Sunday, December 21, 2014

Musings On Solstice And Autism (yea I am weirdly tying them in together)




I prefer to think of Winter Solstice as Mid Winter up here in Canada...and not the beginning of Winter as it is said to be. Starting tomorrow days get a little brighter, and Christmas with it's sparkles and joy (on good years anyway) is just a few days away. If one suffers from SAD, this tends to be the time, that hope is seen around the corner. Weather is regional anyway, so I do not judge my weather by the supposed "official" seasonal times of the year. However, I do love Solstice. If we were to have had another girl, Solstice would have been her middle name. Despite how hippie that sounds, it brings meaning... Meaning of beginnings, of beautiful endings, darkness and light, and of the rhythm and flow of life.

Yesterday, I was having a dreary day so I decided to make something of it. I mustered up the strength to fill the house with the smell of cinnamon and baking. At first it wasn't too fun but eventually my mind was triggered and a feeling of safe, childhood feelings was evoked. I cleaned the house to innocent Christmas songs of peace and helping the world at large. The Christmas tree was glimmering and I forced myself to sit in front of it, inhale deep breaths of the spiced air, and stare at the lights the way I used to when I was little. After a few minutes, my forced reverie turned into a natural state of wonder. For a fleeting moment I had to remind myself I was not wasting time, but only for a fleeting moment, because my practical side does not often win when my childlike joy of beauty is in competition (probably because I tend to live in my practical logical way of Being more- but that childlike wonder is STRONG when it does show up.) I don't know how long I savoured this moment, it felt like forever and also like an instant...a very good sign that I just WAS, and in BEING I AM.  The lights shimmered and my soul sighed. Yes, there are bad events, life will bring my own share to my door and has in the past, but there is also the good. The good of simply forcing yourself to BE in a moment, and in BEING suddenly you ARE. Any Solstice reminds me of this. We do not mark them with huge events, but we make sure to have a form of light purposefully set (a fire, candles, the fireplace) and to take some time to BE in whatever state we ARE.

I felt my child self at five, sitting in wonder, care free to the worries of the world, and enjoying the fact that I could stare at a tree for hours and not be told that I was wasting my time. Peace is for everyone, if only for an instant. Crimson is in the embers, bells are tinkling, and the snow outside is melting ( a refreshing change from our LONG blustery winter last year.)

I have two sides to myself...most Autistic people would describe themselves as a Paradox. Part of my brain is logical, practical, reasonable, assessing and in tune with continual new concepts...it is open to constant evolution. It's the side that is often shown to myself on a daily basis but is hidden when I am uncomfortable or not accepted. I can come across quite ditzy when my brain is actually a phenomenon. A metaphor for those who do not understand would be similar to Sheldon on the Big Bang Theory (except a lot more complicated and less straightforward.) Half of my brain really relates to Sheldon. But the other side of my brain is mystical, childlike, overwhelmed with sensory data, the source of my clumsiness and inability to feed myself, and the place that causes me to automatically clap and squeal when I am filled with joy. I could not stop this part of myself if I wanted to. Perhaps it comes out a little less in the daily but it shocks me how often it shows up in  unsuspecting moments. 

It's the reason why I still cry at the song "Where are you Christmas?" or why I look forward to the Muppet Family Christmas EVERY year. It's the part of my brain that forces my logical side to step aside for a moment and to STOP assessing, stop reasoning, and for heaven sake stop criticizing every philosophy or thought or perspective from each angle and just ENJOY. While I do believe there are certain gifts that come from being able to step outside boxes, think from another person's perspective (even the craziest person or the seemingly most mundane) or critiquing philosophy or religion, sometimes it can get a tad exhausting. There are times when I find it wearing to be the one who has to rise yet again to put myself in the other's place to extend grace, and find that they can not replicate back in quite the same way. There are times when it is slightly jading to be able to say in my mind, "I have already been through that transition that you at 60 are going through and it happened to me at fourteen." It may sound pompous but it's just a fact, a fact that leaves one a little more alone if not in the company of those who share this brain state, and a little bit misplaced. It's also disheartening because it can not be shared or stated unless in the company of others who KNOW because people just take it as attitude, judgement or haughtiness. Most do not see this as genuine. They also get  confused by the juxtaposing paradox. Who could really be truly like that? It seems to conflicting, but I know it to be my truth. There are perks to having a paradoxical way of being and some of them are quite enlightening.

My point is, that my childlike side that also can seem to the world like the "worst" part of Autism can actually be quite a gift. Sure, being subject to sensory overload can be painful at times, but it also opens my eyes and triggers my brain to the state of a child. Like the Solstice, there is dark before light, and there is a transition time. There is a moment when all that is needed is a shift. Yes, being clumsy from executive functioning issues has it's downsides, but it also forces me to stay humble...willing to take help where most 31 year old women do not need help. Not knowing left from right or not being able to wade through verbal instructions forces me to compensate creatively to get through the daily. It's not all sparkles and Christmas lights, but it has it's moments or CAN if I choose to see life that way. This is where hope comes in. Hope is found where BEING is. Hope is found in ACCEPTANCE and LOVE. It is found in the darkest of places where light is needed. Hope is an ending needed for another beginning.

This is where Solstice hits my heart. It's a reminder brought in by the earth that I am enough, I am what I am, and there is beauty and brutality in BEING. Life is here now and I must rise to that.


Wishing you the beauty of sacred beginnings and necessary endings on this Winter's night with you.

Disclaimer: I am not literally saying Autistics have divided brains NOR am I actually explaining the scientific theories behind Autism but I am describing SOME of the general consensus among my Autistic friends and I about how being in our brain feels...and the general feelings I have about myself and how it feels to me in simple terms.



This song is my Winter Solstice song and evokes all the emotion beautifully in it's imaginative, descriptive and romantic lyrics:https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UV4F2yfEt9o




*To see more thoughts on Autism/ Aspieness click on the Autism/Asperger's label below...there are posts on  Creating Autistic Safe HavensAspie motherhoodFeeling Younger While Getting Older, The Consequences of Growing an Aspie up to realityGender Bias in PsychologyFamous People speculated to Have AutismHurtful Misconceptions about VaccinationsWhat Autism Means to MeGuest Post from Samantha Croft on Aspie Communication, Disclosing AutismAutism Positivity/ Autistic Healers FlashblogSensory Autism experiences at the ZooAutism DOES NOT cause ViolenceDealing with and Understanding Meltdowns Autistics Don't Need Your Awareness and Other Crucial Links Doesn't Everyone Have a Little Autism in them? (And other Wounding Statements Addressed)

Monday, July 7, 2014

Dealing with and Understanding Meltdowns *Link* Being an Autistic Parent to an Autistic Child

Update 2021: This was the last meltdown my child ever had...Years later, he is my most responsible, easiest child and sometimes I wonder if these stories were a dream...He put in the work and being at home was the best thing for him.



