Tuesday, July 3, 2018

About Friendships; Spontaneity, Personal Responsibility, The Diminished Soul, Jordan Peterson and Friendship Reciprocity.



The Importance of Spontaneity Within Measure:

Being an Introvert and a Planner, it would surprise most people to learn that I need spontaneity in my life within balance. One evening my grandparents texted and asked to come over within the half hour. Luckily, it was just enough time to tidy up and mentally prepare before we spent a lovely two hours chatting about their lives growing up in the backwoods during the 1950's. While I would not welcome numerous drop ins at my home weekly without at least a half hour notice, this had me thinking about the community of souls I am a part of.

Following that experience, I was reading my typical blogs and Mr. Money Moustache's newest post cited this HERE, "People would show up in the morning and just linger and come and go all day, swimming in the pool, grilling up lunches and dinners, playing cards at night or watching movies in the impromptu movie theatre I had set up in the old detached garage. There were last-minute multi-person sleepovers every weekend. Leftover spicy bratwurst for breakfast cooked over an open fire in the morning. The fond memories from this early-nineties teen utopia live on in all of us*. So naturally, I have wanted to find ways to recreate that carefree feeling ever since. According to people who actually study this stuff, the key to a really happy community and warmer friendships seems to be you need to run into people unexpectedly every day, and then do fun stuff with them. To facilitate this, you need to live close enough together that you encounter one another when out for your morning stroll. "

I also grew up in the nineties and my parents house was continually used for massive sleepovers, BBQ's, movies and the door was constantly open last minute to my friends. I needed loads of downtime afterwards, but I also loved the safety net of community. I enjoyed my friends and flexible excursions into connection. I thought that would be what I would provide for my children. Our house is amazing and children LOVE it when they come to it. But society has changed. Children are constantly in organized events. When they are not micro managed, they crave downtime or need family time. Our children are generally the exception and not the rule in this regard.

Over the last two years death happened, depression happened...and we had to keep a tighter closed door for a few years. We still like to keep our spaces pretty protected, but for the few people I allow into our lives, I like the concept of a flexible place...to make room occasionally and to SHARE in the experience of living together...(within balance for this Introvert of course.) Those whom have invested in us and want the best for us deserve some of our time. Especially if both parties genuinely enjoy the other's company. Luckily, we have some friends who feel the same and occasionally call up on a Sunday and ask if they can come chat. I think it's a brave thing to do- to risk both time and rejection for the off chance there may be space for one's soul. Sometimes we say no, but more often than not, we try to say yes. Instead of being irritated by the interruption I try to see it as an honour that they feel comfortable enough with us to ask. The dad of the house knows my husband from small group and is a few decades older than us. He remarked once, "It is so rare to find a family who is as welcome and flexible as you guys are. In the lonely winters I feel lucky that I can just text you the day of and come over to chat for long hours as our kids play. We can talk philosophy or general life and it's engaging and feels like a second home. Thank you for that provision. It is rare. Especially in people your age."

There are times in life when we need to be protective of our time. Perhaps even a little selfish. But there is also a time when we should question our own patterns too. There are seasons for everything. Whatever season we are in, it is important we balance ourselves with the perspective of the other side. For myself, this next decade encompasses the last few years of my children officially in my home. I intend to take this time as much as possible. But I also want them to look at what we provided for others, what we shared, and how we did not always require people to meet our time tables. Recently our children were sponsored to walk for water. We were asked two days prior to the race (short notice.) We said yes. Yet, the same week, we said no to an amazing offer to have our daughter be in extra in Carmen the Opera. Why yes to one and no to another? For us, it comes down to the amount of time commitment. Honestly, it is also sometimes easier to do the last minute engagement. Why? Because we know how we are feeling IN THE MOMENT.

Spontaneity is important due to this factor. We are who we are RIGHT now. We honour that in others by allowing them to show up in the world as they are to us in a certain moment. We honour it in ourselves by living life to the fullest. We prepare for the future, memorialize the past, but also have to maximize the present. Sometimes that means making room for quick interactions that build meaningful inspiration later. Some of my best moments have not been planned. Life happens whether we plan for it or not. What is important is if we can take the moment, once it is presented and make the necessary adjustments.

That said, I also love to plan. I am an INFJ after all. I have lists, budgets for following years, goals and time lines. Some beautiful moments in my life have also been planned. It's a tightrope of balance. Lately, I have been challenged in my flexibility. To still allow myself to be ME, but take myself into uncomfortable circumstances occasionally. Sometimes the pay off is more than worth it. Other times it is a learning experience I would not repeat. The autonomy is important. So is the perspective and freedom to say no or yes without bitterness or resentment from either party. The beauty of freedom is aptly expressed in this give and take. Not only is freedom reflected but love, respect and trust. When we have relationships we trust, we don't tie them to schedules, but we also allow for schedules too because BOTH are part of the existence in this life. I am trying to work on my flexibility, being on the receiving end of tight schedules that were not my own, made me realize that I did the exact same sort of rule to others...and that I needed to take personal responsibility to let the people in my life know that I am open to change and balance. I am open to sharing my time and giving it, within what I can.

Personal Responsibility:

There is personal responsibility in every relationship. Even in a "helping" relationship, we need to ask ourselves if we are really lifting someone up out of their own muck or taking away their personal autonomy by 'rescuing' them. Sometimes we accidentally strip victims of their power by taking away any agency they had in helping themselves. "Vice is easy. Failure is easy too. It's easier not to shoulder a burden. It's easier not to think, and not to do, and not to care. It's easier to put off until tomorrow what needs to be done today, and drown the upcoming months and years in today's cheap pleasures... How do I know that your suffering is not the demand of martyrdom for my resources, so that you can oh so momentarily stave of the inevitable? Maybe your misery is your attempt to prove the world's injustice, instead of the evidence of your own ... missing of the mark, your conscious refusal to strive and to live....Maybe it's your revenge on Being. How exactly should I befriend you when you're in such a place? How exactly could I?" (*Citation below)

The Diminished Soul:

Recently I have been reading Jordan Peterson. Before my readers jump to any conclusions, let me state that I started reading him because I was opposed to him. I heard about him through my husband who really liked JP. I read articles and then I made a judgment. But, whenever I make judgments I feel I should at least know thine enemy in context and give a fair trial. It's who I am. Thus, I watched some Youtube videos, and read the book, "12 rules of Life" and changed my position. I don't agree fully with Jordan Peterson. In context, I find he has some wisdom to share and some needed (sometimes harsh) words for our current culture. On the flip side, I would not always take his cause either. (A blog post for another time methinks.)

