada, we are still enriched beyond measure and I do admit that my home could be viewed by much of the world as an ivory tower. I can't do much about this fact in myself, except to know my limits and be aware that I have this tendency and to give when I can as much as I can, when appropriate. We need people who have more too because they can also give. I know many who have way more than I, whom I am so thankful for because they give to the world in a way I can not. I do not envy what they worked or made sacrifices for either, so at least there is that aspect I suppose.

~"Children, nature and everything that radiates originality awakens in them the longing for the simplicity and naturalness that they lost at some point." (Pg. 101) ~

You know those moments when a truth hits your soul so hard, you gasp with the realization that was only subconscious awareness moments before? The statement above felt like someone gently pushed me into a field of fragrant roses of knowing. That is why I love children and nature so much?!? YES! A resounding yes...how did I not know it was their originality that awakens my longing for simplicity?

~"Feelings are not expressed directly, but indirectly through symbols, rituals and dramatic styling. This is supposed to alleviate the pain of real grief and the fear of rejection." (Pg.102) ~

My home is a temple to this statement. I have symbols, rituals and dramatic styling squeezed into every open space. I need these to surround me to survive the grief and rejection that can often accompany me. Since I set up my hearth in this way, I am much more of a balanced person and can often be a strong comfort during grief and heal swifter from rejection I often feel. Before my house symbolized my inner soul, it was tougher for me, without the safe place and tangible reminders of my feelings outside of myself, to figure out a peace filled stance to meet the world with.

(Art by Lady Viktoria on Etsy) 

~"Fours sometimes live their lives like a Gesamtkunstwerk, a total work of art. Clothing, interior decoration, hobbies, circle of friends, and habits are adjusted to each other in a way that often seems accidental but in reality is carefully staged. Aesthetic points of view, which often can be appreciated only with difficulty, play the lead role here. One classic expression of the attitude is what is called 'Bohemia..." (Pg. 102) ~

Shhhhh...you learned my secret. In fact, I learned about it by reading this too, as this is mostly subconscious, but when I thought about it in depth, I realized, yea I carefully stage a lot in my home life etc. When watching 'Wanda Vision', when Wanda was controlling her world but not meaning to hurt anyone, my family would look at her gestures or the trauma covered by her bright smile and remark, "Scarlet Witch resembles you often." At first I was a little bothered but it was a fair statement. They went on to explain that it's actually quite flattering too, because of the amount of power she can use for good and influence, and the way she fiercely protects those she loves and some of her magical qualities. Then I was a bit more flattered. Funny enough, my former Bestie came over recently. We were chatting and she randomly said, "Ya know, our family is watching a show that often reminds me of you, mostly in a good way I think, but there was one part in the last episode that I had to sit back and whisper your name with a big wow. You may have heard of it? It's called Wanda Vision and the part I am talking about is when Agatha acknowledges Wanda's powers and calls her the 'Scarlet Witch.'" I laughed heartily, because my former bestie of 15 close years of friendship, despite two years apart, saw the same thing. ( SEE HERE for more on us.) So for her to see that too was obviously saying something....Also, yes I am quite Boho on occasion.

~ "The pitfall of FOURS is their melancholy, a 'sweet sadness' that lies over their whole lives like a fog. FOURS have to be depressed and suffer from time to time to be happy...the tragic romantics..." (Pg.103) ~

My eldest son laughed when I read that statement and said, "Woah mom, it's true, In order to feel happy you often need to first suffer or be depressed. You do remind me a lot of those Romantics we studied in history. I think you often put melancholy on a pedestal in comparison to happiness...like you almost think fluffy happiness without depth is shallow pursuit. I don't think you mean to be snobby about it but it can come off that way." Ha...and yikes...and true.

~"Since FOURS as a rule direct their aggressions against themselves , it often happens that they are disgusted by themselves and their bodies. Although, they are generally slender and attractive, they tend to find themselves too fat and too ugly. They keep trying new diet plans..." (Pg. 105) ~

That song 'Total Eclipse of the Heart' can aptly explain how the paragraph above hit me. I thought it was just me being me, but yes I have a huge disgust with myself on a daily basis. Please note that this does not apply to other people nor do I think that certain features or weights make OTHER people less or more attractive. I actually only have this attribute, as only a four can have, fully reserved FOR MYSELF. With that out of the way, I have gone on pretty much every diet plan that is out there at some point and I still struggle with my weight due to autoimmune conditions. I secretly believe I was given an aversion to medical practices and surgeries and throwing up for a reason. It is no secret that I loathe hospitals and have Emetophobia...but if I didn't- I know I would have been Bulimic, Anorexic and already had a few cosmetic procedures (which are sometimes necessary or done from a balanced place but mine would have been from broken ness and personal disgust with myself which is not a good place to begin.) I am often the most broken inside over this disgust that I regularly have to work on. My husband says I see myself from a warped perspective. 

