Tuesday, November 10, 2015

Women like Me...We "Drown Oceans."

*This is a post for me on my birthday week. A post I would have written on my private blog to get out thoughts. It has secret references and points most will not understand unless they have a soul like mine. This is written solely for me and the few readers who it resonates with. I dedicate this to the original blog girls and to Nyssa, Glynis, Sangha, Rachel, Kirstin, Hillary Rain, Amy, Keren, Sara and Shelley O. *



My husband often calls me a witch in the most flattering tone. He says it with reverence and slight believing, to the point I almost think that I am. I know he is sensing the muchness in me. He is seeing what most do not or would see as negative. "Women like you drown oceans"- Rupi Kaur. Instead of insulting this pleases the type 4w5 (enneagram personality) heart. I know how to contain my oceans to cause the least harm.


 I keep dreams coiled beneath my bones and passion flows through my blood like a river. He starves my fears and I feed his freedom. My mantra is to have the grace to accept all walks of life but this does not mean to accept abuse. This grace to accept is also for myself. I need to accept the beauty and grace given to me in order to accept it in others. 



My husband says I scare him a little in the best possible way. He says I remind him of  LIFE. He does not take me for granted for the soul fire I am. Nor do I take his calming tonic for granted. He sees the fire in my eyes and instead of running or challenging he wants to play with it.


 I accept my capability for darkness. I know my type of darkness and know what I can do. I do not feel my type of darkness is a threat but I do believe we all have capabilities inside our souls. I accept mine. This means that I am not a Snow. I am more of a Season 3 Regina. A reference only Once Upon a Timers will get. My husband often says, "She is you..." (after season two of course and her balancing of light love.) I'm a force to be reckoned with and I will get past my feelings to do what is necessary.


Sensing the shadows and becoming part dark and light I feel rejected by most of culture that embraces the lies and is believed by the masses. Yet, also I see beauty in them. I simply do not want to partake of it. I am a commotion, an ocean, waves upon waves of lavish water that can drown or quench. I often burn to brightly for this world. It can cause pain.


I know I am great and I feel that is resented. But the women and men who don't resent this are my fellow fires or my calming tonics. They are strong and true. I have had many try and break me. For a moment I shattered but this was simply because I am already beautifully broken. I break myself more than most and NO ONE can dish out the challenges I give myself. I need no one who tries to do this to me because I can be my own worst enemy. But I am also my greatest advocate after a long journey of being less than I should be.

I wrestle daily with disability. My paradoxes. Dealing with disability ever balances and softens the side that believes so much in my muchness. I know I am worthy and have fought years to believe in that. I have everything going for me and yet nothing at all...and in this I am free. For some reason this tempts people to interrupt my greatness. Don't.

"She is the phoenix who has risen from the ashes to which she has been reduced, this time wiser, stronger, and more powerful in her own right. She is the fire. Looking for someone to warm…to enlighten…but never to burn…she is a bird in flight, that one can only see if they believe in her…she cries tears that can heal wounded hearts, souls, and bodies in her rising she is cautious and aware of her own vulnerability yet still just as inquisitive and observant as she ever was ...she is a little dark and very mysterious. But will not omit truth and overlooks nothing. Contrary to the shallow minds of the world she is alive. She does exist. She is the phoenix and she has risen again…" K.W. G.


 Because I will stand my ground once I return to ash.  I deal with pain like a Phoenix. I will crumble and be destroyed at first, but then I will rise more beautiful and stronger than before.
 I know I am ash. I also know I am beauty.




 I live life on my own terms due to great privilege and freedom...yet it is also due to great heartache and choices. I am aware and ever grateful of this dichotomy. It's a humble sort of rising from my terrible depths to the beauty of my surfaces.

*Quote above by Warsan Shire*


 I'm something not everyone knows how to love. That used to stick to my bones. I have had moments where I thought it would be easier to disguise the brilliance in me...the brilliance each one of us owns but feels we should hide. I realized I can not make homes out of human beings...only a home for myself.  I have tried being "normal." I have dealt in depth with different religions, stances and perceptions of life that were not mine to be...and I found chains.
 I do not believe I am above anyone but I believe I am individualistic and free. Freedom has a bit of grey. My own beauty does not diminish any other, but it IS my own to celebrate.
 Caging me is the most disruptive action anyone can take against me. I will break the cage and possibly the person trying to cage me. When the metal strikes they may find themselves on the ground crumpled under the iron forced by their own hands. It's not a threat- simply what happens. For the most part, I am safe.
 I am worth it and I'm not afraid to be on my own. We each have a choice to stand up, grow up, show up or get up and leave. I allow people to leave. It's the ultimate belief in freedom. But I also ask of those I love to show up, grow up (but not out of childlike wonder- just grow up in boundaries and grace) or stand up. I ask of myself this the most.

