One of my children is particularly verbal. He has been since month nine of his existence. Sometimes because of this factor, he seems more able and wise beyond years at times. An old soul. But in life there is always a double side, and with this verbal prowess comes the tendency for people to assume he can handle more than he can at his age. Myself included sometimes.
They may sound old, but he has the same struggles I do, in varied ways. I try to remember that his pre frontal cortex is still developing at his age, so even if he sounds like a grown up, he may still struggle with accessing his reasoning side of their brain in a more grown up way. He thinks because his arguments sound good, that he must be mature...yet he is not old enough to constantly remember to put relationships BEFORE issues, with important people in their life.
His magnificent ability with words can both heal and wound. Unfortunately, because of age, meltdown mode, sensory issues, and OCD anxiety, he can sometimes be brutally raw and sometimes cruel. He can cut to the heart of the matter and see things in people they do not see in themselves. But the delivery does not have the maturity of restraint. He knows he owns partial truths but does not realize yet that there is always another aspect of the equation which is why after a meltdown we have a "therapy session", once calm, to promote growth in this area.
To date, this has been the toughest year of his young life. He may be a quicker processor in some things, but emotions take more sorting out. Chaos is not welcomed and creates distress in his brain. I understand this because it's my life story too. I am constantly applying understanding of my brain to his brain. However, even being an Autistic myself, and applying this knowledge, we end up mis communicating. He has had the toughest time with me this year. Partially because I am a safe source to act out against. A mother's love and all that.
Last week we had a breakthrough. It was after a yogourt container was thrown across the room when he was mad at a trivial change in plans, and it exploded all over the kitchen. The meltdown was beyond control at that point so there was screaming, hurtful words thrown all over anyone who was in the room, and finally a running down the stairs and slamming the door with the sound of the lock click as I followed quickly behind to make sure he was safe. The screaming probably disturbed the neighbours this time...For myself this is also very hard because screaming insults my sensory needs as an Autistic. A normal mom would be bothered but for myself, it triggers my crisis center and it takes all my self control not to meltdown myself. In the past, I will admit, that there have been about four times when I have started to simply cry or plug my ears and yell over the noise for him to go to a safe place to scream. Generally, I try to keep it together until after but my face flushes and my heart rate is high.
This time I was extremely distressed. I called my husband at work because often my son will not come out for hours and may spend them all screaming. My husband and sometimes mother are often the only ones who can cut this time down. I can't. Maybe because I understand and also partially because my mother and husband are NOT autistic so they come to the situation with another perspective. Sometimes I need to do damage control for some expectations of behaviour I know can not be met during meltdown that are expected from non autistic individuals. I have to mediate, but generally, because of my education, they understand him too and mostly are in tune with what he requires in these moments.
My husband was unavailable so I was on my own. I took a few deep breathes, stopped my teary eyes from thinking about the words that were spoken to my soul, and reminded myself that I was the adult with a bit more regulation. I knocked on the door and said loudly over his noise, "Once you feel more in control after melting down, you must unlock this door and once you get to a point of calm we need to talk." Later, I came back to a calmer guy. He surprised me by unlocking the door right away and running to the bed to put his head under the covers. This was a big step that I did not have to wait for my husband to force the lock. I sat down and said calmly, " I understand that you were triggered into meltdown. You were distressed about the small change in plans and I should have seen the signs that this would bother you more today. However, while I understand your behaviour, I also am unfortunately both your teacher and parent. Some behaviours you would be expected to learn at school are skipped at home. I need you to learn some regulation for not just others safety but for your own. I know you can understand what I am about to say but I want you to ask any questions if you do not. Here is the deal. In grown up life, our goal is to enable you to have a safe life the way you wish to live it. But in grown up life, if you are working and you break something, you have to offer to pay for it and clean it up. If you have a meltdown you need to get to yourself to a safe private place, allow yourself 15 minutes of unregulated emotion in that place, but then take responsibility if there was missed work or any damaging words said during your meltdown phase. One you can not help, the others you can."
