Early Verbal "Precocious" Speech In Autism/Executive Functioning Fails in Language and Writing/ And Mutism

My executive functioning mishaps have been happening more often. It's sad for me because writing is the place I can often express myself best, but this last year, I have been unable to recall the words I want, even if the words are on the tip of my tongue. It is aggravating. I also can't seem to edit like I used to. It has always taken me a few reads after posting to catch most of the grammar and spelling mistakes...and punctuation and sentence structure will NEVER be my forte. I enjoy speaking in sentence fragments for some reason. Lately, I have been more appalled at mistakes I see when reading previous posts. I fix what I can.

I will always have weird sentence structure because in real life conversations, I also speak oddly. My husband says I sound like the tower of Babel. He says my multiple forays into differing accents (it's definitely not purposeful) and the curious ways I structure my sentences (often backwards) are always amusing.  It wasn't until season 2 of Shitt's Creek, when someone pointed out the Moria blended a bunch of accents together, that I realized her accent wasn't a typical accent. I talked like her and thought it was normal. I actually have to correct backwards sentences in most of my posts. And I still have them because it is my natural way of speaking. I put the subject matter in the opposite form that most do. I also learned most of my language by reading when I was young. I was self taught in many ways. I was an early speaker with full, adult sentences before the milestone ages. I sounded like an adult and often was treated older than I was. Which sometimes served me well but also caused issues with expectations. I was thought to be capable thus I had to find my own ways to work around my real struggles/ disabilities. This is often another sign of Autism which gets overlooked. See HERE for more. I still love to hear the sound of certain words, I love people who use challenging or "university level words" in books, and I can sometimes sound like I hail from another century altogether with my word usage.

When asked to describe how I talk, my husband replied, "Your voice is like a Siren and your speech drives me to irrational thoughts." The theory sounded sweet but I didn't understand what he was talking about so he finally clarified, "It's just so unique. I get to experience so many ways of Being through you and oddly they are all true. Your odd accents make you almost sound multi lingual. You have your own language. For instance when you tried to say 'Library' today you instead said 'Lib- rarey.' " This may be amusing to my husband but it's getting slightly scary for me. I've always had Autistic voice tics and different pronunciation or odd sentence structure...but having words sound different from what I think I am saying, while knowing what they should sound like often shocks me as much as it does my listeners. My memory recall for words I want is failing. I'm learning to laugh along with everyone else but when I am trying to get a thought out...well, let's just say I'm starting to sympathize deeply with Dementia and Alzheimer's patients. I will be staring at a glass, knowing I KNOW it's name, but instead I have to say, "Please pass me that vessel that holds water." It makes me sound even crazier but I try not to bring much attention to the fact that I am not getting my words out properly. As I did most of my life as an Autistic, for better or worse, I try to normalize. To pretend enough to get by or not draw too much attention.

So why do I write? This is my process. I encourage those not interested or frustrated to just skip it or skim it. There are years or posts that I practice concise, shorter writing. But other years or posts are about my process. Which is long, speedy, and already cut in HALF by the time it gets to the page. That's just who I am. Other Aspies have also blogged about this issue. We have so many internal thoughts rolling around, that we need an outlet. Often our outlets are writing or monologuing. Both of which we have received flack from the outside world on more than one occasion. I have never claimed to be a "professional writer." I am a writer, for myself because I engage in writing. I also then hope it can help someone who maybe had similar experiences. However, I am aware of my readers, thus at times I will go out of my way to edit a post in half, or in hindsight go back and make cuts and edits when I have more energy. In the end, this space is a healthy spot for me, to get out thoughts or words that I do not often have a forum for otherwise. Detailed writing provides an outlet for my mind. To have lost much of my writing ability this year has been quite the journey. I remind myself there are seasons to life. Some come back around. Some do not.

