(Artwork by Terri Foss)
"I'm done- Spinning round and round. Planting my feet in the ground. I'm not afraid of the dark. I'm not afraid to get hurt."- Ingrid Michealson
"Fours almost seem to drown in their hearts as a way of relating to the intensity of their emotions. In their feelings they experience a magnetic draw toward deep sorrow and deep joy- feelings that remind them that they are alive, while everything around them seems to be dying. When Fours come home to themselves, they welcome the courage to explore the fullness of their hearts."- Christopher L Heurtz
4w5 wings are not afraid of the darkness that resides within. I'm not afraid to get hurt. I'm probably more afraid when I don't feel at all. I found it enlightening when Beatrice Chestnut wrote that 4 Types 'shadow,' which are the parts we deny or try to avoid facing, are actually the positive aspects of other types of self.
"It is the good things about themselves that Fours relegate to unconsciousness and don't own or see...One of the main challenges Fours face is that their tendency to focus on what is missing or lacking in situations can get them stuck in a negative cycles in which they can't make the transitions to accepting what is satisfying and 'good enough' in the present. They don't recognize or acknowledge their own positive qualities, like their capabilities for growth and positive change, their inherent lovability, and their beauty and power." - Beatrice Chestnut (pg. 282 The Complete Enneagram.)
I have been sitting on that chestnut since February when I picked up Beatrice's book. I admit to crying through my type's entire chapter. But it was good when I balanced the insights with my own experience, read a couple blogs by actual Type 4 people, and read the "Sacred Enneagram." After 6 months of reflection I can honestly say, "I'm done spinning round and round." I may have never been afraid to get hurt or of the dark, but I have been afraid of my own magic of self. I have been afraid of my beauty and power. I have been scared to embrace positivity and the emotions like "enthusiasm" or "happiness." And slowly, over my Spring season I have found my baby roots and I am blooming up to the sky.
"Head above the clouds. Mamma come look at me now. I'm not afraid of the world. I'm gonna fight like a girl." Ingrid Michaelson
I've realized that I am deserving of love and capable of being loved, just like anyone else. I often take on the darker feelings and parts of reality that most don't wish to acknowledge. "Fours make good targets for unconscious group projections of the Shadow, not because they are actually bad in some way but because they are highly sensitive to emotions like grief and pain. They make effective targets for others projections because they cant help but be aware of- and voice- the negative aspects that others do not wish to see or own..."- Beatrice Chestnut (pg 279.)
I'm not afraid of the world. I'm most often afraid of my self. And I have been in a place where that has suddenly stopped. I am embracing what I am again. Which honestly will be a life long struggle of ebb and flow. But right now, I'm going to fight like the girl that I AM.
I'm not afraid of the world. I'm most often afraid of my self. And I have been in a place where that has suddenly stopped. I am embracing what I am again. Which honestly will be a life long struggle of ebb and flow. But right now, I'm going to fight like the girl that I AM.
"Running around with my long hair. Tearing my dress and I don't care. If you're looking for something beautiful..."- Ingrid Michaelson
I have realized that I can rest in my unshakable true self. Self actualization is my anthem and it's ok to be beautiful along with my other side. "Along with Type Twos, Fours are the most emotional of the Enneagram personalities. In contrast to Twos, however, Fours tend to be more introverted and are sometimes more intellectual. Fours are also more likely to feel and be comfortable feeling a wider range of emotions, including hate and anger whereas Twos repress these feelings out of a persistent desire to avoid offending others."- B. Chestnut pg 281.
"Perhaps more than any other Enneagram types, Fours possess the gift of empathy....Fours have a natural comfort with a wide range of feelings, from joy to rage to fear to sadness...Their ability to feel their own feelings at a deep level gives them both a familiarity with and understanding of the intense emotional experiences of others... They have the natural ability to intuit what is happening below the surface of things on a deeper, emotional level."- Beatrice Chestnut pg. 281
"I'm pretty sure that I'm all good. Walking away from you like I should. Washing it all away. No, I'm not just pretty. No, I'm pretty Good."- Ingrid Michaelson
The lyric above hit my soul. YES! When I walk away from expectations of what I SHOULD be, or from those who make me feel I am tough to love, I become cleansed. It's time to stop fearing the abandonment complex that Fours can struggle with as their inner childhood wound. Often spirituality and honouring our origins of creative Divine is the way to balance this. As Elphaba sings in Wicked, "Too long I've been afraid of losing love, I guess I've lost. Well, if that's love it comes at much too high a cost."
