A Stage Given

When a life becomes more public, privacy becomes even more sacred. At least… it  feels that way to an INFJ perhaps? INFJ personality types can seem so social, but they need an epic amount of processing and downtime. The art of being quite open communicatively while keeping key factors to themselves is a strength. It’s an ever balance between sacred community and sacred alone time. Thus, why I have not really written on this page. I have thought about it multiple times, but what was there to say that I haven’t already said? Life tends to run in a spiral. We revisit and rework aspects of our lives back-and-forth. Sometimes we have sufficient growth in an area whilst in others we have no change to really  measure at all. 

I have been on a literal stage of life, not just a figurative one, for the first time in twenty plus years. It has taken an extra dose of courage, self esteem buffering, and a willingness to learn new skills and be part of a team. More so, I have re- discovered a missing part of my self that I almost forgot… I love singing with other people. I live for music and it’s shown in every aspect of my being, but I forgot that performing music takes a different approach and meaning. 

Also, some full circle moments have manifested for me on a level of dreams coming true. It may be on a small stage, but it’s a stage nonetheless. My ten year old self would be in awe that not only could I sing “Diamonds are A Girls best Friend,” but I also got to channel Marilyn Monroe to sing; "Happy Birthday Mr. President" because my husband was playing president Rosevelt for his birthday. My 14 year old self would love that I got to play a nun and a working girl in the same show. Honestly growing up those were the two extremes I loved encompassing in plays … the harlot and the pious person… I can’t explain my odd polarities in drama preferences. Actually, I can. I grew up on musicals and 1940s films were my favourite. Sound of music made me want to become a nun (the spiritual is the biggest facet of my life) and everything else made we wish to be the most desired woman or at least the woman in the show who got to wear the sparkliest outfit. My childish autistic brain did not understand the other nuances involved. I simply saw someone who was pretty or sparkly or who could wear pretty things and I wanted to BE that gal.

This last year I also got to be a Brooklyn Newsie. It was a small role to most, but to me, it was another dream ticked off my box. This helped prove to me age can be relative to a degree on stage ( and at the same time can really matter in how old one looks…luckily there is the magic of make up/ hair/ costume etc!) All of my family except my eldest son has been in the Arts with me. My eldest son has been our biggest cheerleader and keeper of the home whilst he works for his tuition. He has a lovely voice and I hope he can join us one day. The family aspect has been incredible. I struggled so much as a young mom even though I adored motherhood. Now motherhood is encompassing the best of both worlds. Having my family journey through my childhood dreams sometimes feels surreal. I never wanted to be famous and have all the downfalls of that, but I always admired the musical existence in the films I watched. I loved the costumes, the dancing, the music, the romance, the dreamy otherworld happiness, the innocence captured and the almost heavenly peace with the fairytale ending.

This upcoming December I get to sing an Amy Grant Christmas song while being in a vintage 1940’s dress! I get to channel my inner Peggy Carter style and the actress stylings of Audrey Hepburn and  Judy Garland. My grade five soul was obsessed with all the above plus Amy Grant’s Christmas album. I have her red sweater album cover embedded in my memory. I would sing her songs to my frosted window hoping for a dreamy future. The future I seem to have in this moment...

 It’s unreal to me, that these things are happening naturally in my life that fit perfectly into my autistic obsessions in childhood and beyond. Sometimes it feels like I’m on a smaller episode of Glee. THAT is a dream come true. It’s cheesy, it’s sweet, it’s dramatic, it’s ridiculous, it’s hard work and sometimes it’s a moment that is so blissfully beautiful I can’t help but wonder when the slushie in the face is going to happen. I feel younger, healthier and more beautiful than I ever have. 

I had to grieve those years of loss due to health in my thirties. My twenties were full of ill health, depression and figuring out self… in my thirties I finally found health hacks that worked for my multiple diagnoses. I also lost my singing voice for almost a decade due to Lyme disease and my thyroid nodule issues (named Raspby for those who recall that ten year journey!) The best I could sing was a few Disney lullabies to my children. If I sang along to songs my voice would hurt so I stopped singing. This was incredibly sad for someone who lives her life like a musical - even in the tough times. It was such a loss. Then It was embarrassment and shame because when I started to sing again… the voice being a muscle and receiving extreme damage as well… things were not the same. They still aren’t. 

With a lot of encouragement from friends, I decided to try out for the play this last year because my friend Darta asked me to sing in this upcoming Christmas concert a whole year earlier… Because she believed in my voice and wanted me to have fun with it. My eyes fill up with tears just thinking about that request. Initially, I said a straight out no. But then I thought about it and prayed about it and felt like it was the right direction for me. Another friend of mine suggested that I try for the local play which was Newsies, to see if I even enjoy being on the stage before I commit to singing a solo… my family and I literally signed up the night before final auditions and the rest is history. 

