The first time I heard this song Defying Gravity in 2005 my heart beat wildly. My aunt had sent me a fuzzy Broadway bootleg clip of Idina and Kristin. She stated, "I think this will be up your alley." Little did she know that she would fuel an obsession that would take me through the next twenty years of my life. I watched Defying Gravity and the emotions thrumming in my chest sang, "This is it. This is the song I have always been looking for!" The untold story of the Wizard of Oz through the Broadway Play Wicked hit my heart in a very personal way. While I loved the bubbly character of Glinda, it was Elphaba, the seemingly wicked, whom I could strongly relate to. I found pirated versions online of Idina Menzel playing Elphaba and Kristin Chenoweth as Glinda. (In those days there wasn't streamlined social media nor the clips we have today. It took hours of searching and I also did not have any Broadway friends. I was alone in my Broadway obsession's at the time.)
I bought the full soundtrack on Itunes and listened to it over and over again. I had to guess the storyline from the songs until mainstream media finally had more accessible information on the entire play. I ordered Broadway merch online from Ebay. Anytime I saw the word "Wicked" on anything Halloween I would buy it. My husband has the soundtrack memorized from the multiple times I played it to the city and back. Also, whenever I was upset (which was a lot in those days) I also played it. I fell in love...my only other prior loves coming close to that level in media were Gene Kelly dancing in the rain and Judy Garland singing in any movie, but Judy especially singing Over the Rainbow in the Wizard of Oz. I wanted to be Judy Garland until I read her biography at age ten. I was five when I cried for hours over the shortness of life. I cried for my teddy because he didn't have a soul. I sobbed for Judy Garland because she was no longer alive. It was my first metaphysical crises. I don't know what brought it on exactly. I think the main trigger was that I had just finished watching Meet Me in St. Louis with my mom and she happened to mention that all the people in the movie were dead. Maybe, she thought, that being only five, this fact would breeze over my head. Instead it breezed into my brain and remained there forever. The truth of time was already hammering its rules into my subconscious.
Each year I would google Wicked movie remake rumours, hoping my favourite original Broadway gals Kristin and Idina, would be included. Fast forward to this year of 2024, the night before my movie attendance, and I woke to nightmares of hating the movie. I was nervous and dreading it more than I was excited about it. Would they ruin it for me forever? Would the obsession that calmed me during my post baby blues of my third child, carried me through my Autism diagnosis at a time when barely anyone was discussing Asperger's Syndrome/ Autism, and brought me through lonely hours of washing dishes as a mother of three belting out the soundtrack over and over again, be irrevocably ruined forever by this movie?
From the moment the opening started, I was left breathless. The dashing Jonathan Bailey Dancing Through Life completely crushed any lingering whispers of doubt. He may have surpassed Gene Kelly for me in that moment, which is saying A LOT. The movie did not feel like 3 hours - I could have stayed longer (which anyone who knows me would be surprised at, because I constantly check the time at theatres as I tend to have panic attacks in them.) I am eager about part two. It also helped, that a journey that began as an isolated obsession, was shared with a van full of 6 theatre gals, whom belted out the showtunes from the original the entire way there, playing with harmonies and expressions of each character. We even dressed up together, which I did often as a Witch from 2005 onward, but in a conservative town, the word Wicked was often just chalked up to the evils of humanity (along with most witchy things until Harry Potter movies created a happy mainstream beauty to that witchy wonder.) I can not count how many times I was asked why I had that word 'Wicked' all over my house or what my obsession with witches meant, or the meaning of the lyrics to Defying Gravity that were a decal on my library wall. Which is understandable when it is out of context, but I would get so excited when the odd person would know what it was or be open to hearing ALL about it. To come to a place in societal time when dressing up in costume is barely a blip on people's radars (or gets the full compliments) and Wicked is one of the most searched news currently, it feels like a full circle moment.
A couple years ago, when we did our renovations, I gave most of my Wicked stuff to my daughter. I was trying to be more grown up. I was trying to fit more into my town. Maybe if I had less Wicked words around my home, the church people groups would host more events at our home? I noticed that while people raved about our family and our home, when we offered to host official churchy things, it was gently rebuffed even though our home is set up to entertain and host. Luckily, we are still massive hosts in the community to those who may not fit, and those who love to be a part of our family existence. But at the time of getting rid of stuff, I thought that maybe people would be less scared of me? Although, the caveat to this was some very conservative friends, whom loved me, knew about my obsession, and even though they did not understand it, they would buy me witchy things for my home. One friend brought me a signed photo from Idina Menzel (I cried) and another brought me witchy shoes and brooms ( cried at that one too!) One of my dearest blog friends from down in the States, made me a witchy quilt with parts of my shirt from the Broadway version and other material I sent her. It is still one of my most treasured possessions. In fact, I can think of many lovely gifts my home was filled with from people who cared. That mattered deeply.
