Personality: "Goddesses in EveryWoman Archetypes." Myth, Typology, Greek Myths, Christianity, Hestia and Aphrodite

Eros and Psyche (artist on bottom corner)

Our family is obsessed with myths, because most of classic literature, fairytales and stories in culture, find their rooting in the standard myth archetypes. Once myth becomes familiar, one can see the patterns over and over again in many life situations. The Archetypes invoke important lessons and deep thought. My favorite Greek goddesses in the past have been Hestia and Athena. Jean Bolen, MD, is a Psychiatrist and Jungian Typologist, who wrote the book, "Goddesses In Every Woman- Powerful Archetypes In Women's Lives." (CLICK) I found the book a little dry in parts, so I skimmed each chapter, looking for my primary type, however, each section had intriguing information. The general theory is that each of us have a little of all the archetypes, but have primarily one or two that rule our dominant personality. Once we are familiar with them, we can then try to rebalance ourselves when we need to. Speaking as a woman, this applies to me in roles of motherhood, marriage or career. As with any personality typing, it is strictly a tool to be used, to discover and ponder more depths in the psyche of self. In any book, I will disagree with some content, as I should if I am my own person, but I can still benefit.

Eros and Psyche Statue

“Let the wise hear and increase in learning, and the one who understands obtain guidance.” Proverbs 1:5

I was surprised this time that my primary archetype was not at all what I thought it would be. Usually I can accurately predict my results for personality tests. I flipped through the book and began with whom I thought I would be (Hestia.) While I could relate to aspects, her description did not fully encapsulate who I am. Especially the part that said she wasn't a strong personality presence. Next, I searched the Athena chapter and again, her type would probably be along with Hestia in a secondary position, but there were no "Ah ha!" moments. Next, I searched Demeter, Hera, Persephone and Artemis...and all of them were not my primary driver. There was only one left, and I was getting frustrated. I sighed aloud to my husband, "I guess I finally have found a typing system I do not come out strongly in. There is no way I will be this last one. It's Aphrodite." My husband snorted, "Are you kidding me? Anyone who closely knows you would pick Aphrodite as your primary goddess personality archetype. I could have saved you a lot of work as that would have been my first choice for you."

“He has brought me to his banquet hall, and his banner over me is love.” Song of Solomon 2:4

I was appalled to be Aphrodite honestly. I guess I am a little biased about Aphrodite because of how she is always depicted in media as either naked, shallow, insanely curvy, and devious. However, as I read the chapter I pretty much held my breath at each paragraph, because it was eerily accurate. And I was wrong about the Aphrodite archetype. In many Christian settings Aphrodite types are not encouraged, so part of my qualm was my internal judging belief system. Aphrodite is the only alchemical goddess in myth. She was not victimized and she valued emotional experience with others more than independence. "Aphrodite seeks to consummate relationships and generate new life…And in that what she values is solely subjective and cannot be measured in terms of achievement or recognitions. Aphrodite is (paradoxically) most similar to anonymous, Introverted Hestia- who on the surface is the goddess most unlike Aphrodite." Jean Bolen

“Draw me after you and let us run together! The king has brought me into his chambers.” “We will rejoice in you and be glad; we will extol your love more than wine. Rightly do they love you.” Song of Solomon 1:4

Aphrodite Statue

I was born to create and to love. I cannot handle stale moments in life where creativity is squelched. I love sparkles. I can be mesmerized by the creation of glitter and shine. I feel like a queen when I examine the light. I am constantly painting my home, re-decorating, writing, and learning a new skill, connecting, researching, making, and creating, creating, creating. A few years ago, I confused my desire to have more babies with the inner need to create. I am also a sensual being, despite the fact that sensory, as an INFJ/ Autistic, spells trouble for me often. And perhaps this attribute finally helped explain why I differ from most INFJs and Autistics a bit more. There is an aspect of sensuality in food, nature, creativity and life that I need to thrive. I like it when the sensory aspects of life are good instead of heightened from autism to an uncomfortable degree. I also do not generally create for recognition. Most people do not even see what I create on a daily basis. It is not about achievement for me either. For me it is the process. A good book on that topic is 'A Time to Make' by Ginger Hendrix. 

"When Aphrodite influences a relationship, her effect is not limited to the romantic or the sexual. Platonic love, soul connection, deep friendship, rapport, and empathic understanding are all expressions of love. Whenever growth is generated, a vision supported, potential developed, a spark of creativity encouraged- as can happen in mentoring, counseling, parenting, directing, teaching, editing, and doing psychotherapy and analysis- then Aphrodite is there, affecting both people involved." Jean Bolen

That paragraph invoked an enthusiastic, "Yes!" To which my husband asked curiously, "What?" I read it out loud again, excitedly adding, "She just summed up everything I love in life, in a nutshell!" 

Amused my husband smiled, "I still am blown away that you did not consider Aphrodite. Think of all your writing and conversations. What is always the focus? Love, beauty, creativity and understanding. And for outer aspects, honey, look at all the pictures in our family videos. You are comfortable with sensuality to a proper degree.”

I gaped at him and adamantly replied, "The goal for pictures of tasteful expression is to give a lens to an inner part of myself I cannot normally express. It is about finding the right angle and feeling pretty from a certain lens. I often say that I can't live up to some of my own pictures. You know that. I like playing with light."

He replied, "Even without make up and angles I am drawn to you, but besides that point, you do give off a comfort within the sensual. You are ok with proper expressions of beauty. You dislike it when they are distorted with porn or negatively used. You are most appalled at sexual violence, not just from an ordinary lens, but because to you, sexuality mimics compassionate passion and a lust for all of LIFE. To disuse it, to you, is ultimately profane and enrages you more than most. You like to focus on emotional COMBINED with intellectual. You are, above all, focused on pathways to the heart. Of course you are my Aphrodite. I am shocked that you are shocked at this. Also look at your home, Love! That statue you have treasured for over a decade? It's one of your favourite aspects in our home and I've always thought she symbolized both you and Aphrodite to remind you to love and create." 

“I am the rose of Sharon, the lily of the valleys.” Song of Solomon 2:1

Hestia is my favourite mythical goddess - we have a symbol of her in our home (pictured above) even though she never had any tributes in her likeness. The hearth stood for her because she was considered the guardian of hearth and home. She symbolizes the importance of HOME. When I read the paragraph  I finally realized why I am drawn to Hestia. She suits my Introversion and focus on Hearth, unlike Aphrodite who seems Extroverted thus why I also mistyped myself. Although perhaps my Aphrodite result is why I can come across even more Extroverted than INFJ's can typically come across? Because of my strong, inner Aphrodite, maybe I seem more extroverted even though I am the Introverted of Introverts? I do enjoy people, connections and some sensory aspects of life. I could see how this could get confusing.

I mistakenly believed that one had to be Marilyn Monroe pretty to be an Aphrodite type. I have an odd face. I can perhaps be striking occasionally with the right lighting, make up and photo angle, but in every day conversation, my big face, huge smile and interesting features would not be called gorgeous. I thought there was no way I would be an Aphrodite and I was pompous if I even considered it. Another misconception. "...The Aphrodite archetype creates a personal charisma- a magnetism or electricity- that combined with physical attributes, makes a woman an 'Aphrodite.' When Aphrodite is an active part of a plain woman, the woman does not draw men to her from across the room...Those who come close, however, find her engaging and charming (when she wants to be or is interested.) Many rather ordinary looking women with Aphrodite qualities attract others with the magnetic warmth of their personalities and their natural, unselfconscious sensuality." Jean Bolen

“Let his left hand be under my head and his right hand embrace me.” Song of Solomon 2:6

Another aspect of Aphrodite is her innocence and joy within her relationship to children. "Aphrodite women like children and vice versa." Jean Bolen. Aphrodite types can draw out good behavior with charm. That explains most of my life. Children generally like me and even the most misbehaved children tend to mind themselves when they are with me. My children have also remarked that I bring sunshine (if I am in the mood to do so) and they adore my charisma. Charisma is actually a nickname I was given by several acquaintances. My mother once remarked, "Your children clearly adore you. Not just LOVE but are dedicated and adore you and forgive you all ills." The paragraph above finally described why. 

