I love watching the light bounce off my sun decor in my room. It's one of my favourite views upon waking. I'm always stunned at how decor plays a part in my inspiration and helping me appreciate small moments. It also helps when I am sick. It's the small things. I have been run down with a bad cold and coconut oil has also been a soothing companion after my many nose clearing showers. It has helped my lips and face feel less cracked. If I have to be sick, I know I'm in the lap of luxury in my home.
Being sick has come with a few reminders about the art of illness and considerations for those in our path. Our culture is not a warm one for ill people. We think we are indispensable and so are our children so we send them to school, hours after (or worse- during!), sickness. We thoughtlessly expose people with different immunities and issues. (for a A docs suggestion of timelines CLICK )
The process behind this mentality is far reaching into facets of ableism and culturally accepted false beliefs on strength versus weakness, bravery versus cowardice, ability versus disability and most of all our own belief in our indispensability and worth. Yes, we are worth a lot individually but we are also replaceable for a time period of healing.
I have been hit hard by this simple cold and it has been a reminder to me that my boundaries on having people over if they've been sick or exposed to people recently sick (within a two week mark) is not extreme. It was my lack of diligence that brought me here and yes sometimes sickness just happens but I know how I got this one. It's on me. Years ago, each time our children came home from hanging with one segment of their cousins we would inevitably be sick. Pretty much every time, we ended up sick within a week of hanging out. There was always a runny nose, a tummy bug or an intense cough. Because the family belief was that if you are sick, it's just part of community life and eventually you will get over it, thus spending time with people matters more. But what about the other people? Do they seriously want sickness? Is that truly community or is it simply believing in one's own worth a little much? What about the immune compromised? (On the flip side avoiding everyone is not healthy either and there has to be moderation in this. 10 days of not being ill is safe enough. Life happens and illness IS a part of it. We just have to do our best within what we know.)
Maybe for some that truly is a form of love, but if you hold to that, be willing to support those you get sick when they come down with the same bug. If it's about community truly, then one would hope you are making meals for them or cleaning their home or taking care of their children because of the illness you passed on. There actually IS responsibility that comes with contagious conditions within the ten day mark.
Can school be caught up on at home? Is your child really that important to the team? Maybe it's important they learn how to play without them? Do you need to attend that function? Yes the child may be disappointed on missing that party, but there could be other children at that party who will suffer deeply for your choice. Your child also learns to respect others and make sacrifices for health by staying home. They can make up another moment when they are well.
I'm sure most people can get by without you and you can make it up to them another time. For myself, this week alone I cancelled four appointments that WERE important. One was even a specialist appointment that took months to get in, but waiting an additional month will not kill us in this case, so I tossed it. Because I should be staying home, not passing my germs into the world, and building health to the best of my ability, so I can once again be my normal. I also can not be a caregiver to those in need, due to many factors including my body composite, so I make sure I come with fair warnings, considerate asking, and informing so that a person chooses what they can handle because I know I will not be holding their hair over the toilet bowl.
Contagions matter. People who are chronically ill are not contagious but when they come down with something that is, they follow these rules generally, because they know what it is like to suffer and be sick...and how an extra bug can take someone down quickly.
People with chronic illness, cancers or different daily diseases are hit harder and sometimes have life threatening complications from bugs that may only run normal immune systems down. The bugs are no fun for anyone, but for most normal immunities they are simply the "common cold or flu." But speaking for all those who have different bodies and may not be as vocal as I am...If you know a person with a daily disease, cancer, extra health complications and chronic conditions and you actually love them, be extra careful when you have been exposed to something. Show up in other ways and wait the two weeks out. It sucks but it's infinitely better then sending your friend or family member to the hospital.
Those of us who have chronic conditions need to be stronger in our boundaries. We want to get together sooner rather than later, so we say, "It should be fine." Sometimes this is true, but most times if we can, we should wait it out. If my cold gets much worse (and thus far I think it's only an aggressive cold) I will have to go get oxygen and IV. Not because I'm a baby but because already I am low on oxygen, dehydrated and my cell size is a quarter of what they are supposed to be so my body doesn't do this well. I'm staying in bed and drinking water and vitamin C all day.
When I get up my heart pounds and it hurts (a common symptom of low ferritin and cardiac arrest is a possibility) but it's under more stress trying to breathe and recover. It's not that sufferers are trying to be pains or attention seekers... in fact generally we go out of our way to seem less high maintenance but the truth is that we have different bodies so we also need different rules of living. It's actually ableist of us to view ourselves as capable as everyone else. We are capable but it shows up differently. It's also ableist of those that love us to ignore this difference.
We have generally forgotten how to be a patient. Patient literally means to wait it out. Convalescing is about honouring the body during illness. We push ourselves and threaten our communities by exposing ourselves too early when we are recovering. It is important that we learn how to be sick properly. That we take time to rest and honour the vessels we travel through life with. If everyone actually stayed home and convalesced for the appropriate time, the sicknesses that circulate around would probably be cut in less than half. In general, the time we would take for our children and ourselves would pay off with less days of suffering in the end. Not only that but if we believe in any aspect of hospitality or grace, the concepts should extend to how we conduct our bodies when sick and how we expose others. Our choices with small illness, the common cold, flu bugs and stomach bugs affect lives. I know sometimes after a long illness we just want to get out. If that is the case, go for a walk in nature where people are not exposed to you. Don't go to the local bookstore for a break after your child just threw up on you. Find respectful ways to both yourself and those around you to find respite. At the very least, give those you love the option of hanging out and warning before hand, and if they choose to still hang out- that is on them. The consideration is key. Individuals in families may decide to take care of each other despite illness and that is something to applaud. They may risk a bug for someone else and as long as they are taking care of themselves in the mean time and not exposing others in the process, this is commendable. The choice aspect and for warning are crucial. It's a completely different story to sacrifice oneself for another if one is able.
I'm thankful to those who know the rules in my life to keep me healthy and give me the choice to hang out despite the illness or to gently put the option in the future. The pre warning when our children play is huge. Playdates can always be postponed. Friendships can carry on at a later date. Many events we think are so important can often wait while we or others recover. That is the ultimate consideration. The consideration of time and individuality.