I was brought up short numerous times while reading. Rule number 3 is "Make friends with people who want the best for you." In it he states. "Success; that's the mystery. Virtue; That's what's inexplicable. To fail, you merely have to cultivate a few bad habits. You just have to bide your time. And once someone has spent enough time cultivating bad habits and biding their time, the are much diminished. Much of what they could have been has dissipated, and much of the less that they have become is now real. Things fall apart, of their own accord...I am not saying there is no hope of redemption..." (*)

I realized, I have allowed my soul to be diminished over the last few years. In some ways I gave in to some bad habits. I gave away my autonomy in the name of peace and harmony. I forgot that my way of BEING in the world has to be both freedom and responsibility. And I became less. I spoke up less, I asked for less, I gave less, I had less energy and it created a vicious cycle and the habits I started out of desperation became a REAL part of me. That reality point was tough to face. Over the last few months I have taken baby steps out of my own chasm. I came up with a plan that was flexible but also required discipline of myself. We began the Whole30 and my eating habits changed, which then helped my attitude change, which then helped my energy change, which then brought about change in how I showed up to those I loved. While I am far from perfect, I feel that my diminished sides have begun to fade into new blooms of growth. I still have chronic illness and struggles, I am still odd in a world of 'the norm', but I am taking back what I can. Establishing new habits, challenging my own ones, facing the hard truths and finding redemption.

The concept of "Helping Others"

Jordan Peterson finishes his chapter by writing that a person has to WANT to be improved, and help themselves a bit first before anyone can truly come alongside the journey. And for the helpers who wish to walk alongside the suffering, we must ask ourselves the tough questions first. Are we maybe trying to be too good of a person? Do we wish to see ourselves in the powerful light of Helper instead of the helped? Do we console ourselves with this type of martyrdom instead of doing the hard work of being honest and leading by example instead? While it is important to help those in real need of help, we must look at what exactly that constitutes.

"Here's something to consider; If you have a friend whose friendship you wouldn't recommend to your sister, or you father or your son, why would have such a friend for yourself? You might say out of loyalty. Well, loyalty is not identical to stupidity. Loyalty must be negotiated, fairly and honestly. Friendship is a reciprocal arrangement. You are not morally obliged to support someone who is making the world a worse place. Quite the opposite. You should choose people who want things to be better, not worse. It's a good thing, not a selfish thing, to choose people who are good for you. It's appropriate and praiseworthy to associate with people whose lives would be improved if they saw your life improve." (*)

The above statement had me thinking for quite awhile. I used to attract everyone who needed help. In my early twenties I was constantly giving our limited time, resources and money away, believing it was what was required of me to be a good person. Plus, I tend to have a bleeding heart when it comes to some causes. Then I had to learn boundaries. Now, I am in a new cycle, learning to incorporate both sides of the coin. Yet, maybe withdrawing help sometimes gives help? I know, in our circumstances of early life, when the church refused to help our desperation, we did what we could, and over the years we learned how to be independent and thriving. We needed that hard lesson. I am thankful the church refused. Some may think I am bitter for remembering, but even though it hurt, it was one of the moments that helped define our autonomous future. Did it create more suffering and heartache at first? Yes. Did I have therapy for some moments of trauma during that time? Yes. But I am here, now, who I am in a beautiful life, partially because of that moment of refused help. It's tricky. I do believe in helping the truly vulnerable, needy and innocent...but often those who ask for our help have some responsibility of their own. I find that a tough lesson to learn.

Reciprocity:

"If you surround yourself with people who support your upward aim, they will not tolerate your cynicism and destructiveness. They will instead encourage you when you do good for yourself and others and punish you carefully when you do not. This will help bolster your resolve to do what you should do, in the most appropriate and careful manner. People who are not aiming up will do the opposite. They will offer a former smoker a cigarette... They will become jealous when you succeed ...withdraw their presence or support or actively punish you for it..." (*)

I have had to ask myself, if I am that friend (cited above) to my husband first and foremost. Do I celebrate his upward aims? Do I not allow him to engage in his own self destruct? Do I encourage him to be healthy and do what is good and create boundaries when he engages in self harm? Do I do this with my children whom are also my friends? Myself? My other friend circles? How can I be more brave with honesty and not just harmony, while still incorporating the harmony of myself that I also need to honour?

Jordan Peterson ends the chapter on Friendship with this;
"It is for this reason that every good example is a fateful challenge and every Hero, a Judge. Michelangelo's great perfect marble David cries out to its observer: 'You could be more than you are.' When you dare to aspire upward, you reveal the inadequacy of the present and the promise for the future. Then you disturb others, in the depths of their souls, where they understand that their cynicism and immobility are unjustifiable... You remind them that they ceased caring not because of life's horrors, which are undeniable, but because they do not want to lift the world up on to their shoulders, where it belongs... Don't think it is easier to surround yourself with good, healthy people than with bad unhealthy people. It's not. A good, healthy person is an ideal. It requires strength and daring to stand up near such a person. Have some humility. Have some courage. Use your judgment, and protect yourself from too uncritical compassion and pity. Make friends with people who want the best for you." (*)

What a challenge to live up to! To lift the world on one's shoulders like Atlas but not because of punishment, but because it is part of being a good human being. If I look around at who I surround myself with, within this lens, I realize I have a lot of work to do on myself, while still accepting whom I am and what I have been given.

Luckily, I am grateful for those who are in my small circles. Many of them inspire me to be a better person. Either in body, soul or spirit. Each person has a different set of ideal gifts to learn from. It is humbling to stand next to a beautiful friend who takes the best care of herself that she can. I admit that it inspires me to look into skin care, keep up my work outs and eat better. NOT because I am comparing. I may not look like that friend at all. But because I see the love she has for herself and it is contagious. It is also humbling to stand next to my friend who is honest when I ask her opinion on all matters but gives the news with grace. I find myself wanting to be more truthful in speech and brave in my bearing. Not to be her, but to find my own way of being brave. It is humbling to be friends with someone who asks me to do better, to work with her quirks or schedules but also makes way for mine. That kind of acceptance asks me to be both considerate and self giving. I am no longer off the hook with excuses but gloriously thought of as independent. It is humbling to see my gal friend be on time and show up in her busyness because she committed to me. It makes me question my integrity and how I show up in the world. Sure, I will probably always be a little late to some places, but her presence makes me question how effective I can be in managing my time. It is humbling to hear my best friend celebrate me when she is struggling. It makes we want to be a kinder, non jealous person when I am struggling and others are succeeding. It is humbling to see someone be themselves even though the world around them judges because of preconceived notions of what is good, but they are who they are, regardless. This makes we want to stand strong in whom I am.