This part of myself did not sit well with a few people in my circles. Once it was insinuated I manipulated my children into being so dedicated in love towards me. I was devastated. I cried, questioned myself, had conversations with my husband and carefully listened to my children's feedback with every interaction I had. My husband eventually comforted with, "Babe, they are jealous. They cannot understand how easily it comes to you so they think it is manipulative. Just be yourself. Be You. Don't worry about what they say. Your due justice will be yours and theirs will be theirs." It was good advice and since then I have decided not to hide the fact that my children adore me and that I adore them. I used to downplay it a bit, but have decided to try to just LIVE it instead. I have enough flaws to worry about the attributes in life I have been gifted with. My love to raise children and their love for me is something to value.

“Children are a heritage from the Lord, offspring a reward from him. Like arrows in the hands of a warrior are children born in one’s youth. Blessed is the man whose quiver is full of them.” Psalm 127:3-4

Statue of Lady Justice (whom I also LOVE)

In all honesty, I was hoping to get the Athena archetype of wisdom as my first result, it seemed less...patriarchal? Sensual? Wrong? "When sensuality and sexuality in women are degraded- as in Judeo- Christian, Moslem and other patriarchal cultures, the woman who embodies Aphrodite as the lover is considered a temptress or whore. Thus, this archetype, if expressed, can put the woman at odds with standards of morality. Aphrodite women may be ostracized." Jean Bolen

I was censored a lot growing up in this regard. I often would be found kneeling on the ground for the male teachers in school to measure my skirt length from my knee to the floor. I would often be sent home because my outfits were too tight. Honestly, I was not sexually active and wished to save myself for the ultimate love of my life. Nor was I trying to be a temptress in theory. Not only did I have some naiveté but also I was just expressing myself in a way that felt natural to me. It was more about me, than others. I liked lovely outfits and I preferred the way Marilyn Monroe walked, so I modelled my walk after her. It wasn't so much about attention as it was expression, freedom, autonomy, and an inward need to express outward. Song of Solomon spoke to me because it unabashedly celebrated the sexual nature of lovers, while also retaining a certain dignity. Secretly, I thought Rahab, being a prostitute and chosen to be in Jesus’ direct generational line, spoke to what God sees versus what man sees. The book of Hosea also showed that no one is beyond God’s offer of love and forgiveness. God asks Hosea to marry and remain faithful to a woman who was unfaithful to him continually, to model God’s love for his people. “The Lord said to me, “Go, show your love to your wife again, though she is loved by another man and is an adulteress. Love her as the Lord loves the Israelites, though they turn to other gods and love the raisin cakes,” Hosea 3:1 Obviously I would not recommend this in normal circumstances outside of God’s advice. I believe in fidelity with commitment. Marriage is sacred to me (perhaps my inner Hera archetype?) and I have luckily found my match, so I would not be as prone to wander as most Aphrodite's are in the persona description. But it was good for me to read about the pros and cons of this archetype and examine my own issues and strengths. We all must learn aspects of whom we are, what dangers lurk within our specific temperaments, and what inner wounds we must face. If we want to love ourselves more fully, so we can love others, we need to BECOME.

Over time, some of this aspect in myself became stifled. I could relate to the paragraphs about parents and Aphrodite daughters, along with the relationships with women. I had very strong relationships with some people, while others seemed to hate me right off the bat. Apparently this is common, especially with anyone who is uncomfortable or opposed to expressions of sensuality (however tame.)

I also tend to have a brand of feminism that doesn't appeal to most feminists. Because I still like to validate men, make them feel worthy...I feel this way about BOTH female and male. However, I am also against the patriarchy. "Aphrodite’s wound: Patriarchy, threatened by her ‘power’ over men, have attempted in every way to restrict, confine, label and demote her from her Queenly position. Furthermore, Aphrodite and Demeter were not allowed to co-mingle in the patriarchal order (in other words, whore and wife had to be kept separate). Aphrodite also experiences alienation from the other goddesses. Media exploitation of Aphrodite’s sacred image--and the resulting schizophrenic urges to both deny [censorship] sensual beauty & pleasure while crudely lusting [graphically degrading pornography], alienation from the body, and a deep fear of intimacy [virtual- reality sex on the Internet/telephone sex]. As a result of advertising, mainstream women feel incapable of ‘measuring up’ to the image of feminine beauty; while men compare the appearance of the available woman in their midst to the suggested glamorized image of beauty sold to them by the media. The psychological consequences of denying Aphrodite any real place in the culture lead to: vilifying her image and then substituting the Virgin Mary for worship; replacing the ‘flesh-and-blood’ woman who possesses a body with the worship of a ‘Virgin’ mother, cut off from physical love; paranoia of witches and subsequent, systematic massacring of mature, independent, autonomous women followed, as a result." ( Found HERE.)

My deepest aversions are rooted strongly in the paragraph above. Autonomy, interaction, beauty, consummation of the physical or creativity, are all worthy pursuits in life, and should not be desecrated. I do not think I would have recognized and faced that aspect of myself fully, without reading the book. It was an important realization for me to forgive past incidents and accept my full expression innocently in who I am. The love of my life was found at age seventeen and I think I was ready partially, due to my inner Aphrodite. My husband trusts this love. “The heart of her husband trusts her, and he will have no lack of gain.” Proverbs 31:11

Aphrodite (artist unknown)

I love to indulge my children, as Aphrodite mothers are prone to do. I also enjoy buying beautiful things, sometimes not within our means, another Achilles heal of Aphrodite. Both the pitfalls and the strengths were relatable. The only exception was extreme Extroversion, but in every other type I am an Introvert and aptly so. Oh and of course, I cannot relate to being "the other woman" due to my serious levels of commitment and finding the love of my life at age 17. So there is also that.

The Labours of Psyche by John Roddam Spencer Stanhope 1873

I had this misconception that Aphrodite was not wise. She is relational and she brings people together with a focus on love. But now I ask myself, 'How is that not wise?' Not only that, but Aphrodite gave Psyche her four challenges to keep Eros, and those challenges symbolically were steeped in wisdom. Task One was sorting the seeds which represents "an inward task, requiring that a woman look honestly within, sift through her feelings, values, and motives and separate what is truly important from what is insignificant." Jean Bolen. Task Two was acquiring the Golden Fleece "without destroying Psyche was a metaphor for the task of gaining power and remaining a compassionate person." Jean Bolen. Task Three was filling the crystal flask, which represents the "circular flow of life" Jean Bolen and also the power of perspective. Task Four was learning to say no. "Until a woman can say no to her particular susceptibility, she cannot determine her own life course. Through the four tasks, Psyche evolves. She develops capabilities and strengths as her courage and determination are tested, Yet, despite all she acquires, her basic nature and priorities remain unchanged; she values a love relationship, risks everything for it, and wins." Jean Bolen

 

My husband is my earthly Eros. I value our love relationship and risk all for it. This is probably why the Psyche tale is one of my favorites, along with Hestia's concept of hearth and home. "What happens at the end of myth? Eros and Psyche are reunited, their marriage is honored on Mount Olympus and Psyche bears a daughter named Joy...note that after proving her courage and competency, the heroine does not go riding off into the sunset by herself, like the archetypal cowboy hero. Nor is she cast into the mold of the conquering hero. Union, reunion and home are where her journey ends." Jean Bolen I think it is perfection that the daughter is named Joy. Because I sincerely find that relationships rooted in love bring the utmost joy to life. Marriage and partnership are aspects of my personal life that I feel passionate about. We each must sincerely celebrate our own passions and creations.

