The monologue whispered in starts and stops to my captive audience of one. I was mostly unaware that I was being witnessed because I had to stare at a metal dot above the presence hovering beneath. It was a new method called Spot Therapy I was encouraged to try. The audience was captive because I was paying him to be, yet he was also familiar. As a child he was a neighbour much younger then I, that I occasionally looked out for. Now in an odd twist of fate he was looking out for me.
My first thought was, “Life is strange and the moments of coinciding serendipity can be so odd.” It took a few minutes to get over the weirdness of it all, but I felt my other two therapists were right. Talk therapy for 19 years could only do so much. It was time to access the back part of the brain, backed up by the science and research on a MRI, to deal with subconscious triggered trauma that occurred mostly in my twenties but a few childhood experiences as well.
Oddly, this progressive scientific process was being done in a church. Yet, I was paying good money for it. When previously my other therapy was in a clinical setting for free. It all felt rather upside down. A wonderland induced to find my muchness. It suited my path.
For once, I didn’t have as many words at the ready, but the small bursts of soliloquy to myself were both perplexing and profound. I felt silly at first, but over the time spent almost alone, yet witnessed, I was shocked to find a few tears slipping down my face. I didn’t feel overall emotional, and I’m not prone to cry in front of others unless enraged or confused. My dramatic discourse no longer felt dramatic in the negative sense of the word. It felt real… yet strangely othered … like a bubble was wrapped around trying to puncture my subconscious. My brain almost felt tired and itchy. The tears were coming from a place in the back of my brain that I was not fully aware of.
The compassionate witness gently spoke, startling me from my reverie, “Tears are common. In fact it’s rare not to experience them when the process is working. They are almost a visceral response from the brain body connection. Can you tell me what you’re feeling in your body?”
I was used to telling everything I’m thinking or feeling. 19 years of regular therapy will do that to a person. But speaking accurately about what my body is doing at an exact moment? As an autistic person I am both insanely in tune with my body and completely out of touch with it. It’s a frustrating paradox. Panic attacks from smells seem ridiculous in hindsight. Under reacting to a broken foot is disjointed. I usually process AFTER the incidents happening to my body or I bury the memories and kill off any lingering feelings with determined diligence. To be asked what I was feeling in my body, in practical terms, felt like a complex math test. At times, during the process, I thought, “Great, something else I am incapable of doing. I can’t even engage in spot therapy properly because I’m thinking too much. This isn’t working.” Yet when I spoke those words out loud while staring at a metal dot, immediately a breakthrough happened. On the heels of doubt and honesty, a shift of consciousness happened. I couldn’t explain it… I still can’t. The process was not fully finished in one session but something both scientific and mysterious happened.
Faith feels like that. Mystical and practical. Mixed.
“We aren’t really taught to value little things in our world or to be faithful in them. From the close of our childhood, we are taught to reach for the stars, to trust and value those who accomplish big things. As if the bigness of an accomplishment, an audience, a sales figure, a degree, an idea proves their worth. Trust what is big, follow what is mighty and successful, give everything to become this too. I must confess I hesitated to open this chapter with the story about motherhood because so often the insight culled from the care of children is seen, even by those who think they value it, as too small for universal application or spiritual insight. But Jesus claimed, and lived, the opposite , I mean, obviously, he said the kingdom of heaven was made up of those who had hearts like children. But he also and almost continually refused the importance, the bigness and visibility, that we seem to think is so vital for influence or significance in the modern world .” (Pg. 134)
The above quote is by Sarah Clarkson from her new book “Reclaiming Quiet,” which I have happily devoured twice. This has often been my trajectory in life- a battle between being seen and then submitting to the small. Pursuing those like me, the misfits and misunderstood and often tough to love. The ones drawn into my story because they want a witness too, for a brief moment. The ones, the world, including the Christian world often, look at in a Nietzschean mindset. Purposefooled people. I don’t have any accolades nor can my story be shared in a way that shows any lasting impact. Yet, I can state, after years of wrestling and lasting moments of deep, fulfilling (sometimes lonely at first) quiet that I am immersed in the presence of that I AM. I’m in good company and perhaps it’s not meant to fit in or feel comfortable most days? Perhaps each encounter is a season? The hurt done is normal, yet dramatic each time. The glory given is a holy hush. It’s a Both/And situation. One does not negate the other.
“I’ve been reading the gospel of John each morning before sitting down to write this book, and I’ve been amused and a little disturbed in myself for how often Jesus confounded his disciples, and all the people who loved him by his refusal to walk the paths of influence or visibility that everyone thought he should. They kept on thinking he would in someway, storm the gates of power. They kept waiting for him to declare his authority and more in such a way that he could rally an army to his aid. And he… Healed grungy, desperate people, and told him to keep it a secret. He spoke in parables that children might love but the adults misunderstood, ducked out of sight, and went up on lonely mountains by himself. He cuddled children and went to houses of ill repute and pursued powerless people.” (Pg. 135 Reclaiming Quiet, Sarah Clarkson)
The author points out, that after the feeding of the five thousand, a power filled moment, when many probably thought it was regime changing stuff… Jesus basically hid. “And thus, they couldn’t king him or force him upon him a power he did not seek or approve. This follows a series of little dramas to leave those who follow Jesus confounded in their notions of influence and power and belief.” (Pg. 135 Reclaiming Quiet, Sarah Clarkson)
Often I’m immersed in a soft soliloquy, unaware of my audience. Yet, this audience is in me, around me, immersed and saturated in my Being- if I only choose to see this fact. The Spirit of Three, is still there, even if I don’t choose to see. My life is much muchier with sight. The wonderland suddenly feels "right" or at least righteous upside down. The sense that was nonsensical is now made noble, pure and true. “In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God.He was with God in the beginning.Through him all things were made; without him nothing was made that has been made.In him was life, and that life was the light of all mankind. The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcomeit.” John 1:1-5
Established in one sentence is an interconnected relationship. The life of ALL mankind. Are three in one in every single bit of ALL of creation? In all things Good? Surrounding us with no end and beginning? And if so, is this life coming gently through the whole universe? Even in unbelievably atrocious people is there a thread of potential light? (My answer would be a resounding YES!)
Is everything God? NO. But is there a consistent union yet…distinction? I believe so … and in the moments of solitude I can taste and see…
The other side to this freedom, also means that I, as a unique person, can choose to turn the flow of God and all that is Good … to evil. The love of a Triune God brought life, each one of us encompassed within, but with a choice. Life without love, can choose to dwell in a moment of dark. Yet, due to being loved so much, I am encompassed by this Light Force that is willing to endure all things, For and WITH me, so I can become more of a fully fledged person- dwelling in light even while suffering… This applies to the Christmas seasons that are pictures from Courier and Ives or chapters of Faust. Obviously, my wish would be for each reader, that the Courier and Ives picture print is more of an accurate depiction.
The goodness I choose to see, is often shaped by small moments of solitude interconnected with intentional community. My Beauty is made GOOD by a Refiner’s fire of quiet and relationship. A Peace that transcends all understanding where the North Star beckons. I often get chills on my arms picturing the angels in the field by night beckoning a messy birth.* The supernatural mixing with shepherds covered in the smell of earth and sheep dung. Sanctified. A vulnerable baby celebrated while also being hunted. Tender mixed with the tough. The mess does not negate the beauty.
"For unto us a child is born." May you feel that blessed encompassing good this Christmas and know you are not alone, even if it feels like the end of all things.