My voice is still my most insecure part of myself because I’m learning to accept it for what it is, instead of what it once was. I’m also learning to train it in the capacity of what it can handle instead of where I want it to be… It’s an ever balancing act of pushing and relaxing into what my specific body can handle. But in all of that, it is not lost on me of the value of  community healing. Which is tough but also inspires belief and support. There are people who allow me to be part of their group despite my limitations. People who hear my voice and think it’s sufficient enough to perform or be in a group setting even if it is on a small community scale. This keeps me in consistent gratitude. Getting my voice back has been a team effort involving many friends coming alongside to encourage, help, challenge, train, and just believe in me. My voice is not mine alone. It is a voice made by many people. I may not love it yet, but I’m still going to use it.  It shows me that community is such a key point to healing and growth. I cherish the many gifts each of these people have invested. More than anything I wanna give back by being disciplined enough and hopefully giving a bit of talent to our collective endeavours and definitely their cheerleader as well. I love play read throughs. I especially love music rehearsals once the music is familiar. I love listening to people act and sing. I love contributing to what I can.

Recently, my daughter and I went with two incredible friends to Broadway’s MJ the musical. I think it’s up there with Wicked for me which is stating a lot! I was swept away. I was moved to tears.  I was awe of the  dancing and singing, and how accurate to Michael Jackson it was… Another one of my autistic obsessions was Michael Jackson. In the play, there was a line by Quincy Jones stated to Michael Jackson, “you are a divine vessel for the music. You have to listen to the music and allow it to come forth with you as a divine vessel.“ Or something to that effect. Immediately my eyes filled up with tears as this resonated. We are divine vessels of so many things. How lucky that right now music gets to be part of my vessel

I struggle with ageing. I have since I was four. I think it’s mostly an Aspie’s (Autistic person) aversion to change combined with the sensory of uncomfortable body adjustments … Each age I’ve been, I’ve dreaded aging more. So honestly, with that in mind, if someone was to tell me that I would feel better than I ever have at the age that I am now- I would have not have believed them. Nor would I have believed I could regain a few aspects of my youth in reverse. While it’s not at a Benjamin Button level- it still feels like an immense privilege I do not want to take for granted. Life can be so unexpected. I’ve learned that in grief and death, but it’s kind of awesome to learn it in a good way too. The tides can turn at any point. I know this from experience. I’ve been trapped in my body limitations before and probably will again. Yet right now, I’m having the bodily freedom I enjoyed as a teen combined with more awareness. That is a gift I refuse to take for granted. I will try while I am able to use what I have. as an offering and opportunity. Despite sometimes feeling woefully inadequate and definitively lacking. I’m still insecure and messy- but I also know what it is like to not have anything to give. Even if my voice is not what I want it to be or spectacular- it is mine to use and give and work on. I will use it while I can in the ways I am given. I will believe in grace and possibility. I will hope it inspires something or contributes in some way. Overall, I promise to feel grateful for what IS given, in all that is good, RIGHT NOW. 

This last year was the first birthday where I did not wake up DREADING the day. I struggle with birthdays for myself. I don't generally know what to do with them or how to celebrate me. However, with a bit of prayer an idea came to my daughter, hubby and I to invite the people who happen to be in town and I trust the most (unfortunately the out of towners could not be included in this) to have a lovely night of appetizers and iced caramel machiattos. Included was the idea to have a few heartfelt deep questions to discuss. Most were centered on everyone but two questions regarding me were "How do you see the birthday girl and what makes the birthday girl smile?" My daughter recorded the answers and they were astounding to me! I was in choked up mode the entire time. It was almost difficult to be the center that way, but my soul was nourished. I also arranged to sing a duet with each of them to a song that was special to each of us. It was beautiful, vulnerable and a culmination of years of communication, dedication and love. I went to bed with a smile so big on my face my cheeks were aching. THAT was what Bilbo meant when he stated, "It is no small thing to celebrate a life." After 40 years I finally understand a bit about true self worth, belonging and celebrating whom I was created to be. God makes beauty. I hope in large ways and small I can celebrate this often.

Wishing you the love that surpasses all understanding and hopefully a bit of magic this holiday season.

Song Choice: Golden- (K pop Demon Hunters) version by Anthem Lights, Brooke https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8JR7uX7bVwQ ( I loved this movie from the day it came out...I love K dramas, K pop and Smoked salmon Sushi lol so I thought I would leave a different version from the radio one we hear constantly:) The reason it is such a hit is because I think many of us can relate to the lyrics. I know I am not alone in this. I feel like this song sums up my last year. "No more hiding- I'll be shinning like I'm born to be."

And to God https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=BmZTz5H49zw