 Some people need to be told what to do. In order to be free they need to follow a leader. I am not that person. I drown oceans. I contain multitudes. I find myself in places not many have been before. I find myself in thought patterns and abstracts that most in their lifetimes do not entertain. For me these can change in a matter of minutes. I'm a glorious mess.
Within all this, I know I am perfectly imperfect. I am ok with my flaws and believe most of them enhance who I am. This soul flies. This soul drowns. This soul IS. In disasters we find the rawest forms of simple beauty. We catch the fragile pieces and find hope spark.



My darkness sparkles. My love crackles. I wander off the edges of the world.


*My husband dedicated the song 'Every Woman' By Garth Brooks to me:)but it's not on youtube due to copyright...so he said to put on Brad Paisley's' Everything' for this post:





My daughter suggested this song after I read this post out loud...my lovely little firecracker...For me this song is the opposite...I am a pearl but I used to be a shell of myself...allowing others to snuff out my light or say who I am is wrong. Then I woke up.:


10 comments:

Shelley. O. said...

Absolutely amazing and thought provoking - I have an image in my mind of myself as someone akin to Charlotte in Charlottes Web, quiet, gray but able to change lives with a carefully spun word or two. That 'spideriness' can be seen in the way I quietly wait in the corner, spinning perceptions while weaving my own world. Some of the threads are sticky and dangerous but most of them anchor me and keep me safe - anyway, I am honoured to be included and I thank you for your trust.

My Little Warriors said...

love love LOVE your soul!!! ❤❤❤

Kmarie Audrey said...

S.O.- Thank you. I see that in you! Yes charlotte...you do carefully spin your words into beauty.You do weave your own world and I adore it! I love that sentence " Some of the threads are sticky and dangerous but most of them anchor me and keep me safe" oh my goodness! Such beautiful imagery! I am honoured to share your trust too and that you include me in your circle:)

MLW: and I yours:) xoxo

S said...

Thank you for sharing this post. You mentioned about this being your Birthday Week, I don't know when it is but I want to wish you Happy Birthday in advance !
Thank you for looking deep within yourself. I can see that we have so much self awareness, maybe it is a significant trait of being an introvert. Introverts are self aware and they are always searching within their own soul (instead of looking for validation from the outside world )to understand themselves. We are aware of both the dark and light in us whereas most just see only one part/one side of themselves.
Sometimes, the dark part makes us more grounded. We know that there can be no light without darkness. We understand the value of both. Sometimes, the darkness has shown me light.
If I could explain myself more here but I would just say that we are complex beings...wild,passionate,compassionate...both this and that too...often contradicting ourselves...and that makes us whole ...I have never understood how a person can be only this or that...I have always been both...
The only way I see this whole adventure ahead of us is that we are becoming as mysterious as life itself...I don't know how to put it in proper words but that's the way I see it.
take care,

Kmarie Audrey said...

S:
Thanks for the birthday wishes!
I do think introverts are often self aware.....and that searching aspect is crucial to self understanding...
I loved this part of your comment "Sometimes, the dark part makes us more grounded. We know that there can be no light without darkness. We understand the value of both. Sometimes, the darkness has shown me light. " YES! a resounding yes! I have always been both too...

I love your words...this being my favourite:" the only way I see this whole adventure ahead of us is that we are becoming as mysterious as life itself."- profoundly exquisite!

nyssa said...

A belated Happy Birthday! and wow, yes, this post. from one scorp to another who really gets this post, thank you. we're a lot alike. as you know :) love to you xoxo ♥

Kmarie Audrey said...

Nyssa:Thanks:) Yes I knew you would get it!:) We ARE a lot alike:)
Love to you too xo

FlutistPride said...

I'm a 4w5 myself. I think the 4w5 theme song is 2.75 by Laura Shigihara.

Kmarie Audrey said...

@flutistPride : Sorry I missed this comment before! Hello fellow 4w5!

FlutistPride said...

Disregard that, I'm an 8w7. I mistyped. I still think 2.75 is reminiscent of the 4w5, though.

"I am fed up,
Keep my head up.
I'll be fine as long as I'm alive 'cause
Someday I know that I will be free."