"Rosy cheeks and lips. She talks but nobody listens. That's just the way of the world. I gotta fight like a girl." Ingrid Michaelson
At the same time, I have learned how to relax into ' good enough' for myself and for others. Instead of idealizing what I need or what I believe is missing from my life, I now see that I have all that I need. Perception is half the equation. Because the magic in the mundane can be found. I know, because recently I have discovered so much of it, and wake with anticipation! It used to drive me crazy when my INFJ perceptive, intuitive advice would be ignored by my close friends. I would talk but my warnings would not be listened to. But now I realize, people do what they wish. I can still advise or give insight when it matters, but maybe they need to learn their own lessons. That's just the way of the world. I have learned (mostly) when it is ok to disappear.
"I'm pretty sure that I look good, Walking away from you like I should. Washing it all away. I'm not just pretty, No, I'm pretty Damn Good."- Ingrid Michaelson
This doesn't mean I have to be friends with them or have them in my life anymore, but it does mean that the prevailing emotion is gratitude. Of course, true to a Four I will cycle through anger, loss, pain ect...because Fours are comfortable with these expressions and to deny them would be to deny our own self. But, the key is for us to see the growth so we can feel those emotions in our Shadow. Which hilariously are every one else's light; The emotions of happiness, joy, enthusiasm, and lighter aspects of Being. I admit, I used to be a bit of snob to those emotions...I liked them enough, but I thought anyone who LIVED in them was slightly shallow. Now, I am learning they are part of the equation. Those who live in them, will have to learn the opposite lesson. Which is that anger, grief, jealousy, sadness ect. are also a needed part of living WHOLE.
"Sure in my own skin. Again and again and again. I am my everything. No, I'm not just pretty. No I'm pretty damn good."- Ingrid Michealson
The above lyrics are my favourite from the entire song. 'Sure in my own skin.' This lesson I learn again, and again, and again. But I truly am my own everything. Something I was taught was bad in some of the forms of Christian religion. But I think Jesus taught the ultimate opposite in love - that there is a greater I Am with our smaller I am.I have found true love from a Source that is within me and without. I no longer think it is a bad thing to be my own person. I have become comfortable with Warsan Shire's quote, "You are terrifying and strange and beautiful, something not everyone knows how to love."
"I'm pretty. I'm pretty much a mess. But I'm pretty good. I'm gonna fight like a girl."- Ingrid Michaelson
I have learned that I look good with boundaries. Walking away with confidence, even if there are mixed emotions, and seeing the possibilities in front of me, enable self love which translates to "looking good."
I love SOUL. Brooke Hampton wrote, "I like books that make me cry, intimacy, real talk, poetry, old music, unexpected messages to let me know I'm loved, growing things, and genuine people. I like things that make me feel. I like soul." This is the heart of an Enneagram 4 with 5 wing. When my soul feels withered, that is often a hint that it's time to say goodbye. This does not mean I do not appreciate a person, place or thing...or that it wasn't ever good...or that there wasn't beauty. Indeed, there almost always is a bit of previous magic. But life changes and we grow out of what once was or others grow...and sometimes soul requires hard choices.
Boundaries are my life long lesson. I have heard it said that often people write about their own eternal wound or goal. If a person is writing about logic constantly, it is often because they are aspiring to have some or admire that quality and know it is lacking in themselves. For myself, there are two parts of the human puzzle I constantly write about. These two aspects are not secret wounds. I readily embrace them and have seen the pattern. 1. Boundaries. 2. Knowing you are worthy simply because you Exist. I constantly tell people they are worthy because they exist. Even if they are not meant to be in my life or if I have a loathing at times (ahem -that wicked 1 percent of myself.) I STILL believe that. But why do I so adamantly believe that for others and not self? Because an inner wound of the Four type is struggling to believe that for their own sense of self.
I used to be so accommodating to others. I still am in many senses. It is impossible not to be to a degree when one's driver for life is "perspectives taking." With observance and intuition it is easy to see what ticks people off, what appeases them, what will drive them crazy and what will make them love me. I have two choices with that knowledge. I can use it to fit in and do all the "right things." OR I can be understanding, and use this gift to accommodate in certain situations but to choose to still be ME. For instance, I can see a few friends whom I send my blogs personally to, cringing at the language in this posts lyrics. Most of the time I leave language out, even though I am comfortable with it. I don't love it when people use strong language to demean others out of anger, but otherwise I barely notice it...but I notice it for my audience. This time though, the lyrics and quotes require the language. Who cares if anyone translates that as a reason not to read me if the greater story goes beyond? I obviously care because I DID think of it but I also have to realize I may never fully fit in and energy requires me elsewhere… and that’s ok too.
