I’ve been asked, “How do you gage the happiness of your life and what breeds feelings of contentment?” I found that a loaded question that seemed a nicer version of a few jealous remarks about how I’m “ privileged” to be a stay at home mom and “privileged” to have such a man who loves me and can provide that option and that I’m “privileged” to have such easy children.
I’m used to hearing variations of that remark. I step back before I react. Honestly, sometimes I want to lash out and state, “Live my hard choices before you judge my circumstances. Choose a partner at 18 and have all your relationships except for a few loyal ones who see the deeper side, balk, dismiss, mock and disrespect your choice. Birth 3 children and two miscarriages during the hardest phase of your life and deal with their very tough disabilities with continual invested time while having hormonal post partum depression. Find yourself crying outside the door while your four year old screams and screams and screams for hours and hours on a daily basis. Have the tough conversations, the constant time given to the other dyspraxic child who takes three hours to eat any meal until the age of ten, can’t ride a bike until age 13, and requires constant supervision under age 13 to be safe. Or the other child whom has such crippling anxiety they can’t leave the house without you mostly until age fourteen without massive meltdowns later. Invest, seek constant guidance, give up your life and your sleep for at least a decade. Be your best self despite lacking the patience for most of this - know what life is really about- and when they suddenly turn older and have begun to flourish to the point that rarely anyone believes they have disabilities ( though they are life long but now instead of being defined solely by them - the children thrive being themselves) see the opposite reaction of people wishing they had what you had. Envying your very close relationship with children who include you even in their other friendships because they enjoy spending time with you that much. Pour tears and constant communication into a marriage that sometimes is one sided or sometimes is barely hanging by a thread but stick in there through the depression of both parties, the struggle, the years of hardship. Live under the poverty line with a one wage for years and thrive due to very hard choices. Sacrifice so much and turn away from the alter of productivity and “establishment” and cultural norms of success and watch as people brand you as lazy, not talented, admirable, indifferent, odd, difficult, or not ambitious or talented enough or in the best circumstance to “avoid” a REAL job. Hear them constantly state they could never possibly have what you have while you know that most actually could with the hard choices… while cultivating support later carefully and hard won. At the same time those people will also feel a stab of jealousy when you talk or are out with your close family or showing pictures or videos or blog posts - and won’t know where the jealousy is from so they attack or isolate themselves from you. Try stepping off the cultural norms of society while still trying to build community and serving it in ways many people will not recognize or acknowledge or even respect. ( The ones that do are gold- value them and keep them close!) Watch as extended family blow up at you in the early years for the uncomfortable choices. Some of which may have been mistakes but many that brought you to this moment today and let them assume things about you that aren’t true without trying to prove otherwise. Allow people to believe your silence is indifference instead of great self control. Marry young and watch the derision of those who believe you are lower class and “uneducated” due to your choice. Watch as people treat you as “less then” because you stay home instead of going after reputation and making your mark on society ( even though you know the best mark on society you can make is a well thought out life, being a loyal wife and raising good children.) Watch as any person in the school system feels either judged or superior because your home schooling your children and worse - unschooling them! As they brag about the latest grade or college or job or question your children’s abilities - stay silent and realize you did what you did for a different life not marked by degrees or prestige or advancement but one marked by hard work, community and rest, choices and family life and most of all love and gratitude even at the “lower level” jobs. Be branded as blue collar family ( which proudly you are) but also as uninformed and ignorant ( which you also are sometimes… but also knowing this isn’t all truth.) Take the hard road and make faith, family and life your own. Then come back to me and tell me that this is all just luck of the draw!”
Obviously I have yet to state out loud ( other than in this space) that pent up diatribe…it’s considerably lacking in grace or kindness. I try to step back and remind myself that the person in front of me is not my collective judges but a single human being. Maybe they are truly wanting to know how to find contentment in an over twenty year marriage and family life… and honestly want to model some of what I have I will give them some of my best life decisions.
The problem is though that my tips alone are explosive topics in today’s world. By even stating them I’m seen as counter cultural, conservative, restrictive, and the list goes on. But I wouldn’t be where I am today without the guidance of other woman and men who sacrificed their time (and possibly reputation) by showing me their tough choices and sharing their life stories. So generally I share cautiously in baby steps gaging the context of the person in front of me and how to speak their language. Which is impossible to do in a blog post with multiple readers so I’m going with honest steams of consciousness here.