“Enjoy life with your wife, whom you love, all the days of this meaningless life that God has given you under the sun- all your meaningless days.” Ecclesiastes 9:9

(See HERE for a briefing on all the types.) 

At the end of each journey, Hestia/home awaits. "The individuation of journey- the psychological quest for wholeness- ends in the union of opposites; the inner marriage of "masculine" and "feminine" aspects of personality.... said more abstractly and without assigning gender, the journey toward wholeness results in having the ability to be both active and receptive, autonomous and intimate, to work and to Love..." Jean Bolen

What a beautiful balance to be in life! My life is all I have to give. As is yours. May we all DARE to LIVE. May we give something of ourselves while also honouring whom God made us, in the image of the I AM. May we believe in beauty, creating, love and understanding.

"All seem rather unspectacular endings- paralleling real life...the heroine who fended off hostile attacks, reclaimed her power, and struggled with goddesses, may seem similarly ordinary at peace with herself. Like the hobbit at home in the shire, however, she does not know if or when a new adventure that will test her well being or announce itself." Jean Bolen

It took a bit of true soul searching, but once I added Aphrodite to my Personality/ Typology results, I became much muchier. I was resistant and came in with my own judgments, but I got used to the idea. I'm surprised I was taken by surprise within my own persona! 

This understanding added another layer to how I can be my best self in the world we both create and find ourselves in. New adventures will arrive to test my character. But during the calm I hope to continue to embrace the love of life and the life of home. I feel this concept is important for each individual person.

* ALL quotes taken from the Introduction and End chapters of  "Goddesses in Everywoman. Powerful Archetypes In Women's Lives" by Jean Shinoda Bolen, MD. CLICK HERE. I HIGHLY recommend this book to browse for your own type and see patterns, downsides and positives, to add to the complex picture that is YOU.

Song Choice 1: Back In November, way before I discovered Aphrodite, my insightful friend Glynis wrote this to me when I was struggling with the baby conundrum: "Even thinking about having a baby caused this to happen to your physical body: of swords, grief, and internal battle, the need to defend itself ( autoimmune problems.)Your body was giving hints that it wasn't willing to go that route. And so it turned on you because what it wanted was a creative expression but did not want to go through the physical aspects of being pregnant and going through hormonal changes, and the postpartum period which would have left your mind still wanting to create because if the root of the issue was creation, and the wrong route for you would have been taken, there would have been a setback and possibly would have meant strife within the family, as well as your body itself as it tried to externalize what you were internalizing. Your soul is asking you to listen for a muse. She is saying, you have work to do. Commit to that work. Commit to bringing more and more creativity into your life, give birth to your ideas because they start as seeds but if they are not fed and watered then they will shrivel up and die. Commit to being creative in ways that are unique to you and to what will feed you and when you notice changes in your body, any sign of the five of swords, you'll know it's not time for that idea, or that it's the wrong idea, completely. To have faith in your skills. It says to believe in yourself, in your dreams, in whatever work you decide to do in the creative realm. The root of the matter is and what can you do: Dare to dream, dare to create. Dare to follow your heart not only in your mind, but in your actions.  You have been called to do these things by your very own soul. And of course it is daring to dream and daring to create and about being brave in following your heart, I'm including a song you know well. Dare to Live by Andrea Pocelli and Laura Pausini"  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=55gxqsU20UM Glynis' wisdom, along with the rest of her words I did not include, had me crying with the accuracy. I still wasn't ready to activate the truth and longed for a baby in the meantime, but now I see clearly why I needed her voice. Her wisdom gave me patience and hope. And it ties into this post.


Song Choice 2: There are many songs I could choose for this post but I could NOT stop humming this song as I was writing. High Above Me- Everclear n ( I did spend some of my teenhood in the nineties after all!)

INTJ and INFJ Pros and Cons in Relationships. Processing an INFJ/INTJ Break up ( Friendship.)

2021 update: According to marketing formats ENTJ is the rarest type, followed by ENFJ then INFJ. 

NOTE: This post is about more of an intimate INTJ/INFJ relationship- a close one. I know MANY INTJ's in a more acquaintance level way. For some reason we always find each other. INTJ and INFJ are an EXCELLENT match for brief or ebb/ flow engaging conversations. Generally, we easily get along. If  I can't figure out a person I am talking with that I am very interested in - they are usually an INFJ or INTJ. This also happens with INFP's ( automatic connection) but it's easier to type them right away. I can always tell an INFP from their unique expressions and intense feelings. Two  INFJ's do not last as long together for the most part but initially it's fun! I often can not recognize them immediately because I am so interested in the conversation and immediately drawn in. If they know their type and say they are an INTJ automatically my brain confirms, "Of course you are!" My paternal uncle, a couple aunts, some friends, my sister in law, a few of my professor acquaintances, my paternal grandmother (whom has MUCH in common with me and we get along fantastically!), and some second cousins are all INTJ's. We can have the best time when we are together- especially if we get on certain topics. As a general ebb and flow relationship it is one of the top personality matches for an INFJ and INTJ ...or in about 3/4th place. ENFP's are generally the best match for an INFJ marriage but honestly? Any personality type combination can work with a little hard work, constant communication, humour and kindness.

I just came out of a "long term relationship" -15 years- with an INTJ. For context we were deep soul friends on every level except physical who talked every day about everything for 15 years. ( CLICK HERE for the ending of INTJ and INFJ and the difference between my husband and I, and her and I.) As an INFJ myself, I felt this was a perfect opportunity to write out the pros and cons of an INTJ and INFJ relationship before time slips away at my inferior memory. This is from a VERY close relationship perspective (see the link above.) My son is also an INTJ and his nuances are different from my former best friend, so I think I can give a fair picture. Instead of using the MBTI descriptions (extraverted thinking ect) I am going to use Personality Hacker's (click Here) easier descriptions to illustrate the personality types, even though the MBTI has an approach to personality that I also am enriched from.

INTJ / INFJ Relationship Cons:

1.*It's interesting to me that the cons list can also sometimes correlate to the pros. For instance, both the INTJ and INFJ have a 3 year old process of Sensory. Which means exactly what it sounds like. Get either type into an overwhelming sensory situation and we will kind of act like a 3 year old in terms of dealing with it. Even if we are mature, that ability to process it all in an advanced way is not in our toolbox. It also means that when we struggle in life we can go into our Sensory as a way of escaping or coping. Thus, two people can enable each other's bad habits of hiding away, shopping too much, seeking out large amounts of sexual activity, food, drink, or other sensory habits. OR enabling each other in deprivation. Because the sensory drive also works that way, in which, we decide we can't deal with the sensory so we are strict with our diet, overexercise, become stingy, overwork, or deny, deny, deny. Two people with the same habits can allow the comfortability with that or encourage bad habits. So while the Pro list has this as understanding, the con list also has this as enabling.