One of my children is particularly verbal. He has been since month nine of his existence. Sometimes because of this factor, he seems more able and wise beyond years at times.  An old soul. But in life there is always a double side, and with this verbal prowess comes the tendency for people to assume he can handle more than he  can at his age. Myself included sometimes.

They may sound old, but he has the same struggles I do, in varied ways. I try to remember that his pre frontal cortex is still developing at his age, so even if he sounds like a grown up, he may still struggle with accessing his reasoning side of their brain in a more grown up way. He thinks because his arguments sound good, that he must be mature...yet he is not old enough to constantly remember to put relationships BEFORE issues, with important people in their life.

His magnificent ability with words can both heal and wound. Unfortunately, because of age, meltdown mode, sensory issues, and OCD anxiety, he can sometimes be brutally raw and sometimes cruel. He can cut to the heart of the matter and see things in people they do not see in themselves. But the delivery does not have the maturity of restraint. He knows he owns partial truths but does not realize yet that there is always another aspect of the equation which is why after a meltdown we have a "therapy session", once calm, to promote growth in this area.

To date, this has been the toughest year of his young life. He may be a quicker processor in some things, but emotions take more sorting out. Chaos is not welcomed and creates distress in his brain. I understand this because it's my life story too. I am constantly applying understanding of my brain to his brain. However, even being an Autistic myself, and applying this knowledge, we end up mis communicating. He has had the toughest time with me this year. Partially because I am a safe source to act out against. A mother's love and all that.

Last week we had a breakthrough. It was after a yogourt container was thrown across the room when he was mad at a trivial change in plans, and it exploded all over the kitchen. The meltdown was beyond control at that point so there was screaming, hurtful words thrown all over anyone who was in the room, and finally a running down the stairs and slamming the door with the sound of the lock click as I followed quickly behind to make sure he was  safe. The screaming probably disturbed the neighbours this time...For myself this is also very hard because screaming insults my sensory needs as an Autistic. A normal mom would be bothered but for myself, it triggers my crisis center and it takes all my self control not to meltdown myself. In the past, I will admit, that there have been about four times when I have started to simply cry or plug my ears and yell over the noise for him to go to a safe place to scream. Generally, I try to keep it together until after but my face flushes and my heart rate is high.

This time I was extremely distressed. I called my husband at work because often my son will not come out for hours and may spend them all screaming. My husband and sometimes mother are often the only ones who can cut this time down. I can't. Maybe because I understand and also partially because my mother and husband are NOT autistic so they come to the situation with another perspective. Sometimes I need to do damage control for some expectations of behaviour I know can not be met during meltdown that are expected from non autistic individuals. I have to mediate, but generally, because of my education, they understand him too and mostly are in tune with what he requires in these moments.

My husband was unavailable so I was on my own. I took a few deep breathes, stopped my teary eyes from thinking about the words that were spoken to my soul, and reminded myself that I was the adult with a bit more regulation. I knocked on the door and said loudly over his noise, "Once you feel more in control after melting down, you must unlock this door and once you get to a point of calm we need to talk." Later, I came back to a calmer guy. He surprised me by unlocking the door right away and running to the bed to put his head under the covers. This was a big step that I did not have to wait for my husband to force the lock. I sat down and said calmly, " I understand that you were triggered into meltdown. You were distressed about the small change in plans and I should have seen the signs that this would bother you more today. However, while I understand your behaviour, I also am unfortunately both your teacher and parent. Some behaviours you would be expected to learn at school are skipped at home. I need you to learn some regulation for not just others safety but for your own. I know you can understand what I am about to say but I want you to ask any questions if you do not. Here is the deal. In grown up life, our goal is to enable you to have a safe life the way you wish to live it. But in grown up life, if you are working and you break something, you have to offer to pay for it and clean it up. If you have a meltdown you need to get to yourself to a safe private place, allow yourself 15 minutes of unregulated emotion in that place, but then take responsibility if there was missed work or any damaging words said during your meltdown phase. One you can not help, the others you can."

At that point he said, "I know, I already thought to offer to pay for the yogourt." I replied with, "Good. I am proud of you for that. And it was a full container. It can come out of your allowance because this is an important lesson to remember. You will also be cleaning it up though your sibling cleaned up most whilst crying. The things that were said to both me and your siblings were not exactly kind. I know you didn't mean half of them and some of them were probably half true, but the delivery needs work. On top of the natural consequences of life, where as you make a mess, even accidental, you are required to offer to pay for it and clean it up even if the other person let's you off the hook - you still offer, but besides those consequences, here is the deal- you used an object and just missed your sibling. You grabbed the closest thing in front of you. What if that would have been a hammer or a knife or some sort of weapon? In your haste you could have done something that you would forever regret. I know you. I know you have one of the sweetest hearts in the world but you need to learn regulation. There are people in the justice system or jails that do not deserve to be there. That did nothing out of malicious intent but out of lack of control. I know you would never suit a place like that- it would kill your soul. Part of my job is to teach you how to regulate enough to be able to avoid situations like that. Unfortunately, the world is full of small minded people with enough power to make your life a living hell. You need to keep your inner circle safe. I'm not saying this to scare you but because I think you are wise enough to realize that as you get older, you will need to be aware of your emotions and control if you can. I am not saying you have to stop melting down. I still meltdown. I am saying you have to learn safer ways or places of doing this."

He replied with sobs breathing of, "That makes sense I guess. I was soooo upset. I still am."

"I know honey. Some of that was my fault for not preparing you with the change of schedules. I am SOOOO proud of you for unlocking this door and letting me talk to you so soon after you were upset. This shows how your regulation is actually a source you can use. More than the physical, you also used the emotional and said things that maybe should not have been said. Hurtful borderline cruel things because of a change in schedule. I understand that this was more than a change in schedule to you. I understand this year has been so hard on your little soul and you are still processing...but we also, if we can manage to understand this much, have to understand or at least be aware of what words can do. Words can heal or hurt. It's ok to use them to wound sometimes. It's also ok to be human and make mistakes. Words sometimes will cause a change that is good even if they hurt at first. If you are in a meltdown, it is imperative that you listen to a trusted source to move into a bathroom or a private place of safety to finish melting down...or if you sense one coming, as you get older, you can maybe try to do this for yourself. Because of the hurtful things that were said and how you feel bad about yourself currently, I want you to write three letters to three different people. Anyone you wish with any subject you wish. They can be as short as two sentences. I would prefer them to be towards someone you think may need some encouragement or gratitude but if you can't think of that, even your siblings are fine. I will give you a full week to do this but I want you to see the power of your words when they are also used for good. I think it will make you feel good as well as others."