I am in a season of being sure in my own skin. Which technically, if one looks at all the facts, I shouldn't be. I walked away from my best friend and she walked away from me. The parting was mostly peaceful and mutual. But it happened a few months ago. But it was one of the best things that could have happened to me for this time in my life. I hope we can be casual friends later on in the future but time needs to happen first. I also know, without a doubt she lost a lot of intentional love and activated knowledge, losing me. Even if she never realizes it. I gave way too much energy the last few years that I should have been giving to my family. Now that I am- I see it needed to happen. We used to give equally and were equal in almost all our interactions for most of our friendship but at the end...the last two years- I clung on more than I should. Now, I know I look good, walking away, like I should.
I gained some weight but the reason why is so beautiful this time. I tend to gain weight randomly even on a restricted diet. This time I have decided to enjoy some foods and nurture the part of me that has said a firm, "No" for the last decade. I'm still pretty restricted ( I am Celiac after all.) I know I tend to go fully one way or the other and past a certain point I will get back on track. I have heard people use the expression, "She let herself go." But maybe she just let society's standards of beauty, weight, success and health go? I am healthier and stronger than I have been in the last year and I have consumed chocolate bars for the first time in 5 years regularly. I have eaten lettuce wrapped A&W burgers religiously, and I've even consumed sugar (gasp!) For a health nut, this is extreme. I still have sexy moments. I'm still pretty in a different way. And more importantly I'm satisfied and feel nurtured by food for the first time in years. Obviously I stay away from preservatives, Carrageenan, Diglycerides ect...but I have broken some of my own rules.
I have suddenly walked away from being constantly accommodating. Yes, I am perceived as not so nice to some people anymore, but that's been pure freedom. I used to be the first to text or felt pressure to text back immediately even if I was legitimately busy. I put so much pressure on myself to be the healer or to fix wounds. Or at the very least, to make sure I never caused harm. I still believe in harming none, however, I have slowly learned the difference in LIVING and BEING and purposeful harm. Sometimes, forgetting a text is just life and not a direct slight. Sometimes, if someone never initiates a text it means maybe they aren't receptive to my life either and it's ok to let it dissolve without my self pressure to make it happen. When I stopped texting or emailing some people- I never heard from them again. It's been over a year for some. That says something and none of it reflects badly on me nor them really in a way. I mostly Blake our social media life for lack of true connection and I am now seeking it more in person whenever possible. If they end up communicating again, I am fine tentatively adding them back in or responding but I won't give as much as I did without reciprocation. Because we all have seasons of limited energy. Maybe it's theirs...maybe it's mine...and that is ok.
I have given myself permission to enjoy without guilt. To savour. And I have found SO MUCH JOY. "Euphoria is a cosmic connection to the beauty around and within you, increasing sensitivity to your place in the mysteries of the universe. Breathing a moment of euphoria is the blissful realization that you have the opportunity to make each day better than the last."- Paulina Cassidy.
Sometimes, there will be pain, I found joy and euphoria in ritual which I often run away from. I dived into an aspect of Being I was always warned away from and found my inner witchiness in the best possible way. I learned to stop explaining. Writing about it in my own spaces is a process, but going out of my way to explain my behaviours, purchases or attitudes is exhausting. I was trying too hard to make my ways fit with everyone else's. I too often thought I had to explain. Take for instance cancelling an appointment. I used to always give a long explanation as to why I had to cancel. Now I just give a polite refusal and re book. If they ask I either say, "That is my business but I wouldn't be cancelling if I didn't have a reason." OR if I need to be more delicate I will give a lighter version of the truth. It truly is not their business. I used to think being godly or nice required me to give more. I realized how much I did this in my personal relationships too. A certain amount of mystery is ok. The most important people I need to give to are my inner self and also to those I deeply love who encourage respect and growth. Connection is integral to humanity but there is a balance to be found. I'm planting my feet in the ground. I'm done spinning around and around. Mamma come look at me now!
I am not afraid of the world. Planting my feet in the ground. I am sure in my own skin and I am smiling because I like this person I have fought to become.
Song choice: 'Pretty' - Ingrid Michaelson 'Stranger Songs' album. I am OBSESSED with this album
and it plays on repeat in our home.
Confidence. Artist:Terri Foss
Post Note:
This post is for anyone who needs a boost of confidence or wants to find a new song anthem that gives it. But this post is also specifically for other type 4's who have not faced their wounds of abandonment based on whom they are. Read about your type. Explore books like Beatrice Chestnut's "The Complete Enneagram" (click) or "The Sacred Enneagram" by Christopher L Heurtz. (Click) The second is a beautiful book from a mystical Christian perspective. It’s a lovely balance to Chestnut's sometimes harsh look at each type. He also had a follow up book which dives deeper.