I often take pictures of myself to try to see what others will see and celebrate the beauty that can be...but then I get upset that I can not live up to the pictures I like of myself (for instance I love the picture below but often I do not look like that! I like that it shows the many grays I constantly re dye - I actually love them but I crave playing with colour. ) But even living up to some of my past images, can plunge me into despair. I'm still learning to love my outside self. I can literally hide out in my room for days if I feel this loathing triggered by pants that are too tight or new frown lines. This is a deep wound I am constantly working on in my persona. I do it a little less than I used to with wisdom and maturity, but it still seems to be my personal thorn in my flesh. I mostly direct aggressions against myself. 

~ "Normal" quiet happiness, of the sort others- apparently- enjoy, seems to a FOUR at once attractive and repellent, for that could mean the end of the sweet wistfulness that FOURS need to feel 'themselves.' The inner richness of melancholy seems to be more attractive than what others carelessly call 'happiness." (Pg. 105) ~

Paradoxes. How can someone be both strongly attracted and strongly repelled by happiness? It's there, always pulling me two ways.

~ "Many FOURS vacillate between phases of exaggerated activity and others in which they are withdrawn and quasi paralyzed. This manic depressive structure can in some people who are highly introverted (stronger influence of the FIVE wing) turn into an altogether depressive structure. Fours whose more success- oriented, extroverted 3 wing is dominant are by contrast often hyperactive. These 2 subtypes of FOUR do not look very similar at first glance." (Pg 106) ~

I think this part is better explained by Beatrice Chestnut in her section on Enneagram wings. I think this happens because FOURS have the go getter THREE wing and the introspective, ever researching, FIVE wing. If one is tapped into more than the other, the statement above can be true. A couple years ago I was heavily into my FIVE wing, to the point I almost felt more of a FIVE. It was unhealthy for me and caused much stress and depression. When I recognized this in Chestnut's book I began to lean into mysticism as the tonic for my soul, and also to honour my THREE a bit more without swinging heavily into it. After much soul work, I re took the test two weeks ago, and my score said that my wings were perfectly balanced. I could feel that difference.

~"Many FOURS take their feelings very seriously and are deeply offended when they are hurt. Criticism of their artistic expressions can wound them in their innermost selves and drive them into retreat..." (Pg. 106) ~

Yes, my feelings are part of my intuitive BEING. Thus, if someone discounts them, I can be set off immediately. I do struggle, because of my self rejection, with additional criticism, especially in the area of my expression. Aspects of the later seasons of the show 'Glee' (certain songs or phrases from season 3 onward ) feel like an inner artistic expression of my soul, thus it is the one show I can not discuss reasonably with other people. I ask them not to tell me their assessment of it. Assess anything else, but don't tell me you hate it, especially if you never watched later seasons or know my personal context. Just let it be. 

I have retreated at times, from friends who refuse to ever read my blog or blatantly unsubscribe. (This is different if random people unsubscribe or those who are not really friend level...although I still have to go through my self rejection issues in those cases.) I don't mind if friends delete, ignore or do not check in much but if they are my friend, I DO care that they just accept the parts or expressions of me that ARE a part of me. They are allowed to disagree, discuss, challenge kindly or ignore, but to go out of their way to tell me they are not reading me? To me, that is cruelty in it's finest form, because it is an artistic expression of self. Yes, I work on this and try to answer back kindly and compassionately even if I feel anything but...yet, I will withdraw after...that is guaranteed.

