Explaining the phrase; "INFJ; If I Cut you Off- Chances Are You Handed Me the Scissors." A Blog Post on INFJ Boundaries/ Fairness/ Accessibility and Relationships .

*NOTE: As I have mentioned before in posts, personality is ONE aspect of being human and your individual make up. Environment, upbringing, birth, health, trauma, life experience, mental or cognitive differences, genetics, beliefs, gender preferences, country of origin....there are so many aspects that make up YOU. However, I firmly believe finding your accurate personality helps you understand more of yourself and how you work. Take a free test HERE: http://www.16personalities.com - or sign up with an email and take test here http://www.personalityhacker.com/genius-personality-test/ (this site has amazing insight, podcasts and videos.) The key is to answer as you ARE and not as you would want to be like. Meyers Briggs/ Keirsey is what the 16 personalities is based on and has research behind it for a reason. It is more of a descriptor of what you value and how you work out of the world in regards to communication and relationships. I am speaking with authority about INFJ because I am one. However, I make sure I am also reading up on all of the other types and I listen to every single Personality Hacker. Understanding more than just your type is key but writing about YOUR type can help the world. I encourage you, if you are not an INFJ, to write about your type and feel free to link it in the comments, as we need more personal stories on other types out there:) *

                                           

The first time I read the quote" If I cut you off- chances are you handed me the scissors," I felt like some of my previous relationships were summed up in a nutshell. INFJ's have a high tolerance for conflict resolution and harmony, until suddenly, all it takes is one (seemingly) tiny moment to make them break. See THIS post for more. 

Accessibility, No Easy Roads to the INFJ, An Instagram Example:

"You'd have to understand how accessible I'm not, to really appreciate how accessible I am to you. Everyone's access isn't granted." The beauty or quirkiness (depending on perspective) of INFJ personality type is that they are protective of their personal spaces. INFJ's can be 'over the top' giving in their relationships, but they also are not easily accessible. They will SEEM open in public and perhaps come across as an easy acquaintance on first meeting, but it takes a lot of time for someone to be granted in their inner circle.

"INFJ - I closed off all easy roads leading to me. But I'm reachable if you're wiling to go the extra mile." 

Maybe it sounds harsh to other personality types? But it is important to know the larger context of an INFJ, which you can find HERE.  INFJ's also struggle with their own continual guilt patterns. Melissa wrote HERE, "The INFJ mind is very good at coming up with reasons we should feel guilty. Our Introverted Intuition seeks out patterns in our own behaviour. Our Extroverted Feeling picks up on how we make others feel and evaluates our actions in light of how people “should” be. Our Introverted Thinking is quite happy to analyze our faults to death. And that pesky Extroverted Sensing adds even more guilt by whispering that all this shouldn’t matter and we could just go have fun."

INFJ's Do Not Just Give Their Time to Anyone:

INFJ's are complex, private, contradictory, highly empathetic but boundary minded, and require a ton of space. Which is why, when an INFJ actually DOES take the time to check in via email, text, video, blog post or whichever medium they regularly feel comfortable with, IT MATTERS. You should know they don't just do this with anyone. If you are on their "list" you MUST have done something in the past to traverse through a few of their initial layers. Their inner circle may just be 6 people, but their secondary circle or even last circle is an honorary place to be. 

                                 

I understand equalization means different things to different people. Also life can not be 50/50 (even in relationships.) My husband and I have a healthy relationship, but through out the years one of us will try harder than the other. We take turns being the stronger or weaker one...but we also try to meet half way as much as we possibly can. Friendships are varied and have lesser expectations. But they do become a problem if for a decade, one person is always reaching above the 80 percent mark while the other person is comfortable giving 20.

"INFJ- I still love the people I have loved, even if I cross the street to avoid them." 

INFJ's are quite connective. Even with our Doorslam, we think on the person who has abused or misused our trust, and we still see their good points. We almost ALWAYS, without many exceptions, UNDERSTAND why a person does what they do or how they are who they are. This is because of our perspective taking driver and gut intuition. Which makes it hard to hate anyone. Even most criminals. A fact that baffles other personality types. How can someone who has such ethical, perfectionistic tendencies, stick up for or explain a hardened criminal? We are contradictory in our natures but it is because of our understanding that we can not hate for long. 

We can become angry. It is also true, that at our core we are sensitive and mushy. We can occasionally Door slam (which is different from subtly cutting someone off. I've heard our ability to subtly cut someone off is also called "Ghosting." That actually describes it well.  A Doorslam is usually permanent. Cutting someone off is more of a distance mechanism with the ability to re consider if approaches change or life changes.) But most often, we will simply move someone to an outer circle with as much kindness as possible. It is only when they continue to demand more, that we start to shut our door.