2. INTJs and INFJ's share Perspectives taking as their main driver or cognitive process. Due to the fact that their co pilot functions are different, sometimes they can feel like they are on the same page but the nuances of their co pilot cause miscommunication. Harmony is an INFJ's co pilot so they will always be looking for meaningful ways to connect their perspectives to other people, to create a better life for all those around them with their information and to help heal the world and their small world as well. Effectiveness is the INTJ's co pilot and it is based on taking the information from Perspectives and trying to close loops, figuring out what works on a practical level to express on an outside level and make the world a better place. Both are similar in some aspects but both are very different in their application. Harmony does not like to always be effective. Effectiveness does not always have room for Harmony.

3. *Both types love to conceptualize but that in itself can become a loop. It's hard to recognize as well because it seems like it can be a good, healthy way of processing life. However, this can sometimes be a cause of pride (For example statements like "No one can do this better than I can" or "They can't see as well as I do how this will be or predict the outcome.") INFJs are lucky in that their co pilot Harmony checks in with other's emotional experience. INTJS are more distanced in their long term analytical ways, thus the relational aspect is a little harder. This is where the relationship also breaks down in communication because the two types can SEEM so similar but their emotional experience is entirely different. So while there is understanding, there is also miscommunication.

4*The ten year old process is vastly different for these types. INTJ is Authenticity or what FEELS right. INFJ's is the opposite of their co pilot as Accuracy or what IS true and right. They sound similar but the process is entirely different. INTJ is focused on conviction and INFJ is focused on distance. Plus, a ten year old is still growing in experience and should not be trusted at home for long periods even if they are mostly responsible and provide respite from life's demands. Thus, a ten year old process is the same for reliability and unfortunately an INTJ and INFJ, when relying on their ten year olds, can focus too much on their inferior processes and this is where most of their disagreements stem from. Both of them focusing too much on a ten year old process that should only be brought out occasionally to balance a bit of life but if over relied on causes massive issues. INTJ's become prickly and INFJ's can become mis communicative in the details that seem right to them but are not always accurate to others.

5* That T and that F. (Also see pros) INFJ's are often able to cross over to the "T" side a bit more. In fact many INFJ's often score close to a Thinker instead of a Feeler. One of my cons over time with my INTJ was that I became more in my head for many years. Which was natural for me, but around the 13th year my feelings, due to life circumstances, wished to be honoured more. She did not like this adjustment and felt that I was pushing suddenly. She felt pushed to express more than she wished to, which was valid for her. From her perspective she was feeling misunderstood and blown away when I didn't respond the way I used to. I felt like I wasn't being validated or valued for whom I was. We tried to adjust but after 13 ish years of being more of a Thinking relationship it was hard to adjust. She tried her best, she did become more emotionally expressive, but at times it felt too unnatural to her or aggravating. It was easier for me to go towards Thinking but parts of me that wished to be more Feeling, felt ignored/ pressured.


Pros Of An INTJ/ INFJ Relationship:

1.*Inferior Sensory as a 3 year old process can mean that both the INTJ and INFJ can understand each other's struggle in this area. (See Con list for the same point.) That understanding is rare in life because most of the world is made up of Sensors. Most of life's experiences are Sensory. Thus, when a type has it as an inferior struggle process, it is a breath of fresh air when another similar type can understand it.

2*Both INTJs and INFJs enjoy cerebral pursuits. Both types have the driver of Perspectives which means that they both prefer to find the deeper insights. Travelling this road together can be satisfying at a level they don't often experience elsewhere. However, their co pilots Harmony for an INFJ and Effectiveness are quite different and give diversity to how each Perspective plays out in real life which still makes the process interesting instead of boring. Which opens up a lot of fun, long conversations on other perspectives in life.

3.*Both types tie as the rarest of all personality types. Thus, finding another rarity is a gift of soul exchange for both parties.

4* IF used in a playful way, INTJ's authenticity function and INFJ's accuracy can enhance the relationship. There is a lot of ways these two types can have fun together but most involve an intellectual way of "having fun" that many other personality types may not love as much. These include sharing research, ideas, possibilities, plans for the future ect. We LOVED planning our budgets and discussing together, planning home decor and sharing pictures of the process, researching medical ideas and testing and aiding each other in our decisions. Pursuing natural health together, coming up with ideas of why other people didn't get along or trying to understand the concept of gossip. Sharing our favourite songs and texting them often. Watching our favourite shows and discussing character motivation and personality types. Talking about the future, our children's growths and struggles with Autism ect. Gaining understanding of the human psyche through psychology, philosophy and sociology research, discussion and application. Laughing at quirky stories and both of our social struggles, conundrums and weird interactions with people. Accepting the odd, the mundane, the physical sensory that most people do not talk about, and the profane. Dissecting religion, christianity, and upbringing. We both fully understood each other's backgrounds because we explained it ALL. We were able to discuss faiths, non faith stances, and any belief system within a neutral, non judgmental, non secretly motivated space provided to each other. Neither of us subscribed to one belief yet both of us had high values and ethics and a belief still in something bigger, thus it was easy for us to discuss the ridiculousness of many interactions, conversations and the way people try to control other people. That baffled both of us and it was always fun to have that understanding.

5* The T and F balanced each other out at times. Her thinking enabled me to explore more of that potentiality in my life. My Feeling helped her acknowledge emotions and be able to have more relationships in her life that were based on feeling due to her new understanding. My understanding of those who use Thinking as a primary go to deepened. It was easier for me to understand that emotional differences did not equal cold unavailability. My son also teaches me this. He FEELS deeply, but how he is able to access that emotional need and process it, is another story. He often needs me to give words to his feelings, and I often need him to validate truths, help me discover my own vulnerabilities, and he often strengthens my resolve. When working together, these two types beautifully balance each other out.

Processing the INFJ/ INTJ Friendship Break up:

We made our "break up" official last Thursday. I wrote a post about that HERE. I process best by writing. Also I have not had the energy to write for a long time, but I realized I was giving a lot of my energy to trying to keep up the relationship that was dying. My husband described it as "the exhausting way of feeding a fire that is ash and wishes to go out. It is possible as long you are constantly there with the kindling." My kindling was becoming both of our burdens. I am naturally exhausted from Anemia anyway, but that added pressure took away what little energy I had left for the rest of life. And I never realized that until it ended. "You can't feed a fire, can't feed a fire without a spark. This gun's for hire even if we're just dancing in the dark."- Ruth Moody or Bruce Springsteen.

I will admit that INFJ's tenaciously hang on to relationships, even toxic ones (which it wasn't but it was becoming that way.) I have learned boundaries in the last few years and more practice with endings has given me the ability to let go easier. I would not have agreed to an ending if I had not had the growth I did in the last decade. I was terrible at endings. It took me 14 years to get over some of my high school friends that I never saw again. It has only been in the last couple years that I am completely fine with those endings. But five years ago I lost another few relationships (family or friends) and those didn't take me long to recover from. And it's not because they were less...it was just because I got better at accepting seasons, learning how to grieve, and becoming stronger during endings and hopeful new starts. I am a bit more stoic now. I tend to be better able to embrace the yin and yang of life. That said, I am still emotional being an INFJ Four Enneagram:) And when closure comes, I am able to have clear, concise boundaries or even end something I know is not healthy. See INFJ Door Slam HERE or If I Cut You Off Chances Are You Handed me The Scissors HERE. I also realized in my own way, due to some disagreements that went down and some issues with our children, that I also started closing the door and a few times I WANTED to door slam, but didn't and I am glad we had a little more time and that in the end, we both mutually decided it was time to be done. Since Christmas the song "Where do Broken Hearts Go" was on repeat in my home, but I didn't know why yet. Subconsciously I knew the beginning of the end was coming swiftly and the song applied. "Where do broken hearts go, can they find their way home? Back to the open arms of the ones who truly care. And If somebody loves you, will they always love you? I look into your eyes and I know that you still care for me..."- Whitney Houston.