Give yourself grace and nourishment and extend that hospitality to others. (http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/health/3189364/Learning-the-lost-art-of-convalescence.html)
I don't actually have a song that comes to mind currently. My brain is fuzzy from illness, however I do have a new christmas song I love this year by Kacey Musgraves for a listen:
Most mornings I wake up from nightmares into stunning actuality. I look around at the beautiful room constructed by my husband as my heart pounds because it hasn't quite caught up to reality yet, and I take a deep breath as my eyes adjust. As I rekindle consciousness, my heart fills with gratitude that my life isn't the other way around...where I have to escape into dreams to find reprieve. Instead I simply have to wake.
Minus health issues and various life complications I know I am privileged, even though we each have struggles and blessings. Lately, I have had to search a little more for the positive, which perhaps makes it all the more stunning when found. "Freedom is what we do with what's been done to us."- John Paul Sartre.
For a few weeks to months, due to various complications of personal nature in our lives, including some alarming health issues, I began to feel hopeless and helpless. Globally, in current context, if we are paying even a bit of attention or are sensitive souls, we are perhaps all feeling bits of helpless hopelessness. That energy bleeds into our daily lives. The personal blends context into the bigger picture, and I have had to remind myself that what I choose, my freedom in daily living, matters. Often it feels like just when I begin to get my life together, the pain comes again. It's like one of my favourite Dolly Parton songs from my childhood, ***"Here you Come Again," except I am substituting a circumstance for a person into the peppy, feel good tune. Miranda Lambert crooned in one of her new mellow songs, ****"This moment is heavy. For me I am not ready....forgive me I'm finding my ways...well my body is present. My heart is absent. And my mind is racing. My feet are pacing. It's your tail your chasing. It's the past I'm erasing. And your heart can't be tested- when it ain't well rested. My gears are grinding...it's a matter of timing. I guess nothing ain't surviving... And your heart can't be tested when it ain't well rested." In short, my heart ain't well rested.
I knew I needed a jump start. I spent weeks fluctuating between marking myself dead, and fighting to live. With my symptoms I feel 80 or death like every day. It's NOT normal for someone my age and I have a tough time convincing practical minds (when it's not staring convincingly on an ultrasound or blood test which luckily I have had to back me up) that it's not drama but my reality, despite the face of energy I put out when I can. I was brought up to mask. I prepared my budget for imminent death and made sure that I validated my children with constant words of affirmation for them to remember. Leaving my future self in the hands of institutions I don't trust made the whole situation more complicated. And then, on one of the days when I just wanted to bury myself in blankets and cocoon myself in safety, I asked my husband if we could bring out the kids' christmas presents.
It was one of the best decisions we have made this year. The entire morning leading up to our mini early christmas I was sick. The pain almost took me to the hospital, but what could they actually do for me there? Experience has suggested nine times out of ten they make my life worse. So I rode the pain out and around 2:00 I knew I was improving enough to concentrate on life again. I threw on a red blouse over my PJs and put on some eyeliner. (The other pics featured in this post with my Christmas Sweater are from decorating my mom's tree a week earlier- another beauty moment.) I made my case to my hubby for Christmas in November around noon. We madly cleaned our home, our children motivated by possible gifts (although they took a surprising bit of convincing), and put on every christmas light. Both our trees were lit up. I went to my parents for a lovely lunch and came home to a dreamland which my hubby created while I was gone.
This year my husband had worked an extra few days in the summer so we could order our children unusually large gifts. Normally on Christmas, because they still have my grandparents and parents to spoil them plus a myriad of other people who love to shower them with love, we only gift them with something small ( under 40 dollars or so each.) We prefer to share the love with those whom have less in general and our children have a lot. We had two years where we defied this rule. This year, because of all the pain involved with it and consistent tragedy after tragedy, we decided it was time to spoil our own. To spend money on the children we have in our home, even if they do have a lot, and to make it a fun, seize the moment life.
I was excited about these gifts but slightly nervous I wouldn't be able to see them open them. Yes, part of me thought I would die before Christmas. And I guess none of us really know when anyway, but I was feeling so crappy every day that each morning I was ( and am still) surprised I wake up. I think, "Oh wow, another day...I lived." Then that thought is followed by, "Oh shoot, I have to find the energy to live today and somehow drag myself through my beautiful life." Which I am grateful for deep down but it's also exhausting. My grandpa was hospitalized for possible heart surgery and just in case, I didn't want our christmas affected by one more possible tragedy. So this was the context to which I asked for Christmas in November. I am lucky because I have the option. My children will still get mounds of gifts on Christmas. I don't have to worry that opening now will give them nothing later. I realize my privilege and it is immense.
Walking into my Wonderlandy home, I smiled and felt a small flicker I had not recognized in months. It was hope. The kids shut themselves into my daughter's room while we arranged the gifts in the library. I set up the video camera so that my husband and I could simply be in the moment but also have it recorded for posterity sake. I realize we over record moments in this age, but when one feels like they are on death's door and they have little kids, recording moments seems a bit more important. I want them to relive the love.
Fighting back tears at the sudden burst of unexpected joy, I called my life into the room. They came bounding in with exclamations of "Why don't you go first?" and "Should we do youngest to oldest or oldest to youngest or middle to youngest?" They all waited for each other. My husband and I felt that alone was a moment of success. We exchanged the look parents do when they are pleased and full from the life created between them. We decided on an order and the gifts were slowly opened and savoured. The siblings shared each other's excitement and lingered over gifts before they took their own turn. It was actually perfect. My husband cried because he thought of his childhood and his mom recently gone, but was also happy to have his children in front of him. Mixed emotions of pleasure and pain. I teared up when my son, who shows a LOT of emotion but generally surprise is not one of them, looked like he just won a million snow castles and could not believe it. The sound from his mouth made me laugh and choke on tears. It was hope again and it was coming from a child who ripped himself from my body eleven years ago and has created complicated beauty ever since. He gave me the most emotion because of this.
My daughter and I lingered over her gifts. I was particularly excited because even though she is a teenager, she went with her innocence and asked for an American Girl doll to join her collection. To me, this showed me that we have made the right decision by choosing to home school and slow down the pressure to be an adult. Childhood is only 1/4 of life and it should be protected and valued. I snuck a glance at her youthful yet little woman face glowing, and I felt both pain and joy. Pain that she is beautifully growing into a woman and joy for the same fact.