I understand accessibility and editing to the best that is possible. I do it in the ways that I feel I can. I have limited energy. Writing a long blog post often surprisingly restores my energy. However, I am finding it hard now to catch my mistakes. This communication derailment happened to my friend Cynthia (in this link.) Cynthia was WAY more articulate and professional than I could ever be- even at her lower communicative points. She taught me a lot. Currently, her lifestyle, stepping out of the blog and into the sensory living aspect of being, working with her hands in her garden ect, is teaching me that it is possible to still have forms of communication, even if my language does deteriorate. I am grateful to learn from her experiences. It makes me wonder if it is an experience that can happen more often to Autistics? Or hormones and phases? Or Autoimmune conditions?

I suppose this is my form of an apology and explanation for those who have caught it or those who want to keep reading. Right now, I still write for me and for those who have told me they needed to hear my words or that enjoy the odd ways I connect aspects of life ... Quirky and all that...

Currently I am reading with my family, "The Healthy Brain" by Aileen Burford - Mason. I am hoping that the diet, vitamin protocol, and suggestions can aid me on a path back to recollection, word formation, and sharper cognitive ability. But if it doesn't, as I have learned in other aspects of life, I am still worthy, I will still contribute to the world, I can still grow and become in new ways, and pursue love until my time is up. And if I can- you can too in most areas of life. Your struggles may be tougher or lesser but they all matter. There is a fine line walked between acceptance of what is and fighting for growth and what could be. In all areas of life we have the chance to become MORE but to also accept our own BEING. It's that line between laziness and too much doing. Between giving up and holding on too tightly. Between being too conservative and being too liberal. The line we all face between dark and light...and often I do best in the gray where some prefer not to go...or in fact judge and deem unworthy.

For those who have followed my journey you know that I recently broke up with my former best friend. (Posts found HERE and HERE.) I feel this ties in to this post because recently we bumped into each other at the Dentist's. I knew we would, because I had a warning dream the night before, thus I was prepared. It was easy actually. We fell into comfortable chatter immediately. It felt like home in many ways. I thought at one point, "Oh I have missed hearing her voice. Maybe we could occasionally hang out and it would work easily enough." But then, walking away later, I was immensely happy that we quit while we were still wishing each other well. I realized that girl I wondered about a few weeks ago...ME without her...well, she is a better person than I ever realized. I am liking the new version of me. I am freer. I have more energy, more of an ability to give, I am tapping into parts of myself that I squelched a bit on behalf of her...or forgot about. I am also able to give more time to my husband. He describes me as a lighter being. However, I still credit her with many beautiful contributions to my life, I can still see us being occasional friends in the future or a morphed version of what we were, but I CAN NOT see us ever going back to what we were before. Nor do I wish to.

We still talk to each other with the same excitement and respect. I do believe we really love each other. We are just not meant to journey with each other the way we were before. I read a quote that says, "You gotta be mature enough to understand that you have some toxic traits too. It's not always the other person." I can't speak for her, but I know that recognizing my own part and role in our separation made it a lot easier.  Plus, I am an INFJ whose personality gets memes like this one below:

I know I care and cared (past tense) but my care no longer is what it was. Some aspects of life change forever, some become more or less, and some circle back around. But I don't have to convince myself that I don't care anymore. In many ways I don't care. I don't care to know what she is doing, or her thoughts on everything or what she thinks of me anymore. But I DO care that she is alive and that I loved her and still do in a different way. 

It has been another lesson to me that changes that we often fear, can sometimes be surprisingly good. I feared losing her for years. I thought I would feel panicky often, sad even more so, and alone and unsupported. For the most part, I actually feel the opposite. Not because she was bad...but because we were already on a path to deconstruction and we were enabling each other in many ways. But I couldn't have known any of that until we were both brave enough to face our own paths and truths. That is also why she was one of my better halves for many years...because she also knew when to walk away and choose boundaries, be seasonal, or when to quit, stop, and choose alternative paths. We both understood that life is not linear. Which also makes us good partners in breaking up too. As I walked away I was on a high. I was relieved our first outing was easy and amiable. I was happy that I am who I am now without her but also partially BECAUSE of her. I was grateful. I liked that I no longer owed her my opinions, thoughts, my giving, my loyalty or any sort of self giving I used to give. While I owed her kindness, gratefulness and the love I truly have within, I did not need to go beyond. I was free and so was she.