It's time for dancing in the dark. It is also a good reminder that we all have our secret battles. Some of which we don't even realize we are fighting until they are done. Thus we can not know what a person is struggling with so to have grace for all seasons in life. Often we can't share until it is resolved. Or sometimes there are no words or the processing is waiting...We have stagnant seasons, seasons to share, flourishing seasons, and times of passing. There are middles, beginnings and ends. She was a large part of the middle of my life. Her ending will enable more beginnings. And vice versa. Maybe we will become close again one day? I know that will not be happening for at least six months if not for a long time because we both need to find life without each other. But maybe? Then again, maybe never. It is what it is.

15 years of an intimate emotional/ intellectual/ spiritual relationship with my friend gave me a platform for the rest of my life. BOTH of us became more accepting. We also accepted each other's quirks easily and that understanding was an invaluable gift. I don't ever want to replace her because it is impossible. She was so much of me, in many ways and no one besides my husband and children has ever, nor will ever, have that much access to everything that I am. But, that can also get exhausting and is hard to sustain long term. I am ready for relationships that give more space for awhile. I am ready to use my extra time for my husband, children and the friends that still love me and WANT me in their lives. Also, I want the relationships that thrive on ebb and flow, so that there are no clear endings or beginnings but there is just an easy going acceptance of closeness and distance.

However, she was the best thing that could have ever happened to me in my tumultuous twenties and the first half of my thirties. I truly believe our relationship helped build my foundation of self esteem. It would have been way tougher to become whom I am now without her unconditional support. Other than my husband ( and now children) I actually never felt loved and acknowledged in spirit the way she loved and acknowledged and accepted me. So many people have misunderstood me, called me "too much" or did not validate my sensory overwhelm or needs prior to her. She helped me understand that and OWN it. She helped me traverse my autism diagnosis, the early years of children with post partum depression, and the LARGE adjustments of becoming. I KNOW without a doubt, that life would have looked a lot differently without her. I would have been LESS. I would maybe have withered away without her there to constantly listen, process, acknowledge, dispute, research and provide a constant sounding board.

I know I was also the same for her as in her last email she sent me the song "Because You Loved Me" By Celine Dion and said that the accuracy of the lyrics was true to her. Which was a rare form of emotional expression. I listened and agreed (and was so honoured by that last expression of vulnerable emotion.) I was also her strength when she was weak, her voice when she couldn't speak, her eyes when she couldn't see and saw the best there was in her. We lifted each other up and gave each other faith in life. We truly became parts of ourselves we never would because we loved each other.

My son and I are both Autistic so we have that similarity and understanding too. (We both think the above pin is hilarious.) With my son, he is my truth seeker and my sounding board. If I need an honest opinion I go to him first. He gets a kick out of me and often laughs with an, "oh mommy, you are so adorable." He likes my vulnerable innocent expression because deep down he also has that mushy centre. We both value honesty. We both like to talk about ideas, research and possibilities. Yet, we probably have argued the most out of all my children in the past ( not so much since he has reached teen hood and is able to access his perspectives clearly.) Because we are both intense. We both feel strongly on matters and tend to not wish to compromise on our ideals. We both need schedules but how we go about them is entirely different. I am more spontaneous within my schedule and need to be the boss of how that goes depending on how I am feeling. He also needs to be the boss and prefers a more routine day to day rigidity. We both get on each other's last nerve that way and have to negotiate.

I find negotiating easier with my son because I am the parent still. He would probably say the opposite, although he is getting better and better at negotiating and leaving us both with excellent options. With my former bestie, I was getting tired of negotiating the last year and I think she was too. We were negotiating a lot instead of inspiring. Where as most of our relationship was based on inspiration beforehand. We both wanted to feel more love again. We both wanted to be able to have the freedom to focus on more without our attention constantly on negotiations. With my son, there is a different component. Also being male lends a difference. Growing up in the same home we also share more commonalities to make it easier. Our values are almost fully aligned. Plus a parent child relationship is different. There is more adaptability and less reliance on a partner sort of love and more focus on a working part of family life.

Would I do it all again? Absolutely. I will admit that I have already walked through a few phases of grief and probably will again. When she sent me that song and I listened to it, it took me 45 minutes on a drive to compose myself. I was A MESS. I had a crying hangover the next day. I've also been angry at some things. I have seen how we enabled each other now where as before I would never admitted to that. I see the blame and the pushing that she did to escape me and I finally realized it was time to be done. I held on longer than she wanted to and that does make me angry. She pushed to an end she wanted and some of how that went down triggers the anger part. But I pushed for her to feel and stay and I'm sure that triggers her anger part too. That said, that was only in the last few years. She wanted her family to be more involved, I wanted less. We wanted different expressions in a new season. I also made her angry by not understanding her motives when I easily did in the past because I have been tapping into my feeling side more fully again.

However, most of it was positive. Some of those habits will be tough to break. I think that will be the toughest part of all. We were a daily part of each other for the better part of 13 years and then for the other 2 years we were a weekly part of the fabric of existence. It reminds me of grief. It reminds me of when the harder parts came LATER. There was initial sadness but it was often coupled with closure, focusing on what was given, celebrating the life, and seeing how life will be different and being open to that change. But as the months go by the loss becomes evident. Even if it is what life gave and was necessary. It's still is loss. I have also felt relief, freedom and overall gratitude.

What will I be without her? That is something exciting to explore. On the flip side, it is also something that I can't imagine being without. Her lack of constant feedback will be a large adjustment. Life is full of choices within set experiences that are not up to us either. It is that ever fine line. We may have chosen a clear ending before it naturally happened but preventing natural decay was important for both of us. There are seasons for everything. "Loving you was worth the fall my friend. Didn't we almost have it all?"- Whitney Houston ( The rest of the song doesn't apply really.) Processing it will take awhile but already I feel set up for the beginning of a new season. The prevailing emotion is gratitude but I am trying to honour all the emotions, thoughts and perspectives.

"Looking back, on the memory of, the dance we shared, 'neath the stars above. For a moment, all the world was right. How could I have known, that you'd ever say goodbye, And now, I'm glad I didn't know, the way it all would end. The way it all would go. Our lives are better left to chance. We could have missed the pain, But I'd have had to miss the dance..."- Garth Brooks.

"It's something unpredictable but in the end is right. I hope you have the time of your life."- Green Day

Side note: My husband is an ENFP which differs drastically and I have written about in the Marriage and Partnership label.

For more thoughts on walking away = bravery check out this post: https://worldwecreate.blogspot.com/2016/04/healthy-relationship-indicators-walking.html

For thought ons INFJ feelings (We know how YOU feel but we don't know how WE feel.) Check out this post: https://infjunraveled.tumblr.com/post/183898309781/deep-and-deadly-infj-feelings

Song choice: The Dance- Garth Brooks ( the video is a different version but still good)


Where do Broken Hearts Go- Whitney Houston

Post Edit: Her song to me was "Because You Loved Me" By Celine Dion and I think that definitely applies to how I did love her and was perfection in it's accuracy:)

I honestly think Green Day's "Time of Your Life" song applied overall...it's almost like the end of High School or some other large part of life when you KNOW things are going to be different, that you have to part even if you are good for each other, because life is demanding more...it is kind of like that:

"For Good." Sad Endings Can Equal Calm Beginnings. The Ebb and Flow of Friendship Loss. Giving Love Away Before the Rotten Apples.