My youngest spouted rainbows as usual. He is a unicorn of magic when it comes to love and goodness. He is a handful, jumping from one thing to a next and in constant need of support, but the pure love he gives radiates from his being.
My small community that I share Instagram with and a couple people outside of that whom are close, didn't think we were crazy for our Christmas in November. They are used to us doing unconventional things. Plus, our trees were up before Halloween in October thus the timeline seemed about right. I received supportive comments like, "So happy to see you celebrating christmas early." or "This makes me so happy to see you happy." Love like that is priceless and I have it. I have it! I knew I had so much even when I was hopeless, which sort of compounded the hopelessness, if that makes sense? Thoughts akin to, "If I have ALL of this, and these people who love and support my Alice ways, and a beautiful wonderland haven, and a castle in my own home created by my guy, and a man whom loves me, and wonder and beauty and daily struggle inside of this bubble, should I NOT be grateful? Shouldn't I feel hope? Shouldn't I feel the beauty instead of simply seeing it?" I recognized it which made not feeling it even worse. I knew I had a choice on how I perceived my life, and I DID choose to see all of the good. But FEELING it. That has to come when it does.
Choice is freedom. But choice comes long before the feeling does at times. Choice of a moment can stir up feeling and that is important. Our choice to screw with timelines despite possible future disappointment, brought on a bunch of unexpected hope. It may not have worked that way, but the important matter was that we CHOSE it with intent.
We had the freedom to celebrate on our own timeline. It was still Christmas, even in November. My husband, the ever willing man to serve, ran to the grocery store to buy chocolate and strawberries. This MAN, this man who chose me, goes above and beyond sometimes to show his love. He is a well of love and wanting love. All he wanted was a wife who loved him and a little family and a little home. He dreamed of me from the day he could imagine family. And I dreamt of a prince like him. He has put me through hell at times, as I have put him through the fires too, but he IS my soul mate even if I do not believe in soul mates. He is THE one because on my wedding day I said he was. More than that, each day we commit again by communication and hard determination. He is the vessel that enables me to live, and I am the spirit that pushes him onward. He made fresh popcorn on the oven top and delicious home made burgers for a supper treat. Each bite was another bit of hope. Each moment slowed into eternity with an exchange in positive energy. We watched a fun movie later and we went to bed satiated.
I can not begin to explain how much I personally needed this last sunday. Our sundays do not involve church nor any other institution. We are not that type of people, but the community that we STILL have when I uploaded the pictures later that night, was better than any support I ever received in over twenty years of church going. Another choice into freedom.
Life can sometimes be done to us. Some things are out of our control. And sometimes it takes a while for our body, mind and soul to catch up. Things take time. We are not ready for freedom until we are. We aren't ready to react to what has been done to us and to take our choice back, until suddenly we are strong. Sometimes this happens in mere seconds. Other times it take different people, circumstances and events of our own making, to bring us back to hope and joy.
December is tomorrow. I have radioactive tests on monday and more bloodwork to do. There are dental appointments, counselling appointments, EMDR to try for my grieving hubby, optometrists appointments, physiotherapy weekly, and general life requirements. In that I am sure I will fluctuate back to depression and hopelessness. I know I will. But I also know this- HOPE may not be felt for months or years at times, even when we have beauty in front of us. Sometimes we simply have to hold on and keep choosing. We have to show up and sometimes we have to choose not to show up. Both serve. However, hope can be found in the strangest of places. As Dumbledore tells Harry, "“Happiness can be found in the darkest of times, if one remembers to turn on the light.” Sometimes hope works the same way. We have to choose to activate it. It is lingering in the shadows waiting. It's ok for hope to be sidelined while we feel what we need to feel. Hope is not for all moments. In fact, I would argue that feeling without hope, improves hope later. It makes one all the more grateful. Hopelessness in small amounts can also serve. But I would not recommend it for long.
"Now that I've worn out, I've worn out the world, I'm on my knees in fascination, Looking through the night, And the moon's never seen me before, But I'm reflecting light. I rode the pain down, Got off and looked up, Looked into your eyes, The lost open windows, All around, My dark heart lit up the skies. Now that I've worn out, I've worn out the world, I'm on my knees in fascination, Looking through the night, And the moon's never seen me before, But I'm reflecting light. Give up the ground
Under your feet, Hold on to nothing for good, Turn and run at the mean dogs Chasing you Stand-alone and misunderstood. Now that I've worn out, I've worn out the world, I'm on my knees in fascination,Looking through the night, And the moon's never seen me before. But I'm reflecting light"- Songwriter Leslie Phillips sung by Sam Phillips**
We may not have the fortitude or strength for choice. But eventually there comes a time when regardless of strength, we have to choose or at least choose someone to choose for us. “It is not our abilities that show what we truly are. It is our choices.”- Dumbledore
Christmas in November was exactly the amount of magic I needed. It brought me to hope. It was like a movie that speaks to your deepest emotions at a time when you feel nothing and suddenly you hear words set to beautiful imagery and music that shoot straight into your soul. An example would be when we went to Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them and I escaped into beauty. I teared up inside a suitcase with Newt because I was blown away by the 3D beauty. A tiny sliver of beautiful inspiration. Or when we went to Trolls and I sat through most of the movie thinking "Am I on drugs?!? What IS this?!?" It was trippy but there was one part when Justin Timberlake starts crooning, "You with the sad eyes....Don't be discouraged Oh I realize it's hard to take courage in a world full of people...this world makes you crazy, you have taken all you can bear." And I started crying from the combination of his compassionate voice and the sparkles of colour coming on to the darkness of the screen. I actually don't full out cry often. If I do, it usually takes movies or music to trigger me and I had no idea that a psychedelic children's film I didn't particularly enjoy would give me that moment. Or like the Gilmore Girls revival that brought home the fact that you can live in the most idealistic town possible and still have disappointment. You can live in the place of most privilege and not lead a life of beauty.* It's all about whom one chooses to be.
My hope for the world at large? That we can each recognize choice when it is ours. That we have the strength to implement choice or safe people to rely on to implement it for us. That we choose to see inspiration in big cash movies or small town charm. That we celebrate moments like Christmas in November.
