Multiple Sided Anti- Hero: INFJ/ Enneagram 4/ Scorpio/ Projector/ Autistic/ Aphrodite Mind Conversations(Or Why I take Blogposts Down)

My Enneagram 4 ( Enneagram personality): I have all these feelings. Maybe I should write a post about it? It will feel good to get angst and thoughts out.

My INFJ (MBTI Personality) : Well, if it considers most people's perspectives and if not, maybe include multiple disclaimers? Will it have a harmonious tone? Will it be inspiring somehow? At least help someone?

My Projector (Human Design Personality): I was not invited by someone to write. No one requested this...so it will not end well. Remember, I am supposed to just stay in my lane and I thrive when I do my own thing and if others invite me into their process...that is when the magic happens.

My Scorpio (Astrological sign) : Who gives a crap? You do you babe...Why am I talking to myself in third person?

My Enneagram 4: But my feelings help others feel... right? That's what feelings are FOR.

My INFJ: Erm, don't be selfish. I need to make sure I am at least putting something good out into the ether. But fine, I can write and publish a post.

My (click) Aphrodite (Jungian Greek myth Personality): I need to include some images that are beautiful or inspiring. Beauty heals. Beauty brings out sides of humanity we often forget about. Some sensual delights from beautiful foods, outfits, music, and nature or images are a healthy way to convey humanity... (pausing in thought) I still do not understand why my husband and children insisted I take down that sheer black curtain with the pretty gems hanging down from it that I draped in front of my bedroom door. I thought it was pretty."

My INFJ: Well, my rational self eventually saw it. Even my youngest saw it. C'mon he even stated, "Mom, these curtains say (then he changed his voice into a sultry tone) this is my SECOND job!"

My Aphrodite: It was pretty. Sheer fabrics and crystals should not be just overly sexualized. Do they have a tone of sensuality? Maybe, but mostly, they give off a glamour.

My Scorpio: Own it baby!

My Aspie/ Autistic self (Brain difference diagnosis): Rationally, people make assumptions based on what they have seen on TV, and thus they most likely will, as your daughter stated, "Associate it with Burlesque."

My Enneagram 4: But she also said, "Mom I saw it and immediately stifled my reaction because I know you and you're an interesting mix of innocent seduction and knowing beauty. You were so excited to show me and I figured awe poor mom, she just loves sparkly things and fabrics and being creative...she's cute so try to act nice about it. She wasn't going for Burlesque vibes."

My Scorpio: So what?? OWN it.

My Aspie Autistic self: Do you ever get tired of saying that? Own what exactly? There is a fine line between trying to fit into society a bit and being yourself. Just pay attention to the logic. The science. Stifle the emotions if you have to.

My Enneagram 4: STIFLE THE EMOTIONS?!?! Where is the beauty and joy in that?? What about mysticism? What about the joy of the unexpected? 

My INFJ: Crap, the post has been up for a few days...there are a lot of personal details in there...and photos that could be copied or used nefariously. Do I really want to give people that power? 

My Scorpio: It's not about power. It's about privacy, mystery, needing space.

My Mental Illness of Occasional Anxiety: What if people do find the post and use it in the wrong way? What if I am putting my family at risk? Why did I write in the first place? Why am I even on the internet? I am supposed to never be found online. ERASE! ERASE!! ERASE!!!!!!!!

My Scorpio: Man, I am a lot. Sweet!!! But that's fine to erase it - If it makes me feel more comfortable -easy peasy. Keep it for my kids and if I want to put it back up it's always just a click away. No biggie. Besides, a little drama in life is fun. Don't be so boring like those other astrological signs. I'm a Scorpio, I need to act like it.

My Aphrodite: Try some humility- you love the other signs because at least they are not you!  … But what about inspiring others with a beautiful word or image or?

My Enneagram 4 (singing Taylor Swift): "I should not be left to my own devices, they come with prices and vices, I end up with crisis. Tale as old as time.... It's me. Hi! I'm the problem, it's me...it must be exhausting always rooting for the anti hero..."

My Aspie /Autistic self: Dramatic much? Yup, I'm a LOT. Also, does anybody even read blogs anymore? I guess in the end it doesn’t matter… it’s just me right?

My Scorpio: Own it babe. It's why only certain people love you but when they do, man do you inspire some loyalty!

My Anxiety: Do I actually??

Also, Am I schizophrenic?

My Aspie Autistic self: You were ruled out for that remember? As was originally stated, "Your hyper imagination combined with your interesting persona and continual cognitive awareness...is normal. The diagnosis of Aspergers Syndrome combined with occasional Anxiety, ADD, and multiple learning disabilities makes for an interesting person, that's all." Well, not NORMAL, but normal for who you are. 

My Enneagram 4 (still singing Taylor Swift): "Sometimes I feel like everybody is a sexy baby and I'm a monster on the hill. Too big to hang out slowly lurching towards your favourite city..."

My Aphrodite: Well, other times I feel like all of life is sexy so there's that…

My INFJ: It's BOTH/ AND... I root for the anti hero sometimes but how many people actually do? Wait, am I the anti hero? 

Yea, that makes sense actually...

My Mental Illness of Occasional Anxiety: Maybe I need a new diagnosis? My inner dialogue sounds certifiably insane... so many sides.

My Enneagram Four: That's called artistry. If you were a celebrity it would be no big deal.

My INFJ (Panicking): Celebrity !??  Who said anything about fame? Anytime I get more that a certain amount of clicks on my blog I start taking posts down! 

My Enneagram 4: Well, what is the point of being like this without using any of it?

My Aphrodite: My house is proof that I use it. Hence, the whole curtain debacle. Most times though, it works out. At least my family is inspired right?...Or they get a good laugh and I can laugh in hindsight...

My Autistic Aspie self: Back to the topic at hand. Should the blog post come down or not?

Enneagram 4: How are you feeling about it?

Anxiety: YES! Take it down NOW!

My Aphrodite: I'm getting tired. It's time to go soak up some nature and stare at some crystals...maybe write a love note to my husband and reach out to a friend. Please stop with the screens...it never feels that satisfying in the end. Real life. Tangible sensory. Immerse in it.

My INFJ: Ok, the post did whatever work it was supposed to do. It can come down...but I worry that maybe someone who will have needed it will miss it?

My Anxiety: I worry it's already been used for some horrible use. Also, what if I was misunderstood?

My Enneagram 4: I am always misunderstood.

My Aspie/ autistic self: Well, maybe take out the ALWAYS...but otherwise... ( shrugs) accurate.

My INFJ: Stop being so dramatic. Harmonize.  Balance. Adjust. Ok, the post is down. Relax.

Scorpio: I am not the hero in the story. I am just me. I need to do me babe. I need to OWN IT.

My projector: Do I care about this anymore?

My Enneagram 4: I need to write a post about this.  (Cue endless circle of my life)

Song Choice: Anti Hero- Taylor Swift