Tuesday, June 4, 2019

AUTISM INTERVIEW #97 PART 1: KMARIE ON THE BENEFITS OF KNOWING YOURSELF June 4, 2019Interviewsautistic identity, identity, Kmarie, music This is the first part in a two-part interview with Kmarie @ learnfromautistics.com

I participated in a two part interview at https://learnfromautistics.com/blog/ Please check out Jenna's site as it is an excellent resource! I LOVED the interview process with her, she also edited all my words, which took the pressure off my executive functioning issues! Thanks Jenna for all the hard work you do on behalf of Autistic people and for asking me to participate.




AutIstic INTERVIEW #97 PART 1: KMARIE ON THE BENEFITS OF KNOWING YOURSELF






This is the first part in a two-part interview with Kmarie. Kmarie is an autistic wife, mother, and blogger from Canada. She is is drawn to music and often uses song lyrics to express her emotions. Her beautifully written blog details a variety of different life experiences, including (but not limited to) living with Asperger’s, INFJ personality, low ferritin, and chronic illness. This week Kmarie discussed her relationship with music, the importance of self knowledge, and her struggles with executive functioning and language.

On your About Page, you write, “I believe when we know ourselves first, we make the world a better place.” Can you expand on this?

Baruch Spinoza (one of my favourite Philosophers) wrote, “The more clearly you understand yourself and your emotions the more you become a lover of what is.” If we can not understand why we choose different ethics, emotions or responses, then it is tougher for us to understand people who are different from us. I feel, when we love what IS our life- whom we ARE, we are able to activate change because our foundation, grounded in a sense of secure self to a degree, is built. When we know our motivations and why, I think that it is easier to be compassionate about the way others are. Thus making the world a better place. When we are at peace with our own understanding of where we stand, how we are, and whom we wish to become, we add that strong, solid stance to the human collective. Perhaps it’s a bit of a Stoic mentality, but when our self is in check, understood, and balanced, we are less prone to violent rage, ignorance, and trampling of other’s basic human rights.

How do we go about “knowing” ourselves? How have you learned more about yourself? In what ways do you continue learning?

Wow, this is a big question that will have a big answer and I will still feel I am leaving things out…Feel free to skim.
There are many mediums to learn about self. Cognitive therapy, conversation, film, art, music, reading…but specifically, I feel that in-depth knowing of self can often jump off in Personality Typing. The issue with Typology is that often people answer questions with how they wish they were or how they mistakenly perceive themselves and thus get the wrong result. A wrong result is worse than no result. I often tell people they will know it is right when they read their overview and think, “How did this person crawl into my mind?” MBTI tests like Personality Hacker or 16Personalities are excellent starters. I am an INFJ. In the past, I mis-tested as an INFP, which, after reading the description, I realized I am most definitely not. INFJ described my life. The Enneagram  is another layer of self, but again, the testing is tricky. I am a 4 with a 5 wing.
There is a certain sense of “Becoming” or “Knowing” when I read a book or a test result that resonates in frequency with my soul. When I found out I had Autism/ Aspergers…that was another piece of ME. But honestly, knowing yourself DOES come with some struggles. Each time I find a new aspect of myself that resonates as true, I go through a mini identity crisis of  “Oh wow I am like that? That is something I now need to work at embracing or growing in my life.” 
At first, it can be hard work…learning about personal strengths and weaknesses. Sometimes even if it feels true, it may not be wished to be true…and it requires some soul growth. I cried about my Enneagram Fourwhen I read Beatrice Chestnut ‘s book, but then I read the “Sacred Enneagram,” and even though some of my core beliefs may sightly differ, that book put my four back into some perspective… and then I found a blog by an actual Enneagram 4 that dispelled the multiple myths from writers trying to understand but not actually Fours themselves. That cleared everything up for me. I still enjoy Beatrice Chestnut’s ideas, but I take them with a self aware grain of salt. Now I am proud to be a four. But that is because I had that guidance from another actual Four type. 
It is the same concept with a “professional” versus an “actual Autistic” voice. Both have value, but choose the actual Autistic voice first and foremost. It’s why it is so important that we tell our stories…even if we think they don’t matter or no one is listening. When we tell our stories, it enables others to tell theirs. But after the hard work of an initial new knowing of self, a new layer of understanding is born, and that is often when life tends to get better. Or at least, I become better within the normalities of every day living…
Oh, I am a self growth junkie. I kind of “life coach” people in my spare time so I am constantly on the lookout for new paths of knowing and learning. Currently I am reading “The Goddesses in Every Woman” and “God’s in Everyman” based on Jung Typology rooted in Greek Archetype Myths. I was blown away when I found out I was an Aphrodite and wrote a post on that. My pre-judgments going into that were challenged. I often feed my learning through regular reading of Philosophy, Psychology, Educational, and Sociology themed books. Right now I am reading, “Life through the Lens of Unschooling” by Pam Laricchia and finding myself in many of the pages. I also just finished an Alan Watts book. We are conducting a book study in our home. We also host “Called to Question Gatherings” to which we invite people who are passionate about topics to educate listeners and discuss in an openly peaceful forum of differing beliefs. We have had a lot of professors, educators, and laymen speak about topics that interest them. I firmly believe we learn more from people who are excited about their own stories.
I am constantly on the lookout for viewpoints opposite of my own to challenge any stagnant thinking I have. For instance, I heard about Jordan Peterson and his controversial book. Initially I was very against him, but after watching numerous You Tube videos of his discussions, I finally began to understand his story and where he was coming from. I read his book…I was annoyed at some parts, and disagreed with some, but I also came away with a belief that for SOME people- his book will make them better people…and for THAT specific audience- his voice matters too. Even if it is not something I would fully support, I at least respected the way he holds himself in an argument. If I feel I am becoming too conservative, I read more liberal people…and if I feel I am becoming too liberal (which is more my natural tendency), I re balance by reading a respected conservative. I always try to make sure my sources at least share a value of trying to make the world a better place or some sort of ethical platform. While I am a rebel in my own way, I am also a rule follower, so I try to find people who have that balance. I try to have a ratio of books that would be in agreement with whom I am, but also that require me to do outside the box thinking. As Baruch Spinoza writes, “No matter how thinly you slice it, there will always be two sides.”

