Sunday, June 30, 2019

Summer Renewal, Epicurean Light, Magic and Meaning Whilst Embracing the Micro.

In 2016 I wrote that Summer was my Winter Season (click HERE.) This has been generally true for me, however, in 2017/2018, Spring became a first time favourite, which (surprise!) has moved into Summer 2019. Summer has now become this year's top spot which has never happened to me in my adult life. I am officially an "All Seasons Gal." Each season has had it's turn to shine in my life and become a well loved source of joy.

What changed? 


Back in February I kept running into the word "Transformation." I sensed change was upcoming which was scary and hopeful all at once. All the signs intuitively were pointing to a birth of sorts. But in order for birth, there must be death first or necessary endings. Luckily, many of my endings were not as painful as the anticipation of them. And the renewal that swiftly swept in made up for any losses three fold. "It takes courage to endure the sharp pains of self discovery rather than choose to take the dull pain of unconsciousness that would last the rest of our lives."- Marianne Williamson

Speaking of loss, the picture of the mirror above was a garage sale item I found for a buck and it's solid bronze. My youngest broke it on it's way into the home, my husband trashed it, I rescued and glued it and my daughter glittered it. I love it even more now. It contains a story and a context belonging to us with mystery from the owner before. It is lovely. Reflected within are the truths of messy mistakes glittering life and refracting with even more astounding beauty.

I have learned to accept my Stoic leanings but balance them with much needed Epicurean pursuits. I have found an explosion of magic and meaning, mystery and logic, and the paradox of beauty in darkness and light. Of course, those aspects were always in my life, but the Litha sun has basked them into full bloom.

Temperate weather has probably helped as our weather has been fluctuating between rain and sunshine and averages around 20 degrees C. On my front porch, which faces south, and is always about 7-10 degrees hotter, it is pure perfection for when I need heat, and I can walk off the deck for cooler temps. Which equals sensory delight. The wild roses are releasing my favourite fragrant scent and the bees are in abundance this year. I am in absolute awe of the nature surrounding me. 

I have taken the time to watch the gophers walk up to me curiously on hind feet, the birds chirp happily a few paces away, the ants busily making their nests...I have witnessed coyotes, buffalo, Canadian geese, deer, eagles, ravens, horses, cows, beavers and a snowy white owl...all in one weeks time. Oh and a frog the size of my hand standing in the middle of the road on a late night walk beneath the waning moon. These happenings have swept me away with gratitude for the wild place I belong to. 

Of course, aspects of my introverted self still suit winter, but I think I have become balanced enough to finally suit all seasons comfortably. And I am also ok with the fact that some years I will be drawn into differing seasons, but now as the wheel of the year turns, I am finding peace in what IS. "We do not grow absolutely, chronologically, we grow sometimes in one dimension and not in another or evenly. We grow partially. We are relative. We are mature in one room, childish in another, the past, the present, the future mingle and pull us backward, forward or fix us in the present. We are made up of layers, cells and constellations."- Anais Nin. 

I've reconnected with some beautiful friends from Jr/Sr. high school and discovered other connections that help round out other aspects of self. The world is full of beautiful people. Some suit us for parts of our journey while others need a break.

I've also severed some ties that encouraged me in my winter introversion, and admit-tingly supported me to be a bit of an intellectual snob at times (not a lot but there were a few fleeting realizations. Although that is completely on me as no one can force us to become what we are not.) Perhaps I was too concerned about being "frou frou" or lacking substance? I'm naturally deep so swimming in the shallow end is not something I am used to. Maybe I was shirking away from sunlight because I felt the shadows held more appeal? But life is BOTH yin and yang. I was not scrutinizing the downsides of thinking too much. Ha, maybe I am still thinking too much... I was holding on to things that held me back while also containing others. I took solace in being stoic all the time. Stoicism is still a beautiful and needed aspect of balanced living. Intellectual pursuits are worthy and wonderful. But there is something to be said for mysticism and innocence. As Harry Potter exclaimed with wonder, "I love magic!" Yes! The magic of BEING begets so many moments of ordinary bliss. If only we re- train ourselves to pay attention to the micro world. 