Needless to say, last night I asked my daughter if I could have my stuff back. To which she replied, "Of course mommy, I kept it for you, I know you go through these extreme stages and I knew it was so much of your soul that hopefully something would re ignite and remind you of that." Maybe the decal can eventually find its way back on to my living room sliding door at least? I miss it.
Today, I dug through my old blog archives from a previous blog I took offline, and found more than a few posts on the topic of Wicked. When Glee sang their first Wicked song, I bawled. Finally something mainstream was sharing my love with me. Finally, I heard people talking more about Wicked. Broadway across Canada brought it home to me a few years later, and each time it came to my vicinity I attended. First with my sister, than my entire little family, and then my good friend and finally my husband and I. I found the post I wrote after my first attendance written in 2011. I feel I have had a lot of growth since the writings of the post, but the core of whom I am, and the deep love I have for each song in the musical has not changed. Now the world shares the love with me, and I am better for that sharing. Now I have friends who are re igniting my love of musicals and Broadway. The heart of whom I have been since a toddler, but often pushed aside in social circles due to baffled looks, is now understood by multiple people outside of my sister, children and husband! That old soul is rising like a Phoenix. I see those past years of becoming as tumultuous and full of drama and mistakes. I was awkward (still am but not quite as much.) I sometimes was self absorbed while trying to figure out who that self was. I lacked confidence often due to sometimes being quite isolated. But now, I see that the person I am today is slightly more balanced. I quite like her. I know she is IMAGO Dei. I see her in a different light. She also now fits the swirls of both pink and green comfortably without needing excuses as to why. Wicked was a large part of that journey. I know without a doubt, that the CREATOR of all that IS good, loved her and this journey for her too. The one WHOM IS has a surprisingly different set of standards and I know that while I was singing, SPIRIT was enjoying the heightened joy of my soul, right along with me.
To see that full circle journey, I am sharing my old post down below along with some previous photos. Enjoy!
***Below posts were Written in 2011. Keep in mind that terms I use like "Aspie" were ok at that time and even promoted. Also, there are aspects of myself then, that I have let go of now...but I find it beautiful to see this full circle of what was written more than a decade ago!***
Excuse me for this completely frivolous post. I am shamelessly promoting 'Wicked'. One word:
At our after show meal, my waiter asked if I was one of the actresses in the Broadway production. (The bonus of living in a hick city full of wranglers and cowboy hats. Needless to say he was tipped well:)
I am in love with Wicked. If you ever get a chance to splurge...
Try Wicked.
"Something has changed within me. Something is not the same. I'm through with playing by the rules of someone else's game."-(Defying Gravity) My life anthem. In three sentences. A song that I want played in the video montage at my funeral. (Yes, I want a cheesy video montage.)
In the book Asperkids Jennifer Cook O Toole describes her Aspie daughter's obsession. "The following summer, when her dad and I went to see Wicked: The Untold Story of the Witches of Oz (2003) on Broadway, she was so enthralled with my descriptions of the plot and music that she literally begged me to pull up bootleg recordings of Elphaba the witch on Youtube. The soundtrack became background music to our lives, posters decorated her room...That love has never gone away. Last year at age 7, I finally took her to see Wicked...(Jennifer goes on to describe that her daughter also has an obsession with Athena and the Percy Jackson series...I also love those.) So what did this tell me about my child? Actually, it wasn't that hard to see if I sat with her "friends" for a while. In WICKED, we learn that the villain the one who is "different," is actually the heroine. Against all odds, Elphaba will "defy gravity," flying upwards, embracing the awkward witchy costume others have assembled for her as they continue to misunderstand her efforts to "do good." From high atop the theater, she sings defiantly to the jeering mob below, rejecting their slanderous name calling. Elphie is free of their intimidation and condemnation. No. No amount of disdain can topple her..."- Jennifer Cooke O Toole
"As loud as my daughter could yell, as tall as her little body could stand, my daughter was saying that yes, she knew she was different, but that was because of- not in spite of- her very differences that she mattered, that she belonged..she too was hoping that there was a real place she belonged. She needed the world to know that she was neither wicked nor weird, she was just supposed to be. And so I spoke in her language. I hugged her and sang a line from Wicked, because I knew nothing would be more potent than her own special interest in letting her know I GOT it. I heard her. Softly I called upon the lyrics of friendship and admiration. She, too would change the whole world, like Elphie had changed those who truly knew her, "for good."- Jennifer Cooke O Toole
Like Elphie sings, "I'm limited. Just look at me. I'm limited...and just look at you. You can do all I couldn't do Glinda." The fact is...I AM limited. I feel continually misunderstood in my efforts to do good. Those who are normal seem to get accomplished easily what I sweat to put into practice. I have often longed to be free of the condemnation and constant correction of others. It's an Autistic/ Aspie issue. I know it definitely is, which may be tough for some to understand, but my differences have coloured every interaction of my life. When all I want to do is change someone indefinitely for GOOD.