You recently wrote a blog post about increasing executive functioning and language difficulties you experience. How does this impact your relationship/interactions with your husband and children? Are there ways they can support you during these times?

It has been hard. It is taking me longer to process. Normally I am a rapid processor. I can read a book easily in a sitting, but it’s been taking me a bit more time lately. Getting my thoughts out in real life, as opposed to writing on a page, has always been more challenging, but now, to my horror, it is translating to paper/typing too. I admit I have been in panic mode lately, and I am trying to use the time I do have with more accuracy to advocate for myself, with my children and husband. Plus, I want them to have the skill set to navigate deterioration or different paths of communicating when/if it happens to them. So the times I am more cognizant, I have been reading them posts of others this has happened to, I try to explain, I try to give them an understanding of the brain, nutrients, what is possible to control and what is not… But then there are the moments when I have no words and I get frustrated easily. Honestly, I am still learning to navigate this with them. Most of this year I have felt like a massive failure.
I home school my children, so I do need a certain level of communication to keep them up in their studies. Our facilitator just came and was happy with their progress, but I couldn’t shake the failure pit of despair in my gut. Deep down I know though that I am resilient and loved…and we can work with whatever life throws at us with enough hutzpah. Basically I am stubborn in believing in my worth and contributions overall because it has been a life long fight of mine.
They have naturally helped me by giving me words. Luckily, I am so in tune with my husband and children, they often know what I want without me saying much. Over a decade with chronic illness with spurts of pain so bad I cannot speak has given us practice in this situation. My daughter knows with my facial expressions generally what I want. We have an almost made-up language of gestures, expressions and grunts etc. She brilliantly figured out that often when I am in “the zone” and they try everything to get my attention and I just can’t give it, all she has to do is gently stroke her finger down my cheek or stroke my hair and immediately I pay attention. My husband never figured that out…he always tries to talk louder or suddenly sits beside me or uses shock effect, and that won’t get my attention. I may startle, but I won’t be focused. I appreciate my daughter figuring that out. I thought I hated most forms of unexpected touch, but I appreciate when she does that.
My husband luckily has the best sense of humour. He is also generally a natural care taker. So when I mess up my words, he does often laugh, but it doesn’t bother me because it is in an enjoyment way…he loves my interesting speech slurs, word and phrase mix ups, and the way I speak. But he is pained for me if it is getting in the way of my life. I now often look to him in a conversation, and he knows he is supposed to jump in to supply the words I need to make my point. He never takes over though if I am struggling through, but I wish to continue. He generally has worked out cues with me to know when I want support and when I do not.
I really struggle if I am in a flow state and get interrupted. Often my words won’t come back and I can become frustrated for the rest of the day. My family is learning not to interrupt when I am in a monologue. 
I have never been able to express some of my emotions without typing or writing…so when I am mad at my husband, he knows by the songs I play. He also tends to know my mood by the music I choose. Music is a massive form of communication in our home. Often, even though it is important to me, I forget to use it. So they all work as a team to make sure I have access to music or remind me that I haven’t listened to any in awhile. It’s like drinking water. Yesterday I became so dizzy and nauseous to the point of curling up in a ball for an hour. My youngest came in and said, “Mom I don’t think I saw you take one sip of water since you woke up.” I thought about it, and he was right! I was swiftly brought two cups of water and half an hour later, I was fine. My family views music as important as water in another way. It is communication, so accessibility to it and reminders for it are part of our day.