"The thing is sweetie that you have a writer's soul. You are not a bad person. You are not even fully in the wrong here. You basically just have a little bit to learn...as do we all. Heck, sometimes I respond completely wrong. My regulation after thirty plus years and 12 years of therapy still isn't up to speed at times! SO you are actually doing pretty good! But this is a situation, as not only your mom but your teacher, that I am required to somewhat address. And you know what I think? I think it is neither good nor bad but neutral. I think you have a writer's rebellious soul! Which means that you can be a great change maker or a creative thinker or a natural society challenger. Your words can end up making the world a better or easier place for someone out there. And also yourself. The first thing a writer changes is themselves. Writing is healing for those who have it as their gift. I have seen your lyrics- they are better than some I have heard on the radio and you are less than half the age of those writers. You can cut to the heart of the matter if you wish. So in this regard, I look at the words you just yelled at all of us upstairs, and I see a lot of creativity, some truth and a bit of exaggeration. Not in a bad way per se. Your exaggeration was true to your heightened experience at that time. It was your truth but you need to remember it may not be your audiences' truth. I was hurt. So were your siblings but we also know deep down that you didn't mean all of it or your delivery of it and we are ready to move on. Now, I have given way too much information for your developing brain to chew on so I will give you half an hour of quiet time before I require you to come finish cleaning up the yogourt...if it dries it will just require more water....see you in a bit and I love who you are."

Then I went to my room, took some stabilizing breaths and let a couple tears fall. I can not touch him even for a light hug, when he is in these moods. It would feel like an intrusion. He will hug me usually hours later. I have to wait for him but as a mom, sometimes that is hard.

I wish I could say the next day went a lot better because of our conversation. The rest of the day went well. He did remember aspects of our conversation. But it has been two weeks since that meltdown and though they have been less violent, we have had every day incidences since. However, I see that he is wearing winter socks, pants and sweaters in plus 25 Celsius heat. This tells me that he is in a OCD anxiety phase. Everything feels like a threat to him. He is on high alert. Most days I let the meltdowns take their course and carry on. I also sometimes ignore them when I am terribly tired. I am not mother of the year.

The other night I was wracking my brain trying to figure out what I was missing...I still felt like him and I were mis-communicating on some crucial level. Then I read THIS and felt a shock at, " I feel their frustration at being expected to conform to a standard of normality that is unattainable. I get that they are tired of trying to communicate and being unheard day in and day out over and over again. I know that it is soul destroying to be forced to comply with instructions you don’t understand the reason for or the actual steps that need to be taken in order to comply. See, the reason autistic kids are seen to be a problem is that they don’t comply. They can’t comply."

Oh my word!!! Was I being like all the people who have misunderstood me??? Was I suddenly akin to the teachers in this regard to my own child? Was I expecting a level of conformity that may be unattainable? Is he communicating and being unheard? AM I HEARING HIM?  This made me pause for quite awhile and triggered a memory of a four part post I had read from Musings of an Aspie on Executive Functioning. I went straight to the article and read all four parts ( FOUND HERE.) Then I read it to him.

This is when we had the major breakthrough. I realized that the areas I mainly struggle in Executive Functioning are generally stronger areas for him like Memory, Planning, Organization and Attention. But the areas I am generally stronger in are weaker areas for him like Inhibition, Problem Solving, Cognitive Flexibility and Monitoring. Of course we will both struggle in all of them depending on how uncomfortable we are in a situation. At home, where we feel safest, we will have our strength areas.

 For some reason, because he is so good at planning and organization I missed that their executive functioning was misfiring. I assumed he was just better in this area than I. Add the INTJ personality type into it, which is good at planning and organization but quite rigid in beliefs and thoughts even if it is a intellectual and researching brain mode, and we had a recipe for extreme inability for flexibility...especially at his age level. Finally, we found another layer to the issue. He understood most of the four parts of executive functioning and we had a great conversation about the material.  A few days later he melted down at another change in plans but it was a small meltdown. I was able to actually say, "Look I'm sorry. Remember that EF article? Remember that my weaker areas are planning and organization? I am not going to be the stability you crave in schedules. I try because I am the adult and your mom and a teacher...but I'm also HUMAN. That means I will make mistakes that WILL affect you. I am sorry this affects you so much. It's an area I work on but it's also a disability which means that I will NEVER fully get it and should not be expected to. I will try where I can try and that's all I can promise you. You need to have grace for me and I need to have grace for you. I'm sorry. Also add my INFJ bohemian personality type and I WILL rub you wrong in this area at times, but I am also a good match for you if we can work together. We both have opposite areas of strength and weaknesses but we are also perspective taking personalities. This is where we both agree. We are future orientated and enjoy literature and wisdom. IF we focus on what we DO agree on and try to work with what we don't and allow for each other's disabilities, do you think we can find a way to navigate at least maybe two days a week in peace?"

He was quiet during my whole monologue. I am lucky my kids sit through and understand most of my long communications. I also do not talk to them on a child level so I am also lucky that they try to understand some of the words I use. He responded with a hug. A HUG! I tried not to weep or make a big deal of it. I tightly hugged him back then let him go with a light smile and, "Ok, since I changed the day what is one activity you can't live without? What made you upset? Let's see if we can work it in somehow and meet in the middle..."

 Being an Autistic parent to an Autistic child or children in my case, though there are massive differences in gender, personality ect., can be both easier because of understanding and tougher because of the same understanding. I think in general it gives me an advantage with my children, but there are times when, if I am in sensory overload or EF fail myself, that it requires even more for me than I can sometimes give. Every night I go to bed thinking of how I can do better or where I went wrong. I am learning to let this go and remind myself the same thoughts that I told my son...I am HUMAN. I am not Wonder Woman, no matter how much I desire to be so. I am not and should not expect levels of perfection from myself or from anyone else. It starts inside. It starts with my willingness to accept my own disabilities and flaws and normal human frailties....and then I can go on to celebrate my strengths, my beautiful messiness and my gorgeous quirky moments. This is always what I end up going to sleep with. Then I wake up and try all over again.