I want to make friends with people who want the best for me. I also want to be the friend who wants the best for those around me. "Well, you came and opened me, and now there's so much more I see, and so by the way I thank you...Keep smiling, Keep shining, knowing you can always count on me, for sure, that's what friends are for. In good times, and bad times, I'll be on your side for ever more. Cuz that's what friends are for." (**) I want to not only support my friends, but call them to make the world better. And if I am not doing that, maybe I should scrutinize if I am even being a friend. I also want my friends to not only accept who I am, but encourage me to be as much as I can be, to make the world better. It’s both acceptance and responsibility...




* All quotes taken from pages 80- 83 of Jordan Peterson's book "12 Rules for Life. An Antidote to Chaos."

** Song Lyrics from "That's What Friends are for"- Dionne Warwick's official music video for 'That's What Friends Are For' ft. Elton John, Gladys Knight & Stevie Wonder.

Friday, June 8, 2018

The Moment I Fell Back In Love with My Husband, Why Marrying Young is Often an Excellent Choice for Committed Partnership and A "Just Checkin In Sort of Love."

(Disclaimer: *I want to express here to my friends who are divorced or separated, that I acknowledge your immense pain and heartache. This post is not focused on that aspect of understanding and perhaps is not meant currently for your eyes if you are in a tough spot right now. While I understand those tough spots and I currently never wish to be in those moments again, I know that both partners have to be willing to get back to a place of being in love. One person's love is not enough for both. I am so incredibly sorry for the one whom loved, but it was not enough to carry, and that pain can be worse than death when it's fresh. Miserable marriages are the worst, speaking from experience when one particular year was so heartbreaking...I had PTSD for the next full year...in a small part I understand but in another aspect- I don't...because my journey is suddenly in happiness again and this post is about that reclaiming and giving advice to couples who are on the precipice but have choices...)

The Moment I Fell Back In Love with My Husband



I have alluded to the fact that my husband and I recently had 2.5 tough years in THIS and THIS post. In our 17/18 years together, we have had some terrible years, epic times, and neutral moments, but currently, I am celebrating that thus far, this is becoming one of our together times. 


 A couple months ago my husband and I were watching a movie together. It was a perfectly ordinary moment in which we both started laughing and I snuggled into his chest naturally. It took a second to register that I didn't have to pre choose to be near him, or force myself to make contact, and then my head popped quickly off his chest and I exclaimed,"Oh my goodness!!! It happened!" And he knew EXACTLY what I was going to say, because at the same time I said, "I'm back in euphoric love with you." He said, "What? You are back in love with me?"


The fact that he had the same realization at the same moment made me love him even more. I felt like I had in years passed. We have always been FOR each other in a chosen partnership, in good times and bad times. We actively choose to get through the hard years, because we know that we would just have to eventually traverse a similar path with someone else. All relationships have their eventual ebb and flow. We knew we valued commitment and nothing barring two definite rules of ours, would be worth losing what we had. In tough times, if we work on our relationship and actively choose to try, eventually the feelings will come back. This time it took almost 2.5 years to fully come around to the feelings of being IN love, but we still HAD love. We chose to have each other's backs despite our issues. 

Why Marrying Young is Often an Excellent Choice for Committed Partnership
                                            

Our natural relationship is based on the beautiful ordinary. I often tell my children to try to marry young if they want a lifelong committed partnership. Why? Because contrary to popular advice, marrying young causes the couple to GROW together. It's easier to adapt to each other because from a vulnerable age, both people have chosen to consider one another. It tends to go that these individuals are less set in their ways, there are more options to choose from below a certain age, and if chosen with wisdom and preparation, the couple has more time to bond together for a lifetime of choices. The problems of marrying young are NOT from age. They are from a lack of maturity (maturity is ageless and depends on perspective) when making choices, which can be partially remedied by preparation. My husband and I went to seven different marital counsellors of differing beliefs. SEVEN. I admit, we were trying to make a point that we could get married because almost everyone was telling us it was a bad choice. Which in hindsight, the naysayers gave us a head start by allowing us to "rebel" and figure out how to be stronger in our decision. Overall, most issues in life are not about age. Age is different from wisdom. I know 16 year olds who have more wisdom than some 68 year olds. I see couples who will succeed being married at forty and couples who will succeed being married at 18. It's not about age. But there IS an element of TIME. Being together longer, having moments to infuse love and bond together in almost every decade minus childhood, DOES add a special type of element to love. My husband and I knew each other at 17. We have witnessed the changes from teen hood to young adulthood, early twenties to thirties and thirties to mid thirties together. If you are older than 30, think of all those crucial life moments, skills and wisdom that was gathered through those years. Now imagine sharing them with a life partner in vulnerability and balance. That can either ruin a couple or fuse them so tightly together that it is almost impossible to bring them apart.

                                        
What will make the difference between ruination and fusing tighter to each other? This is a complex question. Unfortunately some factors are out of our control. Tragedy, death, and mental illness can change a couple's rate of succeeding. But they can also bring a couple together. It depends on BOTH people. Mostly, in a large generalization, it comes down to communication, humour, willingness to be vulnerable and natural, respect and commitment. If both partners are able to express the truth in love, remain open in vulnerability and share most experiences with each other, most obstacles can eventually be overcome. 

A "Just Checking In Sort of Love."
My husband checks in every day with texts like, "Morning love, How was your sleep? How are you feeling today?" He also calls me during work with his headphones. He can have the worst timing. I will be in the middle of check out at a store, or running to the bathroom, having a serious discussion with my kids, tacking up decor, dealing with broken glass or my arms will be full of packages while I am unlocking my door. Actually, often his timing is "inconvenient." But most of the time, I still answer. Because he is making the time, I need to make the time. I remind myself what I am doing can often wait. Or I can quickly tell him I will call him back. But most of the time, I smile as his ring tone of "At Last" starts to croon and I begin the conversation with, "Hi Babe, what's up?"

Since we were teens together, he has known that I tend to forget the sensory details of the day. He will ask me if I have eaten and make sure that I get food nurturing. I make sure he is covered in natural sunscreen if he is working outside, that his schedule is manageable and that he has drank enough water. During our 2.5 years of chaos, we still made this kind of love a practice.

In general, we have a rule to tell each other important or relevant news first, before anyone else. Sometimes we forget but we actively try to choose to share emotion as a priority. Each morning before he leaves, I will often feel a kiss on my cheek or forehead. If I stir, I will hear the words, "Shhhhh go back to sleep baby." And I will...with a slight smile on my face. When I wake up later I send a text to him with, "Morning love. Hope your day is going well." This routine still happened when we were going through tough times. Because practicing the daily love BECOMES love.