It’s honestly impossible to show all the nuances of the tips I have - it would take a book or three. I know there are exceptions. I know I am privileged in the sense that I am living in a free country and was born into lower middle class life but with massive family and friend support, and a protective environment ( for the most part.) Yet, each of us, with the exception of the truly impoverished, have choices we can make to improve our lives. Even in the mountain ghettos of Nicaragua, I witnessed autonomy and choice of people carving out the best life they could in the worst of circumstances. Some of them were more content than the people with “better” circumstances back home. I would not call that privilege. I’d call that seeing reality for what it is but striving to make the best of what we’ve got and improving what can be improved and accepting what can’t. It’s letting go of comparison and asking, “are there any choices I have that can make this better? Are the choices reasonable? Are they worth the cost they will take ? ( usually they are but mostly people aren’t willing to stick out the tough) Is this about trying to be the next class up or day dreaming about wealth, reputation, respect from others to put our mark on the world? Or is this about finding bits of community, family love, goodness and faith and peace despite circumstances and living our best life within that life’s context? Exceptions to everything not withstanding.
3.) Having children young. I know, I sound like a conservative, traditional woman who gives all of her rights away...but if you knew me, you would understand that this seems like a counter self choice. I never desired children. I definitely suffered through the early years with PPD. BUT the unexpected love, hard lessons, legacy, and the joy received from this choice has brought so much beauty in my early thirties. At their pre teen and teen ages we have our hardships, but I LOVE having these years of theirs while I am in my younger thirties. I love how they often say to me, "You're SUCH a teen mom." or "Look at her? Isn't she beautiful and so so cute?" and I scrunch up my face or stick out my tongue at them:) In many ways I feel older than my peers without children due to the issues we deal with, but in other ways with my children, I feel younger. Obviously, I can not imagine this choice any other way. I see such beauty in my childless peers or families - but FOR MYSELF- I consider having three children the most fulfilling decision of my life, besides marriage. As a balanced feminist I am not ashamed to admit this. However, being a parent is a serious consideration and lifetime commitment. There are some amazing people who will never have offspring because of choice or because the choice is taken from them (I am deeply sorry for this and hope there are other options to seek what is wanted)- there are many beautiful ways to live a life...this happened to be mine.
7.) Having my husband take over all the cooking. Yup. This is definitely where I am privileged. He can cook nutritious, delicious meals and more importantly, he does this safely. With Dyspraxia and my form of Autism struggles cooking was like MATH to me ( I have Dyscalculia so Math is almost impossible. Even with a calculator I often have mistakes with my reversals of numbers like 65 being 56 ect.) After a few accidental poisoning issues, burns, cuts and accidents that could have been far worse...plus me crying in the kitchen with no idea what to do...we decided that he would take over all meals. I took over the budget, taxes (I realize that sounds strangely like Math, but in the end after some initial help and going over the budget at least seven times each session to make sure the numbers line up, I am good at delegating what goes where and how to be thrifty), organization of home, facilitating learning opportunities, appointments, fresh mentalities, and most of the chores with the kids. We also cut his work hours by an hour and a half each day to make up for that time he would come home to cook. It seemed unfair for him to work all hours, with me at home, and then cook. It works for us and we finally eat well. He doesn't have to do any clean up nor chores in the home other than carpentry maintenance and watering of plants ( unless he wishes too.)
24.) Challenging myself by listening and reading counter balancing material from intelligent, logical, clear minded sources. I noticed that most Christians I knew (which was most of my life context) surrounded themselves by like minded people and "challenged" themselves only in Biblical concepts.
I sat in on MANY sermons, most of which are still the same today, Bible studies, Mom's groups, Prayer groups and "Truth Projects." Most of the time it was simply validation or challenge within one way of thinking. For example, the Truth Project looked open minded by bringing in Atheists and Scientists to speak their "truths" but what irked me about this, is that they picked idiotic, illogical, sensational or ignorant opponents and deemed them "professionals" of the opposing side, yet chose calmer people to present the faith side. Just like in Christianity, some Atheists are non intellectual, volatile, ignorant, or making the world a worse place in general. If one is going to seek out a way to sharpen their beliefs for heaven's sake (pun/irony intended) choose a well informed, strong opponent. The weaker the opposition, the weaker the faith. Because faith in its technical definition SHOULD NOT be defensive because it’s faith after all.