Oh and here are the beautiful notes we ended up with that he brought up without any help.  He is behind  on the actual physical act of writing on paper (dysgraphia) but typing on the computer he can sound like an adult with their Lyrics which unfortunately I am not allowed to share but here are the notes. He picked three adults that had a tough year too. Auntie D has stage 4 cancer- she wept when my mother sent her a picture of the card and said " Mom told me to look at my iPad cause I haven't been on.. brucie and I are weeping! You tell auntie Donna is fighting hard and that is is the most beautiful card I ever got in my life! And tell him  it has lifted my heart and soul to the heavens 💝💖💞🌹💕❤️💜🌺Tell all 3 how very much I love them".  I told him to enjoy the beauty the words created in another person. Grampy just lost his wife last year. Nanna's sister and mother got diagnosed with cancer. He came up with thinking of each of them. I also did not correct any spelling or grammar mistakes because this was about heart this time and he wished to be alone to write without any guidance.:
Above: "Dear Nanna; Thank you for buying us groceries and letting us sleep over at your house. You are the best Nana I could ask for. I hope you are doing Ok. Love "

"Dear Auntie Donna: I love you Auntie Donna. You're such a fighter. I hope I become just as much of a fighter when I grow up. You are such a good example to be strong. Love ."



"Dear Grampy: I love you Grampy. You are such a brave and strong person. Especially considering the last year. I love the suppers we have shared through the last months and the board games we play. I love you Grampy and I hope the next few years are easier. Love ."

I was misty eyed reading them. This child, like all children, is so complex, layered and beautiful. I am honoured to help guide when I can and witness what I am here to witness.

Through out life, those with differing brain wiring or genetic composition, have to assimilate for the majority. Some issues simply need more awareness, preparedness and understanding. Take meltdowns...

I have been accused as manipulative, bossy, controlling or harshly grumpy when I was simply in the throes of a genuine meltdown and doing quite well considering. I also can come across quite witchy when overwhelmed. The following link impressively covered every kind of meltdown and the reasoning behind the brain’s reactions without boxing anyone up.

He bawls his eyes out often thinking he is a mean person…when he is the nicest, truest, purest heart I know…he just has lots of meltdowns and is still learning about himself. This link is VERY important to read for engaging with anyone who is Neurodiverse. Meltdowns tend to happen with differing genetic conditions and different brain wiring too:


Highlights taken from the above link at inneraspie:
"I can list a few different general types, and triggers so that you might be able to gather some info from here to possibly compare to your own situation. One thing that I heard once from a behavior specialist is that a meltdown is like a seizure in that you cannot stop one once it's started. You can make one worse, and you can prolong it's effects, but once the brain has reached that tipping point it is over. You can't unspill the overload, which is is to me what a meltdown is. It is an acute reaction to too much happening all at once, in which the brain has no way to cope, or contain. The excess must go somewhere. From what I can gather there are three main categories of meltdowns. Sensory, Executive functioning mishaps, and Emotional."
***
"Sensory: This is probably the most common. A meltdown caused by too much sensory input can be sudden, and out of no where, or look like a pot slowly about to boil over. A noise that barely bothered the person last week suddenly seems to push them over the edge this week leaving everyone confused, at best, and accusatory (as in viewing the autistic person as if their reaction is geared towards manipulation) at worst. "
***
"There's so many factors that play into this type of overload that it is hard to even catch it all here in this paragraph. There are some noises, and sensations that always overload some of us, and there are some that we can tolerate if we are having a good day. There are some that we can tolerate for awhile on a good day, and some we can tolerate alone, but not mixed in combination of other sensations. Sleep, hunger levels, and something as simple as one tiny routine change, or confusing social encounter that day may all lead up to usually tolerable sensory experience being intolerable...The autistic person needs to trust that you will keep them safe, and that includes their sensory system."
***
 " He is 12 now, and is pretty good at dealing with surprises, and typically is more flexible than I am at handling routine changes.I must note, I was brought up in a chaotic environment where no consideration to my need for sameness was ever given. Any upset that I may have expressed over wanting something to be the same, and planned out was viewed by my parents as manipulation, and they would purposely withhold whatever it was I was requesting to show me I 'wasn't the boss'. I cannot explain how much damage this did to me anxiety wise. Please, don't do this."
***
"If you are with an autistic person when their routine suddenly changes be calm. Don't try to explain to us how we're being unreasonable if we begin to get upset. Calmly, and kindly let us know what our options are. How can we proceed? We need to know that, and sometimes need a minute to process it all. Try to warn us of any changes way ahead of time. Respect that it is hard for us to process change at last minute."
***
"Also, please be as consistent as you can..... Odd as it sounds, too much happy can also cause meltdown, too. It is an emotion after all, and too much of it at once can be too overwhelming for us at to process. I find this kind of positive overload to trigger a meltdown that occurs after the event that made the autistic person so elated, happy, or joyful."
***

I also have another child who is autistic but they are pretty much a mellower version of me. They also have a natural ENFJ Mother Teresa sort of personality so they end up being probably the more stable presence in the household on most days. They also fall through the cracks sometimes because they are the most balanced. My point in mentioning this is to show that each situation is unique and sometimes parenting an Autistic child is easier, depending on all the varied factors. The ENFJ struggles are more involved in severe anxiety issues and feeling a general sense of "nerdy quirkiness" in the outer world, but they feel completely comfortable at home, with me, which makes life at home infinitely easier.

Birth order also plays a part as well as gender. There are MANY factors that play into all of this. I also could write another post about being a Dyspraxic parent to a Dyspraxic child which is a whole other ballgame. I find it something I can handle on most days, oddly, because Dyspraxia is actually more of struggle for me in the day to day disabilities. It is also probably because our dyspraxic child is a marshmallow of kindness, so it may be easier for me to help out? (Another post for another time.) I also want to state I adore ALL my children. I like parenting most days and unschooling for the most part. But sometimes it gets to be a little much. I DO have autistic traits and I DO struggle in varied ways...and I hope this can help in some way...And yes those dark circles have three layers of make up and are still showing...