Time Boundaries/ Graciousness, and Selectivity;

If I invite a person over, it does not come lightly. I understand busyness, especially in today's world. I avidly protect my time. I believe, if someone is valued, they will be given time occasionally. It's about priorities. I have a limit and can recognize when I am not a priority. If I try to accommodate someone at least three times, move my schedule around to get together with them, after multiple cancellations, or if they continually come an hour late or do not text me till hours after they were supposed to arrive...I will reach my limit of graciousness. I may try two or three more times, within a year, to invite them over, but if the same patterns happen again, I will cut my losses. I will not bother anymore. Obviously, my time is not important to them on a larger level which is ok, but then I can apply the same rules... or they do not deem getting together as a priority. That is an allowable boundary on their part, but it is also okay for me to be more selective in the future.

My husband often teases that I have exceptionally high standards for the closest people in my life. This is true. But part of this is because I am quite happy alone for the most part. I love being a hermit and if I give my time, it is usually some sort of sacrifice. I hold myself to even higher standards. Yet, I also know the pitfalls of perfectionism. I make sure I am accepting of my flaws and others. I tend to give more, in the ways that I can, then I take. I also know I am a handful. I am ok with that and admire the people who accept whom I am within reason. I try to stretch myself too...

The INFJ Need for Protection Instead of Validation:

It may seem that I am looking for constant validation. If that were true I would take the offers of blog promotion or guest blogs.  I prefer protection. I feel the most love from people in the form of protection. I am ok with disagreeing or having different lifestyles, but I dislike not having a protective sort of relationship, when each person strives to make compassionate peace and gives protection of general privacy and freedom.  "INFJ's are far less interested in validation and are more interested in protection. They don't need you to agree with them, they need to know you're not going to hurt them, even if the fear of hurt is deeply unconscious." When it comes down to it, I simply am looking for people who will value and protect my space or personality with all it's weaknesses and strengths, and allow me to do the same back.

Another part of this equation is that INFJ's can sense people's moods. Even over the phone. We know when we are being lied to but we won't say anything because we value each person's journey. We understand that if there is a lie, there is a reason that is not for us to explore, unless it is within one of our first circles of people. Thus, healthy INFJ's cannot be surrounded by a bunch of people. They will absorb too much moodiness and human emotion. They need ample downtime to decompress from the best of situations. Thus the strong boundaries.

We will think through all the reasons why we should allow a person to stay. We will consider the differences in personality, upbringing, environment ect. But then all of a sudden, there will come a moment where we realize "They just handed me the scissors." Usually it is significantly small compared to the many moments that were larger leading up to that moment.

The Natural Ebb and Flow of Relationships:

In life, there are natural years when we become closer to certain friends, and life takes us on another path, and we re join each other later, or walk away. Most INFJ's are quite understanding about different moments, or years in life. There is a season for everything.

No Need to Explain:

I used to try to give more explanations to people of why they were cut out of my life. In rare occasions, I will still try to extend a kind explanation if I sense that a person is in a vulnerable state but they are still too toxic to be in my space. In this circumstance I want to cause the least damage. But mostly, I have realized explanations make things worse. Distance is best. 

"If other people do not understand our behaviour- so what? Their request that we must do only what they understand is an attempt to dictate to us. If this is being "irrational" or "antisocial" in their eyes, so be it. Mostly they resent our freedom and our courage to be ourselves. We owe nobody an explanation or an accounting, as long as our acts do not hurt or infringe on them. How many lives have been ruined by this need to explain, which usually implies that the explanation be understood. Ie Approved. Let your deeds be judged and from your deeds, your real intentions, but know that a free person owes an explanation only to himself- to his reason and conscience and the few who may have a justified claim to explanation."- Anonymous

The few that have a claim to justified explanations, deserve them. The rest, just require space. The same rule applies to self. I make sure, if I am making claims on someone, that I am in a justified position to do so. Sometimes I make the mistake of assumption. In those circumstance, it will take me awhile to adjust to my new role, but I will adjust. That's life.

The True INFJ need In Relationships- Protection and Home:

At our core, INFJ's reveal ourselves in layers. If we sense a flinch to whom we are, we seal off access to that part of our soul. Sometimes we give multiple chances, others we are done off the bat. We are open to people, in the sense that we are open to humanity. We give advice and most of our conversations can seem deep. But to truly share our inner lives, our quirkiness, our dark sense of humour, our odd connections and secret loves of life...you need to feel like HOME. Home involves, first and foremost, an element of safety. 

