Learning to Be Loved

It will take a lifetime and a “Well done my faithful one” for me to fully learn to be loved. Like most human beings - I have moments when I wholeheartedly believe I’m ensconced in love. Then the next I view myself as the worst sort of devil, unworthy of free redemption. Yet, throughout my entire life God has brought different books, music, movies, nature and people to show me differently. Sometimes it surprises me... what God uses... yet it shouldn’t at this point really. Truthfully, I love being surprised by Joy. 

Recently, a few new (to me) souls have entered my realm. All at once I found myself in an overwhelming cascade of validation and belonging. I’m astounded at how these souls fit aspects of myself I’ve been praying for years about. Spirit has often visited me through books, words, song, wisdom and intuition. During the spring I kept getting messages through health and healing to “make room”, “take steps back”, and “new friendships are forming or arriving.” Honestly, I was in constant anticipation and it was tough not to feel slightly disappointed when it felt like nothing was changing. 

For someone in anticipation, it was ironic that I ended up being blindsided when three new connections happened in the same week. Around the same time I was told I was cured of H Pylori and my extremely painful Trigeminal Neuralgia disappeared. A few more relationships deepened and occurred.  Also these connections happened because I said,”Yes” when I wanted to say, “No.” In fact, I said, “Yes” to a dancing opportunity which at first I disliked. I felt my dyspraxia showing up, so imagine my surprise when I was asked again and I found myself saying yes again. That time sealed the deal. I had a blast. I went swimming for the first time in a decade. I ventured on trips with new connections and said yes to prayer time (which I don’t often do with anyone besides my family)… I changed habits quite a bit that my mother shockingly stated, “I can’t believe you are doing this stuff! It’s a surprise.” Trips to the city, multiple dancing sessions, thrifting, karaoke, swimming, prayer coffees, movies, Just Dance parties, conversations, dress up photo shoot and a sleepover later … and I feel much MUCHIER. I feel like my old self re emerged in a new way with my current self to become fuller. Even when this  season ends (as all seasons do) I know I was changed almost instantly. My other relationships in my life were also deepened as a by product, due to the fact that I suddenly viewed friendship through a strong lens of gratitude. A few others trickled on to my path. I found myself surrounded by healing, mutual love, and joy. 

I’m still not on any social media platform. Yet, my in person times with these souls are so fulfilling. A bonus is that none of us ever have our phones out during movies or conversations, unless it is to quickly take pictures or quickly text our spouses (which is so nineties perfect with the bonus of the happy bits of technology !) 

My daughter has had a key role in this by including me in her friendships often. Which is astounding and humbling. We share friendships which can sometimes be tricky to navigate, but in general, the small costs are worth the results for both of us. 

It feels a bit like when I was in high school (which I actually generally loved.) Yet, with more experience, maturity and a grown family of my own, these friendships are a different form of that. I love being a bit older . It’s easier to feel chill when I’m left out. I have other things to do and am fine that my friends are enjoying other rich relationships that make them the people I love. I’m fine if they are friends with people who dislike me- I have faith and trust in the natural cycles of relationships. I love that in one outing alone we realized we had a 20 year old, 30 year old, 40 year old and 60 year old. We were all having a blast. Each one was a cherished part of the whole. As I age, AGE seems both less and more relevant. Our souls are ageless, but our growth and experience shapes our ability to connect. For some people that takes longer so age matters, but for others it can happen young, so in a sense age does not … 

Recently, I was in a counselling appointment and we were discussing beauty. It’s a complex subject for me. Normally my therapists tell me that I’m the model patient in the sense that I chat a lot and make their job easier. My latest counselling stated last time, “Wow in my over a decade of counselling I have never had a patient accurately state that their coping mechanisms were a combination of denial or embracing all or nothing thinking. It’s obvious you’ve done a lot of therapy.” Ha! But at the last appointment, for the first time in the 19 years I’ve been in therapy, I was quiet often and kept saying, “I actually don’t know” to certain questions. This shocked both myself and my new therapist. The final minute of our session I suddenly blurted out, “That I’m unloveable. If I’m not a certain way, in the end, I feel that I’m unloveable. I know God loves me which brings immense happiness and keeps me tethered when I would otherwise not be, but I still live in a broken world of flawed humanness and it matters when I feel like I’m unloveable by all human beings.” His eyes lit up and he stated, “If we had more time, normally I’d have you sit with that statement for awhile but now we are getting to the roots of the matter. Now you can grow, change and embrace aspects of yourself. Write about this if you can and it will be a starting point for next session. How does that make you feel?” I laughed nervously, “At a loss for words in that area and terrified but relieved my discernment still works!” For some reason I make my therapists chuckle often. It’s happened with all four of them …(yes only 4 since my first one was 16 years of therapy.)