* Some Religious peoples or Christian’s may not like the above clip or movie, due to some inaccuracy and cute cheesy moments, but I feel the heart of it is accurate- I love the musical “ Journey to Bethlehem.” Not only is there a gorgeous song of Mary singing “Mother to A Saviour and King,” but there is a moment where Lecrae appears with the angels in the field and sings “ Fall on your knees, oh hear the angels voices.” And every single time I get teary and goosebumps. Because that moment would have been even more miraculous in real life! How amazing!!! In a sense, that moment is even sometimes offered to me in the ordinary. How astounding and humbling is that?!?!?!
The pattern of fringes hanging off the table linen caught my eye. The diamond shapes were in close symmetry despite the cloth being washed numerous times already. Rainbow reflections from the sunlit crystals hanging from my windows danced over the patterns. My eyes traced the swirls imprinted above the fringe. It was not until much later that I realized I was simply absorbed in the moment. I wasn't thinking of what I needed to do, who needed my attention, or who I felt I should be. I just WAS. My heart was encompassed in stillness. I felt this unexplainable peace (that surpasses all understanding) and an indwelling of gratitude. I was immersed in a simple Holy Hallelujah. I KNEW deep down that I was more than I seemed to be. I was in Imago Dei - BEING God's Image.
Each one of us is made in the Image of God, but it's easy to forget to REST into this fact. It feels more like a validation of our own being when we are "doing." Not to say that doing is wrong. Doing is beautiful to activate in our human form. But doing is secondary to being KNOWN and KNOWING. Ask anyone in love (not just lust) if this is true.
Taste and see...
It used to be odd to me that the descriptor of taste is used to see that the Lord is good. Taste? Really? Taste invites most of our senses to be present. Taste is a physical knowing and a beautiful contemplative moment (if it is Go(o)d.)
An interesting product of secret prayer (not shared) is that there is no one to witness the goodness of God. This communion instead becomes a private, sacred dance. It's a giving and receiving in a profoundly personal way that can not be fully explained outside of the moment. Much akin to the purely erotic (and not the profaned Porneia that Eros is often mistaken for) that symbolizes the joyful union of creation. Private prayer cannot be bragged upon, inflated with ego, disguised as gossip, or made to get a point across. I often wondered why Jesus was often described as "going into a quiet place" just as much as he was described as helping others. I sit in this similar contemplation and the mystical understanding underpins my confusion.
Private prayer is the being still to KNOW. It is edifying, gratitude filling, and often is both comforting and can lead to suffering. Yet, this is the kind of suffering that involves the growth of self. The falling off of old ways of ego that are not good for the self but are strangely addicting. It's the refinement of burning ashes before the Phoenix rising. This beloved mirror shows more of what we ARE instead of simple personhood. This mirror is Divine. This mirror is Imago Dei.
Synchronicity is no longer coincidence. The fabric of existence begins to be seen on a micro level of divine threads of colours too numerous to mention. Each tiny thread has the choice and potential to walk closer to the larger Divine cohesion in a solid piece of more... or to a frayed, tattered version smaller, less muchier inclusion of that Divine. Deep down most of us want to be the whole vibrant thread but often instead, we choose to be frayed by our own doing.
Is it good? Is it noble? Is it right? Is it pure? Is it lovely? Is it admirable? Is it excellent and praiseworthy?
When the thoughts and actions we have are most of the above descriptors, an odd Presence of peace is within. That Presence is always accessible yet not often accessed. It is a JUST MERCY. A Grace freely given but often not taken.
It seems that the path of least resistance is to focus on the bad, the ugly, the injustice, the profane, the wrong, the disgusting...or if not blatantly focusing on these things, to instead bury ourselves in busyness to avoid. Instead of RUNNING to ALL THAT IS GOOD.
Advocacy is good but not if it is done while also trying to rip other threads in the tapestry. Action is good but not if we are not recognizing the true mirror of Being first. Being informed can be a part of growing intellect but without Love, without compassion, it's just another empty state of mind. Beauty can be corrupted but why do we run from true Beauty? Why are we not eating the sunrise with our eyes or soaking up the sunset into our souls? Each day we are given little mercies in the guise of Beauty. There is no economic status, personality type, religion, family of origin, sexuality or any other set aside descriptor required to look at a blade of grass or a flake of snow and SEE a moment of intricacy...a gift shared for everyone. ( For those who can’t see there is a gift to feel - or another type of Knowing given.)
A relationship is with a noun, a personhood, not a verb. Relationships must be put before issues. Whatever is good...think on these things. But seeing Good is almost an exercise in the paradox. It's a trained existence (ironic.) Mystical and practical blend. Becoming is a dance of the BOTH/ AND of life.
Our senses must become attuned. Often, when I think I am misunderstood, an outlier, seen as not welcome to most in my home town, or frustrated at my own daily incapability, I am in an adventure of missing the mark. Even if each of these statements own some truth at times, they are not THE Truth. I am missing the mark of Beauty. I am missing the true mirror. I am forgetting to LISTEN. When I retreat to contemplation an interesting path opens up. That path can wind through months of both agony of refinement and the joy of becoming. Books I never knew I needed show up with truths that soul sear. Seers of music, people and experience join the journey and point upwards. If I listen, I suddenly am a person who is BEING THROUGH the OTHER. Imago Dei. God THROUGH the tapestry of BEING. God encompassed in the threads woven into existence.
(Verses loosely quoted in this post come from: Psalms 46:10, Genesis 1:27, Genesis 1:31, Romans 1:25-28, Psalm 34:8, Phillipians 4:8-10, Mark 6:31, Luke 5:16, Matthew 1:35-39, Malachi 3:2-3, 1 Corinthians 13:1, Job 29:18, Matthew 11:28, John 20: 21- 22. Romans 15:13)
Post Note: This post is NOT about TRAUMA of any sort. Nor is it inherently about grief, mental illness, depression or anxiety. While this could apply in certain ways, because just like an arm pain can indicate heart or gut issues, a singular suffering should not be boxed up into one category, I want to be clear that, for myself, this post is about the pain of facing oneself when parts of self need to grow. This IS about self reflection, self growth and a requirement of honest mirrors. This post is more focused on issues that are self growth related, and should not be mixed up with any diagnosis or need that may require legitimate pills, therapy, or clinical diagnosis. I am not a doctor. This is most assuredly a post on reckoning, redemption, ruthless mirrors, repentance and reconciliation....handily all the "R's" *
I stood in front of a nine foot mirror in a home of 12 foot ceilings. Even though my home is notorious for hosting at least 68 mirrors, most of them are placed to reflect light and not the full reflection of a person. So this was the first time I had to seriously face my physical self. I had been battling self esteem issues since January, most of which stemmed from extremely low iron and medical issues (which do set some of the foundation for this post and are worth mentioning but are NOT what this post is about.) When health is sputtering along, it is hard for the rest of a BEING to fully flourish, but I try to give it my best. However, I knew something wasn't right, but the revelations seemed to be slowly spitting out truths instead of revealing the whole. Until I stood in front of that mirror.
The mirror was only part of the revelation. I looked upon my full self and realized I didn't like what I saw. It wasn't just the chronic illness weight and inflammation or the ridiculous notion that I was completely hideous ( I know when I am being dramatic)...It was the fact that the girl looking back was almost unrecognizable and she was ME. In that moment I knew there would be a reckoning.