Whenever one of us is going away for the day, we make sure we say, "I love you." It's a habit that has been a part of us since we were 17. We have only had 10 full days/nights away from each other in 18 years together. Even when I feel I hate him, I can't stand to go to sleep without him. When I am super mad, I wait till he is asleep (which doesn't take long) and then I reluctantly move to spoon him, because it is easier for me to fall into slumber in that natural position. He will shift in his sleep to accommodate me and often he will move his arm so that it is holding mine. Even if we were arguing before sleep. Reaching for each other is a habit.

He makes me laugh and I crack him up. We will often be found laughing until our bodies are shaking. Actually the movie "Friends with Benefits" (which I do not recommend if you have issues with sexual scenes) reminds me of my husband and I. We are best friends first. Of course we have our sexy times, but often our private relationship is full of casual friendship moments, laughter, joking and a general comfortability.

The other day I could not stop snapping pictures of him. I couldn't get over how beautiful he was. I am often in awe of his natural facial beauty. I can't compare to him that way. I have to put on make up and effort into my form of beauty. He wakes up and those beautiful smile crinkles light up his face. His faded freckles dot his smooth skin and his stubble highlights his full mouth. He has the most stunning smile coupled with expressive, blue sky eyes. I find him more attractive than any movie star I adore (which isn't many but the ones I do think are attractive tend to look similar to him...except for Blaine in Glee, and he just encompasses my husband's charismatic personality in many ways.) Yet despite the fact that he is prettier than me, every day he tells me how beautiful I am. Often, he catches me off guard. He typically says it when I am feeling at my worst. Often he makes advances when I am in sweats, a t shirt and have barely any make up on or my hair is a rat's nest. I sigh with frustration and say, "Why do you never make these advances when I am in heels and a dress or look better?! Now, it will take me awhile to come around to the idea that I am sexy which factors into our time together..." But he always replies, "I prefer knowing you're comfortable. That's hot to me." Which, let's admit, is a pretty quick way for me to get over myself. It works, but I can tell he is genuine. I can be in a dress and heels like in this photo my son snapped below- when I think I look the best I can be:
... and even though we have time to connect, instead he chooses to focus attention on me a day later when I look casual, probably smell, am in glasses and PJs without make up and my hair is messy (pic below also taken by my son- my daughter snapped the photos of my husband and I.) and it seriously baffles me because it has been the pattern all through our marriage. These moments are not when I would personally choose me anyway...:
                                          

Often in Romances or Novels, there is this pressure to have an epic amount of sexiness. The romance hinges on constant sexual advances, hot bodies, or over the top romantic overtures in hot air balloons or exciting, expensive places...Even on Instagram, the trendy couple posts are the ones where two hot people with excellent clothes are taking pictures in stunning landscapes or in the perfect lighting. These photos capture a feeling and are beauty in a different way, but should not be a standard of expectation. While my husband and I have had similar epic moments, and we have a couple perfect pictures together or have had moments of constant attraction...these occasions are few and far between life's ordinary. And the ordinary bliss is truly what romance is about.



It's the moment when he tucks me in because I have been doing too much extraverting and he knows that I will crash if I do not have ample alone time in my room. Or when I arrange his schedule and organize his next business venture because I know those details stress him out and cause him to feel inadequate. It's when we run our hands along each other's backs as we pass in the hallway of our home. Or when we quickly peck each other's cheeks as we cross each other's paths. Love is where we are on Sunday mornings, snuggling in bed because we are free in time to enjoy each other. It's the moment when I finish his sentences and predict his behaviour so that I can change our environment to suit his moods. It's trusting that he doesn't cheat in any form including images on his phone, and vice versa. It's choosing each other to fill our needs instead of going to another convenient or seemingly exciting choice. It's when we share a smile over the kid's heads because something they said hit us right in our souls and we both KNEW what the other was feeling. It's him scrubbing the shower because he knows I lack the strength, and me doing his laundry because I know he lacks the time. A large part of this is also sharing our small hopes and dreams together and finding a way to activate our change together. If one of us wants to change our eating patterns, the research is shared and if it's drastic, we BOTH choose to walk the path together because we know that type of change can re set a person, thus we want to re set together. This also applies in financial goals, home goals and child rearing. (Obviously we also have our important separate choices and crucial alone time too.)


"It's ordinary, plain and simple, typical this every day love, same old, same old, keeping it new. Emotional so familiar, nothing about too peculiar, oh but I can't get enough of this every day love. Every afternoon I make a phone call, listen to the voice that warms my heart, I drag myself through a few more hours, and drive home to try to beat the clock, his smile will be right there, just like it was before, and it will be that way tomorrow, like every day before. I wouldn't change one single thing about it, it's run of the mill but I still can't live without it."- Rascal Flatts

P.S. Happy Birthday Baby. I love walking the tightrope with you in our ordinary day love. You are truly the only person in the world who knows me for all that I am. After these last 2.5 tough years I wanted let you know how very proud I am of you. That even in your tougher moments I was pretty honoured to still be your partner. I wouldn't want to go through hell with anyone else but you! But it's also lovely to be back in Ga Ga love with you. "I Hope you're the end of my story. I hope you're as far as it goes. I hope your the last word- I ever utter. That it's never your time to go."- Pistol Annies

From the Kids- Forever our Thor:



Song Choice: Everyday Love- Rascal Flatts , Tightrope- Michelle Williams, End of My story- Pistol Annies

Wednesday, May 30, 2018

The Other Side of Boundaries: Value Those Who Genuinely Care For You. The Rare Beauty of Deep Connections. Accepting "Socially Inappropriate" Behaviours as Beauty too. Expressions of Gratitude.


Boundaries and letting go are important concepts for an INFJ to learn. They have been my focal points for about a decade. I will forever be learning in the realm of "appropriateness" and proper boundaries. But there is a counter balance to this lesson. Luckily, for me, this counter balance comes more naturally. However, in the past, it threw me often into the deep end of other's grasping hands of use or desperation. So I had to learn to bury my depth of caring. I began burying it with distant friends, then in immediate circles, and finally this mentality even bled into my relationship with my husband. Luckily, my children were always my constant. They continued to allow me to be ME. They adored me as I was and am. If it wasn't for them, I think I may have locked that aspect of myself forever in the dark recesses of my soul.