~"The gift, or fruit of the spirit, of redeemed FOURS is balance. At twenty-five, FOURS have already lived through all emotional space and experiences from agony to ecstasy. They know all the nuances of feeling and understand the human soul better than anyone else. If they muster the discipline to bring their emotional life into balance, they can become impressive personalities." (Pg. 107) ~

My first blog was called Acquiring Balance. For some types, balance is a dirty word. In fact, for some people, striving for balance can make them unhealthy. But for a FOUR, it is redemption. It is true, that I knew I had experienced the full range of agony to ecstasy before I was 25 years old. I do believe I understand the human soul better than most. Yet, disciplining my emotions into balance, has been my main aspect of therapy for the last 16 years. My paternal Grandma recently remarked, "If you've been having therapy that many years maybe it's not working." I laughed and said, "Grandma, in some cases that is true, but in my case, being a paradox and Autistic person in a mostly non Autistic world, I need a listening ear for my sanity. I need to be able to speak conflicting truths in a safe place. I need to be able to work on myself with support."

~"Healthy FOURS are capable of a depth of feeling that most of us have no access to. If they can make this genuine emotionality fruitful, they can express in concentrated fashion their sense of the beautiful and the really painful, then the real works of art will be created." (Pg. 107) ~

Taylor Swift is a great example of a FOUR whom does this.

~ "Redeemed FOURS are better than most others at understanding the guiding people in psychic distress. They are not intimidated by the difficult, complicated, or dark feelings of others, since they themselves have lived through it all." (Pg. 108) ~

Recently, my nephew was watching Disney's Raya (spoiler ahead.) When the families were united at the end, a tear slipped down his face, and his five year old self asked sweetly, "Can we rewind the part when they see their families again?" When he re watched, he sighed and snuggled into his father's shoulder. 

I felt those moments at age five too. I still feel them. Most children would not ask to rewind that part. I also feel that this shows the consequences of some of our protocols in society right now (due to Covid) and how FOURS can show on the outside, what serious consequences can be happening, unnoticed, on the inside, to many people who are in forced or chosen isolation. 

FOURS are not scared of difficult, complicated or dark feelings in themselves or other people. We have lived most of it, in either imagination or deep feeling. We do not judge the feelings but we do assess them and try to heal the world through that awareness. 

~"The invitation to redemption issued to FOURS is the call to originality. Fours find their naturalness on the way to union with God. Their striving for authenticity, their love for children and nature are early hints of this goal in life. If they can admit that they live "in God" and God "in them", their soul will come to the rest and balance they have long yearned for." (Pg. 111) ~ 

Originality is quite important to me. So is the concept of Deity, even though my integration of that in my spiritual life looks like an eclectic mix to most people, it has both standard and mystical observations and is both based in facts and the ineffable. There were a couple years in our twenties when my husband was more of a proclaimed Atheist. I respected it, but the farthest I got was Agnostic. For my sanity, I could just not fully discourse with the mystical. Now, my beliefs have become more solid for myself, but I do not like to proclaim them or put them in a structured box. Yet, I do admit, that my type needs to dwell in possibility. I believe Deity IS possibility. When I say 'love' or 'beauty' in conversation, I am not defining it by the world's definitions. I am defining it by a FOUR which is a deep feeling of SOUL and balance of BEING. It's GOD in a way I can not explain. I do not know how to explain it beyond this in words...I can only FEEL it.

~"Fours must find their energy without constantly slipping from one extreme into the other, without being up one minute and down the next. It must not always be euphoria or depression. Their 'objective observer' has the job of asking: "Isn't a little joy and a little sadness enough- at least now and then?" ~

In my twenties I was either euphoric or depressed. Now that I tend to have more balance, sometimes I will admit to missing those extremes. Life feels a bit less muchier sometimes. On the flip side, people like me more, but do I like myself as much? Yes and no. I believe a little joy and sadness, every now and then IS enough...however, I also think FOURS need to take a lesson from someone who worked so hard on that aspect that a little became "regular" and "ordinary." I am now working on allowing myself the extreme moments of depression and euphoria once again too, because it IS a part of me. I squelched it completely on my road to balance, which was needed at the time, but notice how the statement above says, "At least now and then"? That is the key...NOW and THEN. It's also ok to have the innate in- born persona. 