It was an overnight holiday that was perfect in every way. I had nothing to blame but myself, I was up until 5 am and woke to a leg cramp at 7. The night was beautifully full of stars overlooking a mountain view outside my 9 foot glassed door. A trusted friend was sleeping in the home a few doors down. My belly was full of good food. The king size bed was even more comfortable than my beloved bed...and yet I was tortured. Insomnia can be familiar to me, but this was profound reckoning. All the revelations hit me. Concealed was revealed. I saw my vices, my created pain ( not legitimate pain that needs support but pain I had created by sitting in habits I could change), and my cruelty towards self and others. I faced the mirror of self...
"I know this hurts real bad right now. I know you feel mad and sad right now. But the sky isn't falling- that's just the rain. It's safe to just call this...pain. Girl I've been there, Yea life isn't fair It's okay to not be all right, just go ahead and cry... It might sound insane but I promise one day you're gonna be thanking you're lucky stars for all this pain."- Ingrid Andreas lyrics - Pain.
I got through the rest of my holiday by sheer grit. My perfect holiday ruined only by my own BEING. I saw my incapabilities clearly, my selfishness, my inability to adjust the way I would like, and my self loathing foamed. I saw the issues I was looking for in my marriage, parenting, and self...the accounts I had been trying to settle since January were ending. The five hour trip home consisted of me bawling my eyes out through sniffled repentance. Specifically with my husband because he was my travelling partner, not only through the holiday and life, but literally. I saw my part in the equation I could not figure out. While he also took ownership, the important parts I had missed before, came to the surface with ruthless intensity. I had a lot to reconcile.
I've often shied away from the word repentance due to my upbringing. It was misused for varied agendas. But sometimes it is the only word that can state the absolute sorrow at actions that have been done or love that has been missed. Being penitent, or showing remorse, for one's misdeeds, and confessing such to all that IS, oneself and those loved, brings about a different mirror. At first it's a ruthless light that shows all the cracks, crinkles, and bruises. Yet, interestingly enough, after the refining burning of light, there is astounding peace and grace. Repentance suddenly feels like a gift that opens up to true reconciliation. A healing.
"Without the pain, how would you know? What things to change and what stays the same? And which parts of you still have to grow? It can be ruthless, yeah, I've been there too. But you're gonna get through this pain." - Ingrid Andreas lyrics - Pain.
I'm not where I want to be, yet in those moments of pain, and the days following, I saw not only whom I COULD be, but also bits of light inside that I did not know I had. It is going to take courage to grow. Growth is painful. It's humbling. And there are honestly parts of me that will not, in this lifetime, be mine to fully grasp. Because self improvement is limiting too. There is a point where Grace enters in. The broken tea cup mended with gold still required someone else to make it beautiful. Sometimes, it is the cracks that show us where we need the most Light.
There is a different sort of pain in facing oneself. It's different from trauma done upon you. It is different than mental illness needing support. It is different from being a victim or wallowing in self pity. It's the type of pain that comes in childbirth. It is for a purpose. It changes the inside and outside in a short span of time. It is ruthless yet can harness aspects of joy that will eventually grow into peace. What have I lost by wallowing? What have I lost by not facing the mirror sooner? What I have lost in the reckoning? Perhaps all the good lost is redeemed, but I will not fully see it with my mortal eyes? Perhaps I gained more than I lost in the end? Maybe I needed the time to fully face the mirror?
I only know that ruthless redemption became a balm. For instance, when I reconciled the issues I clearly saw and owned my part in my marriage story (which is fairly a healthy marriage, but I still had to face criticism and derisions I had regularly foisted upon my husband), and when I genuinely cried true apologies with repentance and noted plans for behavioural change...my husband looked at me...and I saw a glimpse of that ruthless redemption. I saw the pain I caused clearly, which hurt even more, but mixed in that was a love that encompassed it all. Mirrored back through his eyes was grace. Reconciliation on the heels of pain. How much more could a Divine presence give?
I've always had a strong faith in all that IS. While I have not adhered, at points, to certain religious standards (and probably never fully will) or institutions...I believe in wrestling with God, instead of the man made ideas or institutions about ALL THAT IS. So of course, this stance encompasses all that I am. I am not a true evangelical (my roots) in that, I don't like to outright state things fully. I prefer to LIVE and let GOD. I believe God is so much more than my ideas and that powerful presence does not really need me to fight Divine battles. I also believe those that are different from me, or who do not believe in a Presence, have just as much to give and receive on this plain. I have many Atheist friends whom have turned me, for the better, into a person with more questions than answers. I believe ALL THAT IS GOOD comes from God. Which means, that a lot in life is BREATHED. I'm not one for major sin dialogues. However, there is legitimacy in redemption, repentance and reconciliation. A person can feel the difference when it happens on any level.
With my children, I saw the need for the same process of asking for forgiveness for my harsh approach this year. When did I become hard? I saw the root, and while some of it CAN be explained or understood, there is another part of it that not only has to be owned, but given up, to become more than I am. I also need to ask for forgiveness because I DID harm them in my tones and eye rolls. A parent is supposed to be a well of guidance, giving, grace and loving support. While I will not be perfect, nor should they expect perfection, they should expect me to reconcile when I have wronged. As I expect the same from them. Without this dialogue I feel we are missing so much Light in the end.
It's true that when one walks through a refining process, there is more necessary pain, than joy. I have cried more in this week than I usually do in a year. And the hits keep coming. Unexpected shadows have creeped up to deal with. I've shattered some hearts including my own. My thoughts can get dark. Yet, acknowledging this is necessary for the Light to seep in. Changes are also becoming part of the process. Slowly behaviour is being refined. Grace covers the rest. "Good person, how do you do it? Do you just wake up with a smile on your face? Good person, what does it look like seeing the world as a happy place? I'm trying to turn the page, do you think I have what it takes? Cause I have cheated and lied, and made people cry, but I pray for the ones that I love every night. And I've shattered some hearts and my thoughts get dark, but I'd stop for a stranger who is falling apart. I'm still learning. Good, good person. Do you ever lose it when somebody steals that one last parking spot? Good person, Do you ever say no? Does the high road get lonely? Do you ever pull off?...Have you cheated and lied or made people cry? The right hand of God, tell me what is it like to throw all the stones? But all mirrors and smoke, they come to my show, but you won't let me go behind the curtain. Good, Good person... Tell me how, tell me how to be a good, good person...I'm trying to turn the page..." - Ingrid Andress - Good Person lyrics.
Is compassion only for like minded people? Are the minorities in society worth consideration? Are the very people that typically fight politically and spiritually for diversity, forgetting the minorities and diversity of others in their current positions in society? When we regard those as different from us, as the "bad," the "wrong," the "ones who deserve to die," or with statements like; "They should not be given healthcare" or "They should be left behind- they are taking up our hospital beds"... Are we considering context? Are we actually considering the vulnerable? Could the vulnerable also be included in some of the people who can not or will not take the vaccines?
Apparently our global population is 7,929, 833, 700 as of my writing. It has been said by health organizations that only 3 percent of people have adverse reactions or die from the shot. According to my calculator that is 237,895,011 people of the world. Do those millions not get a voice? Is it not reasonable to consider that their 3 percent chance of adverse affects (or even death) is higher than the one percent possibility of them dying from Covid 19 Virus? Is it a completely cut and dry issue? Is blame and shame loving your neighbour or even your enemy? I understand that it is certainly easier to love those on the same page as us. It's easier to love those like us right? Because we are in the right obviously. Right?? Love is mercy, it does not judge, it does not boast and it submits in service to other people's choice. No one said it would be easy.