*NOTE: As I have mentioned before in posts, personality is ONE aspect of being human and your individual make up. Environment, upbringing, birth, health, trauma, life experience, mental or cognitive differences, genetics, beliefs, gender preferences, country of origin....there are so many aspects that make up YOU. However, I firmly believe finding your accurate personality helps you understand more of yourself and how you work. Take a free test HERE: http://www.16personalities.com - or sign up with an email and take test here http://www.personalityhacker.com/genius-personality-test/ (this site has amazing insight, podcasts and videos.) The key is to answer as you ARE and not as you would want to be like. Meyers Briggs/ Keirsey is what the 16 personalities is based on and has research behind it for a reason. It is more of a descriptor of what you value and how you work out of the world in regards to communication and relationships.I am speaking with authority about INFJ because I am one. However, I make sure I am also reading up on all of the other types and I listen to every single Personality Hacker. Understanding more than just your type is key but writing about YOUR type can help the world. I encourage you, if you are not an INFJ, to write about your type and feel free to link it in the comments, as we need more personal stories on other types out there:) **
I enjoy Michael Pierce's videos on Personality. They are usually around a twenty minute verbal and visual window to introducing people to their cognitive based personality types. After my friends watch theirs, I send them over to Personality Hacker for specific articles and podcasts, but I usually use Michael Pierce's videos first. Below is the INFJ Video. HERE is the link as well. It's my type thus I am going to leave quotes that hit me specifically below and the time they are on the video with expanding thoughts. Also, if I say it's "bits" or "segments" in the time slot, you could benefit from listening to that point and not just the written quote:
I am skipping the introduction because listening to it gives context to the first quote below so I hope readers will listen to it first...
"...are audacious observers and profilers. These insights are very matter of fact and while the ISTP is far more wiling to share them despite the feeling concepts the INFJ will very much censor themselves for the sake of others. They are remarkably sensitive to the implications of their experiences. Metaphorically they have highly sensitive spiritual skin...as a natural result of this they feel the need to protect this skin with various layers of armour and clever strategies of escape and withdrawal from emotional threats.." (1:22- 1:42 Michael Pierce)
The whole video resonates but I love how the beginning starts off with the fact that INFJ's will censor themselves for others. I am constantly censoring myself almost 98 percent of the time and I don't do it for myself at all. I agree that I have a sensitive spiritual skin and I do protect with layers of armour and strategies of escape. My brain is always pondering these boundaries and protections in any given circumstance.
"...so remarkably private and reserved and their primary response is to withdraw...( fun part to listen to here- recommend) should they be caught and kept from retreating...um well, have you ever been bit by a wolf spider? Thus, the warmth of the INFJ is not unlike a genuinely caring and gracious host. Very willing to let just about anyone into their house but depending on the person very particular to which rooms can enter and enjoy and which are kept forbidden to them and how long they may stay in the house at all. But they do any thing in their power otherwise to do their duty to mankind to make their guests stay as comfortable and refreshed as possible."( Bits from 2:08- 2:55 Michael Pierce)
Lol yes, should I be caught...Yikes a wolf spider is accurate! Don't withhold me when I need to retreat. However, most times I do not need to, in the circumstances I put myself in, and I love to host and meet the needs of people at my own leisure. It is true that both in my emotional psyche and my own home I have things that are forbidden to people yet the rooms that are open are to be enjoyed. I also tend to have time limits. I often feel stretched over two hours, unless it is broken up by a show or movie, then I can go on for awhile longer visiting between and after...but even if I am enjoying the company of others I have limits to how long I can handle other's energy, how I will pay, and how long I will take to recover. (There are exceptions to this and long lost friends coming together are often exceptions- K.M. Also, if I am asking over and over for them to stay that's a pretty good indicator I have extra energy that day and want to take advantage of more time.;)
As my family can attest to, I am very cranky towards them when people leave after a longer period of time, even if I was kind and generous during and honestly savouring the company. It takes a personal toll. I feel it is my duty. It does not come out of feeling although feelings CAN come later, as will be explained later in the video, but rather a sense of duty to what I want to achieve for people. And it ends up being my love... I want them to feel like they have just been at a proverbial spa. The work it takes to create the spa, environment, conversation that is calming and insightful, and the energy taken out by someone in a spa space, is a sacrifice to all who work at the Spa or manage it, but it's one I actually, paradoxically, love to make in general when it is not being taken advantage of.
"...Can come across as obscure, mystic, seer or some other supernatural figure because their process is behind closed doors...in some sense they don't want you to see their house until they have had some time to clean up for you. In that sense they are theatrical. They are there FOR YOU to host and address YOU...very rarely is it the other way around."( Bits from 3:01-3:30 Michael Pierce)
Yes, I am often told I am mysterious. Which used to baffle me but now I get it and love that part of myself. I prefer most of my process to be behind closed doors. The only exception to this is when I write and also my Instagram. I keep it small and write personal thoughts that I otherwise would not share in person. I consider those on my board an honoured witness to my otherwise private journey. I also consider myself honoured to have them listening to the randoms I put out there...yet even then, it's not my complex thoughts at all. Those I save for rare discussions.
On a practical level, it is true, I actually do not like people seeing my house before I have had time to clean up for them. I am not a clean freak or a type A at all...But I am dramatic. My house is my canvas and I feel it shows off best when clean and everything in it's magical place. It's cluttered and bohemian but particular in placement. The statement that INFJ's are there for YOU to host and address YOU and very rarely have it the other way is true. I have a very tough time being hosted. Very rarely do I enjoy it. I prefer to be there for others. I prefer to centre my space around others instead of being hosted on by them. There are exceptions to this however (my mother, my childhood best friend, my husband, grandmother ect.) but generally it's how I work the best.
(Video worth listening to onward...) "...Sharp contrast between the shallow courtesies of small talk and disarmingly intense and deep exploration of subjects. There is little to no gradation of the shallow and deep ends of the pool for them." (3:47- 3:56 Michael Pierce)
It's very true that I can jump from shallow courtesy to immediate depth in the span of a minute and see it as related. Unfortunately, unless the person is a type that shares one of my main cognitive functions this isn't an easy path to follow. Most people will say, "What did you just say?" or "Say that again" or my favourite "Where did that come from?" Though I see it as connected.