How I deal with My Meltdowns Of Self and my Child:
When my hubby didn't answer my phone calls at first, when my son was melting down, I ended up ranting a text message to Hubby about single parenting most of the year and how I am literally going to break into pieces of a fragmented self. Yes, he tends to chuckle at these texts with me in hindsight later but at the time I am very serious about quitting my entire life and becoming an Ostrich. Apparently, I am funny when I am distressed. Part of it is a coping mechanism. But yes, you heard right, I said an Ostrich. I will often picture myself as an Ostrich, imagining the joyous bliss of burying my head in warm, enveloping sand. Writing it out, I realize it's actually not that comforting of an image. Things I hold on to for years can seem different when I write them out, and suddenly I am realizing that this being an Ostrich is actually not appealing at all. I didn't think the Ostrich theory through... Ok, the feelings I had when thinking of being an Ostrich are probably similar to picturing oneself in a cocoon of quick safety, able to escape the world at large with a quick action.  I've got it! A HOBBIT! It's not an animal but it's not exactly human either. Yes, that is way better. I will picture myself a Hobbit, shutting myself into my Hobbit hole and bolting the bright yellow door, sitting by the fire and eating bits of yummy cheese, fruit and meat while sipping on comforting tea. That feeling right there is what I felt also when I was an Ostrich. That borrowing under ground sort of thing which a Hobbit does nicely at conveying. 

I quickly rubbed my eyes, took a few deep breathes and did what I do when I am not safe enough to meltdown in places- I go into trauma emergency mode. I shut off. I shut down. I tell myself that I will process and feel the emotions later but that my child requires my unemotional attention. This means that later I am going to be a mess, but for the time being I am the perfect little robot. I can pretend to be in good humour, I can smile even though it doesn't reach my soul, and most importantly, I can get through the motions. Once I put on this pretend body armour of metal technology on, I walk into the room and press parent mode on my inner psyche. 

Next, I monologue. Monologuing is an important part of this equation because when I monologue I am in writing mode. My children know not to interrupt mommy when she is writing or monologuing. If I am going to be harsher, it will be when I am interrupted in these two activities. Why? Because I am in FLOW, I am getting words and thoughts out that I normally have trouble expressing. The words that get stuck for days, that I know I am feeling but can't fully explain until the computer is in front of me, or I am in a verbal monologue flow triggered by some great insight, are suddenly there and I need to get them out. 

This monologue ish way of mine serves me well in crisis situations with my children when I am expected to have a game plan. I have NO IDEA what the game plan is going into a situation. I did not know I was going to give my son three letters to write until I was halfway through my monologue about the situation. It's kind of like the Internet. I am talking but I am accessing all the stored information in my brain pertinent to the situation. In this case it was parenting books I had read, triggers from posts about autism, stuff I have written, and general movies I have emulated that all came together to focus me on what I wished to convey. I am often proud of myself after these moments because I DO tend to randomly parent effectively.

Unfortunately, this isn't always the case. If I get interrupted or if I'm over tired or sick, I can't monologue. Which means, I will not be effective at communicating what needs to happen... Sometimes my children will literally be dealt with a FULL WEEK after an incident. Once I have processed effectively, come up with a plan and maybe been triggered into thinking about the incident again, I will seemingly out of nowhere suddenly "deal" with the situation. This causes some confusion though they say they are used to mommy's random musings, lectures, and out of the moment game plans. There is usually a collective "Uh Oh" when I utter the words, "Here is the deal..."

Yesterday there was another incident. I ended up actually sliding my child across the floor in their slippery socks, by force to my mother's room. I was lucky we were there and also that the floor was slick hardwood because my child is WAY stronger than me. I was DONE. I had done a favour for said child, and they were mad because I brought a book, just in case they wanted to read, from our house while they were being looked after. The book was thrown across the floor with, "I told you NOT to bring my book. I told you I am not going to read. Now I am not going to read that book EVER again. You are a horrible parent. You don't listen..." rant, rant, rant. I was tired. I was on my way out the door to spend the day with my husband and ENFJ child in another city. So, after squelching my great urge to smack the child- which I NEVER do by the way, but I have to be honest and say that the thought does seem tempting at times, I firmly said, "Ok let's go talk to Nanna. I can't handle this today." To which the child fought me so I dragged them by their sleeves across the floor to the room because my mother was not responding to my calls. Yup, not my best moment. The child was not hurt and in another circumstance they probably would have had fun sliding across the floor in socked feet. 

My mother mediated right away and immediately my child stopped physically fighting me, but the defiance was a whole other matter.  She explained that they were not the boss. Something I am uncomfortable with as I don't like being the boss or pulling any authority cards in general. I am a guide as a parent but I like to give my children freedom and equality whenever I can. Probably why my child thinks they do run the house...downsides and benefits to everything I suppose. SO I cringed at that statement but let her go on. The child interrupted with, "I said NO to her before. I said NO. She should have listened. It is MY book and MY brain and I don't want to read." To which my mother replied, "Sometimes parents get to choose activities for you that they know you will benefit from. I asked your mother to go home and get the book for you to have just in case. She went out of her way to grab it and it's simply an option. You should tell her thank you and let her go. You also need to say sorry for what you have said to her..." The discussion went on for ten minutes and blatant refusals to say sorry. I ended up leaving because I was fighting back tears and the child was clearly not in a mood to communicate. I left them in my mother's capable hands, muttered the obligatory leaving the house to go on the road, 'I love you,' and left.

My mom's texting conversation lasted the first ten minutes of the drive, and then my ENFJ child and husband had to hear my monologue for the last 45 minutes. That is how long I took to begin to "normalize" and not be in a heightened state of emotion. An HOUR. Even then, it takes all my self control to stuff it when my other child says, "Ok mom. It's time to move on. He is not here. Let's enjoy our day and you can think about it later." Point taken.

Here is a snippet of my mother's texts:
Me: I've fantasized about boarding school so much lately. He breaks down to me every day. Every day since January. 
Mom/ S:
You've had good days too.  Remember when it's hard that you are seeing things through your autistic eyes and it seems it's always hard.Those are the times when you forget all the positive and good.Boarding school would break him. He is ok with you too.This will pass and you will get through it.  However, it is also why you need breaks sometimes. Those times can even be Hubby taking the time when he's home to be with and talk to him about growing up, respecting  mom and women in general, respecting those in authority, etc. all while spending time doing something with him. Sometimes with the other kids but sometimes one on one.. at a difficult age, starting to become a grown up yet still a child. Changes in body, emotions, etc. Those all affect more because of the autism.  You will get through this. You can do this. And you are doing this. Sometimes you may not always respond in the best way but overall, you're doing it with grace and beauty. You have a lot of that, you just forget sometimes when you're overwhelmed.

