The monologue whispered in starts and stops to my captive audience of one. I was mostly unaware that I was being witnessed because I had to stare at a metal dot above the presence hovering beneath. It was a new method called Spot Therapy I was encouraged to try. The audience was captive because I was paying him to be, yet he was also familiar. As a child he was a neighbour much younger then I, that I occasionally looked out for. Now in an odd twist of fate he was looking out for me.
My first thought was, “Life is strange and the moments of coinciding serendipity can be so odd.” It took a few minutes to get over the weirdness of it all, but I felt my other two therapists were right. Talk therapy for 19 years could only do so much. It was time to access the back part of the brain, backed up by the science and research on a MRI, to deal with subconscious triggered trauma that occurred mostly in my twenties but a few childhood experiences as well.
Oddly, this progressive scientific process was being done in a church. Yet, I was paying good money for it. When previously my other therapy was in a clinical setting for free. It all felt rather upside down. A wonderland induced to find my muchness. It suited my path.
For once, I didn’t have as many words at the ready, but the small bursts of soliloquy to myself were both perplexing and profound. I felt silly at first, but over the time spent almost alone, yet witnessed, I was shocked to find a few tears slipping down my face. I didn’t feel overall emotional, and I’m not prone to cry in front of others unless enraged or confused. My dramatic discourse no longer felt dramatic in the negative sense of the word. It felt real… yet strangely othered … like a bubble was wrapped around trying to puncture my subconscious. My brain almost felt tired and itchy. The tears were coming from a place in the back of my brain that I was not fully aware of.
The compassionate witness gently spoke, startling me from my reverie, “Tears are common. In fact it’s rare not to experience them when the process is working. They are almost a visceral response from the brain body connection. Can you tell me what you’re feeling in your body?”
I was used to telling everything I’m thinking or feeling. 19 years of regular therapy will do that to a person. But speaking accurately about what my body is doing at an exact moment? As an autistic person I am both insanely in tune with my body and completely out of touch with it. It’s a frustrating paradox. Panic attacks from smells seem ridiculous in hindsight. Under reacting to a broken foot is disjointed. I usually process AFTER the incidents happening to my body or I bury the memories and kill off any lingering feelings with determined diligence. To be asked what I was feeling in my body, in practical terms, felt like a complex math test. At times, during the process, I thought, “Great, something else I am incapable of doing. I can’t even engage in spot therapy properly because I’m thinking too much. This isn’t working.” Yet when I spoke those words out loud while staring at a metal dot, immediately a breakthrough happened. On the heels of doubt and honesty, a shift of consciousness happened. I couldn’t explain it… I still can’t. The process was not fully finished in one session but something both scientific and mysterious happened.
Faith feels like that. Mystical and practical. Mixed.
“We aren’t really taught to value little things in our world or to be faithful in them. From the close of our childhood, we are taught to reach for the stars, to trust and value those who accomplish big things. As if the bigness of an accomplishment, an audience, a sales figure, a degree, an idea proves their worth. Trust what is big, follow what is mighty and successful, give everything to become this too. I must confess I hesitated to open this chapter with the story about motherhood because so often the insight culled from the care of children is seen, even by those who think they value it, as too small for universal application or spiritual insight. But Jesus claimed, and lived, the opposite , I mean, obviously, he said the kingdom of heaven was made up of those who had hearts like children. But he also and almost continually refused the importance, the bigness and visibility, that we seem to think is so vital for influence or significance in the modern world .” (Pg. 134)
The above quote is by Sarah Clarkson from her new book “Reclaiming Quiet,” which I have happily devoured twice. This has often been my trajectory in life- a battle between being seen and then submitting to the small. Pursuing those like me, the misfits and misunderstood and often tough to love. The ones drawn into my story because they want a witness too, for a brief moment. The ones, the world, including the Christian world often, look at in a Nietzschean mindset. Purposefooled people. I don’t have any accolades nor can my story be shared in a way that shows any lasting impact. Yet, I can state, after years of wrestling and lasting moments of deep, fulfilling (sometimes lonely at first) quiet that I am immersed in the presence of that I AM. I’m in good company and perhaps it’s not meant to fit in or feel comfortable most days? Perhaps each encounter is a season? The hurt done is normal, yet dramatic each time. The glory given is a holy hush. It’s a Both/And situation. One does not negate the other.