I want to know that I have impacted my friends to the point that they would be tempted to use For Good at my funeral. Yes, I am that passionate about it. "I've heard it said, that people come into our lives for a reason, bringing something we must learn, and we are lead to those who help us most to grow, if we let them...and we help them in return."(For Good lyrics) I feel many people have been led to me and away from me. I do believe it is because I stretch people...and they definitely stretch me. I would not have it any other way. I want to have that impact. That strong reaction. I think it is why many can not foster long term relationships with me, and why many women are either intimidated or loathe me. (Yes I have heard the stories and I have bawled my eyes out because I did not know what I did. I was myself. And by being myself I am often disliked. I am not saying this for pity. Just stating a fact like Aspies often do.) The song goes on as Glinda sings to Elphaba, "But I know I'm who I am today because I met you...who can say if I've been changed for the better but because I knew you I have been changed for GOOD." That line is the greatest compliment ANYONE could give me. It's the inner desire of my soul. Elphaba sings back, "So let me say before we part, so much of me is made from what I learned from you. You'll be with me like a hand print on my heart. And now whatever way our stories end. I know you have re written mine by being my friend." That is how I feel about every significant friend that has crossed my path. There are some crucial friends who have made ME because of what I learned from them. Being an Aspie, I absorb characteristics, I watch nuances, I find personality traits I want or can relate to and fashion them into myself. I partially make myself up out of facets of whom I choose to be friends with. It's just how we learn to relate. Luckily, I have chosen well. I would say I have very good taste when it comes to people to imitate, give back to, and become friends with.
I make a lot of mistakes. I know I am not the easiest friend to live with. I make people passionately angry at me, and slightly annoyed, and also strongly endeared. It can not be easy to sit on that rollar coaster ride. I often send this line out to all I know; "Because I knew you. I have been changed for Good. And just to clear the air. I ask forgiveness for the things I have done you blame me for."
Glinda sings back, "But then I guess we both have blame to share, and none of it seems to matter anymore." I WANT that. I want the blame to be shared. I want my contacts to see that in their own lesser way they also had a different part of responsibility...and then I want it not to matter. Because it does not to me once reconciliation is talked upon.
The Wizard and I...This song hits home because Elphie sings about how she hopes the Wizard will explain her curse/gifts ect and change her exterior to match others, and how she will finally have some merit after living with constant rejection. In childhood I was often overlooked, or chosen as second best by my friends. The song, "I'm not that girl" sums it up perfectly, "Every so often we long to steal to a land that what might have been but that does not settle the ache we feel when reality sets back in. Blithe smile, light limb, she who's winsome she wins him. Gold hair with a gentle curl, that's the girl he chose and heaven knows I'm not that girl. Don't wish. Don't start. Wishing only wounds the heart. I wasn't born for the rose and pearl. There's a girl I know. He loves her so. I'm not that girl." I feel I should be one of those girls who manages to keep nails immaculate. The ones who complete a polish of their entire being on a daily basis. I wonder with awed curiosity how they live? As much as I lived under that illusion in my past or can create it for photos; I am NOT. That. Girl. Perhaps that is why Elphaba is one of my favourite roles? Perhaps that is why I cried through all the songs in Wicked's musical the first time I heard it 8 years ago? Perhaps it is why I play the songs in my darkest times to remind myself who I am? Perhaps many school mates thought high maintenance when my name was brought up? Truthfully, I am the green girl who does good deeds only to be accused of being the witch. No good deed...The only factor of high maintenance on me was the self inflicted time constraints of the illusion I created. While dusty memories were created by these illusions that won't be traded, I still wonder how many more could have been without it? Maybe it would have been worse? Illusion can also bring beauty. Beauty can hold inspiration. But not all the time. Sometimes a hazy sort of lovely bliss is also in the messy. The undone corners. My best galpal was like Glinda. She wasn't blond but she was everything else. She knew how to make people laugh, what to say, how to be sociable, how to move...everything I was not. I may as well have been painted green. I was awkward, had a lot of heart but did not always know how to communicate it. I was bookish like Elphie. I was interested in justice, and doing good despite what the current rules were. It was too serious for most adolescents. My husband came into the picture and finally I felt somewhat worthy. (?) I felt like maybe, just maybe, people were seeing me for who I was. "As Long as Your mine" is my top passionate song. My husband gave me those feelings and it helped me grow into future choices. "I need help believing you are with me tonight...My wildest dreamings could not foresee, lying beside you with you wanting me."