"The image overall - a mysteriously wealthy newcomer to town...generous but almost off putting ... to where they come from..." ( Bits taken from 4:09- 4:22 Michael Pierce)
Yes, I like to benefit people with my spaces but if the conversation is turned to my inner workings I gently lead it back around to the other. That is what my writing is for. If they care to learn about me, I feel they should read my writing, instead of have me explain. If I sent them something it is not out of a belief they SHOULD read it but an invitation TO read. If they do out of desire and a genuine connect I feel they just got my part of the conversational sharing:) I don't have the patience or desire to repeat most conversations and I find myself clearer about my own self in writing. My biggest love language is verbal validation with comments or paying attention and giving feedback to my written word. This does not apply to those who are not reading out of spite, vindictiveness or to try to figure me out for curiosity sake. But the ones who take the time to care about my writings or are genuinely loving them or finding insight, validation or encouragement...or even relating- those are often my most favourite people because I don't have to explain myself. They have taken the time to know. Then when they are in my space I will make SURE it is all about them. But of course we will still have deep discussions and I will share my experiences if they enrich the conversation in that regard. Most conversations with me will be deep if we are both being truly comfortable with one another. (From 4:49 onward he gets into the cognitive functions which are important but I will make the assumption that most searching this post already know those or will watch it themselves:)
"...Easily grasping complex subjects...they watch the motions of causes and implications that are hidden beneath the surface appearance of events. INTJ's deal with their NI insight by reconciling by their personal value system...the INTJ therefore comes to have very deep desires or sometimes perhaps fears regarding their insights...deep feelings naturally motivate strong forward action to bring things to pass or prevent them. But the INFJS realm is to introverted intuition and thinking, therefore they are instead reconciling their intuitive insights with a valueless logical, rational system with a purely rational blueprint of the universe. Feeling only enters the picture, when the INFJ considers the implications of their ideas for others and their well being. They are motivated instead to understand the universe in a rather ISTP way and impart that knowledge to others in a way that will benefit them. The INTJ starts however, with the evaluation of the vision, deciding for and of themselves whether it's good or bad, and blue prints do not come into the picture until the INTJ begins bringing the vision about. The INTJ then is much more of a visionary in the regular sense of the world, the INFJ on the other hand takes on the relatively passive, contemplative wisdom imparting role of the wise man." ( Bits from 5:48-7:38 Michael Pierce. I highly recommend to listen to this whole part if you are an INTJ or INFJ)
It is true that as an INFJ, I find complex subjects easy to grasp...explaining this outside of paper and pen/computer and screen (or my brain for that matter!) is not as easy! My bestie is an INTJ which makes sense because we both share the NI insight. Where we are different is how those insights come across. She will often be motivated into action to do something or prevent something with her insights. I will want to assess and step back without feeling at first to see the whole picture, then I will ADD feeling when I speak for the sake of others. It's actually a choice I have when I consider the implications of my ideas that my insights will have on other people. I want the world to be a better place. I want the well being of souls to be high on the priority list.
My INTJ friend is a visionary. Especially in the real definition of the word! Amazing! However, I often prefer to have the same insights but look at them from a place of passivity and understanding to then impart to others. I do like the role of a wise man. The wise man or woman in every story I read was the character I wanted to be or could relate to. It was never the main hero. It was the seer or the witch, or the outcast who came for an instant to say something profound and then hermit away once more.
"If there is anything the INFJ lives for it is to positively impact others through their hard earned wisdom and understanding. To enlighten others like a wise man...( a lot more verbal explanation here to listen to) always something to do with the well being of other people..." ( 7:38- 7:60 Michael Pierce)
Yes! And I DO feel it is hard earned. A fact I wish those who asked for my advice would take seriously or those who listen to the times I do impart what I see of the world. But, as always, I believe people to be able to take or leave my advice. I value freedom of choice. I am not married to my beliefs but rather see them as observations and outcomes that have been proven over and over to often be true, but a choice that people can take or leave, because ultimately their well being could very well come from making mistakes. Who am I to stop those mistakes? But warning of them, I do feel is my duty, if I see a pattern. "...To help steer people away from dangers, to help steer them away from something they are unable to see for themselves, so the INFJ takes on the role of a concerned observer who seeks to help, uplift, and edify others with their knowledge even to help them see the world from the INFJS far reaching eyes. In a word... to enlighten them." ( 8:16- 8:38 Michael Pierce)
I am having a tough time not saying a resounding, "Yes!" after each of these quotes. Anyway, steering away from danger is HUGE for an INFJ. We value safety and a lack of harm in general. We observe deeply in a way that most people do not even know they are being observed, but we see patterns in relationships, choices and the environment. We want to use these patterns to uplift those we love. We want to validate where they are coming from but then steer them closer to their own personal deep down desires...sometimes even unknown to them. And help them remove the behaviours or beliefs that are standing in their own way. Enlightenment would be the operative word.
(My daughter was watching Gilmore Girls while I was writing and happened to glance at this picture and laughed, "Oh my mother. So true. You are so funny. I love you.")
"INTJ and INFJ...both dominantly perceiving types, seeking before all else to take in information from the environment without taking a judgment upon it thus very image based with strong imaginations ...seek to open people's eyes to the things they themselves see, especially the INFJ... To shine light on an issue and often do not think to add any meaningful judgment on it, at least not yet, their first concern is to get a clear view of the thing and how it works. This can be confusing to say the INFP because while everything the INFJ says is quite interesting to them none of it seems particularly meaningful to the INFP because of how unattached and impartial the INFJ always strives to be towards things, but the INFJ feels that a judgment of this kind would conceal or could obscure aspects of the full thing from view. ( 8:44- 9:43 Michael Pierce)
Both my INTJ friend and I LIVE off of taking in information. We are constantly bouncing this information off of each other. It's why we work so well together in general. Neither of us judge the information either. We are both inclined to allow information to be simply what it is with no good or evil attached. I am probably the one more prone of us to share my insights with others. I want to help people open their inner eyes and see connections. Especially if I think it will improve quality of life but I also am not disappointed if it does not, after an initial adjustment phase.
I do find that this is confusing to my INFP friends. While the INFP has much in common with an INFJ they are also VASTLY different. I don't like to have feelings get in the way of the entire process. INFP's are one of the most feeling types so I can see how this would bother. I will of course, consider feelings, but only after the whole picture has been brought to light. To an INFP this can come across as fake or callous.