In the case of vaccines and each person’s personal choice- I am truly Switzerland. People dislike that. I have been accused of being Anti- Vaccination. I have also been accused of being Pro Vaccine. Both have been said in testy tones of judgement. Let me be clear- I am FOR individual choice and context. I believe in CHOICE. Bodily autonomy matters. We have choices when it comes to having children or not, life changing surgeries, and any other important decision- so why is the exception being made in the one case of vaccinations? Why is diversity suddenly a non issue? Did it disappear? Are we suddenly all the same in reactions, genetics (check into the MTHFR gene for example), socio economic status and vulnerabilities? So the previous conversations of "privilege" in our society no longer apply to vaccinations? Are there people who are more able to take time off of work for any perceived side effects, or stay at home when needed, or can find other jobs if they can not take the vaccine, in perhaps a place of "privilege"? There is so much more to this picture than "conspiracy."
I believe my vaccine status is private. I feel that vaccines can be an incredible gift. I believe that there are different populations whom are affected by this choice more than others. For instance, Aboriginal people are more likely to experience adverse side effects. My uncle, whom is Aboriginal, died from the vaccine but it went un reported. Another family member had to be rushed to the hospital and it again, went unreported. I don't know why this is, but I do know that in emergency situations, reporting may not always be accurate. We need to assume that if a certain population is experiencing more side effects or death (like the Aboriginal leader on La Crete reserve) that they have a right to be wary. There are those who suffer auto immune conditions that the vaccine can protect but then there are those that are higher risk with the vaccine BECAUSE of their conditions.I celebrate that many people can take the vaccine with no ill effects! Including, also, many other Aboriginal people. That is fabulous. With the over 71% vaccination rate in Canada, my country, people should be confident in the decision they have made and that it is working. Living in fear or blaming the unvaccinated for the current medical crisis is a gross negligence of the greater, complex picture. I have a friend whom has heart issues who feels like the vaccine could kill her and I have another friend with different heart issues who felt like the vaccine saved her life. Is one wrong and the other right? Can they both be RIGHT in their own contexts, listening to their own intuition and bodily needs and gut reactions?
I can state what I do not believe in, nor ever have. I do not believe in force. Forcing someone to do something by mandate or by making their life increasingly difficult, so that a choice is no longer a choice is not ethical, to me personally. Throwing ethics around on each side and giving blanket statements is not my favourite approach either. I have had many conversations since the vaccine came into mainstream health over the last few months. Many of my friends have Christian backgrounds, and many have stated to me what Jesus or God would do. I have been told he would NEVER take the vaccine and I have also been told he absolutely would. Both sides were strong in that conviction and had arguments to back themselves up. Could I offer a third option? Jesus was above the law in many regards while also respecting aspects of it. Often Jesus spoke about root issues instead of what people wanted him to speak on. He was controversial and threw over temple tables. He could be harsh and he was compassionate but it was always based on context. He looked at the individual. He held lepers. He reamed out hypocrites. I don't think we can say what he would do, in regards to taking the vaccine, because it was always the unexpected. But could it be possible that for different people, he would lay down his life and his choices for them differently depending on context? Could that be possible?
I also believe in self regulation and stepping back from hate to see context. Did you know that most of the people that are not taking vaccines are people of colour? Hispanics, Aboriginals, and Black people make up one of two groups. The other is Christians. Let's look at why that is below.
Recently, I had a vivid dream of Russell Brand. Which was weird, because I have only seen him in one movie and knew of him vaguely from the Katy Perry Documentary years ago. His accent and looks were accurate in my dream, despite not knowing these things about him before I looked him up, which was a large sign to me that I should pay attention to what my subconscious was trying to tell me. In my dream, we talked about vaccine mandates, he was clever and witty but seemed to be on the same page as me..which again felt really odd upon waking... Thus I googled him with that in mind and found this video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YfxnKgCN3OY
32- 2:20 : "Shaming is always a good technique to get people to do things. If we have learned one thing from protests and demonstrations from the last few years- it's the power of shame to get people to do what you want." (Yahoo news- Earlier this month, Lemon called out unvaccinated people for "taking up the space" in the hospitals from vaccinated people who are "playing by the rules." -End of Yahoo news bit) "That's an interesting bit of authoritarianism if you ask me. It is kind of devoid of compassion and is a very reductive type of argument, because we have not yet looked at what kind of people are not vaccinated and what their reasons might be for not being vaccinated. It doesn't seem to me that it should be simplistically assessed in that manner. That's why when I am always talking about it, I am keen to point out that I myself don't have a strong opinion on what your personal, private medical procedures might be. I am interested in a global perspective of a significant issue and how government, big pharma, and media all interact to create stories that then become truths, that lead to edicts such as this with public figures such as Don Lemon, fist on table, 'leave them behind, shun em, vaccine apartheid.' That kind of language has it's own kind of quality and it should never be applied saying 'this group of people' or 'It's a choice. It's a choice' but let me tell you there are other issues around choice, that people used to play out in different spheres of the political space. In bodily autonomy and choice. Segregation and inequality. It is very peculiar the way those rules are being discarded in order to facilitate the advantage of this narrative."
The video goes on to to discuss a New York Times article that speaks upon two types of Americans whom are not getting the vaccine. The first: A mix of people but many are "white, rural, evangelical Christian and politically conservative." Russell Brand remarks at 2:40; "I suppose that comes from the perspective of liberty and libertarianism and if you are saying Christian and rural...they are defining themselves as Christian and their primary authority is a religious rather than government authority that they take their moral and ethical guidance from a spiritual or at least dogmatic (depending on your view of Christianity) rather than what the government wants."
The New York times goes on to discuss the other group are open to the vaccine, but waiting to make their decisions. It states "They are a broad range of people, but tend to be a more diverse and urban group, including many younger people, Black and Latino Americans and Democrats." I personally would like to add, being from Canada and having Aboriginals in my ancestry (as well as Hispanic) that Aboriginals should also be included in this. I know many who have taken the vaccine and have been fine, but many whom are hesitant or whom have greatly suffered. I would also like to include the Autism community, of which I am a part of. Many who have the MTHFR gene. Since this vaccine has a genetic component, would it not be safe to assume that some genetics may not react or have body immersion the same as other genetic environments? Two years is not enough time to study that. Yes, many Autistic people I know believe in the vaccine. Some have been able to get it and others have not. Some have suffered or even died, while others have been perfectly fine...but is it ok for us to take that choice, with such diversity, and enforce it? Or to call these vulnerable people in society "uneducated" or lump them in with "murderers" or "those who cause chaos/death"? Are these statements compassion if we believe compassion is a virtue that has to extend to all, even those whom we disagree with or take different life paths? Are we actually seeing the individuals themselves? Are we even giving people the benefit of the doubt? Or are we assuming context?
3:59 (Stats from the New York Times were screened before); "That in a sense, presents a broad range of views and I would say they are not ridiculous reasons. There is not a percentage of people that are like 'they are going to put a robot in your blood.' It is not like that is it? These are reasonable questions and inquiries, particularly in the climate and context that we are currently in. Most people are feeling a level of distrust...whether or not you believe they are safe, or whether or not they are safe."