( artist unknown)

There is an ebb and flow to life, to relationships, to harmony and living the best life we can. Often people in our lives are there for seasons. Even in meant to be forever relationships (like a marriage that is committed to forever) there are also seasons of ebb ....seasons of less closeness even if it doesn't end in divorce. In our children, we find moments where we are closer and moments when we need to live our own lives. Most importantly, the ebb and flow happens in friendships where both parties are seeking growth in ways that do not include the other person. In the past, I have had childhood friends who have grown apart from me but years later, we unexpectedly salvaged what we lost for a few years...and I have had others who left more permanently and it's better that way.

As an INFJ I have a door slam (see HERE and HERE ) but I also have a strange way of accepting a new phase in relationships. I see it coming. I feel it. I try to fight for it and hope maybe I'm wrong or maybe it's just me that needs to focus...But deep down I know. And the grieving comes. Sometimes for years on and off - and it's deep and emotional. But suddenly, when the break happens, I am surprised at what I thought would break me too, only brings relief. Part of that is what is common in both INTJ and INFJs - the relief that there is finally a clear path. A clear schedule. A final decision. No matter if it is good or bad immediately and possibly forever there is relief to go with....anything that is clear.

But the other part of the relief happens when I honestly know I conducted myself in the best possible way, that we ALMOST had it all, and that most of the memories were beautiful. There may have been some hurt or blame but most of the time, when the breaking point hits, it's suddenly not all that hurtful. There are times it will be sad because loss always is. There are times when a habit happens and one is jolted into realization that one person in that old form is no more. But, if at the end of a relationship, most of what is felt is gratitude...it shows that both people were pretty good to each other. They simply needed something else.

Maybe life will bring them back together after sufficient lessons and growth to treat each other differently? Maybe life has more lessons to teach before such a reconciliation of a new chapter is possible? Or maybe it will be permanent? Like a death in a sense (with a proper goodbye if one is lucky which I was.) Most of the time, if it was good in any way...it comes back in another form later.

For 15 years I had a kindred spirit in my life. She was my other soul mate in many ways but sometimes two soul mates is just too demanding. Life deteriorates too and some choices, be them good or bad, cause division. Some mindsets can't be worked around and require soul work. And soul work often has to be individual to both parties often enough.

I can say I thought I would be destroyed when this day came. On and off I would think of it and get frightened or grieve. But gradual distance happened anyway and while I grieved each of those, I came to this point where there is nothing left to grieve. There ARE things to forgive if I think of them too much but I choose generally to quickly feel them, move through them, and become positive in who I am and who she is. And I ask my community to hold me accountable to not allow the poison of what could have beens or she should have been ect to creep in over time. Positivity matters. And gratitude. There is so much gratitude.

I never thought I would feel...relief...happiness and freedom. And it's not because my Kindred wasn't worth it. It actually is because she WAS. It was mostly healthy most of the time until the beginning of the end...and it needed to have a clear, kind goodbye before it became something more miserable. Before it became embittered too much. Before it melted into unkindness, apathy and murky blame. Part of this is because INFJ's understand other people's emotions before their own. ( See HERE for more.)

15 years of knowing almost everything about each other...makes you almost able to predict how each other will move on. I knew she would be relieved. But honestly, I could not have predicted my relief, but I think a few nice surprises are always a good thing...but the rest, the rest is easy to predict. I often wondered how married couples could part amicably and still be friends or be able to wave if they see each other or wish each other well..and now I know. There are SOUL MATES like my husband and I seem to be. And then there are KINDREDS...and there in lies the difference. One can sustain almost all of life...the other simply lasts for as long as it can. It may flow in, it may ebb out, but it's not a constant. Kindred married couples, I think, are the ones who can still part friendly and keep that friendship sustained. Soul mates, if they do break, break completely and bitterly and CAN NOT keep a friendship because what they had was far too exclusive, mutual, secret and committed. Yes, Kindreds are too but there is a little less of that soul, that shared ness I think. I could be wrong but that is now how I can sort of understand it. That said I wasn't in a marriage luckily. At times it oddly felt like that the rare time, and maybe that is also why we both needed to break. Or a break. Or an ending for a new beginning. Who knows?

I always wanted a friend whom I could share the Wicked song "For Good" with. That seemed impossible to me because in order to have that...that person would have to be a deep sister kindred...and then there would have to be an end that wasn't death in order to say a goodbye, with enough kindness left and thought-fullness to be able to say:

"I've heard it said, That people come into our lives for a reason. Bringing something we must learn. And we are led to those who help us most to grow if we let them. And we help them in return. Well, I don't know if I believe that's true. But I know I'm who I am today because I knew you. Like a comet pulled from orbit as it passes the sun, like a stream that meets a boulder, halfway through the wood. Who can say if I've been changed for the better. But because I knew you. I've been changed for good. It may well be that we will never meet again in this lifetime. So let me say before we part, that so much of me is made of what I learned from you. You'll be with me like a handprint on my heart. And now whatever way our stories end. I know you have re written mine by being my friend.Like a ship blown from it's mooring by a wind off the sea. Like a seed dropped by a sky bird in a distant wood. Who can say if I've been changed for the better but because I knew you I have been changed for good. And just to clear the air I ask forgiveness for the things I've done you blame me for, but then again I guess there is blame to share and none of that seems to matter anymore. Like a comet pulled from orbit as it passes the sun. (By a wind off the sea) Like a stream that meets a boulder (Like a seed dropped by a bird) Halfway through the wood.(In the wood) Who can say if I've been changed for the better. I do believe I have been changed for the better. And because I knew you...[Elphaba:] Because I knew you...[Both:]Because I knew you.I have been changed...For good." ( For Good Wicked Lyrics)

Maybe I should be careful what I wish for? Or maybe I should be thankful wishes come true? I guess it is all truly boils down to perspective.

My mother's sister passed away a year tomorrow, my husband's mother 3 years on Sunday...and today my mom quoted Shakespeare in her reverie, "Beware the ides of March." Yes, March seems to bring loss but it also signifies the end to Winter, Winter's death so to speak, and Spring renewal. I am not in any way trivializing loss, as I often feel it more than most will ever know...but I also feel hope and beginnings. Beware the ides of March ...it was a warning I knew at all times. I saw it coming. Recently I posted a picture of me and my bestie and my heart told me it was near the end. I knew when I shared the photo, that it was signifying a short end soon. I didn't want to say it out loud. I fought it. I guess who wouldn't?  I had nightmares and warning dreams I chose not to share with her because I hoped I wouldn't make it happen sooner. Something good is hard to let go of...but it's like an apple. Eventually the red rosey shine dulls, and one day the brown starts inside. If it isn't eaten or given away to be enjoyed by someone else soon, the rot on the inside eventually takes over the entire beauty and suddenly there is a mushed brown blob where a flourishing healthy fruit used to be. Instead of allowing rot, we give the apple away to someone who will eat it if we are not going to... That was probably a weird analogy but hopefully it illustrates more of my point.