"It is common for both the INFJ and the INTJ to often feel as though everyone around them does not see as far or as much as they do. Other people do not seem to actually think but always stop short of the fullest version of the thing...the causes and implications from what's on the surface...the INFJ often feels like the enlightenment of others is the goal....feel very alienated from people." ( Highly recommend listening to the rest of this for INTJ and INFJ types. BITS from 9:51- 11:54 Michael Pierce)
The image for the quote above was the new Sherlock, whom I can relate to but is an INTJ. I see myself in the many ways he speaks and observes. He, however, does not bring the feeling of consideration in as much when delivering to others, which is what the INFJ generally strives for. Thus, we have an F instead of a T, even though we are not an exactly a feely type of person. Both my INTJ friends and I often feel like we are aliens apart from others. This is because of our dominant cognitive function that is vastly different from the other types. We do often feel like others are watching an entirely different show from us even when they can relate. In this case it takes one to know one. However, for myself, I feel that enlightenment of others is my goal, but it is NOT for others to see the world my way but to promote perspective for peace.
10:00 - 10:60 made me laugh. INTJ's may laugh too. "They don't believe you either huh?" ha ha...You will have to listen to know why. Then he goes on to contrast the INFP and INFJ. If you are either personality, this part will be particularly interesting to you. I highly recommend the listen.
" Ethical...because you have discovered that you must do it, regardless of how you feel about the matter, Kant later adds that if you happen to want to do it later, all the better...This is very abhorrent...especially to the INFP...reason is conversely treated as impersonal...this view finds its epitome in Kierkegaard who claims the exact opposite of Kant...because you truly DO want to do it..." (Listen to hear for in depth analysis on why ect. Highly recommend the rest of this part. BITS from 12:43- 13:36 Michael Pierce)
The above quote is one of the most important. Regarding the ethics of INFJ's, we are propelled towards morality not by our feelings but by what we must DO. We can feel greatly opposed to something but if we see that it is the action that must be taken, we will do so. I can see why this would especially be disgusting to an INFP who works from a place of feeling into the world. It would seem very impersonal. I agree with Kant but I can see the validity of Kierkegaard, even though I find him not quite deep enough. I also think that just because I agree with Kant more does not mean that Kierkegaard is not valid or of equal standing in viewpoints. In fact, I see both as benefiting to the world at large. We need both.
"This is why the INFJ can find INFP and other FI preferring types irritatingly selfish and self centred while the INFP finds the INFJ sometimes to be irritatingly insincere and ultimately untrustworthy and unpredictable." (14:08- 14:32 Michael Pierce)
Oh my fellow INFP's...I am surrounded by you on my Instagram and my personal places and let me say first and foremost - I adore you and learn from you. You are valuable and you often bring a missing aspect to the table of my life. On the rare occasion, I can feel slightly frustrated at the constant exaggerated feeling portrayed and I admit I used to find it selfish on the rare occasion. UNTIL I learned about the INFP personality on podcasts and the companion INFP video by Michael Pierce. Then I understood that really it's just the cognitive function stack. You are NOT selfish nor self centred. Just like I am NOT insincere or untrustworthy. Granted, I can be unpredictable. But if INFPs have read in depth at personality hacker about INFJs they will know we deeply value trust and sincerity. Just like I now know that INFPs are not wishy washy artists who do not follow through because of their whims. They are simply feelers whom have a tough time being attached to a particular time or place. Neither is better. Sometimes I will forget this fact and see selfishness but then I remind myself of perception itself and neutrality. Because I WANT to see this instead of use my feelings which can not always be trusted....see what I just did there?:)
"But the INFJ refuses to let anyone see this core because who they are is NOT this primordial core but how they chose to manifest it at any given point for the sake of others..." (14:37- 14:49 Michael Pierce...Fun part about magic tricks following.)
"The INFJ cares about what they actually do about the effects of their actions, while the INFP is more concerned about the intentions and the purity behind their actions." (After this segment he goes on to describe the difference in empathy which is important but I am not going to cover here.)
Can I just say, "THANK YOU MICHAEL PIERCE for pointing this out." An INFJ core is whom we choose to manifest. Our core is NOT our feelings but our choices. Our hearts ARE our minds in a sense. I often don't care about the purity of my actions. In fact, I will often do what is opposite of what I desire for the sake of another. To me that IS authentic because it was a CHOICE I made with self control and observation FOR someone else. My husband is an ENFP and this is where we contend. Because like an INFP he can sometimes think this is unauthentic because it was a choice. I believe both are authentic - just different processing. I care more about what I do with information and not how I first felt about it.
"...The INFP acting more like a personal therapist, while the INFJ is more removed acting like a personal psychologist or diagnostician. But both still feel very deeply for other people it's just that the INFJS method is to dispassionately understand other people...comes into play as a sense of injustice towards those who created such horrible circumstances for the sufferer and a desire for things to be set right by their TI system."( 16:36- 17:08 Michael Pierce segments)
Yes, INFPs are amazing at listening. They are sensitive and kind and love to probe people's feelings to get them to a place of safety. My goal is the same but I do seem like I can dissect from a less feeling standpoint. I LOVE diagnosing or helping others find their own diagnosis and a professional to help them out. I feel deeply for others but I find I work best when I detach myself from how I feel and concentrate on how they feel. I will also become the most passionate if I feel a grave injustice has occurred to me or to those in my life. I will definitely be the harshest on those who created a horrible circumstance and I will desire to set it right with my TI system.
INFJ and ISTP similarities from 17:08:
"A common INFJ idea is don't get angry but seek instead to understand. Generally people are all for this idea they think its great until of course the INFJ seeks to understand rapists and child molestors for the sake of knowledge, and should they present their sympathetic findings, as always in their comforting FE fashion, the contrast between these two things: The FE and the TI honesty, well, the contrast can be rather disturbing." (17:47- 18:16 Michael Pierce)
I can be angry but often the feelings I have are slight irritation or frustration. It's rare that I am seriously angry. Even when I say trite statements like "That makes me angry." I'm not actually all that enraged because my brain is working to understand what is making me angry while I am saying it. I seek to understand. And yes this has gotten me in trouble. My husband often says that he feels for me because no other type of personality feels and understands their enemies so much. I spend thought into the motivations and trauma of others...what makes them THEM. Even if I do not condone an action I CAN actually understand how it happened. Even when it is done to me. Which is quite conflicting. It's unfortunate that INFJ's will never be given this courtesy, to this extent, by anyone other than another enlightened INFJ. Also, it is true that I present a person's motivation with matter of a fact, deadpan honesty but also with compassionate insight and this can confuse people or even disturb them.