You often use song lyrics and music to communicate your feelings. Describe your relationship with music. Have you always been drawn to music?

Music is my life. I don’t feel I could fully function or feel fully human without music. As a little child, I would grab the microphone and sing 80’s rock and roll at the top of my lungs. 70’s and 80’s rock is still what I need if I require an energy burst of happiness. In the crucial moments of my life, the right song has come along to describe my journey. I also can’t seem to cry often unless I have a song to trigger me when I need to. I have to go to songs for those moments like Celine Dion’s “Fly.” I have a song for everything basically. Before iTunes and the Internet, I would know songs from every genre and educate my friends in all of them. I constantly made mix tapes and then burned CDs to express my friendship to people. I communicated my care, and I still send song lyrics via text to my friends. I also love introducing people to new songs. Lyrics are first and foremost my way of speaking. Even in my ordinary day to day speech, those who know many songs will hear lyrics sprinkled throughout. 
I can’t listen to classical much. I find music without lyrics really stressful. It’s fine if it’s background for a movie, but not playing on the speakers. My husband loves classical, and I will tolerate it for awhile before I put on headphones or beg him to put on ANYTHING else with lyrics. Every genre fills a need for me. I am also seasonal in my music needs. For some reason I crave country in the Spring or when I want to celebrate simplicity. I love Jazz and Easy Listening leading up to Christmas. Rock ‘n’ Roll, Broadway, Pop, Metal, Show tunes, Opera, Punk, Indie etc…it all has its place. I like everything except for Screamo and most Classical. Although I am grateful to Classical for getting us to where we are today and there are MANY beautiful pieces. I just need lyrics to ground me.  
Music is part of my soul. I would literally be lost without it. I have a soundtrack playing inside my head for every moment. It expresses a part of me I can’t seem to access otherwise. That’s why the show ‘Glee’ was and is still important to me. Most people don’t get that. I still watch later episodes of Glee when I’m on the treadmill or if I’m having a tough time or if I need to express something. Glee combined all of my interests and obsessions; film, music, movie, artists, self growth, friendship and connection. It did so in a way that was both irreverent and satirical to all subjects and paradoxically respectful and acknowledging. But first and foremost, it expressed the inner energy I have inside. In it I found my voice once again.
 When I first found out about my Asperger‘s diagnosis, I was also introduced to the Broadway musical Wicked. Broadway and film have been huge aspects of my life almost as much as music. As a child I would longingly wish to escape into the 1940’s films. Singing in the Rain, etc. When I found out I was Autistic, the role of Elphaba in Wicked really made me feel less alone. I would play ‘Defying Gravity’ in tears over and over again. My husband knows every lyric due to my continuing obsession and repetitive listening. It helped me navigate the two years I was still finding myself within my diagnosis.

KMarie often selects song lyrics at the end of her posts. Below are her choices for this interview:
This link is by Kodi Lee who is blind and autistic and just won the golden buzzer on America’s Got Talent. His relationship with music and his mom had me sobbing. The way he uses music as his life – I can relate.






Also Me by Taylor Swift because each Autistic person deserves to feel that “I’m the only one of me – and baby that’s the fun of me.”







8 comments:

Anonymous said...

I found this an amazing interview and I related to everything you spoke about . I agree it's so important to know ourselves and I think it's probably the most important thing we can do so we can balance our needs , interests, responsibilities and our energy. I'm so looking forward to part two. I really do think you should write a book. A Manual for living on earth. I think it would be a bestseller. You have incredible insights and your insights about yourself have certainly made you highly intuitive to others. I'm so glad to know you . 💜- glynis

Ashe said...

Looks great! Very exciting! :D

One thing I keep wondering about in regards to MBTI is what about those folks that are focused heavily on their surroundings and very little on their interior that get easily exhausted on self-analysis? I wonder how much self-study is sufficient for them to understand themselves.

