Multiple Sided Anti- Hero: INFJ/ Enneagram 4/ Scorpio/ Projector/ Autistic/ Aphrodite Mind Conversations(Or Why I take Blogposts Down)

My Enneagram 4 ( Enneagram personality): I have all these feelings. Maybe I should write a post about it? It will feel good to get angst and thoughts out.

My INFJ (MBTI Personality) : Well, if it considers most people's perspectives and if not, maybe include multiple disclaimers? Will it have a harmonious tone? Will it be inspiring somehow? At least help someone?

My Projector (Human Design Personality): I was not invited by someone to write. No one requested this...so it will not end well. Remember, I am supposed to just stay in my lane and I thrive when I do my own thing and if others invite me into their process...that is when the magic happens.

My Scorpio (Astrological sign) : Who gives a crap? You do you babe...Why am I talking to myself in third person?

My Enneagram 4: But my feelings help others feel... right? That's what feelings are FOR.

My INFJ: Erm, don't be selfish. I need to make sure I am at least putting something good out into the ether. But fine, I can write and publish a post.

My (click) Aphrodite (Jungian Greek myth Personality): I need to include some images that are beautiful or inspiring. Beauty heals. Beauty brings out sides of humanity we often forget about. Some sensual delights from beautiful foods, outfits, music, and nature or images are a healthy way to convey humanity... (pausing in thought) I still do not understand why my husband and children insisted I take down that sheer black curtain with the pretty gems hanging down from it that I draped in front of my bedroom door. I thought it was pretty."

My INFJ: Well, my rational self eventually saw it. Even my youngest saw it. C'mon he even stated, "Mom, these curtains say (then he changed his voice into a sultry tone) this is my SECOND job!"

My Aphrodite: It was pretty. Sheer fabrics and crystals should not be just overly sexualized. Do they have a tone of sensuality? Maybe, but mostly, they give off a glamour.

My Scorpio: Own it baby!

My Aspie/ Autistic self (Brain difference diagnosis): Rationally, people make assumptions based on what they have seen on TV, and thus they most likely will, as your daughter stated, "Associate it with Burlesque."

My Enneagram 4: But she also said, "Mom I saw it and immediately stifled my reaction because I know you and you're an interesting mix of innocent seduction and knowing beauty. You were so excited to show me and I figured awe poor mom, she just loves sparkly things and fabrics and being creative...she's cute so try to act nice about it. She wasn't going for Burlesque vibes."

My Scorpio: So what?? OWN it.

My Aspie Autistic self: Do you ever get tired of saying that? Own what exactly? There is a fine line between trying to fit into society a bit and being yourself. Just pay attention to the logic. The science. Stifle the emotions if you have to.

My Enneagram 4: STIFLE THE EMOTIONS?!?! Where is the beauty and joy in that?? What about mysticism? What about the joy of the unexpected? 

My INFJ: Crap, the post has been up for a few days...there are a lot of personal details in there...and photos that could be copied or used nefariously. Do I really want to give people that power? 

My Scorpio: It's not about power. It's about privacy, mystery, needing space.

My Mental Illness of Occasional Anxiety: What if people do find the post and use it in the wrong way? What if I am putting my family at risk? Why did I write in the first place? Why am I even on the internet? I am supposed to never be found online. ERASE! ERASE!! ERASE!!!!!!!!

My Scorpio: Man, I am a lot. Sweet!!! But that's fine to erase it - If it makes me feel more comfortable -easy peasy. Keep it for my kids and if I want to put it back up it's always just a click away. No biggie. Besides, a little drama in life is fun. Don't be so boring like those other astrological signs. I'm a Scorpio, I need to act like it.

My Aphrodite: Try some humility- you love the other signs because at least they are not you!  … But what about inspiring others with a beautiful word or image or?

My Enneagram 4 (singing Taylor Swift): "I should not be left to my own devices, they come with prices and vices, I end up with crisis. Tale as old as time.... It's me. Hi! I'm the problem, it's me...it must be exhausting always rooting for the anti hero..."

My Aspie /Autistic self: Dramatic much? Yup, I'm a LOT. Also, does anybody even read blogs anymore? I guess in the end it doesn’t matter… it’s just me right?

My Scorpio: Own it babe. It's why only certain people love you but when they do, man do you inspire some loyalty!

My Anxiety: Do I actually??

Also, Am I schizophrenic?