I know some people were jealous of our relationship. They were baffled about it. At a point that maybe should have been the beginning of the end, I didn't want to PROVE them right...that it was too weird or not normal. But then I realized that it still was a treasure regardless and it would have been something I was jealous of too. And I was lucky to have it for many, many seasons. It was HARD work sometimes, and sometimes it was easy, most of the time it was chill but it could also be intense. For all the "I told you something like that couldn't last." I say, "But didn't we almost have it all? It DID last for more than a decade of life...half way to two decades...and thus it lasted the season it was meant to last." There are things that make me angry if I dwell on them but mostly...not. In some ways it is no longer a loss because of how things were un spiralling...it would have been no loss at all if time would have kept us together- eventually it would have all been rotten. But this way, if I focus on the positives, I still see the sweet apple. And maybe that apple will be preserved as a jam sometime to be shared in the future (ha that metaphor is not working as perfectly as I would like.) We have said our official goodbyes but we wish each other health, happiness and the best. And it shouldn't be too awkward if we bump into each other. I also won't have to act because I will be genuinely pleased to see her alive.

In a lot of ways she was a Galinda in my life and I was Elphaba. In some ways two unlikely friends, in other ways similar. We were at times ill suited yet also meant to be... and we had to learn how to BE and now we must learn to not.

Sometimes love has to be given away. We hear that all the time. We hear if it comes back to you it was true and if it doesn't it was never yours in the first place. It can be both. Sometimes it doesn't come back because life is tricky but it still was true. We don't own people. We can only love them and cherish the time we have with them. When we start demanding more it can be poisoned. At the same time, expectations, boundaries and growth are part of healthy relationships. Sometimes one or more parties are unwilling to go there...or maybe they do but even with the best of intentions we are actually the stumbling blocks in the way of growth? Whose to say.


Whose to say if I've been changed for the better? ( I do believe I have been changed for the better.) But I have been changed for good. And now, like Elphaba in the broadway play Wicked, I get to exit stage left with my forever Fiyero...and that still equals a happy ending to a new beginning even if we can never go back to Oz.

(Artist Unknown)

For an update I wrote about bumping into her a few weeks later here: https://worldwecreate.blogspot.com/2019/05/executive-functioning-fails-in-language.html

Song Choice: For Good- Kristin Chenoweth and Idina Menzel Wicked My song to her.




Post Edit: Her song to me was "Because You Loved Me" By Celine Dion and I think that definitely applies to how I did love her and was perfection in it's accuracy:)

I honestly think Green Day's "Time of Your Life" song applied overall...it's almost like the end of High School or some other large part of life when you KNOW things are going to be different, that you have to part even if you are good for each other, because life is demanding more...it is kind of like that:

Women's Equalization? Are we the Same or is it Better to be "Different but NOT Less?" Women's Health "Equalization"/ Autonomy and Respect.

"Oh you are a Feminist." I have heard that statement more times than I can count, and it is often accompanied by a tone of derision, from mostly men, yet on the flip side of the coin from strong, fellow women I have heard condescendingly, "You are obviously not enough of a Feminist." Which one am I?

I am what I am, a product of my body, hormones, genetic make up, choices, environment and so much more...

Recently, we had a study in our home and the topic of Women's Rights came up. There was back and forth between the males of the group and the two only females of the group which included myself. I find I am often the female minority in Philosophy groups- a point I am still curious of. Is it religious demographic or is it a larger question of female and male? I don't know. Anyway, at one point in the conversation I became fed up and interrupted with, "It's like what we advocate for in Autistic communities....Autism is DIFFERENT but NOT Less. As Autistics we do NOT want the same opportunities as "normal" people. If you put us in an extreme sensory situation we will not measure up. If we are required to give the proper eye contact and the same socially acceptable behaviour as our peers, we will probably not be given the job. What we need instead is greater understanding that although we may have differences and weaknesses in some areas, we will have strengths equal to or surpassing in others. The same should be said for women in general. While it is true that some women can be stronger than men, in general this is not usually the case. But just because we are not physically stronger, does not meant that we should not have the same freedom to try certain jobs ect.

"Different and not less" is about respect for the individual. It's about autonomy and the ability to choose the life that works for us. It is about the ability to bring our certain skill sets and be acknowledged for them or given the time and patience for us to prove our potential in outside the box ways. It's about defying societal expectations instead of conforming to them, but it's also about trying, in our own way to achieve societal contributions and acceptance. It's that fine line between the Yin and the Yang. And it's more work than just general social acceptance and pushing everyone to achieve the same goals.

In Women's Issues, I am getting frustrated because even though we have made substantial steps toward autonomy, the suppression of our clear differences is being affected during these marches to freedom. While there are exceptions to all things and ways of Being, in general, there ARE biological, physical, chemical, psychological, and physiological, differences between the male and female body. These should be celebrated instead of ignored. Also, they are an important part of health and functioning.

In our day and age we still do not talk about the complications of prolonged menstruation and women's health. Women are starting periods as early as 8 years of age and sometimes bleeding into their fifties. This time of menstruating is longer than anytime in history- especially without the multiple breaks of pregnancy that were part of life before this century (which obviously came with other serious health issues.) While the pill has been toted as the "miracle pill", many women are finding after years of being on BC their health problems come back worse and complications arise from long term use, even if they didn't get the horrid side effects that can accompany birth control. Long term effects like increased blood clots, cancer, early death, infertility, hormone imbalanced conditions, and autoimmune diseases ect. Women's health is under researched and not discussed often enough. Even saying the word "period" is often met uncomfortably from both men and women! Yet, the jokes of male anatomy are often met with snickers from all sides at the very least. Birth and menstruation are essential to human life, both male and female and should be an accepted part of conversation in all circles. Until we get to a point where the women's body is treated as more complex in medical situations and with the respect we deserve, women have a long way to go in "equality." Equality does not mean that our bodies should be given the same amount of time as a male patient's doctors appointment, it means we should be given a longer slot of time to be equal in treatment. Fair is not fair. Equality should mean that menstruation and it's potential health effects should be as researched as male pattern baldness even though the money is not in it.

An example of un-equal treatment would be how women are treated when they have heavy bleeding but refuse Hysterectomy, Ablations or the Pill. See THIS ARTICLE. Our system is Male centric. The female doctors that have dealt with my issues often do not have the same issues I do...I honestly believe most female doctors are in the percentage of women who have experienced light, normal bleeding because they probably wouldn't have had the time or energy to get to that position if they had heavy, iron depleted, menstruation month after month. It IS limiting. One in 5 women experience heavy bleeding or complications from their cycles. It is a pretty hopeless situation for those who do not wish to compromise their body with the effects from birth control or have an Ablation and Hysterectomy.

Personally, I know this to be true because I have also been treated with derision, condemnation and rudeness in multiple medical situations because I refused to go on birth control or to have an ablation. I have been heavily anemic for most of my life and have spent the last decade with a Ferritin ranging from 2-9 ( and never higher than 9.) I have been on birth control once and it made my issues worse and my bleeding lasted for months. After extensive reading, many anecdotal stories and the limited research on the long term effects on Women's health, I will never go back on it. That said, I do believe it has a place in society and that for a select few it is the best choice. The doctors are not kind when they realize you will not easily be fixed. It is rare to find a Doctor who advocates for root cause or takes the long term, long hours of digging and care to diagnose the complexity of women's health issues. I have also found women doctors to be especially unkind about this because if the pill worked for them, why wouldn't it work for me? Some of these same women march in Women's Rights rallies which I find slightly ironic. I guess I find acting upon beliefs in the day to day more substantial, although there is a place for marches too, but if we are going to march, we should know the full scope of women's experiences and engage in understanding.