25.) Asking for help during PPD. I found a young pregnancy government program, which gave us milk coupons and emotional support as well as free prenatal vitamins. I was a teen and low income, so I qualified for this program. They kept me on when my other two were born because of how pregnancy and after wards affected me plus our age and income level. They helped me realize, along with a couple who were counselling us, that I had Post Partum Depression. I actually can't think of ages 18- to 25 without cringing. I was VERY affected by twisted hormones, thought patterns, and weird physical symptoms. I had constant nosebleeds, insanely painful haemorrhoid's that required specialists, nine months of severe morning sickness, skin conditions, uterine/ cervical infections that would not stop, multiple hospital enemas and many other traumatic events for a young aspie girl. I was already sensitive in my body and it felt like it was NEVER mine. Pregnancy for me was epically awful. I felt violated and betrayed by my own body. The emotional thoughts and crazy mindsets seem like an entirely different person to me. I think back and ask myself, "Who was that girl??" Yes, she was a version of me, but one I can barely relate to on any level. I am happy to report all of those issues and their lingering effects, disappeared five years after my youngest was born. Despite all of this, I STILL would say having children was the second best decision of my life, however it could have gone immensely wrong. I am lucky to have had the massive supports I did, the understanding and loyal husband, the kind friends, therapy and the other good decisions that made life better as we went along...
26.) My youngest child gets a point of his own, because of the circumstances involved. I miscarried three months before I became pregnant with my youngest. It was traumatic and involved a hemorrhage. It was also an unexpected pregnancy. After the grief process, my husband and I thought long and hard about our future and life goals. I realized that even though I had tough pregnancies and PPD, that maybe it was worth another life in the world? My mind was already adjusting to a family of three children. With great trepidation we decided to try for a third. It was my best pregnancy although it came with it's own issues like bleeding for the first three months...but I actually enjoyed a bit of being pregnant. I finally understood women who loved pregnancy or obtained a pregnancy glow from time to time. I also had a good labour without trauma and bonded well with him after because of that. He was my healing in so many ways. We decided after that to get a permanent form of birth control because we ended on such a positive note. I still had a few lingering effects of PPD but nothing compared to what I dealt with in the earlier years with the first two babies and other miscarriages. When each child passed five, my life became normalized. Now I LOVE having children in my home life. Even though the younger years are adorable I barely got through them, but passed five, the conversations, support and love I have with each of my children are worth the years in hell I endured because they make up for it a hundred fold. Plus, it wasn't the children's fault and I did my best during those years to make sure they were as unaffected as possible, though I was deeply affected...and so was my husband. We don't often speak of those years.
27.) Hiring a doula for my second and third labours. This changed my life for the better. I took back my own care and gained independence from the medical system with this decision. My health improved, I learned about patient autonomy first hand, and I did not take any pain medications for those births because she got me through. They were painful and tough, but my doula enabled me to be at my best. For a woman who is already sensitive, differently wired, and has chronic health issues, this was a huge aspect of my personal rights.
28.) Watching Glee. I know that it sounds odd...and in fact, I still have a hard time with parts of each season, but it stretched me into thought patterns and acceptance levels I would not otherwise have today. For IT'S TIME, it was a needed, new perspective. Now, the concepts are pretty old hat in some movements, but Glee paved the way in both music and acceptance and changed our culture. Most of all, it changed me, on many levels. Especially with a lot of the story lines in season 2.8 (Blaine and beyond) and beyond season 3. It was a show where I finally felt like I belonged. I felt accepted. I no longer felt odd...and it expressed my soul through all my favourite mediums of song, dance, film, and pop culture references. It also re introduced unrecognized music that finally has it's place in known culture today. It was irreverent and sometimes crazy outlandish but also deeply resonating, touching and heartfelt. It was sometimes remarkable, other times escapist, sometimes too raunchy for my sensibilities but other times the profane was purposeful to point out hypocrisy (and also remember the demographic- it was targeting 18-49 year olds) and then downright mediocre with some episodes...but I chose to stick it through, and although I would rather forget multiple episodes, the jewels within gave me food for thought, inspiration, and encouragement in my own life stances and choices. Plus, it made me cry and not a lot makes me cry. It was an outlet to my life when I was in the midst of making crucial life choices. ( I watch the christmas episodes every year with my children, except Previously Unaired Christmas, which actually came with it's own warning for being offensive on multiple levels- Do not watch that episode until you are well versed in Glee or skip it.) It also keeps me motivated now on the Treadmill because I see the young actors ( my age) doing these incredible moves while singing and acting, and I want to be able to at least sustain walks with my children at the same age. The songs are an added boon.