Remember, you are a great mom, you're doing a good job and you're entitled to times of frustration and breaks away.  You need that. All of us moms have times when we wish we had responded differently or we wish we could take back some words we allowed to escape but the good thing is that we are human. We recognize that we don't always have all the answers but we plod on doing the best we can. With you, the best you can is a pretty darn good job. So take a deep breath, enjoy your time away knowing he is safe, you can relax and you don't even have to think about the issues that arise. You just have you time. What I meant to say was the good thing is our kids are pretty forgiving, they're not as fragile as we think and it doesn't hurt them to have time away.  It also doesn't hurt them to see how their words and actions can hurt and frustrate their parents and others as well.  That's how they learn."

Her support helped the situation but I needed more processing time. That night, after a long day, he came up the stairs and apologized for being unkind. Then he started arguing with me again about why he was right and I smiled and said, "Let's just drop it for now. I'm sure you have points but that would defeat the moment of peace right now. I actually was just bringing it as an option and not requiring you to read it but for you it's about the fact that I dared to bring it out of the house at all. It's bed time kiddo. I love you and you are special."

And then I stayed up till four in the morning stressing about life. You think I'd just take the apology and sleep peacefully but NOPE. I don't know how to be a mom anymore to one of my children. Sometimes I don't even know how to be a person. Actually, generally I feel I don't know how to person properly. I can't sleep or eat right, talk appropriately or posture correctly nor do I express normally or act accordingly or normalize to the masses. Some days I celebrate this alien status. At nights I tend to torture myself with them. But really, I know when I feel empty that I'm fighting burn out, sleep depravity or depression ... and I fight every day for perspective that I think I'm good at and also gratitude but that doesn't change the fact that on some days or nights ... I don't know how to be a person ...

2021 UPDATE: I ended this post with more questions then answers. That was my son's last major meltdown with the yugort container, and while he had many more mini ones, and still has a few little meltdowns, he is the easiest teenager EVER. He is polite, kind, empathetic, generous, responsible and is the first to offer to do extra chores or get his school work done. He is conscientious of his words and even when he is upset, he knows when he needs alone time or to take a step back. At the time of writing this, I did not know if how I parented was working but it clearly did. I am glad I put in the work of understanding and firm boundaries with love. I am also honoured to have a son such as him. He taught me so much. His growth has been beautiful to witness. 



*To see more thoughts on Autism/ Aspieness click on the Autism/Asperger's label below or Sensory posts ( I have written about the process of sensory overload in my Halloween and Thanksgiving posts:http://worldwecreate.blogspot.ca/2015/11/explaining-sensory-sickness-and.html http://worldwecreate.blogspot.ca/2015/10/sensory-overload-on-holidays-like.html)

Also a reminder. AUTISM DOES NOT CAUSE VIOLENCE. Read this for more: http://worldwecreate.blogspot.ca/2014/05/aspergers-autism-is-neurological-way-of.html



Song Choice: James Morrison- I won't let You Go ( On a personal note I watch this video every time I am depressed and see myself lying on the road with those I know love me and it brings so much comfort; https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sgRb_lfIZ6A)
Love Hurts- James Morrison

I also wrote a follow up post to this HERE: http://worldwecreate.blogspot.ca/2017/06/part2-behind-scenes-story-of-being.html
 






This is by Samantha and SO good for Aspergirls. I would highly recommend for any who wish to understand women and autism to listen while doing chores or watch during downtime:



Monday, May 26, 2014

Aspergers/ Autism is A Neurological way of Being- It does NOT cause Violence





Friends and family tend to shelter me from any news about Aspies/ Autistics committing crimes or being accused of doing them because of their neurological difference. I usually find out anyway, and it's a form of deep prejudice to decide that a crime is based on a neurological wiring. It's like accusing a different race of more crimes...when really demographic, environment, and deep motivation matter more in the long run. All people are in need of help at some point, unfortunately some do not recognize this need themselves and bad things happen. 

People who have "no friends" or are "quiet" tend to get the brunt of accusations in shootings or acts of violence, even when the same acts in history have been committed by people with "many friends" and of whom were "extroverted." It's easier to blame some sort of quirk or point out the less social norms for a reason than to realize that bad things happen to good people or that sometimes something snaps, or that there is not always a clear motive. Susan Cain's book "Quiet"(link) goes a long way in stopping the myths that quiet people are the violent people. Assuming quiet people are the future violent people is another prejudice stereotype that does no one good.

Since I am Autistic/ Aspie I wanted to "normalize" Aspergers/Autism...because there are so many misunderstandings of what it means to be an Aspie/ Autistic. The fact is that sometimes we DO need more help in life in some daily activities due to sensory overload or anxiety or depression or dyspraxia or ADD (each Aspie is different in these traits), however, we give back to the world in ways that are inspiring, artistic, genius, and encouraging in many ways. It's ableist to assume otherwise.

The ways we give back to the world may not be as obvious in day to day life but study a list of renowned Autistics and you will see the varied unique ways we contribute. Like some NT's (not on the spectrum or normal people) there are some violent Aspies...but it is rare, especially considering the population of Aspies as opposed to NT's and the percentage of violence in both categories. The stats speak for themselves. We do have varied forms of meltdowns but most are not meant to harm anyone. In general, Aspies give to the world in unique, funny, refreshing and original ways. We would not be communicating on computers without Aspies. Nor would we enjoy many philosophical debates, beautifully written prose, or humorous antidotes without many Autistics. I feel this must be said because of the recent judgments and misconceptions that have been given to Autistics/Aspies. 

It is very rare for an Autistic to not be safe, innocent and pure of heart. In the news we hear the horror stories but most often, there are other factors at work that should be exposed.  Typically these horrid situations involve tumultuous upbringing and lack of support. But it's easier to blame a difference then look at all the many factors that went wrong. The very stats speak for themselves; the number of Autistic people that commit crimes in the overall population of Autistics versus the number of Neurotypical people that commit crimes in their overall population makes the issue stunningly clear. Autism does not create violence.  If an Aspie, Introvert, Extrovert or Neurotypical commits a violent act there are always other factors involved and the wiring of their personality should NEVER be blamed or feared. I do not fear Neurotypicals even though I may not always understand them and they should not fear Autistics. Introverts should not fear Extroverts and Extroverts should not fear Introverts for possible violent crimes. These are ridiculous judgements.