An article is shown onscreen from the Kaiser Family Foundation that states; "Many concerns about Covid-19 vaccinations are expressed at higher rates by people of colour compared to White adults." If we are anti racist- which I hope all whom are reading this ARE, than is this not an important fact to consider? If we are for diversity, are we considering the diverse issues surrounding this? The article goes on to talk about missing work from adverse affects (which many diverse economic groups can not afford) or getting to vaccine sites or payments (which does not apply to Canada), or needing types of documentation or providing social security numbers, wait and see groups, or free childcare for being vaccinated or recovering from it...it's layered and complex.
5:34: "If your life is about survival...coping with the challenges of every day life, a situation I lived in for awhile and it seems like a long while ago now, but you are not thinking so much about like 'oh no...climate change...I'm ... starving...it doesn't seem so relevant."
6:33: "So when you are talking about Don Lemon who says 'Ban em from beds!" You are talking about poor people, you are talking about people who are dealing with economic realities that someone in my position or Don Lemon's position do not have to concern themselves with...and if you are on the center of left you would not be dismissive about that category of people but in this context suddenly it becomes permissible?...It makes me question the true values of people in that political class. If they can be dismissive of people and groups that they elsewhere claim to be supportive of. Cuz when you put it in those terms you could say that Don Lemon is saying ' It's time to shun Black, Hispanic, Poor, Young people' Now he would never say that but you are saying that! That is what is being said. That is the danger of reductive, simplistic, propaganda driven news reporting."
8:05 - 10:08: Russel Brand: "The reductiveness of Don Lemon's argument and other people advancing a sort of apartheid type rhetoric around the vaccine is not including the complexity of the issue. This shows you that there is no room for bombast in this argument, no room for hyperbole, condemnation "no we should leave them behind!" or "I'm not doing this!" Wherever you stand on the vaccine issue, you are a human being like me, one day you are going to die, and I'm gonna die. Let's be kind to one another, and rational, and understanding, because otherwise what you are doing is venting anger from elsewhere in your character. It's like 'I don't like life, I don't like people to do that. Grrr.' Become aware of that. Otherwise the vaccine issue will be resolved by either a vaccine will come around that people feel really confident in, or a government might come around that people really really trust...and that other stuff won't go away, because its unresolved. It's unresolved anger. Unresolved hysteria. For me, these statistics make plain that it is impossible to make Don Lemon style condemnations of people. Because imagine if you had childcare considerations, health concerns, were worried about the impact of the vaccine and your inability to deal with the side effects and cope with children...How can you be dismissive and so lacking in compassion when there is evident complexity around many people's lives when it comes to an issue as significant as this one. You can't afford to just wipe people away and shun people when you don't understand the circumstances in their lives. This shaming, the futility of bipolar, combative social discourse...Instead we should be compassionate, inclusive, considerate. "
A clip is shown of Don Lemon saying we should shame and leave behind those whom are not listening to the science etc. I find that Russell's response is exactly what I would say at 10:25- 11:15; "I would say there is a certain line that you can not cross. Particularly if your whole political party is about inclusivity, diversity, compassion..you can not say with this issue- this is the one issue. May I say that if you look at the science it seems that there is room for conversation in many of the areas that these statistics suggest are cause for concern....These are not things that you can just go "NO!" and swipe with a broad sword across a population of people...it seems that people who have been disadvantaged elsewhere that are worthy of compassion and certainly worthy of being heard." You, regardless of which side you are on, are worthy of being HEARD. You are worthy because you exist. Plain and simple.
Recently I had a response to an email I sent out about unity and vitamin regimes which the respondent stated; “I strongly believe that people who aren't vaccinated are causing significant damage to our health system and are affecting other people's lives by their decision so I really don't want to hear about people who have made that kind of decision." My response back was, "Vaccines ARE a GIFT for those who can take them and I’m thankful for that ability. But for the minorities in genetics and reactions - it’s important to consider them :) We all affect the healthcare system in our choices for sure, but blaming each other probably doesn’t help our stress levels ♥️That said - I do agree that we all have responsibilities in our approach to life and health. I know many on both sides whom have chosen rightfully for themselves and respect that. I’m glad you found the choice that works for you and respect that you strongly believe in it." Then there was no response. Nothing. It was the end of the conversation. If this happens in that case, I can't even imagine how isolated and unvoiced many of the minorities, who have good reasons for doing what they do, are feeling right now. So we are writing off entire people groups, not listening to them, and not allowing their stories because we believe that we are the only ones who could be in the right? The definition of self righteousness is this; "Exhibiting smug or unwarranted confidence in one's own righteousness." Have we all been guilty of this, during this time? I know I have certainly had to combat it in myself. I have really had to ask myself, "Where am I not listening? Am I being cruel or condemning? Did I make an all or nothing statement? Am I letting anxiety and fear rule me? Am I wrong?" And yes, there is a possibility that I may be wrong in whatever choice I choose. Sometimes I sit in silence and wrestle with all the factors, which tends to bring me into existential crisis and depression, until I voice what I am struggling with, write a blog post (lucky you!) and move onward. I keep Gandalf's words constantly in my mind, "Many that live deserve death. And some that die deserve life. Can you give it to them? Then do not be too eager to deal out death in judgement...“So do all who live to see such times. But that is not for them to decide. All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given us.”
Don Lemon clip and then Russell Brands response...then... 11:38; "If I am appealing to anything in you, if there is an area where I am happy to express directly what I mean, is do not be so quick to condemn other people when you do not understand what their perspective is. That is a basic spiritual and Christian value. Be open to other peoples' perspective. Do not assume you know exactly what it is like to be them and approach people with an open heart and recognize with a value such as compassion and kindness you can not pick and choose where it is applied. You have to apply it everywhere. All the good books suggest that that is the approach. And the more something irks, angers, and irritates you, the more you have to look inside yourself. I believe our values should be about how we conduct ourselves, NOT what we tell others to do."
YES! Resounding YES! I have been baffled that because I speak on unity, people have assumed I am pro or anti vax. No. I am simply considering context. Let me tell you, it's not easy when I am shunned, given no responses to correspondence when I have taken a step back, been kind and loving in tone, even when at first I feel attacked, or include social niceties...and my elders, people whom I look up to, people in my extended family, decide to shun me because I am asking to consider with compassion. That is hard for me, but you know what?I know these are trying times and it is tough to deal with so much right now. And it IS sad and heartbreaking and that can induce anger at all sort of things. Anger is ok to feel sometimes. Directing it or dealing out death and judgement, or who should live and who should die or be blamed - is not for us to do. All we can do is decide what to do with the time WE have…and we are all usually surrounded with only like minded people which makes it more divisive. There is so much more to the picture.I have to remind myself that all I can do is love them, challenge if it is in a context of love, and lead my life by living it. Just like in faith, we can not force those opposing us into it. Choice was given in the proverbial garden/ ancient origin story, for better or worse, and I think it is an important story. I do not think that means giving permission to do horrid things, but unfortunately sometimes people will choose that…but my hope is that MOST people ARE choosing what is best for them, and being careful in the meantime…and some of the greater picture involves other factors.
I support both the vaccinated and unvaccinated because I believe we all have individual context and MUST do what is in our spirits. I believe I protect the vulnerable and children by staying home when sick, trying to keep up my immunity and washing etc. I do not think it is so cut and dry. If we applied that mentality to everything then the minorities of this world would still be having to live in secret…and we are pushing them to live in secret in vaccination status, at a time when we generally know there is diversity? We know bodies and spirits are different, yet not in this one case of the vaccine? Blaming the unvaccinated for all of this, is not looking at the minute details that make up the whole.
12:00: "They! They! They! The more you have 'they' on your lips the more you are on your way to creating serious problems."