My Aspie Autistic self: You were ruled out for that remember? As was originally stated, "Your hyper imagination combined with your interesting persona and continual cognitive awareness...is normal. The diagnosis of Aspergers Syndrome combined with occasional Anxiety, ADD, and multiple learning disabilities makes for an interesting person, that's all." Well, not NORMAL, but normal for who you are. 

My Enneagram 4 (still singing Taylor Swift): "Sometimes I feel like everybody is a sexy baby and I'm a monster on the hill. Too big to hang out slowly lurching towards your favourite city..."

My Aphrodite: Well, other times I feel like all of life is sexy so there's that…

My INFJ: It's BOTH/ AND... I root for the anti hero sometimes but how many people actually do? Wait, am I the anti hero? 

Yea, that makes sense actually...

My Mental Illness of Occasional Anxiety: Maybe I need a new diagnosis? My inner dialogue sounds certifiably insane... so many sides.

My Enneagram Four: That's called artistry. If you were a celebrity it would be no big deal.

My INFJ (Panicking): Celebrity !??  Who said anything about fame? Anytime I get more that a certain amount of clicks on my blog I start taking posts down! 

My Enneagram 4: Well, what is the point of being like this without using any of it?

My Aphrodite: My house is proof that I use it. Hence, the whole curtain debacle. Most times though, it works out. At least my family is inspired right?...Or they get a good laugh and I can laugh in hindsight...

My Autistic Aspie self: Back to the topic at hand. Should the blog post come down or not?

Enneagram 4: How are you feeling about it?

Anxiety: YES! Take it down NOW!

My Aphrodite: I'm getting tired. It's time to go soak up some nature and stare at some crystals...maybe write a love note to my husband and reach out to a friend. Please stop with the screens...it never feels that satisfying in the end. Real life. Tangible sensory. Immerse in it.

My INFJ: Ok, the post did whatever work it was supposed to do. It can come down...but I worry that maybe someone who will have needed it will miss it?

My Anxiety: I worry it's already been used for some horrible use. Also, what if I was misunderstood?

My Enneagram 4: I am always misunderstood.

My Aspie/ autistic self: Well, maybe take out the ALWAYS...but otherwise... ( shrugs) accurate.

My INFJ: Stop being so dramatic. Harmonize.  Balance. Adjust. Ok, the post is down. Relax.

Scorpio: I am not the hero in the story. I am just me. I need to do me babe. I need to OWN IT.

My projector: Do I care about this anymore?

My Enneagram 4: I need to write a post about this.  (Cue endless circle of my life)

Song Choice: Anti Hero- Taylor Swift

The Rested Soul: I’m not enough and that is OK

(We almost finished my son’s room before visiting my grandma and I just love the results!) 

Context: this post is written during a time of constant bodily distress. For some unknown reason, I have picked up every bug I feel I’ve been exposed to since before Christmas… I have not had this many struggles with viral health since my children were little. This in turn has set back a lot of my diagnosed autoimmune and health disorders. I am not stating this for pity, but to the fact that I have suffered daily with questions about life, health, and the meaning of me within a space of limited energy, diet, functionality and ability. There are days when I am well enough to be out in public and seem OK but they are far and few in between the worst days. Because what I’m going to state is actually the opposite and might seem like I have it all together, but these are the lessons I’ve learned during daily struggle. Some days I feel like I can’t do it physically and my symptoms look hidden to most people, but they are there. This is crucial for setting the context of this post. 

Additional Disclaimer: I have been immersed in Christian culture the last few years again. I want to state the difference between Christian culture and a belief in God. There are key differences. Christian culture has a lot of merit and there are beautiful things that come from it however, there are also some strange, weird and ugly things that also stem from Christian belief and culture. I have written about them before in my past, and I’ve dealt with many of them, but find that they creep up again when I’m immersed in the surroundings of the culture again. I want to point out that God is above Christian culture and while God is in all things good… Things that are wrong about it are not part of a belief in God, but a human construct. I am actually writing this post , with this cultural mindset in mind. People of differing belief may still get something out of my post, as I’m still the same author from previous ones, but like anything in life - this post may not be for you at this time either and that is Ok too. 

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I’m not enough. 

I am faced with that statement each day to varying degrees. But I’ve learned something important throughout my daily struggle. I am not enough, but that’s OK. Because God is. And I have access to God. The mysterious one who encompasses all things GOOD. The beauty of the world and it's simplicity is grounded and rooted in this strange Being. With a breath of relief, I am rested in this Knowing. I am not enough. And I don’t have to be.