But they were there. With their unconditional love, support, and acceptance. And I saw that it didn't matter how intense I was, how absolutely quirky or ridiculously animated I became...whatever I was, and how tightly I held on to them- they loved me back or more for it. When I showed them every day how much I cared in varied ways, they didn't ask me to put up more boundaries. They simply accepted. Of course I had a few natural, healthy boundaries, but I didn't have to actively practice "boundaries" with them the way I had to with others. What a relief that was!

Boundaries are important. For the rest of my life I will be writing, implementing and learning about boundaries, letting go, and allowing growth to take me in different directions. But there IS another side. And I will forever constantly be torn between the healthy endeavour of fitting in, being socially appropriate, and making healthy parameters around myself and my family...and being whom I naturally am at my core; an extremely giving, innocent, intense, deep and quirky person who craves time, depth and emotional connection.

 

A few years back I found a balance between these two aspects. But life is a journey of growth, mistakes and successes. This new season, I am re learning what I already knew. After my aunt died, there was a moment when I realized that, "There is one less person in the world who loved me for ME. Who thought my quirkiness was brilliant, who wanted to protect my innocence, who believed in my words, and wished the best for me. One less person who thought my temper was valuable and amusing and didn't take offence when I was "off," distant or moody. And one less person in the world who I felt the same for back." That hit me hard. 

Recently, one of my former best friends from High School was over. We see each other a few times a year and pick up where we left off for the most part. She will forever be another person who loves me for me in varying aspects. Religiously we are worlds apart and have conflict. But when it comes to my quirks or fears, she has my back. And I have hers. We were talking about her grandparents passing away and she astounded me with saying the exact same phrase I said above. She softly remarked that there were now less people in the world who loved her for HER. Who didn't care if she was fat or skinny, rebellious or kind, successful or failing in any regard...they just loved HER. At that moment I, once again, realized why we are still friends. Our brains often formulate the same response to life. Our ethics are similar even if our beliefs are not. We wish for authenticity and connection, beauty, innocence, sweetness, and family ties. For the most part, we both see value in the same places. We laugh boisterously together and she shares memories with my daughter. That, is invaluable.

This had me thinking about all of the people in my life. It is tough to express, in the busyness of life, how much a person can mean. A single connection out of the blue can change our lives. One text conversation can alter our destiny. People are often conduits of growth. We often forget to thank them. Until one day we realize they are absent. They are either far away or out of this life. If they have passed onward without our expression of gratitude that is a moment that can never be given back.

Luckily, in the cases of my aunt and my mother in law (both of whom passed on in the last couple years) I have text feeds that I went out of my comfort zone to express my gratitude for their role in my life. Because I knew the end was coming. I was able to make a video for my MIL and show it to her in one of her awake moments, of the children and my husband, to a song, to thank her for everything she had done in our lives. With my aunt, we shared a couple vulnerable conversations. These conversations have slowly become an engrained part of my soul. They shape how I am with others. They shape my responses in mind and heart.

Strangers can also change our lives forever. Blog writers, books, music, film, actors, past friends, distant relatives, frenemies, close friends, besties, spouses, extended family, children, children's friends, neighbours...Each of these people may be in need of words of encouragement. Their beauty deserves to be celebrated. Kindness should be acknowledged. Care deserves gratitude. And often I bury my overwhelming gratitude because it is not considered "socially appropriate." Yet, the me before boundaries, regularly gave this without thought. When I was 26 years old, I found out that a gal in town despised me. I was so shocked because I didn't even know her. I knew OF her, but I had never had personal interactions with her. So, I began to watch for her downtown and nod with acknowledgement. When that didn't work, I dropped off a gift at her house through a mutual friend with a note apologizing for anything I may have done to offend and hoping an offering of goodwill would suffice. I didn't want another enemy. I wasn't trying to control how someone felt about me. I just wanted to give peace a chance, because that is who I am.

Of course it backfired. She thought I was weird. She told our mutual friend, "Who does that? Who leaves a gift to someone they don't know? What's her angle?" But I stuck to my guns because I knew I did my best. People will judge or perceive you how they view the world. It's not your job to change that. But it is your job to make sure you are acting within your own ethics. I wanted to try for peace. I wanted to acknowledge that she was a beautiful person in her own way, even if we would never be friends. And I knew we wouldn't be because of our personalities. But I wanted to show my acknowledgement of who she was. Do I regret that action? No. Because I know I went into it with thought out intentions and a pure heart. Did I cry later when I found out that I was labelled a freak even though I had to overcome some cowardice to do the action in the first place? Yes I did. It hurt to be so misunderstood. But I came to the conclusion that I understood myself, I knew why I did what I did, and there will be people who don't get it...and that's ok. I am still glad I did it. To me, it's not about the ending, or hopeful resolution (though both are nice bonuses if given), but trying my best, within whom I am, to acknowledge another's existence in peace and gratitude. 

Those situations happened too many times to count in my past. I still give awkward gifts to my Dentist, my Hygienists and basically any professional that helps me. I don't do this to get anything, but instead to show my gratitude for their roles in my life. I sometimes get weird looks. But most of the time, I get astounded shock followed by, "This is exactly what I needed today." My dental receptionist, whom I barely know but has always been so kind to me on the phone, remarked after a gift, "My niece died this week and your gift was the one unexpected bright spot in my week. Thank you. It had me teary in a good way which was a welcome relief."

We don't always get the privilege of knowing how our words of beauty affect others. Sometimes we do not need to know. But we need to give. Gratitude doesn't just serve the one receiving, but also the one giving. When we acknowledge the crucial words, role or love someone has given us with thankfulness, we also see our own growth, our paths, and the love infused around us.

The lack of these words in our lives is a loss. Some of it comes down to laziness. To combat this, I actively try to write a few words of kindness, acknowledgement or beauty back to someone in text, on Instagram posts, or in email as soon as I read. For instance, if someone writes something vulnerable, I hope to validate their bravery. By writing a few words I am essentially saying, "I see you." That matters. Kind comments matter. Every comment I have received on and off my blog, about how my words helped someone, are now part of the fabric of my being. Some are from strangers I will never see or know, yet they are interestingly a part of me. While others are faces I cherish, belong to, and get to love in a tangible way. Both are of value.

As I have practiced boundaries, I have given less in this way. I used to give gifts, send letters, emails and cards all the time. It wasn't bad of me to stop. In fact, I needed to give myself a new phase with practice emphasized on only giving to myself and a few key people. Yet, at the same time, I have missed that girl a bit. The brave one who constantly stepped out of her comfort zone because she saw beauty and wanted to value it by acknowledging it. A girl who cried in her closet when people found her terrifying or weird, but still stuck to her ways of being in the world anyway ,because she knew it was HER beauty and goodness. A girl who was used to people running from her open arms because they didn't know what to do with her love, but she loved anyway. Maybe it was too intense at times. Maybe "socially inappropriate" too, but it was HER truth. 