The lesson is not lost on me. If I loose my articulation while living, life will find another way for communication and connection. I can not fear what is not fully mine to hold on to. Or what may not come to pass or has a lot of time left until it does. I may as well enjoy and be grateful for what is left. Yet, at the same time, while it is still in my life, it is not bad to fight to hold on to it either. Or to fight for alternative ways of being or overcoming or going around, under, sideways or beyond. Whatever... Life may also bring beautiful changes when we let go of what is already beautiful but needs to morph. A caterpillar is intriguing and so is a butterfly. Both are wonderful ways of being in the world. I would assume the caterpillar as a butterfly probably valued both phases…or maybe not, but often, what we fear as a step down, sometimes is exactly what brings unexpected gifts…even if no one else sees it but ourselves. Sometimes we need to be almost forced out of what we see as bliss, to discover more potential, beauty or connection. Or to see those who are truly in our lives for the long haul in a different way…or to find new people to enhance our lives and to enhance theirs as well?

MUTISM:

Sometimes, Autistics who are verbally competent become mute. It doesn't happen to me often but sometimes, if the stresses add up, I stop talking. Once my youngest asked if he would have to learn sign language. I smiled and shook my head but could not explain in words. My daughter was strangely in tune with my non vocal language. She knew everything I was communicating through out the day and kept the house running, stuck to my side even though she was also fighting a cold. My middle child kept saying phrases like, "I don't get it...you can talk but you just choose not to or you will never talk again? What exactly is going on?" It was cute but even then I had no words. They were gone. Poofed out of my brain. So my daughter placated with, "No no she will talk again. Sometimes this happens...don't you remember? But not often and not usually this long. She will be fine. Besides she is talking...just not with words." Seriously, how did I get so lucky with my kids?

For months previous to this incident, I had my hands full dealing with various grieving individuals, a chemical induced Jekyll and Hyde, rage on innocents, and barely keeping my health and family together. Allow me to state, that between these stressful times we had a healthy quota of beautiful, lovely, and wonderful moments. It wasn't all bad. But I WAS juggling and it was only a matter of time before I broke. It was coming for over a year. I tend to break over smaller things when I do break. 

I was watching the way the light played off of my perfume bottles. For over an hour. An empty screen sitting in front of me. I couldn't type, listen to music or do ANYTHING. For a moment I wondered what was wrong with me. Why couldn't I seem to speak? What nonsense was this? Many friends kept checking in and I could not speak to any of them. My autistic friend asked what she could do, and in a moment of clarity I realized what was happening. Autistics can be prone to mutism at times. It's called shutdown. I was in shutdown mode. So I asked her to write me up a paragraph I could give to others and she came back with this:

"Sometimes when autistic people experience a large amount of stress, they experience shutdowns. Shutdowns are stress responses resulting from a severely overloaded nervous system. Shutdowns often result in unresponsiveness, sluggishness, and inability to speak and use words. It often also causes intense sleepiness. This is because the brain is trying to "reboot" itself after having too much to deal with. Trying to pressure an autistic person to speak or respond when they feel incapable of doing so only increases the stress on the brain. Typically, the best response is giving them space and letting them recover in a dark room."

I realized I have had shutdown before. Usually due to illness or sensory overload. My husband knows when I am really sick because I fall absolutely silent. I also get smaller versions of it when too many people are in my life or at group functions. Even too many people texting or phoning. I won't answer or I will keep it to smiling faces emojis because I can not handle a lot of people and voices. But there have been a few moments in life when stressful circumstances also brought on shutdown. My miscarriage was one. When I started to recover from that loss I listened to Daniel Powder "Bad Day" song on repeat over and over and over again while driving around with my toddlers in the back seat because that was all I could do in recovery mode.

https://crabbycentaur.wordpress.com/2015/03/06/shutdown-what-it-is-and-what-it-isnt/
As the author puts in the link above shutdown IS resilience ( I will highlight a few parts of her post below):

"What Shutdown IS NOT:
*A sign that I have had an easy life... my shutdowns do not make me ‘sheltered’a sign that I need to learn more ‘techniques’ or ‘cant handle stress’– a suggestion I often find quite offensive as I am one of the most skilled people I know at using the tools, techniques and resources at my disposal. My life is stressful not because I ‘can’t handle it’ but because I was born with a sensitive system into an period of history and location where sensory and social input are extremely noisy and demanding. I am probably better at handling stress than most people without my neurology, because I do it every single day to a very high standard.