This is a hard won lesson. I learned it years ago when I had to use a wheelchair in malls to get around. I learned it when my kids were little and I felt overwhelmed with anxiety and a deep, dark depression daily. And I continue to learn it. As stated before, I don’t like to glamorize chronic illness, and there are worse things and diseases that I could be diagnosed with, and I’m thankful for my lot in life. But that doesn’t dismiss the struggle that I personally have or that others have within their certain conundrums in life. However, the beauty of struggle, if one can dwell in a place of gratitude, is the reliance on something Other. The Spirit of Wonder and Grace… more so than any other adjective though, is the Spirit of Love. I can accomplish all the world has to offer, but if I do not have love, it is meaningless, empty, and full of dark. With Love anything can be conquered ( Well, in the ultimate end anyway… I don’t wish to sound trite but the truth still stands that love outweighs All.) Where the spirit of the Love is… There is freedom. 

I live in a place where Church attendance is considered a hallmark of faith. We escaped that years ago and had a long, lovely break from it all. We learned that church is found in nature, where two or three are gathered, in spiritual awareness and companionship, in art combined with a Spirit of Love and in the fellowship of those of both like minded faith and differing mindsets. Where God is. It doesn’t have to be in a building, although that can be a wonderful attribute at times. But it shouldn’t be considered a hallmark of faith. In fact, I have seen people who sit through the same sermons over and over again and never grow beyond a certain mindset. 

We must always be growing, seeking and becoming, but on the opposite side paradoxically, we must always be resting, at peace, and grateful with the one who is Jireh. I’ve been judged on this. Sometimes vocally, and sometimes I can just feel it a bit… Because truthfully mornings are my worst time when I am in a flare or struggling with illness, or that time of the month when I’m almost haemorrhaging. I can seem fine later in the day and if church was at night, I’d probably be more of a regular attendee because there are aspects that I value in the current church that we are in. But this complexity of my life puts me at advantage and disadvantage. I’m at a disadvantage because I’m considered unreliable or unworthy to serve in the capacity that is wanted. A massive advantage is that I have learned not to be purposefooled into thinking that ministry, busy work, serving, or any other type of striving makes me better or less than the people around me. I have to rely on God only. Over and over again. I have to find my worth not in what I do or even descriptors of who I am but who God is overall, because some days I don’t make it out of bed. Some days I am defined by limitations and yet there is so much beauty still when I look for it. 

The advantage is that I often don’t get caught up in a life that is defined by others. When I do, it’s quickly smashed to pieces. I do not have anything to prove on the best of days because I don’t need to prove anything ultimately. God is enough. Ironically, people are continually brought to my home to be fed spiritually and physically and  mentally… To be rested or encouraged or inspired. But not in a way that can be measured in conversation or used as a social media descriptor ( if I had social media.) It has not been in my personal cards to ever have a fully attained description of what I do in the world. Which puts me at a worldly disadvantage, but I feel it also gives my a spiritual lesson I would not exchange. I have different struggles than those who have been Purposefooled (an excellent book found HERE for those who ARE which my husband benefited from greatly.) I have different lessons. Anxious lessons about body which connects to my spiritual side. An inability to do “normal things” well. Daily, ordinary struggles that aren’t typically understood by the masses but definitely understood by those who suffer bodily. 

There are seasons we are completely left alone (usually when healing, restorative rest is required.) Our life doesn’t look like order much to the chagrin of establishments or those who value those as ultimate authority ( as institutions are required to be orderly which IS important) but there is a facet of Order running through the chaos in our lives. I believe God loves order, so a form of order is created. It is an artful gaze of beauty running through the knotted tangles, but life is also messy. It’s a fact in this world. To seek perfection is to seek to BE God. No thanks. I don’t want that humanely impossible goal. I’d rather let God be God and accept that because God is God, I don’t need to prove anything. I can be lavished in LOVE…even in misery. I’m a continually reformed perfectionist whom is learning this lesson season by season, over and over. I learn it, unlearn it, rest in it, angst in it… rinse and repeat. 

With my humanness at the forefront, I also understand that I’m not always going to understand. I must embrace the Peace that TRANSCENDS all understanding. 

(Looks can be deceptive. This picture was taken when my gut was a mess and I had just finished gagging and dry heaving...but we still had a laugh and a snuggle because life is BOTH AND.)

I’m also aware that just because I rest in Peace, it does not negate that I am also required to grow, to become more of Spirit, to take up the responsibilities and burdens I have specifically been given. Lately, this is in the form of learning more about emotions. I am grateful for books that enter my life exactly when my soul needs them. 