29.) Choosing to pay off debt and be intentional about money. The blog Mr. Money Moustache CLICK helped me in this regard. Money is security and a basic level of happiness in many senses. We have been poor, making 600 dollars a month in Canada while having two children in a low income rental house- I honestly don't think we would have made it without my parents and our support system's generosity from time to time. We have also known fairly good financial gain when we were able to focus on most of our debt...and the freedom that came from not having debt was HUGE. I encourage my children to choose decisions that enable them to be free with their money. So that they can work at any job they are able with hard work, but then take off a reasonable amount of hours to pursue passions and beauty in their spare time. I strongly encourage them to not spend money on higher education but to become differently educated. It IS a possibility in this day and age to search out both peer reviewed sources and original sources to learn about any given subject. I teach them that being a student and a lover of learning are two very different concepts. But if they chose higher education debt, that is also their choice and comes with some pay offs too. However, life is about choices, and I am so relieved my husband and I chose to quit our multiple programs for better stability. I am also glad we chose to live life mostly within our month to month means and focus on our financial goals as a family, as well as within our values.
30.) Renovating our "starter home" into a new version of our "dream home." I never wished for a bi level. I wanted a small, one floor cottage out in isolation. However, we realized with the deal we scored our home with, it was advantageous to make it matter, by staying in it. Thus, after five years of living on the top floor only, we managed to save enough to do basement renovations. Along the way, as we could afford it, we made small, enjoyable creative changes to the house. We built a gothic arch in the front wall for fun...and for that matter...a retaining wall that took five years for my husband to finish. I hated it at first, but now am glad he persevered with his vision. We built a library/rec room because we both thought a home should have a library and a garden. We dreamt and planned the layout ourselves and spent hours of our time creating. I look back at those years as my favourite. It was hard work and our house isn't what I would have originally thought out myself, but for what it is, it is creative and fun. Most people who walk in say comments to me like, "I have NEVER seen a house like this!" or "This is magical...how do you dust it all?" :) or "I walk in and it's twice the size it looks like from outside- I could get lost in the layout because it seems so huge." or "How much work was this? It's like a piece of artwork." or "It's like artists took over your home and created an interesting masterpiece that makes the collector wish to live in it and snuggle up in one of the hobbit holes." - That was my favourite comment.
There are many important small decisions that made our life better as a whole, as well as individually. It is impossible to sum up all of the life changing decisions of thirty plus years, but these are the ones that immediately came to mind. I am so grateful for my circumstances and privileges, but a lot of these aspects we also worked for. We worked HARD to make the life we have today. It was with great preserving, and hard choices. Changing mentalities is never easy work. I am proud of what we made even if we also unmade aspects of life as well. A good life isn't just handed to someone. Yes, there are many factors involved that we should be grateful for, but a life can be ruined or inspired with the varied choices. It takes grit, determination, responsibility, ethics, morals, and autonomy to create a satisfying existence. This is part circumstance, part mentality and part work. Your best choices could be the exact opposite of most of mine and still be fulfilling. Creating is half of the fun.
"Hope when the water rises you built a wall...Hope if everybody runs, you chose to stay... Hope that you fall in love and it hurts so bad, the only way you can know you gave it all you had. Hope you don't suffer but take the pain. Hope when the moment comes you - you'll say, "I did it all." I owned every second that this world could give, saw so many places the things that I did. Yea, with every broken bone, I swear I LIVED. Hope you spend your days, but they all add up. And when that sun goes down, hope you raise your cup. I wish that I could witness all your joy and all your pain. But until the moment comes, I'll say..."I LIVED."- One Republic
I know I can say "I lived and owned every second." How about you and your choices? I hope they feel just as satisfying and if they are not, that the choices in the future reflect whom YOU are.
Song choice:Being Alive- Barbra Streisand:
I Lived- One republic ( The beautiful video about the 15 year old who has cystic Fibrosis is also touching)