*Post-traumatic dissociation – this happens to me too, but is different in quality (is often accompanied by self-harming thoughts, and is more of a panic-stricken freeze than an exhausted shut down) a sign that I am autistic, and that life is sometimes just overwhelming and difficult for me.

What Shutdown IS:
When I shutdown, this is my brain enforcing a break, catching me up, giving me time out, or whatever. It also signals that I might need help from others. a coping technique in itself. If I didn’t shut down my body would continue being hyper-stimulated and the results would not be good.

*It is a natural coping technique...

*A sign that I am connected to my body enough to know that enough is enough... especially when I am able to predict a shutdown coming on before it has hit by taking notice of the bodily signs (this is a skill I am building and means I am more often able to get into a safe place — but it doesn’t stop it actually happening)." (taken from HERE.)

I loved the point about Autistics handling stress better than most. I am an expert at stress. It may not seem like it, but because of my neurology I deal with high levels, even IN my home, on a daily basis. Thus, I am fairly resilient. In fact, my closest friends and family know that when I break- I fully crack, but that my repairs begin the moment the break has happened. In other words, I bounce back. I find my stride quite fast even when devastated. I am stubborn and hard shelled. I am also sensitive with a gooey centre. Both at once. It’s quite frustrating when someone undermines my coping strategies or wisdom, assuming I do not have the coping skills that I have worked my butt off to have in my arsenal. ha ha. Anyway, life is still life. WE are the sum of our parts and choices. Some we ask for, some we naturally can't shake. I am Autistic which is both beauty and struggle. Thus, I WILL shutdown for the sanity of my mind on occasion.

I finally spoke late that evening. My husband smiled and said, "Ah my love I missed the sound of your voice." I think I scared him a bit. But, the shutdown mutism episode enabled my brain to heal from months of abuse. It wasn't about the truck. Being a victim when I was already a victim of chemical induced rage from someone else out of the blue and then having a stranger sweep in on the scene to make me a victim again, triggered the shutdown. It wasn't a choice. It was how my brain deals. I easily moved on after that and of course it helped to have our tools recovered a few hours later. By "easily moved on" I mean that I realized I can lose it all but still be ME. I gained a bit of perspective. I made a plan I could handle. I tracked down needed supports. A day later I wondered what song was going to get me through this time...and suddenly the lyrics started running through my mind, "Ain't nothing gonna break my stride, nobody gonna slow me down. Oh no. I got to keep on movin' "

I will break. I have broken. It's untrue that nothing will break my stride...but my hope is that I will eventually keep on moving until the day I move onward past life itself.

Being Autistic has taught me more about finding alternative ways to many aspects of living. Adaptation. Acceptance. Change. Cognitive therapy has taught me stoicism even though a large part of me is the opposite way. Paradoxes. Holding two opposing beliefs within and being authentically true to both. Spirituality. Enjoyment. Suffering... All these have been brought home to me with Autism as well is Chronic Illness. So perhaps this is a new stage or maybe it will pass quickly and be a memory? (Well if I get those back...ha ha.) And if not, well, I lived, I used this forum to my best ability, and I still became. So thank you for ignoring the parts that are flawed, embracing them or enjoying in spite of them, if you are here to read. I felt I needed to express that with a heartfelt thanks.

 "I'm celebrating this life I've been given from now on...It feels good don't it? Livin' your life in this quick moment, and you never, ever think it's gonna go away, but I swear one day you'll wake up and say yea I go things to do, Yea I got mountains to move...Come on and sing- It feels so good to be alive."- Megan Trainor lyrics

Song Choice: Good to be Alive- Megan Trainor



Don't Speak- No Doubt