I have had conversations with both people who believe in the vaccines and people whom do not...and if the conversation starts dissolving into "us" and "them" which it tends to do on either side...I say, "Wait a minute...we are all in this together. As soon as we talk about people like that, we start dividing, and making perceived enemies." My friends get some of these blog posts and they know this is true. It is quite hard to see ourselves with those we think are against us. But if we can not do that, then where is the hope for respect, unity and compassion? I am not saying it is easy or that we do not need a moment to gather self control...but I am saying, if we concentrate on the ROOT issues, and only take responsibility for ourselves, there will be less hate in the world.
The rest of the video goes on to talk about hypocrisy, and the madness and division of the media, the red lies from CNN and yet we are listening to them? I highly recommend listening to the video above. 14:33 Russell Brand: "Don Lemon has a pretty nice face, he could be a good guy, maybe, I don't know, but I don't agree pretty strongly with what he is saying when it comes to shaming, leaving behind, and not considering complex arguments, being dismissive, not acknowledging the roll of media and creating current suspicion and heightened awareness and all that exists around these issues. And I don't mean right wing or left wing media. I mean the entire integration of government, big business and big pharma. How can that not generate mistrust when you see people revolving doors...(Video goes back to Don Lemon and Russells response for awhile.) Then; "You can't just say science only brings about good things like it's a lovely, friendly old grandad Science issuing stuff. There has been all sorts of complications, the opioid crisis...science but that is too reductive...that is science as a religion but science is just a bunch of research and investigation that can have major outcomes and one of the many human endeavours that is beautiful and brilliant but if you corral that beneath a corrupted system than the outcomes can be corrupted. You can not use such reductive, simplistic arguments when doing something as dismissing a whole class of people- a significant number of people and saying those people are unworthy of compassion. Once contempt enters into an argument, incredible things become possible, elsewhere on the internet they say we are on the outskirts of civil war or new forms of fascism on the rise, well they may not come from where you think they are going to come from. Particularly when you hear discourse of this kind under the guise of liberalism."
17:13 in response to Don Lemon mocking unvaccinated people and horse de wormers: "Making the choice to call Ivermectin a horse dewormer is a propagandist choice, that is a linguistic choice, I've got no opinion on what you should do with your health, but that is an interesting choice and a further decision that makes you believe that perhaps they have an agenda, perhaps they are pushing an agenda and that they are not objectively conveying news. Mainstream media is in serious trouble because it has become entertainment and become propaganda, this is bigger than Don Lemon, whom I am sure as a human being is a lovely guy, but with regard to this particular issue, he is advancing arguments that lead to division that are reductive, that are condemning people, that if you had to look into their eyes you wouldn't be as comfortable condemning. If you had to experience the challenges they are facing with childcare, or go through the reasons they are doubtful about the government I don't think it would be so easy to condemn them. This is a call for compassion, open mindedness and a understanding of nuance. Not to be reductive about such complex issues but the mainstream media has to do this, thankfully we don't have to do that. We can be open minded..and we will still make mistakes. But we will make mistakes without any obvious intention or agenda...to try to understand the complexity of our world and the many stories that are vying for control of your consciousness."
I have two types of readers (I think...I was only informed of one category recently.) First my Secular/Pagan/ Liberal Identifying or Open minded (mostly) sisters (and brothers? I dunno.)
To you dear readers I say;
The rule is to harm none. I know you apply that to vaccines sometimes, but what if it is harming some? The rule is to allow others to decide their own paths. It is not about conversion or about trying to get others on your same path. It is not about stating that vaccines are the only ethical choice, and thereby making those who cannot or will not, feel morally less. What I know you are generally about, because I learned from the beautiful interactions and experiences I have had in your community and friendships in the past, is compassion, awareness, working behind the scenes in positive and hope filled ways and giving the individual autonomy. It is about spiritual mysticism. Mysticism does not have all the answers for other people. That is the beauty of it. You were the controversial healers in the past. You went around patriarchal medicine and gave herbal remedies. Healing women died to help others. Because people like you were different, shunned and thought of as evil, and often victims of misplaced religious zeal, you found ways around majority systems. While you did ground some of your practices in science, you also went against it too for the sake of others. You found remedies that were not always peer reviewed but worked and you used them. Sometimes you made mistakes too and the history certainly isn't perfect, but you know what it is like to be misunderstood, associated with the devil and condemned. Can you not apply that to those who may be different from you? Can you not rise above what our ancestors dealt with? I urge you to stop talking about your positions and start listening for context. I ask you to focus on letting others BE while taking ownership of your own paths. That is the way...
To my Christian sisters (and brothers?) ...I knew a few friends whom are Christian read my posts, but I did not know that others did too (which I recently found out at a Sunday Soccer game.) Especially Conservative Christians...I thought I was too controversial at times? This year alone I was unsubscribed for two conflicting reasons. One said, "With your John O Donnohue posts and mysticism you are too liberal." The other said, "You are too conservative Christian in leaning." I guess we see what we wish to see or from our own contexts?...
Anyway, to the Christians, dear readers, I say;
Is it your job to be God? Do you actually believe God is bigger than all these issues? Is Jesus the way, the truth and the life? Was he unconventional and unexpected, and do you honestly think he would always side with you or say what YOU wish he would say? Perhaps you would be better served to live his example instead? Consider many of his words in the gospels. Were they easy to swallow? Were they often contextual? Did he often concentrate on the people who were directly in front of himself, in their contexts and in their individuality? The blind man was treated differently from the adulteress and the leper. In healings, there were times when He told one to be quiet, and another to spread the word. Why? Why was he so seemingly different? Could it be because he saw each situation DIFFERENTLY? They were different timelines in ministry? That he honoured diversity? One day we will all die. Is this issue worth tearing your families and friends apart over? Is there so much more? Can you overcome with compassion, to get to the root issues? Do you honestly want to repeat some of the travesties Christians have made in the past? Yes, Christians were often the ones fighting for the oppressed and some of the first to end slavery, speak up for women, and heal the world. But in other groups, Christianity and misplaced, zealous, individuals lent the Christian name to crusades, harmful patriarchy, witch hunts, and other atrocities because they thought it was what they were "called" to do. Recently we have been studying WW2, and I think that shows the differences in living out Christian faith and just laying CLAIM to it. Many of the Nazis called themselves Christians and laid claim to it. Hitler took over the Christian churches and had them giving his agenda but he actually loathed Christianity. In that case, Christianity was used in name and language and not in deed. Some well intentioned people started believing in it too. But the ill intent was there. HOWEVER, there were many Christians who went to their deaths refusing to get behind the agenda, who smuggled the oppressed and then became the oppressed, because they could not see the minorities being treated wrongly. At that point, they did not even know what was actually happening...they just knew that they had to honour the fact that they were answerable to a higher law than their current governance. Some were called to help in secret, some were called to just live their lives, some were called to fighting or subterfuge, some were called to listen and witness... WE all have DIFFERING roles, but as Christians, there is a call to LOVE THY NEIGHBOUR. NO that does not mean loving only those you believe are doing right. It means loving that perceived enemy. It means laying down your own life in submission to a greater cause. It means listening to the commandments and not judging personal health decisions. It is about honouring God and realizing that there are things beyond your comprehension, and that some contexts are called to a different way of BEING. If you believe in God, why are you not letting God be the judge? Why are you worrying about other people's choices in the first place? Why are you not living your life and doing the hard things because we were not called to an easy path? Don't be unkind or accusatory. In faith, if you are laying claim to that, maybe you should start with yourself and God and go from there?