God gave us each other. It’s complex, messy and sometimes humans cause more pain than good. Even then though, God can still redeem human mistakes. Sometimes people teach us lessons, boundaries, or what we don’t want to do in life. Sometimes, someone is in our life to shower us with love or perspective. Most of the time it’s a combination. For myself, I realized these new souls don’t make me feel judged or expect me to fit into a certain category. They shower me with undeserved compliments (that leave me baffled frankly but it’s nice too.) Nothing is based on politics, social media, my introverted self and there is not a measure on my intellect or feelings. It’s just a reciprocal sharing of laughter, joy, spirituality and fun with a sprinkle of normal relationship progression. I realized God is giving me an extra boost in this season. Partially because I asked often in prayer. Partially because Grace is given freely. Partly because timing is essential. Partially because I’m allowing it to soak in and saturate the hurting aspects of myself. I’m not a victim. I’m not the healer. I’m the flawed person learning to become the full version I will see when God gives me my new name, that will say it all, at the end of all things.

I’m used to being the pursuer and then allowing people to cycle out of my orb when I sense I’m not needed. Or when the natural order of things takes its cycle. I’m still expecting that in general. But to be actively invited often? That’s very new for me. To be thought of first? It’s rare which is ok and down mostly to personality… I don’t expect it any other way… but for this brief period, I'm being taught that it’s ok to be a little pursued. It’s ok to be wanted for something other than counsel or myself being presented a certain way. It’s ok to be fully free to be me. Normally I have to hold back my emotions, tastes or blunt remarks to a degree. I think that a normal level of self control is healthy … but for a few months I haven’t had to do that in general. And I’m still WANTED! That blows my mind. It’s been a gift. I will cherish it however long I have it. It’s also taught me about myself. It’s taught me, once again, the importance of seasons. I learned boundaries, autism, dyspraxia, chronic illness, and coping mechanisms the last decade … and now I’m learning to let go, be unboxed, flexibility, acceptance and allowing flow with an abundance of gratitude. I’m learning lessons for my other beautiful friendships from the past. I’m seeing where I’ve set myself up partially for certain outcomes.  I see where I tried to be God for someone else which was a mistake I'm forgiven for but one I needed to confess. I’m also seeing where I took less than I should have due to a false sense of duty and intellect. Which comes down to a false pride. I’m seeing that unloveable is a complex statement. Perhaps Grace expands even more fully when I allow the light. Grace is always there but maybe many of us, or at least myself, do not fully allow its encompassing healing love because we are feeding ourselves a narrative that isn’t fully true? Or we get stuck in a narrative that serves us well at a certain stage and age of our journey, so we built a house on it, instead of packing up our Gypsy travelling home to walk the richer path of life?

I still don’t have full answers for my therapist. But I know I’m in a season of learning new ways to be loved and loving others. It’s astounding. I’m so grateful. These humans all around me? Of course they can be hurtful or aggravating - it takes a brief look at everyday headlines to come to that conclusion. But when I actually ponder the humans that arrive on my doorstep? The ones I see face to face? The ones far away who email me or text? Those that are of ages spanning the age of infant hood to 89 ( my beloved grandma and grandpa)? These people sometimes astound me with their capacity to both show love and take love. If they can do these things, how much more can a perfect God? 

My year health wise was tough. I tried to honour my responsibilities and relationships during that time but it was tinged with constant distress and pain. It’s a relief to be in normal chronic illness pain again without that added intensity… and the weight lifted. I started breathing fully. Suddenly I was given shelter by new friends. I found another version of home. Yet, there is not pressure on them to stay either. I’m already grateful and know that ultimately they are a form of Christ showing me personally how I can be loved. Maybe I won’t feel it often but that anchor is always available. That shelter will be with me even if the temporary friendship shelters change. 

Thank God for love, both deserved and undeserved.

Song choice: Thank God I Do- Lauren Diagle https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wfR6XLXRNy0