The quote above was a phrase similar to what my husband used to say to me when I would cry after these experiences. Sometimes he would sway me from sending an email, not because he didn't believe in my words, but because he knew the receiver would be less than perspective taking or kind. He wanted to spare me more grief. But other times, he knew the grief would come but knew I had to honour who I was. He would wait to pick up the pieces and tuck them back into my soul to be used again. What a lovely expression of love. He would tell me that I was one of the only genuine souls he knew. That my Aspie self gave an alien sort of balance to humanity. He encouraged me not to lose this muchness.

On the flip side, I had to learn how to do this in a less scary way...for the most part. People are scared by genuine care because often it is used to mask sinister behaviour. I had to learn to accept this fact. To work around it. Or to sometimes act in spite of it. But over time I became too socially appropriate. I am often more appropriate in conduct, words and deeds than my "normal" friends. I have become that obedient trained puppy, in some regards. While my behaviour now often gets rewarded from the masses, I have lost some of that joy. That unshakable trust and love given has diminished a bit. And I want it back.

I will not be the same person I was years ago. I have learned too much. But it's time to re adjust my own balance. To value those who genuinely care for me and to just be ME when I give back, regardless of what is thought of me. My biggest gift to those I love is often my words in writing. I need to honour that. Be it in a card, text, email, post, comment ect. I have held back for almost a decade. I learned some good lessons. Many of which I will implement and take with me. As an INFJ boundaries will ALWAYS be needed, necessary and hard to balance. But as an Autistic person, it is important for me to also BE whom I am, which IS socially inappropriate. The few who have seen my genuine soul in this regard, like me even more for this part of me. They may laugh sometimes or get a kick of amusement out of my social blunders, but they find it refreshing too. I need BOTH. I AM both.

If you are an INFJ whom has never practiced boundaries, you may need to go the other way. I have spent a better half of a decade in that zone and I don't regret it at all. But now it is time for a new phase. I am unsure how it will look. I will make mistakes. It will be interesting to incorporate the new boundary filled me while unlocking the hidden intense parts of my soul I buried deep in most situations because I wanted to make other people comfortable. There are different situations for the different sides of persona. My children have taught me that we are most worthy of love, being whom we are. Boundaries are accepting that those who can not see that, can walk away. Being genuine requires us to still be that person that we are regardless.

It is such a gift to have someone see you. In words or deeds. As I am writing this numerous faces are flashing through my head. Elementary and High school friends, relatives, far away friends, Internet friends, called to question participants, professionals, frenemies (people who I may not be fond of or they may not be fond of me but we also played a role in each other's decisions by doing so), therapists, neighbours, parents of friends, children of friends... beautiful, unique souls that are all a part of me...and I am intensely grateful. In this circumstance I refuse to tone down my intensity. I am overwhelmed with teary happiness that I have witnessed aspects of these people's lives and they have witnessed mine.

To all of them, and to you, the stranger reading this blog, I acknowledge you. I wish I could have a deep conversation with you. Be it once and short but valuable or an ongoing friendship. I wish I could express my thankfulness to the unique place you have in my fabric of existence. With some, we have had these conversations and will again. With others, the future is waiting in bravery, and some will unfortunately never have an expression other than this.

With Deep, Intense, Genuine Thankfulness for your place in this world and my place in your world;

"Where there is love, I'll be there. I'll reach out my hand to you. I'll have faith in all you do. Just call my name, and I'll be there. I'll be there to comfort you, build my world of dreams around you, I'm so glad that I found you. I will be there with a love that's strong. I will be your strength. I will keep holding on..."


If Tomorrow Never Comes- Garth Brooks: "So tell that someone that you love, Just what you're thinking of, If tomorrow never comes. Cuz I've had loved ones in my life, who never knew how much I loved them. Now I live with the regret that my true feelings for them never were revealed. So I made a promise to myself, to say each day how much they mean to me, and avoid that circumstance where there's no second chance, to tell them how I feel..."


Glee- You have more friends than you know "Those who love you the most may need more time to grow..."

Friday, May 25, 2018

Ferritin Improved on the Whole30 Reset/Our Subsequent Adaptation Changed Our Life! Gratitude and Daily Delights of Energy. For Once in My Life...



On a rainy night recently I decided to clean and do some Paleo baking to add occasionally back into our lifestyle diet change. (My emphasis is on Coconut flour and natural wholesome ingredients.) Our home smelled of lemon and baking. It looked basically as perfect as it can. While each family member had their well deserved breaks, I decided to have the upstairs to myself. I made my daughter's bed with fresh Thieves Oil smelling linens, folded the last laundry load (of seven) and baked while my sparkle mood lighting created tranquillity and soft Steve Tyrell's " Simple Life" played in the background. Then we all went out to listen to the crickets and frogs while we ate a cookie. It was my version of perfection. And it is a day that would have left me in bed for at least three days recovery if I had attempted it a few months ago. Energy truly is a precious resource in life.
*"For once in my life, I have someone who needs me. Someone I needed so long..."

I found a fantastic millet flour chia seed breakfast cookie to add some variety to a meal sometimes. Instead of potatoes or a starch the kids and I are going to bake a few times a week to give us a break on the budget for food since we are not doing rice ect... as a filler and I'm happy with the ingredients. 
I've lost four inches on my belly, which wasn't the point of changing our habits, but I'm happy and hoping it will continue to the size I am most comfortable in. Finally after years of trying different things this seems to be re setting my hormones. My therapist calls Keto or Whole 30 the hormone balancing diet if one can stick to a form of it for a few months. He's sending me for blood work soon as he thinks it's already changed my hormones more than medication! Especially my thyroid and iron levels. Fingers crossed! (The rest of my family lost three inches, 3.5, 2.5 and 2.5 on waists too.) 

"Someone warm like you, would make my dreams come true..."

What is more important than weight though, is the energy infusion I am finally feeling! I finally have the gumption to do activities I have not tried in years. In the last few weeks alone I have gardened, cleaned the entire house without help a few times, re arranged my daughter's room and furniture, planned a tiny renovation, kept up with my exercising, taken several trips to a nearby city for long days, and have finally had the energy to self care a bit more. I am actually CARING about some of my beauty regime again. As in, I have the energy to look into facial care products and actually care for my face at night. The years of exhaustion made their mark but I was too tired to care most nights. Just getting through the days was my ultimate goal. But now I am taking baby steps to actually care for myself and my family in a more energy infused way again. I am not even close to "normal" yet but spinach and protein 3 times a day is a game changer in my life. I wish I would have done a week re set of Whole30 a few months after our first Whole30 a few years back! And I wish I would have stuck 80 percent to eating that way, like we do now. I don't plan on going back to those other foods anytime soon. I feel FANTASTIC compared to before. Which matters to me.