Ritual and spontaneity need a marriage of respect. I have recently discovered both in ways I did not behold before. We all have the power to create. We can create with our words because words are powerful entities on to themselves. They build worlds, challenge beliefs, strengthen resolve, and enable life. The invisible becomes visible with an utterance of a word. If that is not a bit of magic, then what is?

This Spring and Summer have taken us adventuring with the shadows behind us and the sun in our smiles. Moments of storms and light reflecting crystals. "No matter how thinly you slice it- there will always be two sides."- Baruch Spinoza.

 I hope that I will always find the light in the darkness and the beauty that can come with life's storms. But I also hope that I won't just let my sufferings define me. What tiny moonbeams or star flecked skies do I ignore because I am searching for the fireworks? I have had to ask myself whom I am without my cultural expectations of self, and whom am I without my suffering?

I have had two Lyme flares since the Spring but they have been fleeting. When they do come around I have asked myself to respect my body's demands, but to also not define myself from past flares. And when I do come out of a flare, to then quickly focus my gaze towards the micro world. The picture below I would have NEVER posted before without make up in a flare, but the sun healed and it was a symbolic moment of embracing what is and averting my gaze to what can BE. 

I have spent the last decade plus learning about sensory overload, boundaries, chronic illness symptoms and management, dyspraxia, learning disabilities, and my shortcomings. All of these were needed lessons and moments. I still plan on maximizing some of those truths learned in the future. But there is a time for whimsy, childlike belief and wonder. 

Each day I wake up with anticipation, eager to learn the lessons and joys of the gift of living. Not all seasons can be like this of course, I know that due to my own past of hardships, but when they do come, it is not a bad thing to celebrate the ordinary minuscule that often gets overlooked. There is so much wonder to behold. I have taken time to watch clouds roll by, feel the home made ice cream melt on my tongue with peppermint tang, sense the sun warming up my body from the outside in, watch the bees buzz in a flower, and stare at the rainbows made by window crystals. These are not wasted moments. I still get needed organizational aspects of life completed, but they are enriched by the micro magic.

What will people think if they catch you cloud watching or focusing dreamily on a flower? What will be their reaction when they witness contentment, magic, wonder or childlike actions? If you are worried that they will leave you based on this kind of living, why are they invited to witness your sacred life in the first place? Feed your soul the food of dreams and stories. After all, your story is your epic life. Your moments are now and they won't last forever.

"I know it's a drag, I know it's a grind. I know that a dollar ain't worth a dime. Just trying to keep up with the Joneses at the end of the block. I know you get tired, I know you get down. I know you get sick of this soul sucking town. Let's make a little lemonade if lemons is all we got 'Cause I'm stuck on you, you're stuck on me. I never gotta wonder where my honey be. I ain't saving all my sugar for a Saturday night. Seven days a week I got an appetite. Sunsets like a tangerine, let's find a road we've never seen. Don't waste another mile or a minute not kissing me. Life is short, make it sweet
Open sky, glimpse of heaven, take the top off the CJ-7. Let that surfside Santa Ana wind mess up your hair, And let that windshield frame the ocean, Radio keep coast-to-coasting, If we don't get where we're going baby I don't care. I'm already there. 'Cause I'm stuck on you, you're stuck on me
I never gotta wonder where my honey be. I ain't saving all my sugar for a Saturday night. Seven days a week I got an appetite. Sunsets like a tangerine, let's find a road we've never seen. Don't waste another mile or a minute not kissing me. Life is short, make it sweet. Days will be long but the years will fly right by. We'll never be as young as we are tonight. Baby ain't that right, yeah. 'Cause I'm stuck on you, you're stuck on me. I never gotta wonder where my honey be. I ain't saving all my sugar for a Saturday night. Seven days a week I got an appetite. Sunsets like a tangerine, let's find a road we've never seen. Don't waste another mile or a minute not kissing me. Life is short, make it sweet."- Old Dominion Lyrics

With deepest gratitude to dreams, stories built from magical words, mystery and the micro. May you find your little joys to sweeten daily life.