Enneagram gives me fits and I have yet to find a good one to help me figure it out. It seems I'm a One since integrity and quality are some of my first core values, but the neurotic perfectionism Ones are wrote up to be annoys me. It seems a lot of sites are all fluff on MBTI and all criticism with Enneagram. I like your presentation of Four much better, of depth and intricacy and a full life. Much better than, in example, Enneagram Institute's rude "self-absorbed and temperamental".

I am really excited and looking forward to your Gods in Men blog post. I tried doing some digging on my own but the best man archetype test I could find was a four piece system of King, Warrior, Magician, Lover. While interesting, a Greek god version would have complemented the cool goddess system you shared.

Do you think Aspie wiring is part of the reason why music resonates with some Aspies so much? Studies say that the brain reacts in specific ways to music, and with our heads having more efficient pathways in some areas and complicated loopy-loops in others that maybe music helps regulate those functions better? I find that I can use music to help keep my moods under control better or express what's blocked.

Great interview all around and look forward to part two. :)

Kmarie said...

Glynis:
I am so glad you could relate. I knew you would :) I agree that it is one of the most important things...OH I am so glad you are looking forward to part two. Awe, I never seem to have the executive functioning to put together a book- otherwise I would love to! That is very kind and flattering...I really appreciate that thought. I do agree that my insights into self have made me more compassionate to others. I am completely honoured to know you and I feel I can never fully give back to you what you regularly give to me in life. From the bottom of my heart- thank you.



Thanks Ashe:
Yea it is a great site! You would probably enjoy some of the other interviews:)oh ha ha…it is VERY hard to get some Sensors to take the test or delve in…In fact that is often a sign of their type…and often they don’t want to go deeper…but there are ones who do break that mould and usually they are friends or loved ones of other MBTI types who LIKE the self analysis thus they find a bit of themselves and still benefit…it’s just not to a larger extent. I honestly think anyone can benefit from self study but it is true that some people will never traverse it nor be inclined to do that.

Enneagram took me YEARs to enjoy and embrace because of some of the stupid tests I just swore it off…and then suddenly I was bored of the MBTI for a bit and wanted more self exploration and luckily I hit on my type and it was eerily accurate and the books helped….but yea I hated it for years. ha ha yea type Four is complex and not well versed in unless by other Fours…it is because its the rarest type and the other types don’t fully get it so thus the self absorbed…and the temperamental…well, we are very very flexible in spirit and easy to go from one mood to another…so I can see that..but it’s not sooooo negative.

Ha yes, I am looking forward to that post too if I ever remember to finish that book. I have read so many books recently and keep forgetting to finish that one! It is on my to do list. It is an interesting concept. The books are a little dry at parts but then their meaty parts are juicy.

I do think Aspie wiring is a huge part of it. I love how you tie it in with functions as I think that is probably legitimate ( tho pure speculation from me at this point lol) Music does that to me too and I am so glad you can also find it enhancing! We are very similar in some aspects.

Thank you!
Love
K

S said...

First of all, congratulations on your interview !! I think that the ability to express yourself through written words is one of your best qualities. And to express yourself, you need to be "self aware". So, when you said that by knowing ourselves, we can make the world a better place, I immediately found this connection between your self-awareness and your life purpose. You said it so beautifully in the interview. Without this clarity of thought about our personality, way of being and also the duality of being, our needs and requirements ( self awareness) and also about the need of others ( empathy/compassion), can we ever make any real progress ? You said it the best when you said "but when our self is in check, understood, and balanced, we are less prone to violent rage, ignorance, and trampling of other’s basic human rights "
I am a self-growth junkie as well!! Some people want to improve themselves, or become a better version of themselves by knowing themselves and I think that you and I are one of them. Personality profiles, enneagram, etc. helps in this journey and also certain other aspects like -mindfulness, meditation, spiritual quest , silence/solitude, also helps. I believe that most introverts are naturally self introspective and they just need a little nudge ( through learning from books, meditation practice, etc. etc. ) to achieve that kind of self awareness. Also, strange though it may sound, I have observed that living with a large number of people ( I am talking about diversity here) /living in different cultures/living with people whose personality/traits are opposite to us also helps in this "self awareness/self learning" process. You have also said something similar in the interview- that you balance your way of being by paying attention to different/opposing perspectives. How wonderful !!
I think that it is extremely difficult to manage home, children and hubby as well as a job and social life if you are on the autism spectrum and also have chronic illness. Multitasking is really really hard on a autistic female. That is why, they let go of many of their desires and dreams, while trying to hold on to a few. (This is my personal opinion, correct me if I am wrong) . That is why, I think that compared to others ( who are more competitive/achievement oriented kind) we make peace with life very early and also make peace the most and simple pleasures are our "therapy", which includes music, gardening, reading, crafting, interior decor, etc.etc. We are the self satisfied/self soothing kind which is sometimes misinterpreted as self absorbed.
I deeply appreciate your opinion in this interview. Will be eagerly waiting for the second part:)
P.S : I have sent a mail on your "KP" address ( reply section of a previous mail ) for Juil's Birthday. Hope you have a look !
Thanks and take care,

Kmarie said...