There is a part of me that feels a tad robbed by my exhaustion looking back. For the first time in two years, I have been regularly tucking in the kids at night. Anemia took moments and deflated them. It not only stole the oxygen from my blood but sucked out the colour from daily deeds that I could have savoured. I rarely could do tuck ins because one more step was too much. I know that I tried my best 3/4 of the time to achieve more than what should be expected from someone with that low of oxygen and blood levels. I know I showed up how I could, but I still feel robbed. And I can't find anywhere to put the blame. It could have been worse but it also could have been better. I know that, now, I just have to continue to live the best I can with the energy and body and conditions I have but sometimes looking back ... well looking back is not the way for me to go. But I need to also recognize I have some grief and resentment towards my body and my blood and what that has meant. But overall, my feelings have been joy, gratitude, healing and every day bliss. Which is more valuable to me than the size of my waist. 

*"For once in my life I won't let sorrow hurt me, not like it's hurt me before..."

There are naysayers to any type of diet including Whole30/ Paleo/ Keto but I feel I am proof of results within moderation. My skin has started to clear up. I feel stable all day (no blood sugar dips or exhaustive moments. My husband also remarked he feels the same.) My energy is making a come back. My iron and hormones are still in progress but seem to be re setting slowly. I am getting my life back to doing what I wish to do. Before our Whole30 week re set, I was laying in bed for at least half my day because I just could not function otherwise. Now, after the first week, and adding a few foods back in but keeping the majority of our dietary needs Whole30 approved for the last 40 days, I have yet to be back in bed after I wake up! (Minus during my cycle which still puts me back quite a bit.) I am sleeping by eleven latest with no insomnia (minus cycle insomnia.) I hit the pillows in the evening after a full day of being on my feet!

*"For once I can touch what my heart used to dream of..."


It feels like the world is mine to slowly conquer. I now am getting a taste of what typical people can do in a day and what a gift it is! I am not at normal capacity yet, but this extra energy is a gift. I am focusing anything extra I get on my family and friends when I can. But also self care. Food truly is an important piece of the puzzle. My entire family has had benefits from eating the way we have. Each of them has improved in energy, mood, weight, and spirit.

*"For once I can go where life leads me. Somehow I know I'll be strong."

There comes a moment during most days or nights when I'm overwhelmed with gratitude for what I have. Usually it's when I'm looking at my children or the sparkle light in my room or him next to me. My whole house invokes my gratitude because we crafted it as our own. I felt this way even before I had energy, and I believe that perspective is an important aspect of living, no matter how one feels or struggles. Each inch of our home expresses each of our personalities and our imaginations and hopes and the love surrounding... and that's what fills my heart up. Even if I do have disease or symptoms that rob. I just have to look around my home or yard to see my purpose my beloved my belonging, and inspiration. If I'm honest and there is an afterlife I would want it to be exactly this forever -this house, him, and them for eternity doing what we generally do and I'd seriously be happy. I get sad for my future self often and have to remind myself, if I live that long there will be other beautiful moments, and I can look back knowing without a doubt I cherished what is mine.



This lifestyle diet also brought our family together even more. Each meal prep is done with all of us, cleaning, cutting, soaking vegetables, while hubby makes the meat. We talk while we prepare our nourishing food. It takes time but it's time together so it does not feel like that much of a sacrifice.

*"For once I have something I know won't desert me. I'm not alone anymore."

Despite hardships, I honestly have what I never knew I always wanted (to quote Fools Rush In.) This epic, every ordinary love, is mine. Sometimes it's worse than a movie but most days it exceeds the classics - maybe not to anyone else who would switch places with me but to me and whom I am - it suits. I know I'm lucky. I know it's partially crafted, but partially just what was what, and partially unknowns. It's beauty is a gift I daily treasure and nightly struggle not to panic over losing and remember to just enjoy what is given when it is given (and also attained). It's magically mundane but I could live like this forever and my cup overflows. But with the benefits of energy and clean eating, it is magnified. And also, oddly, a calmer, stable sort of existence. Life feels slightly less urgent but also more fulfilling. Energy is a gift. Nurturing, hormone free meat is a gift. Fresh vegetables, fruits and nature's bounty are worth their weight in gold. They are worth the extra budgeting. Because in the end, the body isn't everything, but it is the vessel we travel in through this life. If it can be improved with changing a few habits, even though at times this is hard, it is worth it all.

*"For once I can say this is mine, you can't take it. As long as I know I have love, I can make it!"


*This song is how I feel right now:




or this version:




or this version:

Sunday, May 6, 2018

Guest Post: The ENFJ Personality Type From the Eyes of a Young Teen


*This is a guest post by my young ENFJ daughter, writing about some of her experiences.* Enjoy!

Some ENFJs might not totally agree with me on this post. There are so many other things that play a part in personality. For instance, I'm a Gemini, an Aspie, and I struggle with OCD Anxiety so all of these things could play into what I write. Just keep that in mind.

The ENFJ personality is Extrovert, Intuitive, Feeling, and Judging. The functional stack can be found HERE.

In my opinion the ENFJ is one of the least talked about personalities. Typically as an ENFJ, I am either focusing on other types, or I want to be nice and listen to other types first. For me, if I bring up my type I feel like I'm being self absorbed or not thinking about the peoples types around me, which I tell myself ''I should be doing.'' 


I always find it funny that on films or media, sometimes nice people are made fun of. Like when we make fun of Canada, Hufflepuff, (both of which I belong to) and in this case the ENFJ. The part that I find even more funny is that we get so exited that we are even mentioned. I don't think this should be. I mean it's fine... every so often, but I would like to be talked about in a real, positive way too. So that's what I'm going to do here. I'm going to put the ENFJ in the spotlight. 

The spotlight is something that the ENFJ likes very much. Definitely not in a bad "self absorbed seeking" way and not for too long... We want others to get complimented and treated nicely too. Adjust that light on me sometimes and I will appreciate you a lot. I will probably even think about you for at least three days. Normally after an interaction like that most Extroverts will be on a high. Yup, I know it's crazy that a few really nice compliments will cause us to be thrilled. Even if we have a 'not so great time' you can bet we'll go home a little more happy then before we saw you.