THIS ARTICLE sites, "Recently, Hormones Matter has begun to explore the legalities of the medical informed consent, here and here. With all the adverse effects associated with endometrial ablation, especially the need for hysterectomy later, one must question whether women are informed about those risks. As I have found when investigating this topic, there are few long term studies on endometrial ablation. Many of the articles cited for this post come from paywalled journals that are not readily available to either the patients or the physicians – the costs are prohibitive for both. So it is not clear whether the physicians performing these procedures are aware of the long-term risks associated with ablation. And as one physician suggests, neither the pathologists nor radiologists responsible for diagnosing post ablation pathology are trained to recognize these complications. Without data or access to data and without training, one wonders whether it is even possible to have informed consent for a procedure like ablation." 

Why is it, that in 2019, we still do not have involved informed consent on Women's health procedures? Why is this so under researched? Why are Doctors so prone to slap a "hypochondriac" label or "Anxiety" label on women who are suffering with hormonal issues or bleeding issues that are legitimate and need new cures? Thus far, there are no long term cures for Endometriosis nor for PCOS or Hypothyroidism or many issues that mostly belong to women. We are in an age of scientific discovery and so called "rights" yet we have not even made huge strides in these areas. Or what about the scarily high rates of death and longe term affects in maternal health care? Yes, we have made large strides, and yet most causes of mortality or morbidity are from Doctors mistakes in the Health care system. See THIS, THIS, THIS, THIS and THIS article.

I hear men talk about abortion and the injustice of it and yet I do not hear them talk about the injustice of the rising mortality rate in pregnant women or infant death. Why is that? Every day approximately 830 women die of PREVENTABLE causes of death in childbirth. Until you can talk to me about that issue, I will not listen to arguments of equalization between males and females. Until you can discuss the 4.8 million (as of 2016) females and children being sold into the sex trades and the whopping 85% of women in domestic abuse situations as opposed (to the also sad statistic) of 15% men, you can not talk to me about abortions. 

In my personal birth experiences I had a doula twice to advocate for my rights, and in these situations my rights were still ignored in some regards. My body wasn't treated as my own in my first birth and I suffered severe post partum depression for years after, along with heavy bleeding for 12 weeks and health issues. Nurses were often worse then the doctors. It is a travesty that women are cold to other women and treat these tender issues between life and death as trivial. While birth is an everyday part of life, it is in no way trivial.

Having female genitalia and hormones IS different from having male genitalia and hormones. Equalization would not be fair. We NEED to be treated differently. But that does not mean that we should not have the same amount of opportunities that men have enjoyed in the past. We should have access to our own decisions, and the ability to make a good life, whatever that entails, with personal power.

With my anemia and blood loss every month, I could never hold down a regular job. Other women in my experiences have either understood that because they have been there too, or are generally pretty harsh about it. Are we not all on the same side? Should we not be fighting FOR each other instead of WITH each other? If I choose to stay home and have my husband work, and he is happy to do so, should that not be acceptable? (*If my daughter wants to work and is capable of doing so and her partner wishes to stay home, that should also be a right celebrated.) Am I not still working and still legitimate in the social order of things? If my husband protects me when I am vulnerable and bleeding and can barely get out of bed does that make me weaker or incapable of making my own decisions? Does it mean that he "rules" over me? I am proud that my guy feels compelled to protect me when I am physically vulnerable. FYI that physicality does not mean I am weaker, on the contrary I'd argue it makes me stronger in some aspects to deal with what I do and still BE, but it does mean he has different strengths I rely on during different parts of the month. And I have strengths and protect him in other ways. I want him to open the doors for me. I want to lean on him when I can barely make it to the next room because I am so depleted of oxygen and iron. I want him to advocate for me and stick up for me when the male or female doctors are not listening to me but they will listen to him. It doesn't make up for the injustice of the situation but I'm grateful he is around. And what of the women who do not have a stronger partner or advocate for them (be it male or female?)

When I am pregnant and I choose not to go to war, am I less than a man? If a woman wants to go to war for her country she should. But she is generally in the minority and I think that is ok. If we actually look at the health stats of women in general, we see why that is. Millions of women suffer from minor to major hormone and cyclical or pregnancy/birth related life complications. We ARE at a disadvantage this way. But we also BIRTH life and create in ways that men can't. Men are not less because they do not do this, and we are not less because we can.

Because my health issues are more complex in this female body I am housed in, am I less legitimate? If I am suffering and find myself at the mercy of the medical system to try to find the root cause is it just female hysteria? History says we have made progress, and certainly there have been baby steps, but personal experience along with a majority of anecdotal evidence, has proven we have a long way to go.

I do not want to be equal to a man in body. That's not how I was made. I know a few women who could possibly be equal in the hormonal concoction or perhaps in strength they surpass many men, but in general it is the exception and not the rule, so why are we advocating for this? It will do us a huge disservice. Many middle aged women are stuck between wishing to come off strong to maintain their jobs but also dealing with the hormonal affects of cycles and aging. Before this time men have been the majority in the work place and women have proudly and rightfully found their places, but now we have to ask ourselves, how do we make work places and society more women centric too? Not just females fitting into the male prototype of being able to be constant, instead of a woman who is cyclical and should be proud of her ties to the moon, nature and nurturing? Yes some women are not and that is okay too but for the majority who are - where is our cyclical society? Where are the peer reviewed studies on our long term health affects and hormones? Where are the damaging statistics on many of the archaic procedures and medicines still harming us? Where are the work schedules that allow for our cyclical flexibility?

Anytime this conversation comes up, a man usually brings up the subject of the "de- masculinity" of boys in our culture. While I do believe there are some concerns with the pendulum swinging too far the other way, due to our recent patriarchal past and rightful reactions to this, I still feel the same rule applies to men. I want my boys to be different not less. They can have whatever expression of their lives that they chose. And I wish for them to respect the women in their lives and be aware of cycles, changes and differing health concerns. I also want the women in their lives to respect their different struggles, strengths, health and weaknesses. I am not a man and can not speak for one. However I have and CAN advocate for my husband and boys in many situations. That is what I wish for them to also do for me. We are all human and in that we are equal. Yet, we all have our differences and in this time in history, it is important that we do not ignore these facts, while making crucial steps onward into growth and hopeful change.

Song Choice: Wonder Woman- Kacey Musgraves....I chose this out of a myriad of songs because of this lyric "Don't you know I'm only human? And if I let you down I don't mean to. All I need is a place to land, I don't need a super man to win my lovin' cuz baby I ain't wonder woman." And yes, that is it. WE are the human scope of brilliant diversity...yet we also have distinct challenges in our genetic make up that need to be acknowledged in places of health and the work place. It's complex, it's tricky and it involves the rights of many, but with a case by case approach and societal expressions of different NOT less, it CAN be accomplished. We all can rise to complex life challenges and come out celebrated. ( On a side note Congrats to Kacey for winning the Grammy's Album of the year as it is probably the record I have listened to over and over the most since I bought it the day it came out...YAY!)

Post Edit: I AM grateful for the tests, procedures and birth control we DO have, however in this time of history I think it is reasonable to push for advancements. The realm of Women's Speciality health is still fairly new and we have further to go. Birth Control pills gave us freedom and many countries could still benefit from remedying the lack, however, the side effects and the long term effects need to be more researched and I am SURE there are better alternatives yet to come! For those of us who do not have those options due to family history of blood clots or excessive bleeding or whatever, there should already be ongoing progress into alternatives (Depro Provera alone needs an entire post on it's own about it's dangers and research ect....) Another entire post could be on the comfortability and support during scary tests for women. We could also do better in this department even if it means a few more health care dollars thrown into cheery paint, waiting room art and kinder technicians...I digress because I could go on and on....:)