The “Untangle your Emotions” book by Jennie Allen (click) is the latest book I have needed. For years in cognitive therapy I learned how to re wire my thoughts and create new circuits in my brain. It took years of hard work and I’m better for it. Yet, there are many facets to being human. When the focus was on thoughts, I did leave behind many of my feelings. It’s time to unwind my tangled emotions, allow them to be felt, and acknowledge that I’m a deeply feeling human. Even the least feeling of us humans, is affected by feelings, whether they wish to acknowledge this fact or not. While the book is definitely immersed in Christian cultural language, the truths I’ve found are going to be re visited over and over for myself at this time. God expresses all emotions yet without missing the mark. We live in an emotionally charged culture where emotions are considered “full truth” at the expense of all else. On the opposite side, Christian culture often represses human emotion … there is a balance to be found and the book is excellent at marrying the science of the brain with faith on the spectrum of emotion. 

We each have our own unique blessings and hardships. I prefer to use those words over privilege and unfairness. I have learned that leaning into the concept of blessings, even when I’m struggling, changes me. My circumstances do not always change, but something inside me shifts, and that peace that transcends all understanding re emerges within. Nothing changed yet everything changes.

A short list of personal gratitude’s:

- The way the air catches the outdoor curtains hanging on my deck and in that moment all I have to do is watch it twirl and breathe. 

- Sunshine that soaks into the skin and helps calm a nauseous stomach.

- Foods that don’t taste as bad when they come back up with heartburn and deep burping later. Even if it means I’m knocking back milkshakes and salt and vinegar chips at an alarming and unhealthy rate. Sometimes one temporary ( hopefully) unhealthy thing is the lesser evil.

- Gaviscon ( my husband jokingly calls it Grammascon) - it has literally stopped embarrassing random public gagging attacks immediately. I’m not a medication gal but it’s been a life saver! I was visiting my beloved grandma recently and was choking a lot and could not hide the heartburn coughs and deep burps. My grandma and aunt insisted I take Gaviscon regularly the entire week I was there and forced me to lay down often. I felt like a failure as I was going to Grandmas to work, and while I did get a bit of gardening and organizing the house in while my husband and children took on major Reno’s …I was mostly the organizer, decorator and boss…and the one who could sit and visit. (Which I should be used to by now but sometimes I still feel a bit inferior - like I COULD do more.) But each moment with my loved ones was precious too and I’m grateful they also took care of me. 

- magnesium baths that soothe pain points.

- a physiotherapist who is a natural healer and enables me to walk instead of be in a wheelchair. 

- a naturopath whom I anticipate seeing in a week whom often gives me pieces to the puzzle I can’t figure out myself.

- Ferramix even though it doesn’t fully absorb, at least it keeps me semi functional when I can’t leave my house due to bleeding issues.

- Gods timing: it’s not mine for sure, but usually in hindsight I see the why …

-A husband who works so I don’t have to feel my daily restraints and pain and perceived failures at an even greater level. Better still, a husband who believes I do beautiful worthy things just as I am. 

- A beautiful community we can live on a budget in and still thrive. Beautiful surroundings made from sacrificial choices. 

- Good hours (or when lucky) days, when normal life is SUCH a gift! I love it when it’s been minutes or hours when I haven’t thought about my stomach, my pain, my inner organs , fatigue or about choking. What an incredible blessing to go about the day fully functional! To not think about breathing or when the next “attack” or flare will be. To laugh and embrace the joy of BEING. It’s such a gift. 

- Music: from Musgraves to Dolly to Amy Grant to all things beautiful! My current new favourite is Kacey’s 'Deeper Well' album and nostalgic 90s country. I crave down home roots when I am in semi survival mode. 

- My Grandma. We recently drove the 12 hours home from nine days away… I struggled with health the entire time but it was still worth every bit. My Grandma is one of my favourite people in the world ( click here) and each moment with her is a gift. 

- My children. What an incredible blessing to have friends, companions, sharers of beauty and hardship, and grace filled lessons built into three Beings I birthed… yet they bring daily birthings of beauty into my soul. 

- The One Whom Is. Who lavishes Love, even in pain or suffering or when I can't fully feel it. I KNOW it's there. It's a choice to see it. When it comes down it, the Beatles sang it right, LOVE really is all you need. My soul can rest in that even if my body, sometimes, does not. I am not enough, and that is OK. God is. Love is.

Ps paradoxically I also stand by my post about being more than enough - Imago Dei https://worldwecreate.blogspot.com/2015/11/women-like-mewe-drown-oceans.html?m=1

Song Choice: Architect- Kacey Musgraves