And to myself, and people in all categories:
Can we leave our personal agendas and find context and compassion? Can we unify instead of divide and go after the root issues? The root issue is that there are MANY ways to live a good, ethical life. And there are other ways to protect people with, or without, the vaccine. We are all part of the human race. Leave contempt at the door. There is complexity here. Find compassion and activate it, even, and especially when, it is tough to do. The path of brambles can often be more rewarding. Let us not be reductive and blame or shame. Instead let us try to add encouragement, even if we are challenging something, let us use words in the end, that also convey love and that try to see, TRULY SEE, the other person.
We shall be Free- Garth Brooks ( warning the images in this video are triggering and hard at times. I also don’t endorse everyone in it or every saying about education as I think misplaced education has caused major issues. However, the lyrics of the song make me cry every time.)
In other news, How did I not know this? DARREN CRISS, My favourite Blaine of all time, came out with an EPIC Christmas Album. I am in love, love, love! I may have screeched with my daughter, jumping up and down whilst singing the happiest version of RIVER EVER! If you love Glee, or Blainey boy, or show tunes or Classic Bing Like Christmas, Christmas, Christmas! Check it out! A Very Darren Chrissmas. EEK. (Yea I realize that this is opposing sentiments of my post but we can have many layers to us right? Oh Joy- Oh bliss)
*I updated this post after Trudeau called for a state of emergency (and then revoked it) in February of 2022 and feel it still applies. *
"Now I turn around and find that I am lost in the woods. North is south, right is left...Now I'm lost in the woods...up till now, the next step was a question of how? I never thought it was a question of "whether." (Lost in the Woods Lyrics Frozen 2)
Canada has always been true north for me. I have a mug that says, “The world needs more Canada!” In 2021/ 2022, I did not feel that way about my country as a whole. I felt a little lost. Where was my true north?
The North has a way of giving and taking so suddenly. I believe this gives the many inhabitants a live or die mentality of savouring goodness and seizing unexpected moments quickly. I have always believed we were a resilient lot, due to our ever-changing seasons. I am a 'Northern girl, wild and free with four strong winds to carry me.’ (Terri Clark, Northern Girl Lyrics)
This is who I am. Although I may complain at times, and it brings its share of pain, it also brings great depth, freedom, raw strength and beauty. Despite its many issues, Canada has always been to me, the True, North, Strong and Free. But as 2020 turned into 2021 and then 2022, it no longer felt like the land of the free or the strong or perhaps even the true? Everyone was claiming truth at the expense of someone else. The news was manipulating populations in the name of protection. Government was corrupt, more so than usual, and many seemed to have lost their inner compass. Instead of helping our neighbours, we were asked to veto them, require proof of one type of living or BEING, and deny anyone not on the "right side of history" (AKA “our side.”) Maybe we were just too tired and run down to care anymore because the grief was encompassing on every level?
During this time period, my family and I visited our favourite Heritage site, not knowing it would be our last free outing before restrictions again. I was alone in the old-fashioned apothecary shop with the owner. She cheerily accosted me with, "I adore your outfit, half buns in your hair, and entire look. Did you just have that outfit come together or copy it from somewhere? You kind of look like a brown haired version of that DC antihero Harley Quinn!" I chuckled at her genuine enthusiasm and compliment. As I answered her, my gaze fell on a forgotten crystal, covered in dust and a bit of rust, for sale behind the counter. It was the Northern Star. I collect window crystals and knew, despite the rust in the crevices, that it was going home with me. The owner stated that it seemed to suit me. I smiled at her amongst the old pharmacy bottles, tarot cards, crystals, pill bottles and mirrors. Dust floated into the old wooden slants of the cottage shop. Muffled squeals of the families in the candy shop next door, found their way through knotted crevices, but otherwise it was quiet. Old buildings seem to have a settled sort of hush. I love the sacred, quiet places. Upon seeing pictures on our text feed, my father asked if we were the only ones at the park, but we had been there so many times through the years, we knew how to navigate, so it seemed that we were mostly alone. My husband says magic follows me but I believe I follow it. My True North and definition of magic is ALL THAT IS.
Afterwards, my family teased me because I could not stop talking about the magical encounter. The crystal now hangs in my living room window with memories of community; the beauty of strangers’ compliments, magic, and old-fashioned cures and beliefs mixed with the new parts of now; My True North.
Lockdown and a new virus, with varied rules (some unjust and some reasonable rules that protected) were tough on all of us humans. In Canada, what I experienced was extreme division. This land of the chill turned into the land of polarities. As Frodo, in Lord of the Rings, sadly lamented to Gandalf, "I wish it need not have happened in my time."
I belong to this land. I have cherished its freedom. I am proud that my ancestor from Spain drove cattle from Mexico into the heart of Caribou County. I have often wondered, when I was in the heart of the mountains, if my Indigenous ancestors from the Secwepemc/Shuswap tribe traversed similar paths. I am thankful that my German, Danish, English and Romanian ancestors on the other side of my family tree, found their freedom when they were being persecuted in their home countries. They dug roots so that my down home could run deep. They celebrated that their country allowed for the freedoms of worship, community, health rights, and autonomy. They built up generations for the place I now call home.
(“Let us do good; seek justice, correct oppression; bring justice to the fatherless, plead the widow’s cause.” Isaiah 1:17)
Anne Frank, a young teen during WW2 in Europe, may not have seen the end of her war, due to dying from secondary conditions of her imprisonment, but people like her, who told their stories, tried to be grateful, and tried to BE. Their stories became, in a way, everyone's story. By BEING in hard times, even to the end of themselves, and telling their story, they contributed to the world's story. It's brave to BE when a narrative is telling you it is not legitimate. When the larger story says that you are not safe, or that it would be "better for everyone" if you followed this rule and that rule even if you are not sick at all, or worse, flat out wanting you to cease being in every place possible. It is brave to still know you ARE loved and worthy to exist. Growing up we were taught Anne Franks' story as children to show us that even a child, who is curious, wishing to BE, and keeping an innocent journal, had a place in the hero's story. She had no idea the impact she would make just from trying to live. Those that pass onward while doing their best to LIVE always matter. In each big moment in history they were there. But perhaps more importantly, we are here because of each little moment in history. We are here, because each person in our family line chose to make a life, however that would look like, Begetting and Begotten. We are here because they were. We are now in our turn of BEING, because they fought for true north.
Maybe we are past trusting each other with handshakes, but luckily, I see that the inner concept mostly still stands where I live. Perhaps smaller rural areas take longer to lose true north? I hope so. Some people call it ignorant. "You think I'm an ignorant savage? Well, you've been so many places, I guess it must be so. But still I cannot see, if the savage one is me? How can there be so much that you don't know?" (Disney Pocahontas Lyrics)
Perhaps that is why a lot of those who still have to make a living off the land, tend to know the truths of resiliency, natural cycles of death and rebirth, and responsibility at a deeper level than many who do not? Weather, death, and destruction...the natural landscape takes and takes along with a tiny bright blot of giving.
The best life, the one most likely to succeed, is one that owns its responsibility but also relies on its community. Cultures that revere nature, Ranchers, blue-collar workers, and foresters etc. seem to inwardly know this. The north with its harsh climate brings untamed beauty. I love my Canadian prairies and their great partner of sky. It can be treacherous in any climate. In mine, I recognize the wild spirits in the strong steel of survivors of the land. These survivors valued the wild and the free. They braved.