At that point he said, "I know, I already thought to offer to pay for the yogourt." I replied with, "Good. I am proud of you for that. And it was a full container. It can come out of your allowance because this is an important lesson to remember. You will also be cleaning it up though your sibling cleaned up most whilst crying. The things that were said to both me and your siblings were not exactly kind. I know you didn't mean half of them and some of them were probably half true, but the delivery needs work. On top of the natural consequences of life, where as you make a mess, even accidental, you are required to offer to pay for it and clean it up even if the other person let's you off the hook - you still offer, but besides those consequences, here is the deal- you used an object and just missed your sibling. You grabbed the closest thing in front of you. What if that would have been a hammer or a knife or some sort of weapon? In your haste you could have done something that you would forever regret. I know you. I know you have one of the sweetest hearts in the world but you need to learn regulation. There are people in the justice system or jails that do not deserve to be there. That did nothing out of malicious intent but out of lack of control. I know you would never suit a place like that- it would kill your soul. Part of my job is to teach you how to regulate enough to be able to avoid situations like that. Unfortunately, the world is full of small minded people with enough power to make your life a living hell. You need to keep your inner circle safe. I'm not saying this to scare you but because I think you are wise enough to realize that as you get older, you will need to be aware of your emotions and control if you can. I am not saying you have to stop melting down. I still meltdown. I am saying you have to learn safer ways or places of doing this."
He replied with sobs breathing of, "That makes sense I guess. I was soooo upset. I still am."
"I know honey. Some of that was my fault for not preparing you with the change of schedules. I am SOOOO proud of you for unlocking this door and letting me talk to you so soon after you were upset. This shows how your regulation is actually a source you can use. More than the physical, you also used the emotional and said things that maybe should not have been said. Hurtful borderline cruel things because of a change in schedule. I understand that this was more than a change in schedule to you. I understand this year has been so hard on your little soul and you are still processing...but we also, if we can manage to understand this much, have to understand or at least be aware of what words can do. Words can heal or hurt. It's ok to use them to wound sometimes. It's also ok to be human and make mistakes. Words sometimes will cause a change that is good even if they hurt at first. If you are in a meltdown, it is imperative that you listen to a trusted source to move into a bathroom or a private place of safety to finish melting down...or if you sense one coming, as you get older, you can maybe try to do this for yourself. Because of the hurtful things that were said and how you feel bad about yourself currently, I want you to write three letters to three different people. Anyone you wish with any subject you wish. They can be as short as two sentences. I would prefer them to be towards someone you think may need some encouragement or gratitude but if you can't think of that, even your siblings are fine. I will give you a full week to do this but I want you to see the power of your words when they are also used for good. I think it will make you feel good as well as others."
"The thing is sweetie that you have a writer's soul. You are not a bad person. You are not even fully in the wrong here. You basically just have a little bit to learn...as do we all. Heck, sometimes I respond completely wrong. My regulation after thirty plus years and 12 years of therapy still isn't up to speed at times! SO you are actually doing pretty good! But this is a situation, as not only your mom but your teacher, that I am required to somewhat address. And you know what I think? I think it is neither good nor bad but neutral. I think you have a writer's rebellious soul! Which means that you can be a great change maker or a creative thinker or a natural society challenger. Your words can end up making the world a better or easier place for someone out there. And also yourself. The first thing a writer changes is themselves. Writing is healing for those who have it as their gift. I have seen your lyrics- they are better than some I have heard on the radio and you are less than half the age of those writers. You can cut to the heart of the matter if you wish. So in this regard, I look at the words you just yelled at all of us upstairs, and I see a lot of creativity, some truth and a bit of exaggeration. Not in a bad way per se. Your exaggeration was true to your heightened experience at that time. It was your truth but you need to remember it may not be your audiences' truth. I was hurt. So were your siblings but we also know deep down that you didn't mean all of it or your delivery of it and we are ready to move on. Now, I have given way too much information for your developing brain to chew on so I will give you half an hour of quiet time before I require you to come finish cleaning up the yogourt...if it dries it will just require more water....see you in a bit and I love who you are."
Then I went to my room, took some stabilizing breaths and let a couple tears fall. I can not touch him even for a light hug, when he is in these moods. It would feel like an intrusion. He will hug me usually hours later. I have to wait for him but as a mom, sometimes that is hard.