~..."For this reason social commitment and working for peace and justice do FOURS good. In this they have to deal with the dirt of the world, which cannot be aesthetically transfigured....they have to admit the rage they feel against the person in question, and they have to stop adulating him or her in the wake of that loss." (pg.111) ~

I tend to praise my friends and husband in my rage as my first response. I give them the benefit of the doubt immediately. On the heals of my anger, a swift perspectives process takes place, that leaves me defending their side and contexts in my head. While this is lovely to create harmony and forgiveness in quick process, there is a darker side. I can re visit my rage again and again and distance myself because I do not want to feel the rage when I have already reasoned out their perfectly understood stances. But, my feelings matter too, even if I DO understand. I actually have to stop my tendency to put their feelings on a pedestal but contain my own. It is actually quite easy for me to move on, once I voice, in blog/ person/ writing my rage to a degree or tell the person, "Actually I am angry at you because of this ...but I also understand where you are coming from...however, I FEEL hurt and upset...." If I am not able to have a conversation with someone in this way, it is much harder for me to re figure the situation. I can eventually, but the re visits of rage turn into a sense of injustice of not being understood in turn. I need to work for justice and peace in myself first, before I can manifest out into the world. 

I have to admit that sometimes beauty can not fix all problems. Not all people FEEL harmony on levels that give them the ability to forgive swiftly, understand another's issues even if they do not share the same ideals, or validate all range of emotions. As a four, sometimes I assume that everyone works this way and wonder why can't they just tap into that feeling of intuition to find truth and justice? It's an awareness I am developing.

To my fellow Fours; It's ok to find your emotional voice. Try to also balance out being a caretaker in the world, within your voice. When we harness our inner Sun (by that I mean, our inner warmth centres of life giving freedom of choice and belonging and belief) we can bring meaning and substance, along with goodness to be a Divine catalyst for others. When we no longer give our power of choice away to institutions or governments, we find our warmth of hearth and healing while still striving to be the best citizens we can be. Forgiveness and letting go of heaviness and long standing hurts (or at least acknowledging rage that cycles back), brings feeling of lightness to the heart. This in turn creates empowered choice. Choice ultimately leads to peace. 

Ask yourself, "What makes you feel free TODAY?" Different days will have different freedom answers. Do you follow that feeling and build solid choices based on that feeling? Do you light pathways for others to contemplate and find their own freedom? FOURS get a lot of flack and misunderstanding in Enneagram circles. Know that if you are a FOUR, you have the potential to create. You are part of a group of inspirers, artists, and feelers who have the capability, when healthy, to lead, and change the parts of the world and communities that others are lucky enough to be in with you. There is a lot of soul work to be done of course, but as in any type, you have the capability within you to SEE yourself and activate upon awareness. You are as important as the other 8 types. You are part of a whole. Let the birds sing for you, let the sweetness of your feelings inspire, allow your rage to activate justice (even for yourself), dream under the stars without guilt, laugh with gusty abandon when you feel it despite others not "getting it", explore those 'sapphire skies' and do not discount the beautiful aspects of your own wonderlandy muchness. You are a person who can feel the adventures of feeling in melodies built into your own backyard...you encompass twilight and sunrise in feeling on subtle breezes. At times life can FEEL so stunning with the simplest aspects. You have the capability to make others FEEL. Isn't that an emerald gift of homecoming?

~"One of the most important lessons many of us need to learn in this lifetime is that we are none of us an island: we thrive on profound and heartfelt relationships with others. When we experience conflict with someone we love, working through the pain, discord, and heartaches to find an even deeper level of connection helps us evolve spiritually and brings comfort, strength and wisdom like nothing else can. Similarly, when we continually work through our own fears and block around relationships in order to open up to others with true authenticity and vulnerability, we experience ever increasing levels of joy and personal expansion."- Tess Whitehurst ~

Song Choice: There are SO MANY songs for a FOUR type. Can I claim them all? Seriously... Instead of the many, MANY songs I could add here on an Enneagram FOUR, I am going to put a song that has helped me tap into my Wonderlandy ways the last couple years. Welcome to Wonderland- Anson Seabra  I FEEL this song. I FEEL it is my home. From his lyrics, I feel he could be a FOUR. His song "Broken" is definitely when FOURS are in melancholy and the internal self loathing, feeling struggle. His whole album of songs he wrote in his room (FOUND HERE) encompass the FOUR in unbalance , in certain wings and sometimes in full health . A couple of the songs are rated explicit but some of them are clean versions...and many of them show the unbalanced four who wallows in melancholy but a few of his happier ones are more of a four in savouring nature (Dawning of Spring/ Emerald Eyes/ welcome to Wonderland/ Trying My Best/ Don’t forget to Breathe)

*For more, my husband and I do marital and single personality coaching. Please email worldwecreate@gmail.com for more. Thanks.*