Ten Actions that May Cause an INFJ to Get out the Proverbial Scissors or "Ghost" a Relationship:

If you handed the scissors to an INFJ you most likely did one or more of these ten actions (although these vary from person to person but these ARE attributes most INFJ's agree upon.) I actually do not love giving a list, as it is more of a process than cut and dry, but someone asked me to try to state the main points:

1.) You pushed an agenda they can't get behind, over and over. (An agenda being pushed occasionally is understandable in life...Bullying however, is not.)
2.) You spoke harshly over and over about those they love. INFJ's have pretty flexible, numerous gray areas of life, but there are usually a few unbreakable lines that they surprisingly have. Usually these lines pertain to those they love in some way. Then their seemingly high amount of tolerance becomes obsolete. I once had a family member state that Autism was a form of sin, and my children just needed to confess their sinful nature. That was a moment of scissors for me. Years later, I gradually allowed a slow, re building of that relationship, once change was shown but for years the tie was completely cut. I also learned more about their context and now understand how they could have stated something like that without the sting. I may disagree but I do understand now and realize I should not have taken such a strong reaction against their opinion.
3.) You asked for more than you gave, over and over again, in most areas of life. That’s fine as a ministry but it’s not a friendship. 

4.) You dissed something that was a core of who they are. For myself, if someone completely disregards a subject I am passionate on, this will help lead to a cut off. I don't mind if they disagree but if they hate on something I love regularly, even though they know it's important to me, that becomes a problem. Like my unreasonable love of Glee, or my Autism diagnosis, constant search for the meaning in everything, or engagement with personality types ect. There are some things I share that are core to whom I am, and if it is met with derision more than once that is not friendship, it's an acquaintance.
5.) Judgment. Whether spiritual, religious, racial, or even over the top 'social justice warrioring'  ect. or any form of intolerance or cruelty. Basically, a lack of thinking or philosophizing that equals a malicious action or intent against humanity in extreme or daily acts. We will not tolerate this well, on a regular basis, even if it impersonal. Is it a contradiction that we are judging the judgers but yet do not tolerate judging? Yup, it's definitely part of our make up.
6.) We are fine if you want to be the same as everyone else. We also are not as protective about individuality as certain other personality types are. To each their own. We don't need to be special snowflakes. We know whom we are. BUT if we are forced into a way of life or it is asked that our friends conform to certain behaviours ect... Well, that won't go over well. We tolerate conformity for the most part, because we realize all the nuances of society and the balances required, but in relationships, we tolerate this point, until suddenly we don't...A conformist mindset most likely would cause issues if combined with other points.
7.) Constant complaining or an inability to even partially understand deeper meanings in life. In short- Ignorance and Martyrdom.
8.) Inability to understand intuition or receive guidance. Especially derision of our carefully honed intuition. There is science to it...it's not a mystic whim. We just observe and predict definite outcomes. This is a large part of whom we are.
9.) A general lack of respect for time given or gifts given and then judgments made without the slightest consideration of reciprocity or equality on a sliding scale. But we see you are capable of respect, equality or reciprocity and know it is not because of a lack of understanding. Social status climbers especially can be guilty of this and we will cut off a tie quickly if we feel we are being used.
10.) You broke trust. Doubt= Distance.

The Benefits of an INFJ Friendship/ Fairness and Contradictions:
Most INFJ's make valuable, loyal, quirky, insightful and dedicated friends. They will give honesty where it is lacking, compassion when it is needed, kindness even though they are not given the same level back, firmness when a boundary is required, intuition and guidance for core moments, and an interesting perspective on life. They also need other personalities to help balance out their immense intensity.  ( To other INFJs - sometimes we just need to chill!) 

INFJ's are not easily acquired in friendship or in life. They may have a few high standards, but they apply these fairly to themselves. If they cut you off, you can be guaranteed they thought of your position in depth. They applied understanding and knew what would be your defences if you spoke for yourself. They probably gave a few hours of fair consideration. They probably even gave some unwarranted chances. Or maybe they simply had enough? We all have our limits as human beings, INFJ's are usually clear about their boundaries within behaviour. If they withdrew, you probably crossed one.

If you put up with their quirks, mistakes and neurosis, it is a guarantee that they will repay you in spades. Either in loyalty, gifts, unusual advice, infusing meaning and purpose into life, or creating beautiful safe places. You know that you are valued if they include you in their process. They do not do this with just anyone. You KNOW you are loved if they text you occasionally first, invite you over occasionally or take time in some way or form at least a few times a year.

My husband stated on a recent drive home, "I will never be as fair as you in relationships. I will never have as high standards either so I guess we balance each other out, but you are fair even when we fight. I know you consider me as much as yourself. Being fair is a gift you give, but life is not always fair, which I know you know, and I guess makes it even more valuable that you strive to give fairness where you can. If you are calling me on a behaviour, as much as I cringe or hate it, I know deep down you are most likely right and have given a lot of thought to bringing it up." When he says statements like that, he provides even more reasons, that in his case, proverbial scissors do not even exist. There would only be one exception when they would surface, but otherwise, they are not even an option. Some relationships need to thrive on dedication. A contradiction? Perhaps...

Song Choice: Girl on Fire- Naya Rivera Glee