My heart goes out to all the victims of the many crimes around the world, both hidden and publicized. Every day women, children and men are killed intentionally. Some we hear of, most we don't. My heart grieves for the travesty and for the families of both killer and victim. I can't justify violence in my soul or heart. To me it makes no feasible sense. I long to heal the world and I hope by doing my part that I can at least make a little haven of peace somehow in the world I help create.

All any of us can do is be responsible in looking after our own, in this world we help create. You are responsible to be the change you wish to see in the world. You can only do your part and hope to God that mercy and grace will prevail in the end. Always hope but remember that we must make our place better and that change starts within ourselves.

Wishing you peace and healing today;


NOTE: Autism can cause sensory issues or anxiety which can cause meltdowns and outbursts. If there is violence it is due to an environment or something not being addressed with the person- not the actually neurological wiring. Violent outbursts can happen but often are a result of additional issues that need to be solved. To see more on meltdowns click here: http://worldwecreate.blogspot.ca/2014/07/dealing-with-and-understanding.html

*To see more thoughts on Autism/ Aspieness click on the Autism/Asperger's label below...there are posts 


This is by Samantha and SO good for Aspergirls. I would highly recommend for any who wish to understand women and autism to listen while doing chores or watch during downtime:


Sunday, January 19, 2014

Abortion (Pro Life Versus Pro Choice) Actually ISN'T the Issue (In Support of Mothers AND Children)


 A letter to the editor showed up in a local paper urging people to write in to eradicate abortion. My husband came home as I was writing a feisty little piece (that ended up being the first draft of four)  to the paper. He had the same idea. We ended up writing the final draft together. The issues are deeper than a law or abortion. When we take away a choice...especially a choice regarding the human body in our fallen state, we end up messing the lines of human life even more. Of course every situation is different. Some abortions are a violation of human rights by discrimination. But a law won't change this. What needs to change is prejudices, awareness and the thousands of blogs that show the beauty of the differently wired or created in life.

Did you know abortion rates go up (NOT DOWN) when abortion laws are in effect? Women feel more desperate. Coming from a person who believes in God, I believe choice was the first gift given to us. We were given a tree, to choose good or evil. God did not take away that choice even with all it's consequences. If God didn't why do we think we have the rights too? When did we set ourselves up as God over life? I kept my feisty little first edition because it would make a great speech one day...just not a good article. As my father says, in newspapers or articles, you make your point and have people consider those points when you use honey and Logos (Pathos can be saved for speeches and personal blogs!) Honey attracts flies that would otherwise respond in defence. I am afraid I still can not quite manage full honey ness:) But I hope the deeper issues show themselves. A law will not take away the complicated situation. Better prevention, more support, and loving compassion heals a multitude of lives. We need to advocate for better programs NOT more red tape. I do not believe taking away a choice is the answer for so many other reasons not stated in this article.

In Support Of Mothers and Their Born/Unborn Children:
Human life is innately valuable and each life deserves to be, however, the issues choosing life are deep and complicated. Increased support is needed for mothers who feel they have no where else to turn. Attitudes and judgements affect the choice of life. The support (and the lack thereof) before/after birth become part of the weighing factors in life choices. Promotional mental health programs, comprehensive birth control strategies, and a general sense of empathetic awareness affect the choice of life. 

Recently, the government cut the program "Growing Opportunities" from a local area. It was one of the few places impoverished or teenage mothers could go to get gentle aid. Each week they received milk coupons, a few bags of groceries, nutritional guidance, mental support, and occasional visits from a nurse. We know of this firsthand because ten years ago we were expecting and under the poverty line. Growing Opportunities gave our family a strong beginning. We cannot judge the desperation of another until we have lived under a similar pressure. Our story had the support of family, friends and community, yet still we struggled. We can only imagine, with compassion, the forced decision of a mother who has none of that.


 Sometimes, it seems that we get lost arguing about issues or advocating for laws. Shouldn't we live our beliefs instead? Some ways to do this could be by volunteering at safe homes, taking food to women who can barely feed themselves (let alone a babe), seeking to protect families who are the victims of abuse and violence, compassionately supporting women who may be hard to love, engaging in regular conversations with the downcast, poor and misused, and considering Fostership.


When we advocate for prenatal programs, calming natural birth strategies, promotion of doulas, stronger action against the violence of women/children, and additional support for the first few years of a child's life, abortion rates will gradually go down. We have a responsibility to the children already born. The Foster system is in desperate need of good families to take in the destitute children. Perhaps the mothers who chose to carry their children abandoned the babes to drugs, abuse or simply did not have the means to keep the child they loved?


 Currently in our province, children are living in hotel rooms waiting for placement, foster homes are crowded, and placing of newborns is difficult. If you want to be a voice for the children, consider the already born. Instead of demeaning marches and petitions, consider the unborn children by aiding their mothers and advocating for merciful programs. Become a Foster parent, volunteer, or counselor. Support Pregnancy centers that give options of protection. Write to reinstate the program Growing Opportunities. To choose life means stepping out to take active responsibility for tough and complicated issues. We cannot make the choice of another. We can only influence that choice by love and compassion. We must be the change we wish to see in the world. Let's consider uniting and advocating for the needs of our surroundings. Together as a compassionate community we CAN make a difference, one child and one mother at a time.
(End of article)


We need more compassion. We need to build this global community where we can live in peace and harmony. We do this by the law of love, NOT by the law of the people. Because then the question arises- which religion, race, people group ect. get to make the law? Which group of people get to choose for everyone else? Are we so hung up on our prideful self righteousness that we have the audacity to choose for another person? We can only influence in love. Jesus never forced anyone to choose. Jesus never promoted spiritual manipulation or used his power at any level over another. He gave us the ultimate example, the law of love, sacrifice, GRACE and life. We each get to choose. That is the beauty of it all. The choice. Not the robotic submission of will, no matter how noble the reason is.

Let's change the conversation. Let's change it with action of our beliefs in compassion and empathy. LOVE. We live in a broken world. Awful, brutal circumstances happen that we can not prevent, but we can help heal despite this fact. It's all in our choices. We can choose what we stand for by living it, not by forcing it.*

*I support some mothers who choose not to go through with the life inside of them because I know there are different circumstances for everything. It can not all be summed up together. Sometimes the best choice doesn't seem like the right one to outsiders. I also support mothers who choose to go through pregnancy but give the life up for adoption or keep the life born...again it is circumstantial and can not be judged.

