Women like Me...We "Drown Oceans."

*This is a post for me on my birthday week. I dedicate this to the original blog girls and to Nyssa, Glynis, Sangha, Rachel, Kirstin, Hillary, Amy, Keren, Sara and Shelley O. You “drown oceans” - you are made in the image of the one whom IS- with grace there is beauty. Do not hide the light within- go light your world!” 

My husband often calls me a witch in the most flattering tone. The good kind like Galinda or Galadriel or the witches of lore.  He says it with reverence and slight believing, to the point I almost think that I am. I know he is sensing the muchness in me. He is seeing what most do not see, as I know he is using the basic definition of witch which simply means “ wise woman.” I know he is simply a beloved mirror giving insights to a greater Mirror. I know he is sensing the conflicts of culture, the definitions that can be paradoxical and that he is redeeming good what is thought of as contrary or negative.

 "Women like you drown oceans"- The first time I heard the Rupi Kaur quote it stuck to my bones. What did it mean? Why did it resonate? Instead of insulting the phrase pleased the type 4w5 (enneagram personality) heart.

 I hope I know how to contain my oceans to cause the least harm.

 I keep dreams coiled beneath my bones and passion flows through my blood like a river. He starves my fears and I feed his freedom. My mantra is to have the grace to accept all walks of life but this does not mean to accept abuse. This grace to accept is also for myself. I need to accept the beauty and grace given to me in order to accept it in others. I am in a messy state saved only by Grace given to all. 

My husband says I scare him a little in the best possible way. This humbles me. He says I remind him of  LIFE. What a complex statement! I appreciate that he does not take me for granted for the soul fire I sometimes am. Nor do I take his calming tonic for granted. He sees the fire in my eyes and instead of running or challenging he wants to play with it. I’ve been given my match.

 I accept my capability for darkness. I know my type of darkness and know what I can do. I do not feel my type of darkness is a threat but I do believe we all have capabilities inside our souls. I accept mine. To take an example from the T.V. series Once Upon a Time; This means that I am not a Snow White. I am more of a Season 3 Regina (the Evil Queen.) My husband often says while we watch, "She is you..."  And I am oddly flattered. I secretly hope so! (After season two of course and her redemptive balancing of light love.) I have been told I can be a force to be reckoned with. Sometimes I feel so vulnerable I don't think this could possibly true. However, I know that generally I will get past my feelings to do what is necessary.

Sensing the shadows and becoming part dark and light I feel rejected by the part of culture that embraces the lies and is believed by the masses. Yet, also I see beauty in them. I simply do not want to partake of it. I am a commotion, an ocean, waves upon waves of lavish water that can drown or quench. I often burn to brightly for this world. It can cause pain. I feel that sorrow. 

I know I am great on most days because I am Imago Dei which makes me great or “good” (after years of therapy and putting in the work of acknowledging this grace instead of trying to work for it by merit.) I have been shattered but this was simply because I am already beautifully broken. I break myself more than most and NO ONE can dish out the challenges I give myself. I need no one who tries to do this to me because I can be my own worst enemy. Aren’t we all similar in this regard? ? But I also should step up to be my greatest advocate after a long journey of being less than I should be. We are called to more.

I wrestle daily with disability. My paradoxes. My suffering gifts. Dealing with disability ever balances and softens the side that believes so much in my muchness. I know I am worthy and have fought years to believe in that. I have everything going for me and yet nothing at all...and in this I am free. For some reason this tempts people to interrupt my indwelling greatness. Why? Please Don't. We should all aspire and celebrate the goodness we all encompass at varying levels. 

"She is the phoenix who has risen from the ashes to which she has been reduced, this time wiser, stronger, and more powerful in her own right. She is the fire. Looking for someone to warm…to enlighten…but never to burn…she is a bird in flight, that one can only see if they believe in her…she cries tears that can heal wounded hearts, souls, and bodies in her rising she is cautious and aware of her own vulnerability yet still just as inquisitive and observant as she ever was ...she is a little dark and very mysterious. But will not omit truth and overlooks nothing. Contrary to the shallow minds of the world she is alive. She does exist. She is the phoenix and she has risen again…" K.W. G.

My hope is that I will stand my ground once I return to ash.  I wish to deal with pain like a Phoenix. I know I will crumble and be destroyed at first, but then I hope to rise more beautiful and stronger than before. From dust I was created and dust I will become but in the meantime I have been given LIFE. 

 I know I am ash. I also know I am beauty.

 Its probably true that mostly I live life on my own terms due to great privilege and freedom...yet it is also due to great heartache and choices. I am aware and ever grateful of this dichotomy. It's a humble sort of rising from my terrible depths to the beauty of my surfaces.

*Quote above by Warsan Shire*

 I'm something not everyone knows how to love. That used to be a knife in my soul. I have had moments where I thought it would be easier to disguise the brilliance in me...the brilliance each one of us owns but feels we should hide. I realized I can not make homes out of human beings...only a home for myself.  I have tried being "normal." I have dealt in depth with different religions, stances and perceptions of life that were not mine to be...and I found chains.

 I do not believe I am above anyone but I believe I am individualistic and free. I am, like everyone else, Imago Dei. We are all shades of this becoming. Being has a bit of grey. My own beauty does not diminish any other, but it IS my own to celebrate.

 In the past , without meaning to , I have broken the cage and possibly the person trying to cage me. When the metal strikes they may find themselves on the ground crumpled under the iron forced by their own hands. At other times, most times truthfully , the brokenness is brought on by my own cage that I must ask help to break. Why do I cage myself? Why do I try to cage others? Why do I allow others to cage me? With Imago Dei there is freedom - why don’t I grasp that mercy?

 I am worth it and I'm not afraid to be on my own. We each have a choice to stand up, grow up, show up or get up and leave. I try to allow people to leave. It's the ultimate belief in freedom. But I also ask of those I love to show up, grow up (but not out of childlike wonder- just grow up in boundaries and grace) or stand up. I ask of myself this the most.

Don’t we all long to be beautiful? In my story, when I am true to the Source, I think I proverbially drown oceans. I drown them not because I am but because I am part of the ultimate I Am. A mystical undergoing of drowning and coming out gloriously in tact. A baptism of encompassing beauty. I know I contain multitudes of paradoxes and ironies. I find myself in places not many who have been feel they can speak upon. A sacred sort of knowing.

Within all this, I know I am perfectly imperfect. This soul flies. This soul drowns. This soul IS. This soul is redeemed.  In disasters we find the rawest forms of simple beauty. We catch the fragile pieces and find hope spark.

I'm sun and rain and fire and ice: *http://www.lyricsfreak.com/g/garth+brooks/shes+every+woman_20058066.html

I’m in need of grace but modelled after the ultimate I AM. I’m full of mistakes that are covered by grace only … but for the parts that seem flawed? In weakness, we are often made whole. We can sparkle while atoning. I can BE.  I’m allowed to be quirky, become more, embrace my God given muchiness and music. 

Because of Grace my darkness sparkles. My love crackles. I wander off the edges of the world.

Song Choices:

Girl on Fire- Naya Riveria

*My husband dedicated the song 'Every Woman' By Garth Brooks to me:)but it's not on youtube due to copyright...so he said to put on Brad Paisley's' Everything' for this post:

My daughter suggested this song after I read this post out loud...my lovely little firecracker...For me this song is the opposite...I am a pearl but I used to be a shell of myself...allowing others to snuff out my light or say who I am is wrong. Then I woke up.: