Natural Health Brings Dignity Back to Women’s Healthcare.

(I'm using pictures from this Halloween to illustrate this post as I feel it oddly fits.)

"You could never know what it's like. Your blood like winter freezes just like ice, And there's a cold lonely light that shines from you, You'll wind up like the wreck you hide behind that mask you use."- Bernie Taupin and Elton John lyrics.

I wish that PCOS-A New Diagnosis sounded as cool as Star Wars- A New Hope. Sadly my title does not beg the reader to ask for a prequel or sequel. But if I were to have a prequel to diagnosis, it would begin with an obsession with wanting to have another baby. To be exact it was almost a 13 year old obsession (since the birth of my last child) culminating in two years of deep depression and inability  to move onward. Finally, my husband and I decided to get started (for the fourth time in a decade) on the process which included an expensive procedure we had already saved up three times in the past for. This time was different though, because I had already crossed over the dreaded age of 34 into US standards of geriatric pregnancy. What a frightening term! (I found out later in Canada due to different populations, health care and stats, new doctors consider the age of 40 geriatric pregnancy but still! The term needs to change.) Testing my fertility and his was crucial.

I wish I could pretend that how women are treated in the medical system is all in my head. Especially when it comes to hormonal, cyclical issues, but my current blood work confirms, after years of complaints and being mostly turned down, that I was a legitimate case of needing help. Most of the time I was told I just had anxiety or that it was pointless to get tests. I was beginning to seriously doubt myself. I honestly began wondering if it truly was all made up. My resulting depression stemmed from feeling helpless, doubting my own intuition and gut, which led to me questioning if I even knew myself...an attribute I am proficient at otherwise.

I thought I had PCOS years ago but could never get a diagnosis....but for the new symptoms of high testosterone...Signs were everywhere. For instance, two years ago I finally had enough of the embarrassing hair growth on my chin and upper mouth, belly and feet. My husband thought the amount of time I spent plucking each day was ridiculous. Plus if I wanted to be hair free I also had to shave every single day. The upkeep was exhausting. So I saved and went to Electrolysis as part of my self care regime. She became a friend, someone I still look forward to seeing each month. A year into the treatment she was baffled that I was having new growth. She said it kind of reminded her of her Trans clients before the hormones evened things out. She suggested testing hormones. I told her they had tested a few basic ones and said I was fine.

My hair dresser often remarked upon my odd hair loss and thinning out which was ironic because the rest of my body hair loved to grow! But the hair I actually wanted on my head, brows and eyelashes rapidly thinned out. We thought it was just from low ferritin. Often my weight gain was blamed on lack of restraint by doctors. I was accused by a couple Dr's. that I was lying about not consuming sugar and eating mostly Paleo. Each appointment I was told to work out for 45 minutes despite insanely low iron. I was already doing thirty! It was insinuated that I must be cheating regularly or that I was lying about my treadmill time. I began to wonder why I could not get it right? What was the point? I would switch up my food choices, research different lifestyles of eating...sometimes lose 15 pounds only to gain it all back. I had a permanent 30 pounds more after my third child I generally fluctuated around.

"My voice drowned out in the thunder. But I won't cry, and I won't start to crumble whenever they try to shut me or cut me down."- Speechless lyrics Naomi Scott

The worst part was the anger. Two and a half years ago I noticed a switch in myself. Irritation and depression took turns being my primary emotions. No matter what meditation, positive thinking application, cognitive therapy technique or gratitude practice I tried, I still was regularly testy. Perhaps these practices enhanced my life and kept a steady balance to it all? Deep down I questioned, Was I becoming a monster? What was wrong with me? Maybe I was developing a new mental health issue? Who was that girl I heard snapping at the littlest annoyance?

"And did you think this fool could never win? Well look at me, I'm a-coming back again. I got a taste of love in a simple way. And if you need to know while I'm still standing, you just fade away..."- Bernie Taupin and Elton John lyrics.

There were other terrible symptoms ranging from pain, to loss to enlargement of my thyroid to thyroid nodules, to low iron to... the list goes on. I went to a few different doctors. Some did test my hormones. Five years ago my thyroid nodule was discovered which enabled some hormonal blood work. Most results were borderline or fine.

When I decided I may want to become pregnant, everything changed. While I am happy for women who need fertility support that they are treated this way, I am enraged that it took this for me to get a proper diagnosis. Shouldn't hormones be checked regularly when a woman comes in with complaints that can not be diagnosed?

"I won't be silenced. You can't keep my quiet. Won't tremble when you try it. All I know is I won't go speechless... Don't you underestimate me. Cuz you know I won't go speechless...Stay in your place better seen and not heard, well now that story is ending!...So C'mon and try to shut me and cut me down. I won't be silent."- Naomi Scott Speechless lyrics.

Also, I found out that testing blood on certain days of the cycle and times was CRUCIAL for accurate results. Most of the time the Doctors told me that would not matter. Suddenly, when it came to pregnancy it did. That was when I was flagged for high testosterone (which explained the switch in myself 2.5 years ago.) I was also flagged for low cortisol, lower thyroid, slightly lower progesterone, low ferritin again ... and the tests are still happening. How did this happen? The immediate diagnosis was PCOS. Addison's and other issues are pending confirmation.

"Don't you know I'm still standing better than I ever did? Looking like a true survivor, feeling like a little kid. I'm still standing after all this time. Picking up the pieces of my life without you on my mind."- Bernie Taupin and Elton John lyrics.

Funny enough, I also had to get a Naturopath to order the tests through a family doctor. Even when she initially consulted with me she opened with, "It is unlikely that you will have PCOS, which affect fertility as you do not present as the type, most are very heavy women who are obviously hairy and present a bit like a man, but we will test you anyways." When the results were in she remarked, "Wow, you're blood work shows the standard fluctuation in hormones for a PCOS woman. You will need at least three months treatment to get yourself in order before you can get pregnant. In pregnancy you will have to monitored and we will give you some natural progesterone which should help you retain pregnancy and the rest of the issues we can manage through supplements."

Later she confided, "Honestly, your obsession with wanting a baby may have stemmed from your body needing balance. A pregnancy if retained at this point would help you a lot. Your mind knew that. It's like women who crave chocolate who actually are magnesium deficient. As soon as their body has sufficient magnesium they are no longer craving chocolate. If we balance out your hormones you may not have a baby craving, but if you still desire to be pregnant, that may carry you through to menopause without the debilitating symptoms you are having now. That is not always the case but it can often happen if a healthy pregnancy and labour is achieved. "

If this part of the story was the riveting sequel, it would finally find me at a place where my life was given back as MINE to live. Walking out of her office, my self confidence, and my trust in my inner gut was restored. My intuition and inner knowledge of self was confirmed. My confusion cleared up. Despite having all the symptoms still I knew why and that information allowed me to make informed daily decisions. My creativity re surfaced two days after diagnosis. Long term goals were thought out more clearly. My baby obsession became a light, healthy interest. I was even able to put that decision easily on the back burner until I could see if the me, that would be brought back into myself from treatment, would even wish for a child.

Luckily because a pregnancy is still an option I am not being put on birth control pills which are the standard for treatment and often only band aid bigger issues and make things worse further down the road. My naturopath put me on natural androgen blockers as well as other supports. I checked with the one other Dr. I trust to give an opinion on the matter. He read the ingredients and said that some of them were given to men when they have enlarged prostates due to over aggressive testosterone and it should do the trick at lowering mine. Plus, the other ingredients naturally worked for balancing out other hormones. When the metabolic process is off in a body, many disruptions happen at a molecular level to cause chaos. My body can not regulate with a simple diet and positive thinking. Yes, both these attributes are large factors in chronic illness, but they are not the only way to manage.

"Now that story is ending..."- Naomi Scott Speechless

My Naturopathic Doctor also went over backlogged records of my blood-work. She would occasionally point out one and say, “Oh that November you must have felt like you were dying. That particular concoction of hormones make women feel they are slowly dying from the inside. Most doctors say it’s low normal for thyroid but it’s actually a slow functioning thyroid that when combined with other body systems creates a certain set of issues. It must have been heartbreaking to be told you were fine when you felt that way.” Or “This pattern here explains your constant low ferritin. Often that can happen with certain women in PCOS. Each manifestation is different but with heavy cycles and also your co diagnosis of Lyme and Celiac which often also go together- fits the picture.” And “ You must feel you are collecting diagnosis but don’t be alarmed as they all can often fit together. Unfortunately, after years of no support , the body can spiral into other conditions. Even though you have chronic/lifetime diagnosis we can actually get most symptoms on track and prevent other things you would be at risk for with PCOS like high blood pressure, certain cancers etc. by proper treatment.”

Last Autumn, I actually paid to take an in depth course on PCOS. The one Dr. that was actually on my team told me to look into it. Unfortunately, my blood work was done on the wrong day and did not show anything. It is crucial to be done around 8 am, preferably after fasting on days 18-21 of the cycle. Also to have fasting glucose done to rule out other conditions. *(There ARE different days for bloodwork. See Below)

"Once I never could hope to win. You starting down the road leaving me again. The threats you made were meant to cut me down. And if our love was just a circus you'd be a clown by now."- Bernie Taupin and Elton John lyrics

I was told time and time again that I did not "present" as a "typical PCOS" patient. Multiple Doctors told me I wouldn't have it because I was "too young," "too pretty," "too feminine," "not hairy enough" or "not overweight enough." All these statements sound flattering but they were condescending judgements. I did not look hairy because I had electrolysis and shaved every day! I present younger despite wrinkles and aging due to being an Aspie/ Autistic. I looked passable because I know how to put on make up and wear falsies. I seem feminine because my voice is higher pitched anyway so when it lowered, due to testosterone, it didn't seem significant. I am thirty pounds over what I should be for what I eat, my exercise and my lifestyle. It is perpetually aggravating to be SO restricted and not lose or have anything to show for it!

Honestly, I have let myself go to eat whatever the last month. In the last two weeks I have become slightly pleasantly plump as my daughter giggled when I asked her if I gained. Ha I trust my children to tell me the truth . For the first time I have allowed myself to be. It bothers me sometimes but in general, I feel awesome so that has to count for something! I have had ENOUGH of the assumptions of what it means to be a woman. I have had enough of the assumptions of what a capable, strong, beautiful woman should be like. Or what a sick woman should look like. It goes both ways. I will not conform to that standard. I never fit and never will. But just because I like to take care of myself and am aware of how I present, does NOT mean that my treatment should be ignored or I should be disregarded.

"Here comes a wave meant to wash me away, a tide that is taking me under. Swallowed with sand left with nothing to say, my voice drowned out in the thunder...written in stone, every rule, every word, centuries old and unbending. Stay in your place better seen and not heard but now that story is unending. Try to lock me in this cage - I won't just lay me down and die. I'll take these broken wings and watch me burn across the sky."- Naomi Scott Speechless lyrics.

If I could make any point with this post- it is for women to keep pushing, trust their gut, and it's sad to say, but if you are of the age when you can have a baby, and can not be taken seriously any other way, maybe consider it and go in for fertility issues to be checked. It sucks that it may come down to that for some women. Women are left in Menopause to deal with issues, when many of the symptoms could be supported. Just because it is natural process does not mean it does nor require different supplements, supports and strategies to re balance the body! Women's health care still has a LONG way to go. The injustices of how women are treated today (SEE THIS POST) should not still be happening in this century. Don't live unspoken! Let your echo never be silenced!

"I can't be broken. NO I won't live unspoken."- Naomi Scott Speechless lyrics.

PCOS is not a fun diagnosis. It's not curable in a standard way, though it can go into remission. It does higher the risks for some scary conditions later down the road. Yet, I’m happy with the diagnosis for one simple reason- I can actually trust my own process. My symptoms can be explained even if the explanation sucks sometimes. I can suffer the how better knowing the why. This is a game changer. The missing puzzle piece I have consciously and subconsciously been chasing for years is finally on the board with the bloodwork confirming high testosterone. It’s a new hopeful beginning.

Two weeks into treatment and my family expressed that I was a way nicer person. If I forget a pill, I feel it that day. Spearmint tea twice a day also helps lower testosterone and balance out androgen's. I feel back in a semi state of control over myself which induces calm. My creativity came back after a few days of diagnosis. Suddenly my brain didn't have to fight so hard to have me hear that there was a problem! My life was already accidentally magical, and I was grateful for it everyday, but often I still had a layer of unexplained irritation covering it. After diagnosis, my symptoms did not change, but I finally was able to explain my system to itself.

"Watch me burn across the sky!"- Naomi Scott Speechless.

I don't know what the future holds. Maybe I will also have Addison's, a concern for low cortisol like mine, or any other myriad condition that is caused by hormone disruption. Maybe my ultrasound will pick up ANOTHER underlying cause? Maybe the pills will only work for a little bit. In a few years I could switch back to Estrogen or Progesterone dominance, as it is speculated that is what happened nearly a decade ago. That can happen in PCOS. The body is a strange and complex entity. Life is complicated with each new diagnosis, but it can also be simplified...especially if the person was already suffering without knowing why. All I know is that I will not go speechless on these issues. These broken wings enable me to burn across the sky. I won't be silent about the struggles specific to women and the discrimination and injustice that can happen.

"You know I'm still standing better than I ever did. Looking like a true survivor, feeling like a little kid. And I'm still standing after all this time. Picking up the pieces of my life without you on my mind I'm still standing (Yeah yeah yeah). I'm still standing."- Bernie Taupin and Elton John lyrics.

I share this story for women everywhere to not doubt their bodies. Keep fighting. It took me more than ten years to be fully heard. Two of which I was asking every few months for answers! Depression is caused often by not knowing our bodies or why we are the way we are. Not everything should be blamed on anxiety or typical women's bodies....like we are just supposed to be messed up because we have a different hormonal concoction! We shouldn't just accept birth control as the only treatment. We shouldn't have to deal with insane periods or menopausal issues...just as we should not have to put up with sub standard care in labour and delivery. Most of our Women's health issues require revision. Find alternatives. It is worth it to pay for a Naturopath if you can save up to afford it. It took me a few different tries to find the right one for me, but it was worth the search. Don't give up on yourself.

I also ask that men, if they are reading this, to revise their opinions on Women's bodies. Especially men in the medical world. The women in your world will thank you for understanding the complex ways in which hormones can affect whom they are and what they do.

"Let the storm in. I can not be broken. No I won't live unspoken. Cuz I know I that I won't go speechless." Naomi Scott Speechless lyrics.

My life is back. I looked back over the last few years and issues that baffled me now make sense. I am finally free of self doubt. I may struggle with general depression on the days that my symptoms win, but the depression that stemmed from doubting self was debilitating. I am so relieved that is gone from my life for now.

"I won't be silenced. Though you want to see me tremble when you try it. All I know is I won't go speechless. No I won't go speechless. Cuz I breathe when they try to suffocate me. Don't you underestimate me. Cuz I know that I won't go speechless...I won't be silent. Don't try to keep me quiet."- Naomi Scott Speechless Lyrics.

"Don't you know that I'm still standing better than I ever did? Looking like a true survivor, feeling like a little kid. And I'm still standing after all this time. Picking up the pieces of my life without you on my mind..."- Bernie Taupin and Elton John lyrics

Post Note: Days of the cycle vary for blood work. Overall blood work for hormones are day 18-21. (Practitioners differ on this- it worked for me but some say different days.) However, if Estradiol is the main concern day 3 after a woman's flow is the best. If DHEA is a concern (especially in combination with previous high Testosterone results) than a week before or a week after the first period day is best. Cortisol is best around 8 AM and 4:30 PM on the SAME day. It is also helpful to have ACTH done this way. Research your optimal days and even if it doesn't say it matters, try your best to get tested on the optimal days for optimal results.

This diagnosis was not 'new to me' at all but the confirmation of my concoction of hormones WAS. That was a big deal... I'm still being tested with more blood work and ultrasound ect.

Song Choices: Speechless by Naomi Scott. (Aladdin) And  Taron Egerton 's version of Elton John's  I'm Still Standing

Creating Pockets of Protection, Sanctuary Amongst the Chaos, and Conversations with Strangers.

I honestly can't speak to anyone else's journey nor give politically correct stories from my self. I am just ME. I tell my stories here as a form of memory, self help or sharing in the hope of making someone else feel validated or less alone. But in today's vibrant landscape of Internet vigilantes policing language or cruelly commenting, I have witnessed wonderful conversations and comments that fill me with terror.

I feel lucky, to have virtually unknown spaces (for the most part.) I get to hash out thoughts without too much chaos and a lovely, small community of kind strangers and supportive friends. Obviously I know that in a public place anyone can find me and I am prepared for that, however, for now, when I come home to this space, it feels like a form of home physically built on the web...if that makes any sense?

(A Heritage Home we love near us.)

Home is always a theme of my heart for many reasons I've had to dive deep into therapy for. In short, I crave it more than the average person due to immense sensory pain in childhood. Also because of a loss of autonomy that I experienced up until the age of about 25. I needed a space where I could just be myself fully, control all my own choices that were often contrary to other's choices for me, and BE as quirky or as maximalist as I needed to be. This enabled me to also nurture and understand the children in my care and the husband I am in love with to partner with. The core of my deepest longing is harnessed into the depths of sanctuary.

Sanctuary has a history of courage. In this world of madness and hidden dangers, building a little home or place for others to feel safe in is a challenge. To build sanctuary we often have to face our own fears first, battle the forces that undermine, choose what means the most to our souls...and figure out what we truly value (which can be a journey onto itself.)

A true gift is to be rooted in hallow hills and sacred forests of belonging. To cultivate relationships and places where we feel we can grow strong and bright without fear. These rare spaces lessen the harshness of the world at large. It is where we learn to become strong so that we can take our shelter with us wherever we go, and others feel safe with us too.



It does not mean we do not have tension or conflict, because courage also means that we try to understand with perspectives. We choose to do hard things because of love. If we gave up on anything that tested us, our spirits would be poorer for it. Like the Beaver, creating a warm hearth for the winter months of soul or body, requires hard work, prudence, careful cultivation and perhaps a partner or soul friend who builds alongside us.

Living in freedom is often tied to levels of safety in all areas including mental, physical, emotional and spiritual. When our personal pockets are protected, we are often more enabled to live out our truths fully. At least, I find this to be true for myself. I have found that when I stop listening to the news, and have friendships with people who do not feel the need to pass that onward, my world becomes peaceful. I have enough to deal with in my small world. It is not ignorant to make my world as small as my sphere in it. I am less immobilized by fear and make more conscious choices when I am securely in my own happenings. I actualize on love more. I make healthier decisions rooted in love, knowing that trials and tribulations will be inevitable, but that I did not base my life upon the chance of them.

There is this cultural belief that in order to change the larger world we have to know everything about it. We are required to be up on the latest events, world shockers, and political schemes in our every day conversations. We are in information overload. Thus far, I see much fear and not a lot of actualization. Yes, there are also wonderful things happening, but they are not just from being aware. Wonderful change for others also happened prior to global awareness. We just heard less of it. It is human nature to talk more of the dangers in a form of preparation and protection.While this is important, I feel that the world has tipped over onto one side in a way to balance out the scales...which is natural but I hope within that we can also find some balance.

In my twenties I was all for globalization. I wanted everyone to feel belonging, love and security. But as I have aged and become a witness to the actualization of all I wanted, I am seeing that it's not the only answer. It is not the only hope. And I have realized that I personally do best within a smaller cultivation of BEING. In any other forum I would be slayed by the comments to this confession and I know most of my friendships are probably in the position I was a decade ago... and that's ok for them. But not for me right now. I still want the world to feel safety, belonging and love but now I realize that my call is so much smaller.

It's akin to finding Christmas. I adore Autumn and Christmas. Where I live we can get tastes of snow every month of the year which helps build the anticipation...and sometimes our exhaustion! (Picture of last week's snow below.)

Some years the season hits hard and it's all we can do to cope or not look at those who have more with slight envy. But other years we are in a season of joy and magic. Partially due to circumstance and also partially to the personal carving of choice. If we thought too much about the reasons why we shouldn't enjoy ourselves or our position of privilege to enjoy it...we would lose out on the giving of joy. Because joy is contagious.

There are so many mixed messages about what it is to be a good person, or what safety means. There are trigger words and trigger posts and triggering places...and most of us are genuinely trying to make the world safer by using these phrases or enacting our boundaries. As we should be for the most part. There is always another side. If we forget it, we forget to think of the other. If we think on it too much, we forget to honour ourselves. It's that ever flowing line and each will have a different take on that which is as it should be.

Home. It's a place to go when one feels the need to re charge. It's for when I feel lost or alone and I can retreat into the safe haven of care. It's a structure to share when our hearts lead us there. To me, it's a tale of magic...one in which we carefully carved out our intentions with sweat, tears and even a bit of blood. With every nail, every renovation, and each meal, we intentionally built our deepest desires and priorities. We sacrificed sleep for creating. We exchanged other pursuits to cultivate our own spin of beauty. A house with love in it is rich indeed...even if it's the love of self, pet, plants or desires.

It's also a place we carry with us when we are out in the world. There are certain spaces that have a similar feeling. Recently we were visiting one of these other world hearths when a 70 year old man approached us as we were sailing. "Excuse me," he interrupted our musings with his gentle English accent, "I just wanted to let you know that I am an observer of people. I have been a public speaker and writer which has taken me to many places...and I wanted you to know that your family was more beautiful to me than this view. I have rarely witnessed a family so in tune with each other. You have something special. You are engaged, not on your devices at all unless it is to take a picture for posterity. I've been watching you for the last ten minutes and I see you treat each other with kindness but more than that I see you genuinely ENJOY each other. I can honestly say that I come here most weekends and most families are caught up in the busy, their phones or gripping at each other...I want to know, if you don't mind me asking, what is your secret to this? Your context?"

I teared up a little. I asked if I could take his picture because the moment meant a lot and with my memory I will forget it otherwise. We ended up spending the rest of our time with him, travelling out of the park and exchanging emails. Some of his parting words to us were, "I know you treasure it- I can see it, but know that others see it too and it makes a difference. A family that is present is a gift onto itself. I never had that and I am unfortunately not close to my children. I wish I could have tasted what you have."

Strangers have been immersing themselves in our life lately. Some of it has been because we have inserted ourselves in theirs. For instance, I have oddly been going up to new moms and asking them how their labours were and how they are feeling. Yup it's an odd thing to do but I have been noticing all new babies and it just tends to happen. Luckily, all of them have been happy to share. Most almost seem relieved to tell their stories. I make it quick because I recall how tired and sore I was back then, but I have loved these small interactions. I am the introverted of all of introverts so this is shocking my husband and myself too! (Part of the reason my break up with my best friend was easier in the end was because both of us were introverts and I think we were relieved to get our time back, even if it was good, we had high demands on our time.) Anyway, I remember envying the women who already had grown children because they knew their children survived and thrived. I was constantly in fear of losing my children to death, illness or something dire...or perhaps just my parenting. I also recall being terrified of when they would be teenagers. Most of the women I have had conversations with at the mall or in a shoppe or on a street see me with my children. I often insert into the conversation that teenagers can be the best and every stage has gotten better not worse...and that the sleepy stage will eventually pass but I admire where they are right now. I wish more people would have told me that. Too many people told me to enjoy it because it would end too quickly- and YES it has, but I already knew that. I wish people would have told me it generally turns out OK in most normal phases.

One mom in a nearby town had a newborn strapped to her chest. It felt like we knew each other before but we could not figure out when. Her name was Mandy. I kept apologizing for being creepy but she thought I was great and even offered me to sniff the head of her baby. I didn't ( I wanted to!) because I wasn't sure how much was a joke and already felt like I was crossing that line into weird...but boy did I want to. I miss that smell. (Ha ha! See creepy! I know how I sound!) We talked for a good 15 minutes. A serendipitous meeting.

Usually I have this "back off #itch face" in social situations. I don't want strangers infringing on my energy and downtown I take the routes that avoid most people when I am on a mission. So there is one issue when I am open like this with a stranger...Generally I then find myself talking to EVERY stranger within the vicinity because they come up to me after. I did not get out of that shoppe for 45 minutes! I asked my husband after, "Why when my social persona is ON, everyone tries to talk to me? Sometimes people are literally standing in line. I think it's easier to have my back off face on." And he said the sweetest thing I will NEVER remember so I am writing it here; "Babe, It's because when you are open to the world, which is rare, it's like Aphrodite is walking into the store. A person who encompasses love, beauty and connective healing. And they sense that and want some of it." Wow, that is a compliment...it's a lot to live up to but wow.

Because normally I'm like the picture below out in public. Ha ha- Yes those are white headphones on my head. (See picture below.)

The above picture was at my sister's birthday celebration at a restaurant. It was so noisy my eldest son insisted he go to the van to get his headphones for me. Due to our home and parenting, our Autistic children do better in sensory environments than I do as an Autistic. My children kept holding my hands and checking in on me during the meal.

In general it's easier to harness my energy in my home. We often have strangers in our home due to a monthly gathering of 9-20 people we host. We bring in different professors or people to speak on a topic they love. Last week we had an Archeologist from a neighbouring city (who is coming to speak in March) and wanted to meet us first in our home. In the two and a half hours she ended up staying she filled our hearts with phrases I wish I could recall. Luckily, I made my family re hash the evening and help me write down the highlights as soon as the door closed. Some of those were;

"I've been all over the world and I've never seen a home like this or a family as healthy as this. I wish I could transport your entire home and family to my classes and showcase you so all my students could study you. They would be better for it." I laughed nervously and joked, "That's a lot to live up to." (Especially since it is the second time in a month we were told a similar thing. Yikes but wow! It's memorable.)

"You're very special. Not just as a home- which you are - but as a family."

 "It's like a hidden secret that needs to be shared with the world."

 "Can you tell me what all the Witches are about?" I explained to her that I have an obsession. When I was first diagnosed with Autism and working through it- the Broadway Musical Wicked got me through that time. I was always drawn to good witches and magic but that sealed the deal!

 "You two are like two big children aren't you? I don't mean that in a bad way- I wish more adults would remember childlike wonder and encapsulating innocence." We both laughed hard and our children agreed. My son piped up, "Yup we call dad the child and mom the teen of the house." She laughed and said, "I see, your mom is considered a tad bit older..." and my daughter says, "Yes but  she is more moody too!"

The the speaker turned to my husband at one point and exclaimed, "You are all tough on the outside but sweet on the inside...I see you are the rebel type...that endearing charmer who can turn someone's world upside down with a few words or actions but I can also see that there is mushy marshmallow all through your core being." Ha ha she pegged him alright! We died laughing.

 "Honestly, by your emails, lack of Internet presence, posters for advertising and your name and husband's initials I thought you guys would be 80 years old! Then I walked into your yard it was the first sign that maybe I'd been duped! You guys sound so proper on email and your ideas so old fashioned in a way, yet I walk into your yard and home and all my preconceived judgments were blown to smithereens...I have a lot to consider about juxtapositions on my way home tonight." We get that a lot.

 "Every room has it's own flavour yet each has the value of personality. I can tell with the kids rooms that you listen to them and whom they are when you decorate. You see their souls. It's an incredible gift."

 "I work with college students planting a seed in them and hoping they will get it by forty. But your kids already get it! I can see the spark in their eyes in their conversations with me...plus they have not picked up a device once in the entire time I have been here. I'm very impressed. You guys are very special and I mean that in the nicest possible way. You are unusual but in a good way." This compliment we have received from five different university professors from differing institutions. Recently we were asked to speak at a University Colloquium on a similar topic because they were so impressed with our children and "unschooling" that they want us to answer questions as a family.

"It's amazing. You are really amazing- how you constructed this world. It's like a cave- like a burrow of safety with twinkle lights, blankets and all things comforting. I walk in here and I've shared more about myself with you strangers than most of my friends. I am an Introvert and not usually like this- it's you and your home. That's it's magic."

"You guys should own a bed and breakfast but not here because this is your sacred space to share with just a few- that's the beauty of it. It's such a surprise where it is! But you have the gift to make people feel at home in your home."

Our wonderful time with her ended with an apology from her, "Usually I am more professional...I feel I was so distracted at some points...I just want hours to look at all the stuff in your home. You are as intriguing as the dig sites I've been to in Nicaragua and Africa. I would love to study you and your home now. I got a little too excited and verbal but I hope you know it's because I am astounded." We assured her that her words were such an honour. It was honestly so much fun and a large boost to our ego! If only we could hear the kindness of strangers as often in the world! If only we would verbalize the beauty we see in others when we are with them in such a casual yet engaged way. In a few hours she renewed our sense of purpose and reminded us of how far we have come. She also infused hearth into OUR home by being with us.

Home. To me... it's freckles and sunshine, snuggles and snowstorms, fights and reconciliation, music and twinkle lights, magic and moonlight, herbs and candles, plants and blankets...and at it's core it's a concept that has been built into a reality. It's a detour from errands into the country so my daughter can give horses some cut up apples for Mabon/ Thanksgiving. It's the moment I tell my eldest son that he should accompany me to get the mail in the midst of his chores because he seems tired...and in the end he turns to me with a big hug and says, "I needed that mommy. I needed to get out. Thank you for always knowing what I need. I like being with you." It's my youngest carting his stuffies out of his bed and into mine because he thinks I need comfort from whatever pain or distress I happen to be in. It's my husband arriving with flowers after a discussion about new phases of life and saying to me, "Babe you have been, always will be and are my one new love and best thing in my life."

Home is him bringing me chocolate because he knew I would love the witchiness of the wrapping. Home is knowing the secret to having it all is knowing you already do. It's hearing the laughter of my family upstairs while I have my quiet time writing a post, yet I still feel a thankful part of it all despite the floor in-between.

Home is rushing to the dentist to get a huge sliver dug out of the roof of your mouth and coming home to a cup of water, lunch re warmed with all the chips out of it:)

Home, to me, is cozy Roots sweaters worn for more than 7 years anytime it's cold, I feel sick, I am in a flare, or I'm sad. Unfortunately, this sweater will be the one outfit they probably remember the most but on the bright side it is also the outfit that got the most snuggles too.

Home is a stranger seeing a family, and realizing they take their home with them wherever they go, when they are with each other. Because of choices, because of privilege (But is that all bad if they are honouring and sharing it?), because of strong boundaries of time and space, and because they focus on the micro and macro... and also because they are just lucky. 

We have had our share of hardships and pain and will again...but these conversations with strangers have also spun our web of sanctuary. The inter -connectedness of our dealings have created pockets of protection too. And on this Canadian Thanksgiving weekend I am so thankful for it all. And yes, I am proud of the house we built, both in our physical address and with our family of five. Do I hope to add on to it? Perhaps in the future or maybe not... We are in decision mode on that currently. But I do know without a doubt that I AM proud of what has been created. Often we are told not to be prideful. I was admonished all the time in childhood that "pride comes before the fall." Yet, it is important to take pride in our lives sometimes and honour all that has come before in order to set to rights what will come after. "It was an uphill battle nearly every day but I wouldn't have it any other way- Oh I'm proud of the house we built."- Brooks and Dunn

Song choice: Proud of the House we Built ( basically our life in a song)- Brooks and Dunn

lyrics:

"I dropped to my knees in that field on your daddy's farm.Asked you to marry me, all I had to give was my heart.While other kids went diving into swimming holes, You and me dove off into the great unknown. We were barely gettin' by, takin' care of each other. Then I became a daddy; you became a mother. Was an uphill battle nearly every day, Lookin' back I wouldn't have it any other way. I'm proud of the house we built.It's stronger than sticks, stones, and steel. It's not a big place sittin' up high on some hill.A lot of things will come and go but love never will. Oh, I'm proud. I'm proud of the house we built. Still workin' our way through the land of milk and honey. At the end of the day there's always more bills than money. I close my eyes at night and I still feel The same fire in my heart I felt out in that field. I'm proud of the house we built. It's stronger than sticks, stones, and steel. It's not a big place sittin' up high on some hill. A lot of things will come and go but love never will.I'm proud of the house we built. Oh, look at us today. Oh, we've come such a long long way....A lot of things will come and go but love never will. I'm proud of the house we built."- Brooks and Dunn