Thursday, January 16, 2014

Unschoolery...Why we Home School


*If you are looking for an excellent resource on Unschooling please check out these two posts. They a great source to the Unschoolery journey and information about this way of Being:



Our children are protected but well socialized. They are surrounded by those who love them, those who understand, and the comforts of a house that suits their specific interests. It's a Hobbit Hole in many ways. With tended gardens, comfortable blankets, low lights, classic stuffies, magical books, and not many interruptions.

I am well aware of the fact that children need adventures and that their adulthood will be fraught with different environments. But for now, they need their haven. Their simple life. They learn quietly with guitar, yoga, voice, meditation, piano, dance, sewing, karate, swimming ect. But even the way we choose to do most of these things is unconventional. We find family who want them to learn for learning sake. We find dance teachers who believe it is about the love, the rhythm, the way the body moves, instead of about competition, exams and being the best. We find flexible programs that are not rigid in practice. While discipline is important, it is instead learned through tending gardens, plants and living things that require constant time and attention. They have a balance of magical playtime, reading, working, chores, friend time (only 2-3 good friends are needed in life) integrated school and learning about themselves. They see their differences as gifts and struggles.

I found a Ted Talks link from a 13 year old homeschooled boy who speaks about his unique way of living. I was so relieved watching because my husband and I were worried that our kids may have no other people growing up who can relate to them if they decide marriage may be an option. In that arena too we teach them there are so many different ways to live a fulfilling life. If they want to remain single but adopt  (if they want kids) or if they want to live with us/ beside us or if they want to travel the world...marriage and college are NOT their only viable options.

Our kids watched the TED talk too. My eldest exclaimed,"Hey that's almost our life!" It's worth the ten minute watch:

Most adults I know are unhappy, unaware, restless, discontent and still searching for their meaning. Even if they are in fields they love or graduated top in their class. I have different goals for my children. I want them to grow up self aware. We teach them about handling emotions, differing faiths, cognitive therapy (a word they know well), yoga and meditation for self healing, boundaries in relationships...and to live in the NOW. I tell them that they already are WHO they are in this moment. They do not have to wait to be a "grown up" to experience life. They do not have to answer the stupid question,"What do you want to BE when you grow up?" I tell them to BE NOW. When they are hopefully old and grey, I KNOW they won't look back and say, "Boy am I ever glad I took the job in that firm." or "Those years of expense in school were worth every penny and the lack of time I had with the people that mattered." Instead I want them to say, "Life is tough and beautiful. From the time I was young I learned this but I also learned that I mattered. To stay connected and compassionate, from childhood I learned to engage in the outdoors, with the few people who mattered, and with myself. I lived well despite what work I did or did not do. The wisdom I gained was not just for knowledge's sake and I learned to be comfortable with myself no matter where I was. I lived in the NOW with meaning."

Their sibling relationships are very close compared to kids in school and they have deep respect for each other. They also are taught to value two or three friends of varied ages. In adulthood we are not set up in a contained environment with only people our age and events every day. No wonder most adults feel alone compared to their old school days. I want our kids to be able to hang out with any age comfortably and to decide on friends based on compatibility and support...not age. They can learn that now too. I also want them to learn that being able to invite 10- 20 kids for a birthday party is not a sign that they are well loved. Two or three GOOD friends is enough for now and forever. I also want them to learn that friendships have seasons. (Click HERE for this concept.) Overall, I want them to live parallel culturally...They are not just another cog in the wheel despite pressure to make them so. I don't want them to believe the lies that they need to buckle down and make money or marry and reproduce or even find a dream and live it. I want them to know that is just how our world tries to justify population growth, government programs and condition workers for the jobs that need doing. It's not bad to do any of those things as long as they are aware of what it is. I want them to use that system to support their meaning. If a job at Subway pays them enough to get by so that they can spend their remaining hours relaxing in their garden - that is a great life. If they are not driven to consume or be "something" but simply enjoy their pursuits- that is a great life. If they love their guitar playing but are not pressured to "be more" within that and can spend their time with a few friends strumming- that is a great life.

We don't force them to do many events that they dislike. Of course they need to find discipline within themselves to do yucky jobs at times (like cleaning the drains and garbages) but if they hate piano after giving it a sufficient try- we do not make them continue. We ask ourselves, "Are we trying to make our children something they are not? Are we trying to accidentally fulfill one of our dreams or how we think children should look by doing this? What would be the reason for them to continue in this pursuit that ties in with MEANING or BEING? Is there another way to find that meaning or being? (There usually is.)"

My children will experience the same hurts, pain and limited options that other children will face at varying times in their life. From outside appearances they may seem apathetic or socially different, but I hope that at least they will be equipped to find their meaning in the NOW. To engage in whatever state they are with awareness, peace and confidence. Our situation has it's own flaws and it is not ideal but I KNOW it is better than a one size fits all learning system they previously engaged in (for them. Obviously there are many children who NEED to be in school or do not have a parent who can stay home to school.) I hope they will have an easier time adjusting into adulthood because they will not feel pressured with the rules or expectations ...even if they take a standard job they will know how to fit in enough yet not look at fitting in as the ultimate goal. I hope they make it work for them...or stay at home and find ways to get by creatively so they can spend the rest of their time soaking up the earth's beauty, connecting with the few they love, and savouring the little moments in their one precious life. It's going to be flawed and fraught with misunderstanding and obstacles...but I have faith that they will be able to handle the imperfections...perhaps even embrace them!




*Disclaimer: There are many different ways to live a life. Many children are better off in school  for varied reasons. Some parents truly can not afford homeschooling, however, there ARE many parents who THINK they can't but really can. We thought we couldn't and are now better off financially because we do not have school costs, we have some government support for school curriculum, we have more subsidies by having one parent at home...overall the money saved by this choice makes up a minimum wage thirty hour week job for myself and I get to be at home with my children savouring the moments. (We crunched all the numbers.) Homeschooling without the right support or facilitator can be very tough, especially the first year, but if you are a self taught parent who can read up on varied materials and mindsets, you will find your own unique groove. In reality, our school systems are failing children who are slightly different or do not fit the competitive, extroverted, contained environments. That said, there are many good schools who do their best with the few equipped teachers and many children they have. Extroverted children do especially well in school and may struggle more at home. Children who are abused at home find havens in school. There are exceptions and benefits to everything. There are also negatives to everything, including home schooling. It's simply thinking outside the box and risking what is right for your situation...whatever it is...that matters.*
 Song Choice- Bloody Well Right- Supertramp


Another post on this topic:
http://worldwecreate.blogspot.ca/2015/01/confessions-of-unschooling-mother-links.html