(As long as Your mine Lyrics) Even being passionately loved she doubts. My life's cross to bear. No matter how much I am loved, there will be a part of me that doubts. Her love interest sings back, "Maybe I'm brainless, maybe I'm wise, but you've got me seeing though different eyes. Somehow I've fallen under your spell and somehow I'm feeling it's up that I fell." WOW. Perhaps this is why I have always wanted to be a witch in any play. I want someone to fall under my spell...my husband says he has:) I always wanted to help someone see life through different eyes. My husband paid me the ultimate compliment by turning to me once when this song was playing (not knowing any of my hidden thoughts at the time.) He seriously spoke, "That is how I feel about you. That is what you did to me." My mouth dropped open and then I laughingly started to cry from pure bliss.
When Elphie and Glinda sing "What is this feeling" about how much they loathe each other when they first meet...I can relate. Most of my friendships started with mutual dislike in some form or another..and then we overcame it...which made our ties even more powerful. We came to understand and by understanding we found our preconceived notions powerfully fall away.
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The ultimate song for me is still Defying Gravity, ""Something has changed within me. Something is not the same. I'm through with playing by the rules of someone else's game." I AM through...finally near age 30, I am done playing the games of the normal world. Religion, School, Rules, Social conduct, Should's, Grammar..."proper " ways to speak... "Too late for second guessing. Too late to go back to sleep. It's time to trust my instincts. Close my eyes and LEAP. It's time to try Defying Gravity and you can't pull me down." I just want to live my life, "I'm through accepting limits cuz someone says they're so! Some things I can not change but till I try I'll never know. Too long I've been afraid of loosing love I guess I've lost." There has been a lot of love lost...and this song made me realize that it is time to be done regretting it...or being afraid of loosing what I already have lost. "Well, if that's love it comes at much too high a cost. I sooner try Defying gravity. Kiss me goodbye I'm defying gravity...Everyone deserves a chance to fly...and if I'm flying solo AT LEAST I'M FLYING FREE. TO THOSE WHO GROUND ME TAKE A MESSAGE BACK FROM ME! TELL THEM HOW I'M DEFYING GRAVITY. I'm flying high. I'm defying gravity." -My favourite line. I think of so many moments since being married, so many moments of people telling me what I am, who I should be, how I am selfish when I was trying so hard to be the opposite, and all the confusion with relationships that were surface level (Friends of mine- do not count yourselves in this) and I would rather fly SOLO. Freedom is integral to my being. So is acceptance but I am learning that is a bit tougher for an Aspie longterm.
Elphaba is more than a character to me, the songs are more than melody, and Wicked is more than an obsession. As Jennifer Cooke. O. Toole writes, "I hoped if I could devour enough names, dates, and places, God would send me to a time and place far away where I truly belonged. Obviously, this wasn't it. And that is what a special interest is. To those outside the Aspie world, our perseveration of a topic is exhausting ..To an Aspie, our special interest is the gateway to the world we construct out of facts, fantasy, and logic. As much as you hear, it is only the tip of the ice burg of the wealth of thought, the seduction of belonging, the sacred- YES SACRED-dimension where we cannot mess up or be excluded. Where no one will ever skip and sing in celebration that we are "dead."(Jennifer Cooke O Toole. pg41) My sacred heart calling is to be accepted, to change the world for good, to defy the stupid rules and make an impact.
Love
Kmarie
1 comment:
Just read your latest blog post :)
I’m so so glad the wicked movie turned out good!!! Besides what you have posted about wicked and your love for it I do not know much at all. The part you mentioned the quilt brought happy tears. I often forget I have made quilts, it feels like a whole different life sometimes as I rarely have time to create like that again. Maybe someday. One day if we are every able to be in the same place I would be absolutely honored to watch Wicked with you 💕
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