Thank you. It's nice to have a clearer voice somewhere...:) That is a very very touching statement to express to me. Thanx!

I love self growth...tho sometimes it is a frustrating aspect of my personality... ha ha...

I can tell you are a self growth soul too...A big yes to meditation and solitude too!!! Definite importances for me...before I realized that in my twenties I was pure chaos on many ways.... I liked your culture reference too as Im sure that would also be true...and I know living with different personas is highly beneficial when we apply understanding. Yes so true!:)

Kmarie said...

S: Part 2:

Oh my goodness...honestly most days I feel like an EPIC failure...I barely get through the day and my days are pretty easy! I get to stay home with kids whom help out A LOT and a husband who cooks on top of everything and I STILL struggle and then feel terrible about it. I just cried at a therapy appointment about how I wish sometimes I was normal and that I feel so inferior and incapable some days. Multitasking is a MUST with a family often and I often can not fully be present...I check out a lot and have to apologize...I celebrate neurodiversity and I know my wiring contributes to so many beautiful things too but there is the other side. Just like light must have dark and in fact the dark enhances and showcases the light...Most days I have to go through making peace with it all over again- I've gotten quicker but it's hard not to hear the messages from childhood.

Yes I am not an achievement type as in I do not feel that it explains my children or me or my husband...NO, we ARE. I agree that simple pleasures ARE therapy. I've gone to therapy for 14 years every month and although it has been amazing...the last 6 months I have actually felt worse and cried after each one...I think I am transitioning...Because There is that line between embracing cognitive therapy and becoming...but I feel I've done as much as I can feasibly do in some areas...and then there is the line of acceptance for what you are and whom you are. Again, its fine line and it changes regularly but it's an important balance. There are times when I think "I have become like a well trained dog...I remember 'nicities' and add them in emails and exchanges...I remember the right amount of eye contact when it matters, I remember my manners always, I force myself to smile when I'd rather scowl sometimes...and maybe, MAYBE that is not what needs to be all the time. However, at the SAME time these things have given me some much needed supports and people in my life that absolutely love me partly because I have made such an attempt to speak in their way...yet at the same time I need to be ME and not mask and find people who can tolerate all of that is ME (which is rare) and some would say it is ableist and conformist of me to do these things...but to me, as long as I am aware and take the time to also JUST BE...sometimes the efforts are more stoicism philosophy and that is ok...to a degree...but I've been losing myself in it lately and am tired of some of the constraints that way. So even tho self development is a big belief of mine...at times I have to find the path that suits and not force that which does not... ha ha I'm running in circles- and contradicting myself! My speciality :)

What I DO love is what you mentioned...those endeavours never bring me pain. Music, my plants, reading, painting my house, decorating, writing sometimes, watching shows like Glee, watching movies and going to Avengers ect, meditation, and helping others with self development with personality ect never bores me!:) I love that...and luckily I AM my family's therapist and that is one way I can give. My husband says he has never known a therapist like me and that on an intuitive level I supersede many that have had the "right credentials" but do ont have that perspective or full understanding compassion...which is so flattering but it's in a realm that makes me happy :)

You are so right that self soothing can be mist-interpreted as self absorbed.

Thank you! The second part comes on Tuesday.
Thank you- I printed it off and it made me teary! She will be getting back to everyone by the end of the weekend as she got so many heartfelt emails and texts for her 16th that she wants to take the time to tell each person what it meant. She was overwhelmed with gratitude and emotion and told me she will never forget this birthday.

Also from me, Thank you!
xox

Jenna said...

Thanks so much for the interview!!! You have fabulous insight, and it is a blessing for people to have the opportunity to read your writing and learn from your experience.

Kmarie said...

Jenna:
Thank you for giving me this opportunity. I really enjoyed it. Honestly, your request came at a time when I was debating whether or not I should quit my blog and take it all down...and you helped refresh my perspective on that! Thank you for those kind words. I truly hope that people can learn from my experience so that their struggles can perhaps be lessened or at the very least feel less isolating:)