Each time history has lost its true north; people eventually have come back to this truth of living; one’s best life is lived where they are FOUND. The skies hold hope, steady inspiration within ever-changing circumstances, and wild freedom. All we have to do is look UP.
True north is a guide. It’s a state of being from the ultimate BEING. It's that moment, when all hope is seemingly lost, and the darkness suffocates because the moon is dark and the stars are clouded...and one star brightly becomes a beacon in the stark darkness. "You are not alone," It whispers to the great partner of sky. "There is more, there is always light- it just may hide for awhile. Eventually freedom does surface once again." Unfortunately, often it takes a lot of people losing many things, perhaps even lives, for freedom to be valued once again, for the crystal to become clear in the sun. Fear is never the answer. Truth is warm, real and bright. The world shifts in love. We need to sing with all the colours of the winds and allow them to sweep away the clouds blocking true north again.
I loved Disney's Pocahontas as a child, and still do, despite it being called to cancellation by some. To me it represented aspects of my heritage, when many of those stories were lacking as main heroines at the time. I sang Colours of the Wind to my children every night that I tucked them in. The lyrics can eerily apply to our times, "How can there be so much that you don't know? You don't know…" We don't know each path for each person. An example of this would be in the current narrative of health. How do we think we can force the answers or health choices of others when multiple factors such as a history of vaccine anaphylaxis, secondary ingredients etc. can be involved? We don’t own other’s contexts. The majority experience does not always fit the minority. All we can endeavour to do is own our story.
"You think the only people whom are people, are the people who think and look like you." (Pocahontas lyrics) Does this sound familiar in our own narratives? In 2021, did some of us mistakenly believe that the only people whom were people, were the ones who were on our sides of the lockdowns and vaccination stories? Masks? Laws? Politics? In the end, while of course, our stances matter, all things dissolve. What matters more is how we LOVED.
“There is no fear in love, but perfect love drives out fear, because fear involves punishment... If anyone says, “I love God,” but hates his brother, he is a liar. For anyone who does not love his brother, whom he has seen, cannot love God, whom he has not seen.” (1 John 4:19)
"But if you walk the footsteps of a stranger, you'll learn things you never knew, you never knew." (Colours of the Wind Lyrics) There are so many layers to our stories. There is grief we each carry. There is hope too. "Can you brave what you most fear? Can you brave what the river knows? Where the north wind meets the sea?" (All is Found Frozen 2 Lyrics)
When the world overwhelms me, I walk outside. The other evening we stopped on the highway on the way home to look at the stars. We felt small yet oddly so special. The sky was speckled with diamonds. I felt dizzy trying to soak it all in. Suddenly, a coyote began howling and had us running for the van, as a large group of howls surrounded us. I tripped over my youngest son when we dove for the doors, because it sounded like a pack was right beside us. Later, in the distance, from the safety of our van window, we heard dogs begin barking and horses neighing, and more howls from miles away. It is in those moments, I realize how close we all are to the precarious nature of BEING.
"Come run the hidden pine trails of the forest, come taste the sun-sweet berries of the earth, come roll in all the riches all around you and for once never wonder what they're worth…” (Colours of the Wind Lyrics) When we step into the nature of the land, and see the immense cyclical nature of life and death, the precarious danger mixed with absolute delights, we realize, as people, how much more are we capable of doling out?
Tolkien’s Gandalf wisely stated, "Many that live deserve death. Some that die deserve life. Can you give it to them Frodo? Do not be too eager to deal out death in judgement. Even the very wise can not see all ends.” Because as Pocahontas sings; "We are all connected to each other, in a circle, in a hoop that never ends."
(“What causes quarrels and what causes fights among you? Is it not this, that your passions are at war within you? You desire and do not have, so you murder. You covet and cannot obtain, so you fight and quarrel. You do not have, because you do not ask.” James 4:1-2)
If we are connected to each other, why are we eager to override freewill and autonomy? Why do we wish to enforce our wills on another? Is there another way?
"How high does the sycamore grow? If you cut it down, then you'll never know...we need to sing with all the voices of the mountain, we need to paint with all the colours of the wind..." (Colours of the Wind Lyrics)
Canada is the home of four strong winds. It has often symbolized freedom, kindness, tenacity, and generous amounts of space. But for awhile, much of it was forgetting. Much of it was lost. Our north star was glimmering in and out. But, "Sometimes you have to get a bit lost to know that you are found..." (All is Found Lyrics)
"There is a mother full of memory, come my darling homeward bound, where all is lost and all is found.” (All is Found Lyrics) This mother has memory from the mother before her, and the mother before her, and the mother before her, and the mother before her, and on it goes to the great Mother. We are all homeward bound, to death and beyond, whether we wish to be or not. All is lost and all is found in the ever-turning clock of eternity, where time is all experienced as one. But us singular beings currently alive on this earth, we are guided by angels and stars and our predecessors. We must choose which parts we lose and which parts we find.
We must find our own paths to True North. I may feel a deep seated grief and "every inch of me is trembling, but not from the cold. Something is familiar, like a dream that I can reach but not quite hold…I can sense you there, like a friend I have always known. I am arriving and it feels like I am home...you have secrets too, but you don't have to hide. Show yourself...it's your turn." (Show Yourself lyrics.) In our lives, we will have moments when it's our move, our turn and the eyes of the world will be watching.
Canada has had its past and its own darker secrets. Because it is younger, we have less to bemoan, yet still we all have those places to grieve, but overall? Home is a word where feelings run deep. "You must brave what you most fear. Can you brave what the river knows?...Until the river is finally crossed- you'll never feel the solid ground... You have to get a little lost on your way to being found...She will sing to those that hear, and in her song all magic flows..." (All is Found Lyrics)
"I've never felt so certain, all my life I've been torn, but I'm here for a reason, could this be the reason I was born? I have always been so different, normal rules did not apply. Is this the day? Are you the way? I finally find out why?...Here I am...I've come so far... Show yourself! Let me see who you are!" (Show Yourself lyrics)
Let me see whom you are, I say to myself first, then to my fellow friends and community members, my province, and Canada and the world at large. Be true, Be kind, Be free, Be wild.
(“And the King will answer them, ‘Truly, I say to you, as you did to one of the least of these my brothers, you did it to me.” Matthew 25:40)
So it had come to this moment in my history. I felt seemingly lost, my family and friends felt lost with me, and my country also seemed generally lost in the darkness of the woods. But the good thing about being lost is that there is a possibility of being FOUND.
Although, indeed, I wish it never had happened in my time...And Gandalf sorrowfully but confidently replies, "So do all whom live to see such times, but that is not for them to decide, all that we have to decide is what to do with the time that has been given to us."
(“And when he comes home, he calls together his friends and his neighbours, saying to them, ‘Rejoice with me, for I have found my sheep that was lost.’" Luke 15:6)
All is found. What shall we do with OUR time? How will we feel and give love and worth?
*This video was taken after we were in the van and the nearer howls died down but you can still hear them in the distance. My phone does not capture anything at night so the picture is pure dark.
For those concerned with freedom specifically from the vx perspective but also concerned about health- Here is also a link from a man who believes strongly in vaccinations and the science behind them and the covid vax- but why the current trajectory is not right ( this one is speaking to US mandates ) but has good points overall about forcing, bad approach, natural immunity for those who have had covid, needle fear etc.) https://zdoggmd.com/vaccine-mandate/