ENFJs are really caring and will go out of our way to make sure other people are happy. It makes us happy to help people. This can be a good thing but also can be negative. In these moments we won't be thinking about ourselves at all. We don't want to risk somehow making the other person uncomfortable. For example if I'm at someone's house and it's hot - I'm not going to bring it up. I figure if you are overly warm, you would've said something so you must be comfortable. This isn't always the case. If I'm at a house that I feel comfortable in, I might tell you what I'm feeling, but that's only if I'm really suffering or you're my family.

ENFJ's are probably one of the most feeling types. I go through a million emotions a day. (But I am also a teenager.) I would even say that ENFJs are sort of like empaths. My mom is an empath type too but as an INFJ, she is my sister type. We meet in the middle of emotion. ENFJs are very intuitive to other peoples emotions and can almost sense what they are feeling. For me it's a curse and a blessing. Its hard to balance people's feelings and your own. If somebody is crying, it's most likely I'm going to start crying too. My family always jokes that I cry at least once a day which is close to true. I would say I cry every three days. My mom and my INTJ brother barely ever cry and if they do it breaks my heart. If they cry it means they're at a very fragile state. Crying is how I release all the stuff that's bothered me, made me mad, or upset me in some form. Lots of people think this is ridiculous but I'm totally fine crying. After I cry I'll feel better and like I can let go of everything I was upset about before.

I always say if there were a show to go to the ENFJ personality it would be ''Dreamworks' Trolls - The Beat Goes On.'' I know it's a weird show but the values and rules are everything I believe in. When I first watched ''Trolls'' (the movie) I loved it when the Trolls bracelets glowed and they had to stop what they where doing and hug whoever was next to them. Hugs mean a lot to me. I feel like everybody needs hugs.

The song hair in the air (from ''The Beat Goes On'')  is a song that's totally me. These are the lyrics '' Live it up (Hey!) Everyday you wake up singing. Turn it up (Whoo!) the party's just beginning. All together, you and me. Hair in the air, we're family. We got everything we need.''- ''Yeah, we made it through the dark. Harmony is everywhere put your hair up in the air.''- Dreamworks Trolls: The Beat Goes On theme song.

The harmony part of the song is my favourite part. Harmony is an important topic to ENFJs. Disrupting the harmony is something that will annoy the ENFJ. We work very hard to create harmony and keep it as long as possible, so if anyone disrupts it they will be on the bad side of the ENFJ.
Honestly, the bad side of the ENFJ is not that horrible. We will be mad at you but we'll most likely keep it in (unless you are family then you might get glares, yelled at, tears or all of the above). If we do blowup on you, it's likely that we'll say sorry pretty soon after. We put up with quite a bit so if we get mad it's because you have done or said something (that to us) is really unacceptable. Even if we do get mad though we'll try very hard to keep it as under control as we can.

   

This picture above describes the ENFJ very well. I'll start with lively. We love having fun, talking, parties, and more. My friend always jokes that I'm ''always happy." I am when people are around. ENFJs are very alive, out there, and will almost always have a smile on their face. 

Worrier. I've been called this on many occasions. I worry all the time about random things. If I go out and see people I worry if I'm going to say the right  or wrong thing. Even at home I worry I did something bad if someone says my name in a certain way. Its just what I do. 

Optimistic. I am very optimistic if I want to be and I'll try to make other people optimistic too. I mean come on, it feels good to be optimistic. 

Oversensitive. Even just today I've been called oversensitive a few times. For me I'm more sensitive to tone. So if someone says something that to me sounds harsh I will feel upset. I admit I do have to work on it a bit. ENFJ themselves will mock this trait. But it is something that makes us who we are and we shouldn't be ashamed of it. 


Now I'm going to go over the ''unhealthy'' ENFJ. When we are unhealthy we will be very hard on ourselves and almost no one can get us out of our slump. This (as Personality Hacker describes) is the Three Year Old process witch is Accuracy. We want to be so accurate that we will think we aren't doing good enough. Another thing I learned from personality hacker is that it's also unhealthy if your Driver (Harmony) goes to your Ten year old process (Sensation) for advice. I don't know too much about this but if you want to learn more you could listen to Personality Hacker podcasts. Click HERE.  to listen to the loops that certain personalities can get stuck in.



CLICK HERE for a list of famous ENFJs online. Here's a list of the people who I think are ENFJs or I saw online that I thought were interesting:
Emma Watson (Actress, Feminist), Emma Stone (Actress), Julia Andrews (Actress), Jennifer Lawrence (Actress), Oprah Winfrey (Talk host, Self Help), Helena Bonham Carter (Actress), Faramir (Lord of the Rings), Bofer (The Hobbit), Peeta Mellark (The Hunger Games), Snow White (Once Upon A Time), Uncle Iroh and Katara (Avatar the Last Airbender), Asami (Legend of Kora), Poppy (Dreamworks Trolls), Lilly Potter and Cedric Digory (Harry Potter), Katy Perry (Singer), Sara Bareilles (Singer), Barack Obama (Former President of the United States), Leslie Knope (Parks and Recreation). For bad guys there's not much (because, hey, we are pretty much angels.:) but there are some things that are saying that Loki (Marvel) is an ENFJ or INFJ and Hans from frozen. 
If you have any questions as to why these characters are ENFJs or any questions about the ENFJ then just leave a comment and I'll try my best to answer them.


There is so much more that makes up the ENFJ. We are special and unique in our own way. I hope this gave you a little bit more knowledge on the ENFJ. If you want to know more on the ENFJ there are links at the bottom of this post that will take you to articles that will give more info. 
Thanks So Much for Reading!!                                                                     

cursive-fonts
https://personalitygrowth.com/the-thing-that-makes-each-personality-type-unique/
https://www.personalityclub.com/blog/famous-enfj/
https://personalitygrowth.com/heres-why-we-believe-that-enfjs-are-actually-superheroes/
https://www.psychologyjunkie.com/2017/03/17/understanding-enfj-feeling/
https://www.psychologyjunkie.com/2017/07/18/10-things-never-say-enfj/
https://personalitygrowth.com/what-each-personality-type-is-like-at-their-best/
https://personalitygrowth.com/what-makes-each-personality-type-angry/
https://personalitygrowth.com/something-profound-that-we-can-learn-from-each-personality-type/

Song Choices: Unique- Lenka, Hair in the Air- Trolls Theme  Here is a song for ENFJs. WE ARE UNIQUE!


This is the song that I wrote lyrics to up above. ENJOY!