I wish I could say the next day went a lot better because of our conversation. The rest of the day went well. He did remember aspects of our conversation. But it has been two weeks since that meltdown and though they have been less violent, we have had every day incidences since. However, I see that he is wearing winter socks, pants and sweaters in plus 25 Celsius heat. This tells me that he is in a OCD anxiety phase. Everything feels like a threat to him. He is on high alert. Most days I let the meltdowns take their course and carry on. I also sometimes ignore them when I am terribly tired. I am not mother of the year.
The other night I was wracking my brain trying to figure out what I was missing...I still felt like him and I were mis-communicating on some crucial level. Then I read
THIS and felt a shock at, "
I feel their frustration at being expected to conform to a standard of normality that is unattainable. I get that they are tired of trying to communicate and being unheard day in and day out over and over again. I know that it is soul destroying to be forced to comply with instructions you don’t understand the reason for or the actual steps that need to be taken in order to comply. See, the reason autistic kids are seen to be a problem is that they don’t comply. They can’t comply."
Oh my word!!! Was I being like all the people who have misunderstood me??? Was I suddenly akin to the teachers in this regard to my own child? Was I expecting a level of conformity that may be unattainable? Is he communicating and being unheard? AM I HEARING HIM? This made me pause for quite awhile and triggered a memory of a four part post I had read from Musings of an Aspie on Executive Functioning. I went straight to the article and read all four parts (
) Then I read it to him.
This is when we had the major breakthrough. I realized that the areas I mainly struggle in Executive Functioning are generally stronger areas for him like Memory, Planning, Organization and Attention. But the areas I am generally stronger in are weaker areas for him like Inhibition, Problem Solving, Cognitive Flexibility and Monitoring. Of course we will both struggle in all of them depending on how uncomfortable we are in a situation. At home, where we feel safest, we will have our strength areas.
For some reason, because he is so good at planning and organization I missed that their executive functioning was misfiring. I assumed he was just better in this area than I. Add the INTJ personality type into it, which is good at planning and organization but quite rigid in beliefs and thoughts even if it is a intellectual and researching brain mode, and we had a recipe for extreme inability for flexibility...especially at his age level. Finally, we found another layer to the issue. He understood most of the four parts of executive functioning and we had a great conversation about the material. A few days later he melted down at another change in plans but it was a small meltdown. I was able to actually say, "Look I'm sorry. Remember that EF article? Remember that my weaker areas are planning and organization? I am not going to be the stability you crave in schedules. I try because I am the adult and your mom and a teacher...but I'm also HUMAN. That means I will make mistakes that WILL affect you. I am sorry this affects you so much. It's an area I work on but it's also a disability which means that I will NEVER fully get it and should not be expected to. I will try where I can try and that's all I can promise you. You need to have grace for me and I need to have grace for you. I'm sorry. Also add my INFJ bohemian personality type and I WILL rub you wrong in this area at times, but I am also a good match for you if we can work together. We both have opposite areas of strength and weaknesses but we are also perspective taking personalities. This is where we both agree. We are future orientated and enjoy literature and wisdom. IF we focus on what we DO agree on and try to work with what we don't and allow for each other's disabilities, do you think we can find a way to navigate at least maybe two days a week in peace?"
My point is, that my childlike side that also can seem to the world like the "worst" part of Autism can actually be quite a gift. Sure, being subject to sensory overload can be painful at times, but it also opens my eyes and triggers my brain to the state of a child. Like the Solstice, there is dark before light, and there is a transition time. There is a moment when all that is needed is a shift. Yes, being clumsy from executive functioning issues has it's downsides, but it also forces me to stay humble...willing to take help where most 31 year old women do not need help. Not knowing left from right or not being able to wade through verbal instructions forces me to compensate creatively to get through the daily. It's not all sparkles and Christmas lights, but it has it's moments or CAN if I choose to see life that way. This is where hope comes in. Hope is found where BEING is. Hope is found in ACCEPTANCE and LOVE. It is found in the darkest of places where light is needed. Hope is an ending needed for another beginning.
Wishing you the beauty of sacred beginnings and necessary endings on this Winter's night with you..png)