“I’ve been reading the gospel of John each morning before sitting down to write this book, and I’ve been amused and a little disturbed in myself for how often Jesus confounded his disciples, and all the people who loved him by his refusal to walk the paths of influence or visibility that everyone thought he should. They kept on thinking he would in someway, storm the gates of power. They kept waiting for him to declare his authority and more in such a way that he could rally an army to his aid. And he… Healed grungy, desperate people, and told him to keep it a secret. He spoke in parables that children might love but the adults misunderstood, ducked out of sight, and went up on lonely mountains by himself. He cuddled children and went to houses of ill repute and pursued powerless people.” (Pg. 135 Reclaiming Quiet, Sarah Clarkson)
The author points out, that after the feeding of the five thousand, a power filled moment, when many probably thought it was regime changing stuff… Jesus basically hid. “And thus, they couldn’t king him or force him upon him a power he did not seek or approve. This follows a series of little dramas to leave those who follow Jesus confounded in their notions of influence and power and belief.” (Pg. 135 Reclaiming Quiet, Sarah Clarkson)
Often I’m immersed in a soft soliloquy, unaware of my audience. Yet, this audience is in me, around me, immersed and saturated in my Being- if I only choose to see this fact. The Spirit of Three, is still there, even if I don’t choose to see. My life is much muchier with sight. The wonderland suddenly feels "right" or at least righteous upside down. The sense that was nonsensical is now made noble, pure and true. “In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God. He was with God in the beginning. Through him all things were made; without him nothing was made that has been made. In him was life, and that life was the light of all mankind. The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it.” John 1:1-5
Established in one sentence is an interconnected relationship. The life of ALL mankind. Are three in one in every single bit of ALL of creation? In all things Good? Surrounding us with no end and beginning? And if so, is this life coming gently through the whole universe? Even in unbelievably atrocious people is there a thread of potential light? (My answer would be a resounding YES!)
Is everything God? NO. But is there a consistent union yet…distinction? I believe so … and in the moments of solitude I can taste and see…
The other side to this freedom, also means that I, as a unique person, can choose to turn the flow of God and all that is Good … to evil. Yet, out of the love of a Triune God- came life, each one of us encompassed within a trinitarian unity … but with a choice. Life always has an element of The Light, but life lived without love, can choose to dwell in a moment of dark. Yet, I’m loved so much, I am encompassed by this Force that is willing to endure all things, For and WITH me, so I can become more of a fully fledged person- dwelling in light even while suffering… This applies to the Christmas seasons that are pictures from Courier and Ives or chapters of Faust. Obviously, my wish would be for each reader, that the Courier and Ives picture print is more of an accurate depiction.
The goodness I choose to see, is often shaped by small moments of solitude interconnected with intentional community. My Beauty is made GOOD by a Refiner’s fire of quiet and relationship. A Peace that transcends all understanding where the North Star beckons. I often get chills on my arms picturing the angels in the field by night beckoning a messy birth.* The supernatural mixing with shepherds covered in the smell of earth and sheep dung. Sanctified. A vulnerable baby celebrated while also being hunted. Tender mixed with the tough. The mess does not negate the beauty.
"For unto us a child is born." May you feel that blessed encompassing good this Christmas and know you are not alone, even if it feels like the end of all things.
Song Choice (See Below) Silent Night - Journey to Bethlehem - Lecrae and Fiona Paloma - movie scene Journey To Bethlehem - The Nativity Song (Lecrae, Fiona Palomo) (Movie Scene) ft. Lecrae
* Some Religious peoples or Christian’s may not like the above clip or movie, due to some inaccuracy and cute cheesy moments, but I feel the heart of it is accurate- I love the musical “ Journey to Bethlehem.” Not only is there a gorgeous song of Mary singing “Mother to A Saviour and King,” but there is a moment where Lecrae appears with the angels in the field and sings “ Fall on your knees, oh hear the angels voices.” And every single time I get teary and goosebumps. Because that moment would have been even more miraculous in real life! How amazing!!! In a sense, that moment is even sometimes offered to me in the ordinary. How astounding and humbling is that?!?!?!