"Sometimes the INFJ DOES get angry or irritated and here, they become rather the opposite of the detached psychologist... It would be a serious mistake to consider the INFJ always dispassionate - they only come off that way because they are following a personal TI sense of duty or set of principles that they will not break no matter what they feel or fancy at a particular moment. " ( 18:16- 18:39 Michael Pierce)
That being said, I DO get angry. And when I do TRULY get angry, anyone in my way will know. I will verbally destroy someone and I have to watch what I say. I come across as neutral a lot because I squelch my own feelings under a sense of duty, but the times that I don't squelch are the times that involve injustice towards me (particularly disability because I know in the end it won't just affect me but the behaviour will affect all those disabled so I am not just angry for myself) or any other person I love.
Usually I have a set of principles I will not break even with those closest to me. I will constantly redirect my negative feelings to find a proper outlet and open communication. As an INFJ, my feelings are secondary.
"As a rule, their strongest principles are towards others welfare and when these are violated in their eyes it is remarkably easy for the INFJ to set all empathy for the trespasser aside." (18:47-18:57 Micheal Pierce)
(19:01 made me chuckle too...I can see that and yes, it comes out occasionally in my writing...LOL the examples slayed me...but as any INFJ can attest to- too true, too true. Yet, we have Ghandi as one of our own so I am not too concerned.)
"There is a sense both to INFJ's and INTJ's of wanting to scour the whole entirety of existence and experience in the most raw and real way. For INFJ's this is often a method of shocking people by suddenly illustrating something with unprecedented graphicness. Perhaps the best example of this is Dostoyevsky who described the brutal murder and depravity in his stories with solemn but unflinching honesty. Another example would be Dante who gave the scenes of hell an unsettling realism and rawness." (21:24- 21:57 Michael Pierce.)
The writers he discussed I relate to yet I can not handle reading in large doses. Why? Because it's already my brain in the works. My ENFP husband ADORES Dostoyevsky, and years before I even knew about personality, I said to him in response to his question on why I will not read Dostoyevsky in large amounts, "Because my brain already lives in that frank darkness, I see the depravity and it hurts ALL THE TIME. If I read, I want a reprieve from what and whom I am in general. While I love intellectualism and will read some of his brilliant thoughts I can only take it in doses. I need light and fluffy to counter balance myself." After reading personality this made even more sense. I relate to INFJ writers but I don't crave reading them all the time. My husband does because it is deep enough for his brain but different enough from his own cognitive stack to be hugely insightful and mind blowing. I adore Spinoza but I can't handle a ton of him...it's too much like my own mind. Although there are exceptions of course like Montaigne and J.K Rowling whom I can not get enough of because I relate so well. But if I am going to pick a philosopher to read more in depth it is usually an INTJ. I LOVE Friedrich Nietzsche! Because it's similar to my thought as we are both NI dominant but since we portray it differently I can learn a little bit more and chew on a bit more information that can be slightly different from my perspectives but I can still grasp. I have heard the same said about INTJ's regarding INFJ's philosophies.
If I wanted to describe something in gruesome detail I could. Even in my writings I do not go towards poetry often or words that evoke deep feeling. That type of writing most likely manifests in an INFP writer like Tolkien or C.S. Lewis. I prefer to write matter of fact paragraphs with imagination swirling through on occasion. I prefer to write to shake the common beliefs surrounding, give alternatives, and pure reality. I want rawness...while I deeply enjoy beautiful lyricism I prefer it with a dose of reality and have a tougher time reading pure poetry. It's not better...it's not less...it just is what speaks to me as an INFJ.
If you found this insightful I strongly urge you to enjoy all or any of Michael Pierce's videos on personality types. Also, I strongly urge you to listen and watch the entire podcast to get the context of the quotes as well as the fun cartoons and pics in the background. If you crave more after watching, the best site is Personality Hacker for personal podcasts found HERE. I also have another post on INFJ personality, which happens to be the top hit on my blog daily, HERE. 16 Personalities is the best place for a common, quick written overview of each personality. (click HERE.)
My hope is greater understanding to create a better world. Understanding creates peace. Peace promotes an environment of love and well being. May it be.
I also have a post on the Contradictions, ironies and paradoxes of the INFJ here:
I'm leaving the below pin because it resonates and makes me laugh:
I feel the lyrics in this song are especially geared towards INFJ in many ways even though John Lennon is suspected to be an ENFP or INFP...the lyrics in this one could apply to all three of these Idealistic types, but certain phrases certainly resonate with an INFJ.
It took me a month plus a couple days to really face the fact that I gained two extra sizes in clothing. But I can honestly say I have adjusted now. (See previous post HERE.)
I have a plan and it's no longer hinging on weight loss. First, I saw my therapist and doctor. We figured out that while I am eating fairly great ( I have made a few tweaks here and there but nothing major... less cream in my tea ect.), and walking almost every day, my muscle weakness is not burning calories for me. I have the bare amount of muscle to get by in life. He said, even if I am walking, I won't lose because my muscles aren't engaged enough to burn calories, thus he wanted me to start muscle training and squatting. My heart sunk at this statement because I knew my history. I try exercise, it goes well for maybe a few days, then I put my back out, injure myself and end up far worse than I was before. And depressed. He told me to work with my physiotherapist to come up with a plan that could work. That felt hopeful.
I can not stress enough, the importance of Physiotherapy to anyone who is suffering chronic illness, muscle weakness, fatigue and injury (all of which I have.) Because my physiotherapist is well versed in my whole physiology and muscle composition, she automatically ruled out squats. Our goal will be to GET me to a point where I can manage squats. It will take a few months. Which is both depressing and validating all at once. She said because of my hip injury and because my muscles are so weak, I cause myself injury because I lift from my back, which can't withstand the weight. My back is stronger than my thigh muscles which shows the imbalance of my body. Basically we have to start from breathing exercises, triggering stomach muscles into action carefully, and basic lifts.