P.S. Happy Canada Day. 



Glynis said...

My favourite post so far!!
I think this was the " giving birth" the reading spoke of. Giving birth to this magical essence of you. It has gestated and now it's born.

I adore this full embodiment of your essence.
And I'm learning a lot.

Bonus. 😘


Anonymous said...

Hi K!
What a nice read! Thank-you!
Love you!!!- Cyndy

Kmarie said...

Glynis: Thank you!!! I think so too!!! It has been fabulous. So meaningful. I love magical essence - ha ha. Thank you so much- means a lot. I am always astounded I am aiding in someones learning- especially someone I learn from myself! So that is also very meaningful to me. :) xoxo

A Cyndy: Thank you! Glad you loved it. Love ya too!

S said...

This is such a relate-able post,( although I can relate to almost all of your posts!) I have been wondering and going through the same experiences myself. Thoughts about changes and renewal.
When you wrote ~ "What will people think if they catch you cloud watching or focusing dreamily on a flower? ....Feed your soul the food of dreams and stories " ~ I suddenly felt a shift within me. Things that I have been doing unconsciously, yes, those things may sound weird to certain people and I felt deeply hurt when I couldn't explain it. My elderly cousin used to mock me from childhood ( she also used harsh words and sarcastic tone ) saying that I am a "child philosopher" and she used to say - " I have done studying with you. I know your psychology " ( as if I have given her the task/right to read me psychologically:) as if people don't evolve !). Anyways, due to these reasons, we hide ourselves and shut down ourselves and stop doing things that naturally comes to us, including cloud watching. Well,thankfully, not anymore. No wonder, she is out of my life now.
And that broken mirror picture you posted, suddenly , I felt that if the mirror is broken then even the real thing will look distorted. Same with society with a broken mirror attitude. The candle is real ( it is just "is" nothing good or bad, ugly or beautiful) but the broken mirror reflected back a distorted/false image.
Change and renewal is so hard even if it brings rewards. It may leave us confused and resistant to change. It may make us slow. It may make us hard. But it is necessary. We have to be what we are meant to be, finally. One change can make us what we are not/what we don't like but another change will come and "change" that too !! Its an irony. And this is how we evolve, through irony, perhaps.
Thank you for writing this post and posting all the beautiful pictures !! They soothe my soul.

Ashe Skyler said...

All I can think of is "Well, they said gobs of planets in retrograde right now with a few eclipses would turn our lives topsy-turvy, and she seems to have surfed those waves just fine. Just like that Birth of Venus/Aphrodite painting."

I love all your sparklies! I'm a sucker for metalwork and coloured glass.

Amy said...

So much joy and delight - I have loved the unfolding and you deserve every single delight there is to be found. I love this for you!


Kmarie said...

S; I’m sorry your cousin did that but it sounds like you still surfaced as the beautiful person you are. Yes, so true - change and renewal are hard but needed. I am so glad the images were soothing . As I know you are going through your own adjustment phase of thinking of you a lot. Xo . I also liked your thoughts on the mirror - lovely πŸ’«πŸŒΏ❤️

Ashe; πŸ˜‚πŸ’«πŸŒΏI love that analogy! Ha ha I haven’t been coming lately unscathed but yea I just am staying grounded but embracing the micro as the chips fall and it seems to be working. I’m a sucker for metalwork and glass too and sparkles! They are also visually stimmy to me - I’m glad we share that too!

Amy; xoxo thank you! Yes even on the hard days there has been some joy and delight... it really has been a beautifully needed path. Thank you for being so supportive-oh and there is another home video via the usual ♥️πŸŒΏπŸ’«