She gives me little exercises every day to build on. I see her regularly. In the last session, I was allowed on the bike for six minutes but then she wouldn't let me use any resistance. What's hilarious is that a seventy year old was using resistance beside me for longer. Which was depressing and humorous all at once. I'm really laughably sore and it has only been two weeks of daily intentionality. But I have lost one full pound in that time, so I really do think that muscle control/burning was my missing puzzle piece. Someone suggested I run but she said no running ever because my postural muscles are not strong enough to sustain the wear and tear running causes. Plus, my one leg is shorter than the other which requires balancing muscles... so there goes that plan - luckily we don't live where the lions are.
I want to be strong. I miss being able to do simple hard work without paying for it. I resent disease and dyspraxia combined causing this, plus a past injury. I envy those whose bodies are lucky enough to do squats without preparation. Who can build muscle simply for more strength and enjoyment. I miss moving muscle for muscle sake. I'm craving energetic activities. I want to be back in the game. I will do what I can for the stage my body is at. My husband reminded me to be grateful I can do this much compared to a year ago. Chronic illness can be so vast for different people and it's important not to judge myself against anyone else.
For years, I would try different exercise programs and end up in bed for weeks at a time. I WANTED to get in shape. I desired to be strong, but no matter what I tried from high intensity to gentle yoga or stretching, I would cause further harm and injury. Some of this was because Dyspraxics can't often tell how much pressure they are applying in the moment or even really feel strain until a few days later. But most of the issue was that, despite doctor's aid or permission for "lighter" programs, I was missing a piece of the puzzle. Physiotherapy. I needed a trained health care professional well versed in the muscle composition of the body, to start me off slowly and re train my weird body to get to a point when I can even begin to do an exercise program. My first physiotherapist was previously a Gynaecologist as well and she was the one who informed me of my back, hip and abdomen injury composition. We worked for five months on breathing alone before she moved ( I was at a point in anemia where I barely functioned.) Where I live, the physiotherapy is free but it's a two year waiting period. So I waited while walking (the only activity I could manage and if I walked too much in one day I would still put my hip/lower back out) and I gained a bit in the meanwhile, and finally received a phone call a year and half later to meet my new physio gal.
TIP: The physiotherapist has their hands on every aspect of your body within the first session. It's always uncomfortable for me because I am actually a private person, despite what comes across on this space. I learned from the first time that it's important to wear flexible, form fitting capris, tanks and over shirts that can come off. I also wear socks even though I don't wear socks in minus 4o degree weather in my outdoor boots. I hate socks so much and they often make me feel colder. But at Physio I wear grip ones because runners are a pain to change into (plus I don't own any) but bare feet is gross on the hospital floor, plus they also tend to touch the feet a lot, so I don't want them to deal with anything unpleasant. Even with the appropriate attire, they tend to lift up clothing. No area of the body is off limits. They assess EVERYWHERE. Something I was not prepared for the first time I went in. It's professional but it DOES feel invasive as they press into your buttocks to feel the muscle groups, lower pelvis and so on. I also make sure my legs are waxed/shaved/ ect. and I smell good because I can't imagine how that job would go for them dealing with so many aspects of various bodies. If you feel uncomfortable with a certain gender, keep these aspects in mind when choosing a physiotherapist.
My priorities have gone from wanting to lose weight to wanting to gain strength. The weight was my trigger point. I will admit I plummeted into an obsessive state for a few weeks. I got a calorie counter (and found out I am usually 200 calories under what I need to lose weight so that wasn't super helpful but I use it every day to see how I can maximize the healthier calories first.) I scrutinized the mirror for fat lumps. Basically I was off balance in my perspectives. But I needed to move through that phase to get to where I am now. It's just how I am. I spend a couple months in obsessiveness when a change happens, then I adjust my perspectives, change some things, let it go, and move on.
I realized, like anything, there are pros and cons to weight gain or loss. When I look at normal people and weight changes, I see the good and the bad. The thinner I get, the more wrinkles show ( unless using botox ect.), dark circles are more obvious, there is a general lack of glow, smaller boobs ( a con for me- ha ha), and less of a square face shape. With weight gain I benefit in different ways. However, on the flip side, when I am a few sizes down from where I am now, I fit into clothes I love. I get to shop at my favourite store which does not carry much at the size I am currently at, and come home with loads of happy options. I feel better belly wise. I tend to carry the most on my belly and I like it not digging into my pants.
When I looked at this list, I realized that the weight no longer mattered anymore. I am what I am. Both sizes have attributes I miss in the other category. Both have aspects I benefit from. However, I realized what DOES matter to me is strength. I was getting the two mixed up. I want to be able to lift my nephew without putting out my back. I want to spend more hours with him than I usually can manage, because I am stronger. I want to be able to open jars without calling my kids or having to skip out on it entirely because no one is around to help me. I want to be able to carry a box without injury, lift groceries without feeling a rip in my side, manage the times the kids pile up on me and I can't breathe, dance without getting out of breath (due to anemia but I think strength will give more oxygen), and any other numerous activities that require muscle tone.
I don't want to be a weight lifter nor am I in admiration for the look of muscles. It's fine if people look like that, but it has never been a goal for me. It's not about looks at all...it started out that way admittingly, but I have moved on. It's about quality of life. I finally think I have found a way to master aspect of chronic illness plus meet my body from a place of strength. I felt hopeless for so many years, watching others be in health, muscle and achieve awesome goals for themselves. But now, I have my new physiotherapist. I make sure I engage in her exercises every day.
This may seem small to most, but I feel so sore every night. Last night I tossed and turned till three because my abdomen was burning so much. I have to apply hot packs (at her suggestion.) But, it's been two weeks and I have not put out my back yet! Which is amazing. For the first time since my early twenties, I feel that I may be able to heal parts of my body. She thinks that we MIGHT be able to heal the injury spot. She says it will always be a problem area but if we do the right muscle groups, we may be able to trigger it less and less! That is HUGE for me. She also suggested I see my naturopath again to get more minerals into my body. I feel these are all things I can do. For so long my life has been about what I can't do and what I can't eat. I suddenly feel empowered. There are small changes happening already but it's not automatic or linear. It's the long haul journey of setbacks and forwards. I want to enjoy it...I think I can do this.
Coming from a place of empowerment versus helplessness is so important. I highly encourage anyone who is suffering from chronic illness, injury or Dyspraxia to find a knowledgeable physiotherapist. She has made all the difference for me. I finally feel hopeful in these aspects of life.
Song Choice: Michael Buble's new album came out. Love this song- it encompasses how I feel:
