Update 2021: This was the last meltdown my child ever had...Years later, he is my most responsible, easiest child and sometimes I wonder if these stories were a dream...He put in the work and being at home was the best thing for him.
One of my children is particularly verbal. He has been since month nine of his existence. Sometimes because of this factor, he seems more able and wise beyond years at times. An old soul. But in life there is always a double side, and with this verbal prowess comes the tendency for people to assume he can handle more than he can at his age. Myself included sometimes.
They may sound old, but he has the same struggles I do, in varied ways. I try to remember that his pre frontal cortex is still developing at his age, so even if he sounds like a grown up, he may still struggle with accessing his reasoning side of their brain in a more grown up way. He thinks because his arguments sound good, that he must be mature...yet he is not old enough to constantly remember to put relationships BEFORE issues, with important people in their life.
His magnificent ability with words can both heal and wound. Unfortunately, because of age, meltdown mode, sensory issues, and OCD anxiety, he can sometimes be brutally raw and sometimes cruel. He can cut to the heart of the matter and see things in people they do not see in themselves. But the delivery does not have the maturity of restraint. He knows he owns partial truths but does not realize yet that there is always another aspect of the equation which is why after a meltdown we have a "therapy session", once calm, to promote growth in this area.
To date, this has been the toughest year of his young life. He may be a quicker processor in some things, but emotions take more sorting out. Chaos is not welcomed and creates distress in his brain. I understand this because it's my life story too. I am constantly applying understanding of my brain to his brain. However, even being an Autistic myself, and applying this knowledge, we end up mis communicating. He has had the toughest time with me this year. Partially because I am a safe source to act out against. A mother's love and all that.
Last week we had a breakthrough. It was after a yogourt container was thrown across the room when he was mad at a trivial change in plans, and it exploded all over the kitchen. The meltdown was beyond control at that point so there was screaming, hurtful words thrown all over anyone who was in the room, and finally a running down the stairs and slamming the door with the sound of the lock click as I followed quickly behind to make sure he was safe. The screaming probably disturbed the neighbours this time...For myself this is also very hard because screaming insults my sensory needs as an Autistic. A normal mom would be bothered but for myself, it triggers my crisis center and it takes all my self control not to meltdown myself. In the past, I will admit, that there have been about four times when I have started to simply cry or plug my ears and yell over the noise for him to go to a safe place to scream. Generally, I try to keep it together until after but my face flushes and my heart rate is high.
This time I was extremely distressed. I called my husband at work because often my son will not come out for hours and may spend them all screaming. My husband and sometimes mother are often the only ones who can cut this time down. I can't. Maybe because I understand and also partially because my mother and husband are NOT autistic so they come to the situation with another perspective. Sometimes I need to do damage control for some expectations of behaviour I know can not be met during meltdown that are expected from non autistic individuals. I have to mediate, but generally, because of my education, they understand him too and mostly are in tune with what he requires in these moments.
My husband was unavailable so I was on my own. I took a few deep breathes, stopped my teary eyes from thinking about the words that were spoken to my soul, and reminded myself that I was the adult with a bit more regulation. I knocked on the door and said loudly over his noise, "Once you feel more in control after melting down, you must unlock this door and once you get to a point of calm we need to talk." Later, I came back to a calmer guy. He surprised me by unlocking the door right away and running to the bed to put his head under the covers. This was a big step that I did not have to wait for my husband to force the lock. I sat down and said calmly, " I understand that you were triggered into meltdown. You were distressed about the small change in plans and I should have seen the signs that this would bother you more today. However, while I understand your behaviour, I also am unfortunately both your teacher and parent. Some behaviours you would be expected to learn at school are skipped at home. I need you to learn some regulation for not just others safety but for your own. I know you can understand what I am about to say but I want you to ask any questions if you do not. Here is the deal. In grown up life, our goal is to enable you to have a safe life the way you wish to live it. But in grown up life, if you are working and you break something, you have to offer to pay for it and clean it up. If you have a meltdown you need to get to yourself to a safe private place, allow yourself 15 minutes of unregulated emotion in that place, but then take responsibility if there was missed work or any damaging words said during your meltdown phase. One you can not help, the others you can."
At that point he said, "I know, I already thought to offer to pay for the yogourt." I replied with, "Good. I am proud of you for that. And it was a full container. It can come out of your allowance because this is an important lesson to remember. You will also be cleaning it up though your sibling cleaned up most whilst crying. The things that were said to both me and your siblings were not exactly kind. I know you didn't mean half of them and some of them were probably half true, but the delivery needs work. On top of the natural consequences of life, where as you make a mess, even accidental, you are required to offer to pay for it and clean it up even if the other person let's you off the hook - you still offer, but besides those consequences, here is the deal- you used an object and just missed your sibling. You grabbed the closest thing in front of you. What if that would have been a hammer or a knife or some sort of weapon? In your haste you could have done something that you would forever regret. I know you. I know you have one of the sweetest hearts in the world but you need to learn regulation. There are people in the justice system or jails that do not deserve to be there. That did nothing out of malicious intent but out of lack of control. I know you would never suit a place like that- it would kill your soul. Part of my job is to teach you how to regulate enough to be able to avoid situations like that. Unfortunately, the world is full of small minded people with enough power to make your life a living hell. You need to keep your inner circle safe. I'm not saying this to scare you but because I think you are wise enough to realize that as you get older, you will need to be aware of your emotions and control if you can. I am not saying you have to stop melting down. I still meltdown. I am saying you have to learn safer ways or places of doing this."
He replied with sobs breathing of, "That makes sense I guess. I was soooo upset. I still am."
"I know honey. Some of that was my fault for not preparing you with the change of schedules. I am SOOOO proud of you for unlocking this door and letting me talk to you so soon after you were upset. This shows how your regulation is actually a source you can use. More than the physical, you also used the emotional and said things that maybe should not have been said. Hurtful borderline cruel things because of a change in schedule. I understand that this was more than a change in schedule to you. I understand this year has been so hard on your little soul and you are still processing...but we also, if we can manage to understand this much, have to understand or at least be aware of what words can do. Words can heal or hurt. It's ok to use them to wound sometimes. It's also ok to be human and make mistakes. Words sometimes will cause a change that is good even if they hurt at first. If you are in a meltdown, it is imperative that you listen to a trusted source to move into a bathroom or a private place of safety to finish melting down...or if you sense one coming, as you get older, you can maybe try to do this for yourself. Because of the hurtful things that were said and how you feel bad about yourself currently, I want you to write three letters to three different people. Anyone you wish with any subject you wish. They can be as short as two sentences. I would prefer them to be towards someone you think may need some encouragement or gratitude but if you can't think of that, even your siblings are fine. I will give you a full week to do this but I want you to see the power of your words when they are also used for good. I think it will make you feel good as well as others."
"The thing is sweetie that you have a writer's soul. You are not a bad person. You are not even fully in the wrong here. You basically just have a little bit to learn...as do we all. Heck, sometimes I respond completely wrong. My regulation after thirty plus years and 12 years of therapy still isn't up to speed at times! SO you are actually doing pretty good! But this is a situation, as not only your mom but your teacher, that I am required to somewhat address. And you know what I think? I think it is neither good nor bad but neutral. I think you have a writer's rebellious soul! Which means that you can be a great change maker or a creative thinker or a natural society challenger. Your words can end up making the world a better or easier place for someone out there. And also yourself. The first thing a writer changes is themselves. Writing is healing for those who have it as their gift. I have seen your lyrics- they are better than some I have heard on the radio and you are less than half the age of those writers. You can cut to the heart of the matter if you wish. So in this regard, I look at the words you just yelled at all of us upstairs, and I see a lot of creativity, some truth and a bit of exaggeration. Not in a bad way per se. Your exaggeration was true to your heightened experience at that time. It was your truth but you need to remember it may not be your audiences' truth. I was hurt. So were your siblings but we also know deep down that you didn't mean all of it or your delivery of it and we are ready to move on. Now, I have given way too much information for your developing brain to chew on so I will give you half an hour of quiet time before I require you to come finish cleaning up the yogourt...if it dries it will just require more water....see you in a bit and I love who you are."
Then I went to my room, took some stabilizing breaths and let a couple tears fall. I can not touch him even for a light hug, when he is in these moods. It would feel like an intrusion. He will hug me usually hours later. I have to wait for him but as a mom, sometimes that is hard.
I wish I could say the next day went a lot better because of our conversation. The rest of the day went well. He did remember aspects of our conversation. But it has been two weeks since that meltdown and though they have been less violent, we have had every day incidences since. However, I see that he is wearing winter socks, pants and sweaters in plus 25 Celsius heat. This tells me that he is in a OCD anxiety phase. Everything feels like a threat to him. He is on high alert. Most days I let the meltdowns take their course and carry on. I also sometimes ignore them when I am terribly tired. I am not mother of the year.
The other night I was wracking my brain trying to figure out what I was missing...I still felt like him and I were mis-communicating on some crucial level. Then I read THIS and felt a shock at, " I feel their frustration at being expected to conform to a standard of normality that is unattainable. I get that they are tired of trying to communicate and being unheard day in and day out over and over again. I know that it is soul destroying to be forced to comply with instructions you don’t understand the reason for or the actual steps that need to be taken in order to comply. See, the reason autistic kids are seen to be a problem is that they don’t comply. They can’t comply."
Oh my word!!! Was I being like all the people who have misunderstood me??? Was I suddenly akin to the teachers in this regard to my own child? Was I expecting a level of conformity that may be unattainable? Is he communicating and being unheard? AM I HEARING HIM? This made me pause for quite awhile and triggered a memory of a four part post I had read from Musings of an Aspie on Executive Functioning. I went straight to the article and read all four parts ( FOUND HERE.) Then I read it to him.They may sound old, but he has the same struggles I do, in varied ways. I try to remember that his pre frontal cortex is still developing at his age, so even if he sounds like a grown up, he may still struggle with accessing his reasoning side of their brain in a more grown up way. He thinks because his arguments sound good, that he must be mature...yet he is not old enough to constantly remember to put relationships BEFORE issues, with important people in their life.
His magnificent ability with words can both heal and wound. Unfortunately, because of age, meltdown mode, sensory issues, and OCD anxiety, he can sometimes be brutally raw and sometimes cruel. He can cut to the heart of the matter and see things in people they do not see in themselves. But the delivery does not have the maturity of restraint. He knows he owns partial truths but does not realize yet that there is always another aspect of the equation which is why after a meltdown we have a "therapy session", once calm, to promote growth in this area.
To date, this has been the toughest year of his young life. He may be a quicker processor in some things, but emotions take more sorting out. Chaos is not welcomed and creates distress in his brain. I understand this because it's my life story too. I am constantly applying understanding of my brain to his brain. However, even being an Autistic myself, and applying this knowledge, we end up mis communicating. He has had the toughest time with me this year. Partially because I am a safe source to act out against. A mother's love and all that.
Last week we had a breakthrough. It was after a yogourt container was thrown across the room when he was mad at a trivial change in plans, and it exploded all over the kitchen. The meltdown was beyond control at that point so there was screaming, hurtful words thrown all over anyone who was in the room, and finally a running down the stairs and slamming the door with the sound of the lock click as I followed quickly behind to make sure he was safe. The screaming probably disturbed the neighbours this time...For myself this is also very hard because screaming insults my sensory needs as an Autistic. A normal mom would be bothered but for myself, it triggers my crisis center and it takes all my self control not to meltdown myself. In the past, I will admit, that there have been about four times when I have started to simply cry or plug my ears and yell over the noise for him to go to a safe place to scream. Generally, I try to keep it together until after but my face flushes and my heart rate is high.
This time I was extremely distressed. I called my husband at work because often my son will not come out for hours and may spend them all screaming. My husband and sometimes mother are often the only ones who can cut this time down. I can't. Maybe because I understand and also partially because my mother and husband are NOT autistic so they come to the situation with another perspective. Sometimes I need to do damage control for some expectations of behaviour I know can not be met during meltdown that are expected from non autistic individuals. I have to mediate, but generally, because of my education, they understand him too and mostly are in tune with what he requires in these moments.
My husband was unavailable so I was on my own. I took a few deep breathes, stopped my teary eyes from thinking about the words that were spoken to my soul, and reminded myself that I was the adult with a bit more regulation. I knocked on the door and said loudly over his noise, "Once you feel more in control after melting down, you must unlock this door and once you get to a point of calm we need to talk." Later, I came back to a calmer guy. He surprised me by unlocking the door right away and running to the bed to put his head under the covers. This was a big step that I did not have to wait for my husband to force the lock. I sat down and said calmly, " I understand that you were triggered into meltdown. You were distressed about the small change in plans and I should have seen the signs that this would bother you more today. However, while I understand your behaviour, I also am unfortunately both your teacher and parent. Some behaviours you would be expected to learn at school are skipped at home. I need you to learn some regulation for not just others safety but for your own. I know you can understand what I am about to say but I want you to ask any questions if you do not. Here is the deal. In grown up life, our goal is to enable you to have a safe life the way you wish to live it. But in grown up life, if you are working and you break something, you have to offer to pay for it and clean it up. If you have a meltdown you need to get to yourself to a safe private place, allow yourself 15 minutes of unregulated emotion in that place, but then take responsibility if there was missed work or any damaging words said during your meltdown phase. One you can not help, the others you can."
At that point he said, "I know, I already thought to offer to pay for the yogourt." I replied with, "Good. I am proud of you for that. And it was a full container. It can come out of your allowance because this is an important lesson to remember. You will also be cleaning it up though your sibling cleaned up most whilst crying. The things that were said to both me and your siblings were not exactly kind. I know you didn't mean half of them and some of them were probably half true, but the delivery needs work. On top of the natural consequences of life, where as you make a mess, even accidental, you are required to offer to pay for it and clean it up even if the other person let's you off the hook - you still offer, but besides those consequences, here is the deal- you used an object and just missed your sibling. You grabbed the closest thing in front of you. What if that would have been a hammer or a knife or some sort of weapon? In your haste you could have done something that you would forever regret. I know you. I know you have one of the sweetest hearts in the world but you need to learn regulation. There are people in the justice system or jails that do not deserve to be there. That did nothing out of malicious intent but out of lack of control. I know you would never suit a place like that- it would kill your soul. Part of my job is to teach you how to regulate enough to be able to avoid situations like that. Unfortunately, the world is full of small minded people with enough power to make your life a living hell. You need to keep your inner circle safe. I'm not saying this to scare you but because I think you are wise enough to realize that as you get older, you will need to be aware of your emotions and control if you can. I am not saying you have to stop melting down. I still meltdown. I am saying you have to learn safer ways or places of doing this."
He replied with sobs breathing of, "That makes sense I guess. I was soooo upset. I still am."
"I know honey. Some of that was my fault for not preparing you with the change of schedules. I am SOOOO proud of you for unlocking this door and letting me talk to you so soon after you were upset. This shows how your regulation is actually a source you can use. More than the physical, you also used the emotional and said things that maybe should not have been said. Hurtful borderline cruel things because of a change in schedule. I understand that this was more than a change in schedule to you. I understand this year has been so hard on your little soul and you are still processing...but we also, if we can manage to understand this much, have to understand or at least be aware of what words can do. Words can heal or hurt. It's ok to use them to wound sometimes. It's also ok to be human and make mistakes. Words sometimes will cause a change that is good even if they hurt at first. If you are in a meltdown, it is imperative that you listen to a trusted source to move into a bathroom or a private place of safety to finish melting down...or if you sense one coming, as you get older, you can maybe try to do this for yourself. Because of the hurtful things that were said and how you feel bad about yourself currently, I want you to write three letters to three different people. Anyone you wish with any subject you wish. They can be as short as two sentences. I would prefer them to be towards someone you think may need some encouragement or gratitude but if you can't think of that, even your siblings are fine. I will give you a full week to do this but I want you to see the power of your words when they are also used for good. I think it will make you feel good as well as others."
"The thing is sweetie that you have a writer's soul. You are not a bad person. You are not even fully in the wrong here. You basically just have a little bit to learn...as do we all. Heck, sometimes I respond completely wrong. My regulation after thirty plus years and 12 years of therapy still isn't up to speed at times! SO you are actually doing pretty good! But this is a situation, as not only your mom but your teacher, that I am required to somewhat address. And you know what I think? I think it is neither good nor bad but neutral. I think you have a writer's rebellious soul! Which means that you can be a great change maker or a creative thinker or a natural society challenger. Your words can end up making the world a better or easier place for someone out there. And also yourself. The first thing a writer changes is themselves. Writing is healing for those who have it as their gift. I have seen your lyrics- they are better than some I have heard on the radio and you are less than half the age of those writers. You can cut to the heart of the matter if you wish. So in this regard, I look at the words you just yelled at all of us upstairs, and I see a lot of creativity, some truth and a bit of exaggeration. Not in a bad way per se. Your exaggeration was true to your heightened experience at that time. It was your truth but you need to remember it may not be your audiences' truth. I was hurt. So were your siblings but we also know deep down that you didn't mean all of it or your delivery of it and we are ready to move on. Now, I have given way too much information for your developing brain to chew on so I will give you half an hour of quiet time before I require you to come finish cleaning up the yogourt...if it dries it will just require more water....see you in a bit and I love who you are."
Then I went to my room, took some stabilizing breaths and let a couple tears fall. I can not touch him even for a light hug, when he is in these moods. It would feel like an intrusion. He will hug me usually hours later. I have to wait for him but as a mom, sometimes that is hard.
I wish I could say the next day went a lot better because of our conversation. The rest of the day went well. He did remember aspects of our conversation. But it has been two weeks since that meltdown and though they have been less violent, we have had every day incidences since. However, I see that he is wearing winter socks, pants and sweaters in plus 25 Celsius heat. This tells me that he is in a OCD anxiety phase. Everything feels like a threat to him. He is on high alert. Most days I let the meltdowns take their course and carry on. I also sometimes ignore them when I am terribly tired. I am not mother of the year.
The other night I was wracking my brain trying to figure out what I was missing...I still felt like him and I were mis-communicating on some crucial level. Then I read THIS and felt a shock at, " I feel their frustration at being expected to conform to a standard of normality that is unattainable. I get that they are tired of trying to communicate and being unheard day in and day out over and over again. I know that it is soul destroying to be forced to comply with instructions you don’t understand the reason for or the actual steps that need to be taken in order to comply. See, the reason autistic kids are seen to be a problem is that they don’t comply. They can’t comply."
This is when we had the major breakthrough. I realized that the areas I mainly struggle in Executive Functioning are generally stronger areas for him like Memory, Planning, Organization and Attention. But the areas I am generally stronger in are weaker areas for him like Inhibition, Problem Solving, Cognitive Flexibility and Monitoring. Of course we will both struggle in all of them depending on how uncomfortable we are in a situation. At home, where we feel safest, we will have our strength areas.
For some reason, because he is so good at planning and organization I missed that their executive functioning was misfiring. I assumed he was just better in this area than I. Add the INTJ personality type into it, which is good at planning and organization but quite rigid in beliefs and thoughts even if it is a intellectual and researching brain mode, and we had a recipe for extreme inability for flexibility...especially at his age level. Finally, we found another layer to the issue. He understood most of the four parts of executive functioning and we had a great conversation about the material. A few days later he melted down at another change in plans but it was a small meltdown. I was able to actually say, "Look I'm sorry. Remember that EF article? Remember that my weaker areas are planning and organization? I am not going to be the stability you crave in schedules. I try because I am the adult and your mom and a teacher...but I'm also HUMAN. That means I will make mistakes that WILL affect you. I am sorry this affects you so much. It's an area I work on but it's also a disability which means that I will NEVER fully get it and should not be expected to. I will try where I can try and that's all I can promise you. You need to have grace for me and I need to have grace for you. I'm sorry. Also add my INFJ bohemian personality type and I WILL rub you wrong in this area at times, but I am also a good match for you if we can work together. We both have opposite areas of strength and weaknesses but we are also perspective taking personalities. This is where we both agree. We are future orientated and enjoy literature and wisdom. IF we focus on what we DO agree on and try to work with what we don't and allow for each other's disabilities, do you think we can find a way to navigate at least maybe two days a week in peace?"
Being an Autistic parent to an Autistic child or children in my case, though there are massive differences in gender, personality ect., can be both easier because of understanding and tougher because of the same understanding. I think in general it gives me an advantage with my children, but there are times when, if I am in sensory overload or EF fail myself, that it requires even more for me than I can sometimes give. Every night I go to bed thinking of how I can do better or where I went wrong. I am learning to let this go and remind myself the same thoughts that I told my son...I am HUMAN. I am not Wonder Woman, no matter how much I desire to be so. I am not and should not expect levels of perfection from myself or from anyone else. It starts inside. It starts with my willingness to accept my own disabilities and flaws and normal human frailties....and then I can go on to celebrate my strengths, my beautiful messiness and my gorgeous quirky moments. This is always what I end up going to sleep with. Then I wake up and try all over again.
Oh and here are the beautiful notes we ended up with that he brought up without any help. He is behind on the actual physical act of writing on paper (dysgraphia) but typing on the computer he can sound like an adult with their Lyrics which unfortunately I am not allowed to share but here are the notes. He picked three adults that had a tough year too. Auntie D has stage 4 cancer- she wept when my mother sent her a picture of the card and said " Mom told me to look at my iPad cause I haven't been on.. brucie and I are weeping! You tell auntie Donna is fighting hard and that is is the most beautiful card I ever got in my life! And tell him it has lifted my heart and soul to the heavens 💝💖💞🌹💕❤️💜🌺Tell all 3 how very much I love them". I told him to enjoy the beauty the words created in another person. Grampy just lost his wife last year. Nanna's sister and mother got diagnosed with cancer. He came up with thinking of each of them. I also did not correct any spelling or grammar mistakes because this was about heart this time and he wished to be alone to write without any guidance.:
Above: "Dear Nanna; Thank you for buying us groceries and letting us sleep over at your house. You are the best Nana I could ask for. I hope you are doing Ok. Love "
"Dear Auntie Donna: I love you Auntie Donna. You're such a fighter. I hope I become just as much of a fighter when I grow up. You are such a good example to be strong. Love ."
"Dear Grampy: I love you Grampy. You are such a brave and strong person. Especially considering the last year. I love the suppers we have shared through the last months and the board games we play. I love you Grampy and I hope the next few years are easier. Love ."
I was misty eyed reading them. This child, like all children, is so complex, layered and beautiful. I am honoured to help guide when I can and witness what I am here to witness.
Through out life, those with differing brain wiring or genetic composition, have to assimilate for the majority. Some issues simply need more awareness, preparedness and understanding. Take meltdowns...
I have been accused as manipulative, bossy, controlling or harshly grumpy when I was simply in the throes of a genuine meltdown and doing quite well considering. I also can come across quite witchy when overwhelmed. The following link impressively covered every kind of meltdown and the reasoning behind the brain’s reactions without boxing anyone up.
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" He is 12 now, and is pretty good at dealing with surprises, and typically is more flexible than I am at handling routine changes.I must note, I was brought up in a chaotic environment where no consideration to my need for sameness was ever given. Any upset that I may have expressed over wanting something to be the same, and planned out was viewed by my parents as manipulation, and they would purposely withhold whatever it was I was requesting to show me I 'wasn't the boss'. I cannot explain how much damage this did to me anxiety wise. Please, don't do this."
***
Birth order also plays a part as well as gender. There are MANY factors that play into all of this. I also could write another post about being a Dyspraxic parent to a Dyspraxic child which is a whole other ballgame. I find it something I can handle on most days, oddly, because Dyspraxia is actually more of struggle for me in the day to day disabilities. It is also probably because our dyspraxic child is a marshmallow of kindness, so it may be easier for me to help out? (Another post for another time.) I also want to state I adore ALL my children. I like parenting most days and unschooling for the most part. But sometimes it gets to be a little much. I DO have autistic traits and I DO struggle in varied ways...and I hope this can help in some way...And yes those dark circles have three layers of make up and are still showing...
How I deal with My Meltdowns Of Self and my Child:
When my hubby didn't answer my phone calls at first, when my son was melting down, I ended up ranting a text message to Hubby about single parenting most of the year and how I am literally going to break into pieces of a fragmented self. Yes, he tends to chuckle at these texts with me in hindsight later but at the time I am very serious about quitting my entire life and becoming an Ostrich. Apparently, I am funny when I am distressed. Part of it is a coping mechanism. But yes, you heard right, I said an Ostrich. I will often picture myself as an Ostrich, imagining the joyous bliss of burying my head in warm, enveloping sand. Writing it out, I realize it's actually not that comforting of an image. Things I hold on to for years can seem different when I write them out, and suddenly I am realizing that this being an Ostrich is actually not appealing at all. I didn't think the Ostrich theory through... Ok, the feelings I had when thinking of being an Ostrich are probably similar to picturing oneself in a cocoon of quick safety, able to escape the world at large with a quick action. I've got it! A HOBBIT! It's not an animal but it's not exactly human either. Yes, that is way better. I will picture myself a Hobbit, shutting myself into my Hobbit hole and bolting the bright yellow door, sitting by the fire and eating bits of yummy cheese, fruit and meat while sipping on comforting tea. That feeling right there is what I felt also when I was an Ostrich. That borrowing under ground sort of thing which a Hobbit does nicely at conveying.
I quickly rubbed my eyes, took a few deep breathes and did what I do when I am not safe enough to meltdown in places- I go into trauma emergency mode. I shut off. I shut down. I tell myself that I will process and feel the emotions later but that my child requires my unemotional attention. This means that later I am going to be a mess, but for the time being I am the perfect little robot. I can pretend to be in good humour, I can smile even though it doesn't reach my soul, and most importantly, I can get through the motions. Once I put on this pretend body armour of metal technology on, I walk into the room and press parent mode on my inner psyche.
Next, I monologue. Monologuing is an important part of this equation because when I monologue I am in writing mode. My children know not to interrupt mommy when she is writing or monologuing. If I am going to be harsher, it will be when I am interrupted in these two activities. Why? Because I am in FLOW, I am getting words and thoughts out that I normally have trouble expressing. The words that get stuck for days, that I know I am feeling but can't fully explain until the computer is in front of me, or I am in a verbal monologue flow triggered by some great insight, are suddenly there and I need to get them out.
This monologue ish way of mine serves me well in crisis situations with my children when I am expected to have a game plan. I have NO IDEA what the game plan is going into a situation. I did not know I was going to give my son three letters to write until I was halfway through my monologue about the situation. It's kind of like the Internet. I am talking but I am accessing all the stored information in my brain pertinent to the situation. In this case it was parenting books I had read, triggers from posts about autism, stuff I have written, and general movies I have emulated that all came together to focus me on what I wished to convey. I am often proud of myself after these moments because I DO tend to randomly parent effectively.
Unfortunately, this isn't always the case. If I get interrupted or if I'm over tired or sick, I can't monologue. Which means, I will not be effective at communicating what needs to happen... Sometimes my children will literally be dealt with a FULL WEEK after an incident. Once I have processed effectively, come up with a plan and maybe been triggered into thinking about the incident again, I will seemingly out of nowhere suddenly "deal" with the situation. This causes some confusion though they say they are used to mommy's random musings, lectures, and out of the moment game plans. There is usually a collective "Uh Oh" when I utter the words, "Here is the deal..."
Yesterday there was another incident. I ended up actually sliding my child across the floor in their slippery socks, by force to my mother's room. I was lucky we were there and also that the floor was slick hardwood because my child is WAY stronger than me. I was DONE. I had done a favour for said child, and they were mad because I brought a book, just in case they wanted to read, from our house while they were being looked after. The book was thrown across the floor with, "I told you NOT to bring my book. I told you I am not going to read. Now I am not going to read that book EVER again. You are a horrible parent. You don't listen..." rant, rant, rant. I was tired. I was on my way out the door to spend the day with my husband and ENFJ child in another city. So, after squelching my great urge to smack the child- which I NEVER do by the way, but I have to be honest and say that the thought does seem tempting at times, I firmly said, "Ok let's go talk to Nanna. I can't handle this today." To which the child fought me so I dragged them by their sleeves across the floor to the room because my mother was not responding to my calls. Yup, not my best moment. The child was not hurt and in another circumstance they probably would have had fun sliding across the floor in socked feet.
My mother mediated right away and immediately my child stopped physically fighting me, but the defiance was a whole other matter. She explained that they were not the boss. Something I am uncomfortable with as I don't like being the boss or pulling any authority cards in general. I am a guide as a parent but I like to give my children freedom and equality whenever I can. Probably why my child thinks they do run the house...downsides and benefits to everything I suppose. SO I cringed at that statement but let her go on. The child interrupted with, "I said NO to her before. I said NO. She should have listened. It is MY book and MY brain and I don't want to read." To which my mother replied, "Sometimes parents get to choose activities for you that they know you will benefit from. I asked your mother to go home and get the book for you to have just in case. She went out of her way to grab it and it's simply an option. You should tell her thank you and let her go. You also need to say sorry for what you have said to her..." The discussion went on for ten minutes and blatant refusals to say sorry. I ended up leaving because I was fighting back tears and the child was clearly not in a mood to communicate. I left them in my mother's capable hands, muttered the obligatory leaving the house to go on the road, 'I love you,' and left.
My mom's texting conversation lasted the first ten minutes of the drive, and then my ENFJ child and husband had to hear my monologue for the last 45 minutes. That is how long I took to begin to "normalize" and not be in a heightened state of emotion. An HOUR. Even then, it takes all my self control to stuff it when my other child says, "Ok mom. It's time to move on. He is not here. Let's enjoy our day and you can think about it later." Point taken.
Here is a snippet of my mother's texts:
Her support helped the situation but I needed more processing time. That night, after a long day, he came up the stairs and apologized for being unkind. Then he started arguing with me again about why he was right and I smiled and said, "Let's just drop it for now. I'm sure you have points but that would defeat the moment of peace right now. I actually was just bringing it as an option and not requiring you to read it but for you it's about the fact that I dared to bring it out of the house at all. It's bed time kiddo. I love you and you are special."
And then I stayed up till four in the morning stressing about life. You think I'd just take the apology and sleep peacefully but NOPE. I don't know how to be a mom anymore to one of my children. Sometimes I don't even know how to be a person. Actually, generally I feel I don't know how to person properly. I can't sleep or eat right, talk appropriately or posture correctly nor do I express normally or act accordingly or normalize to the masses. Some days I celebrate this alien status. At nights I tend to torture myself with them. But really, I know when I feel empty that I'm fighting burn out, sleep depravity or depression ... and I fight every day for perspective that I think I'm good at and also gratitude but that doesn't change the fact that on some days or nights ... I don't know how to be a person ...
I have been accused as manipulative, bossy, controlling or harshly grumpy when I was simply in the throes of a genuine meltdown and doing quite well considering. I also can come across quite witchy when overwhelmed. The following link impressively covered every kind of meltdown and the reasoning behind the brain’s reactions without boxing anyone up.
He bawls his eyes out often thinking he is a mean person…when he is the nicest, truest, purest heart I know…he just has lots of meltdowns and is still learning about himself. This link is VERY important to read for engaging with anyone who is Neurodiverse. Meltdowns tend to happen with differing genetic conditions and different brain wiring too:
Highlights taken from the above link at inneraspie:
"I can list a few different general types, and triggers so that you might be able to gather some info from here to possibly compare to your own situation. One thing that I heard once from a behavior specialist is that a meltdown is like a seizure in that you cannot stop one once it's started. You can make one worse, and you can prolong it's effects, but once the brain has reached that tipping point it is over. You can't unspill the overload, which is is to me what a meltdown is. It is an acute reaction to too much happening all at once, in which the brain has no way to cope, or contain. The excess must go somewhere. From what I can gather there are three main categories of meltdowns. Sensory, Executive functioning mishaps, and Emotional."
***
"Sensory: This is probably the most common. A meltdown caused by too much sensory input can be sudden, and out of no where, or look like a pot slowly about to boil over. A noise that barely bothered the person last week suddenly seems to push them over the edge this week leaving everyone confused, at best, and accusatory (as in viewing the autistic person as if their reaction is geared towards manipulation) at worst. "***
"There's so many factors that play into this type of overload that it is hard to even catch it all here in this paragraph. There are some noises, and sensations that always overload some of us, and there are some that we can tolerate if we are having a good day. There are some that we can tolerate for awhile on a good day, and some we can tolerate alone, but not mixed in combination of other sensations. Sleep, hunger levels, and something as simple as one tiny routine change, or confusing social encounter that day may all lead up to usually tolerable sensory experience being intolerable...The autistic person needs to trust that you will keep them safe, and that includes their sensory system."***
" He is 12 now, and is pretty good at dealing with surprises, and typically is more flexible than I am at handling routine changes.I must note, I was brought up in a chaotic environment where no consideration to my need for sameness was ever given. Any upset that I may have expressed over wanting something to be the same, and planned out was viewed by my parents as manipulation, and they would purposely withhold whatever it was I was requesting to show me I 'wasn't the boss'. I cannot explain how much damage this did to me anxiety wise. Please, don't do this."
***
"If you are with an autistic person when their routine suddenly changes be calm. Don't try to explain to us how we're being unreasonable if we begin to get upset. Calmly, and kindly let us know what our options are. How can we proceed? We need to know that, and sometimes need a minute to process it all. Try to warn us of any changes way ahead of time. Respect that it is hard for us to process change at last minute."
***
"Also, please be as consistent as you can..... Odd as it sounds, too much happy can also cause meltdown, too. It is an emotion after all, and too much of it at once can be too overwhelming for us at to process. I find this kind of positive overload to trigger a meltdown that occurs after the event that made the autistic person so elated, happy, or joyful."
***
I also have another child who is autistic but they are pretty much a mellower version of me. They also have a natural ENFJ Mother Teresa sort of personality so they end up being probably the more stable presence in the household on most days. They also fall through the cracks sometimes because they are the most balanced. My point in mentioning this is to show that each situation is unique and sometimes parenting an Autistic child is easier, depending on all the varied factors. The ENFJ struggles are more involved in severe anxiety issues and feeling a general sense of "nerdy quirkiness" in the outer world, but they feel completely comfortable at home, with me, which makes life at home infinitely easier.
Birth order also plays a part as well as gender. There are MANY factors that play into all of this. I also could write another post about being a Dyspraxic parent to a Dyspraxic child which is a whole other ballgame. I find it something I can handle on most days, oddly, because Dyspraxia is actually more of struggle for me in the day to day disabilities. It is also probably because our dyspraxic child is a marshmallow of kindness, so it may be easier for me to help out? (Another post for another time.) I also want to state I adore ALL my children. I like parenting most days and unschooling for the most part. But sometimes it gets to be a little much. I DO have autistic traits and I DO struggle in varied ways...and I hope this can help in some way...And yes those dark circles have three layers of make up and are still showing...
When my hubby didn't answer my phone calls at first, when my son was melting down, I ended up ranting a text message to Hubby about single parenting most of the year and how I am literally going to break into pieces of a fragmented self. Yes, he tends to chuckle at these texts with me in hindsight later but at the time I am very serious about quitting my entire life and becoming an Ostrich. Apparently, I am funny when I am distressed. Part of it is a coping mechanism. But yes, you heard right, I said an Ostrich. I will often picture myself as an Ostrich, imagining the joyous bliss of burying my head in warm, enveloping sand. Writing it out, I realize it's actually not that comforting of an image. Things I hold on to for years can seem different when I write them out, and suddenly I am realizing that this being an Ostrich is actually not appealing at all. I didn't think the Ostrich theory through... Ok, the feelings I had when thinking of being an Ostrich are probably similar to picturing oneself in a cocoon of quick safety, able to escape the world at large with a quick action. I've got it! A HOBBIT! It's not an animal but it's not exactly human either. Yes, that is way better. I will picture myself a Hobbit, shutting myself into my Hobbit hole and bolting the bright yellow door, sitting by the fire and eating bits of yummy cheese, fruit and meat while sipping on comforting tea. That feeling right there is what I felt also when I was an Ostrich. That borrowing under ground sort of thing which a Hobbit does nicely at conveying.
I quickly rubbed my eyes, took a few deep breathes and did what I do when I am not safe enough to meltdown in places- I go into trauma emergency mode. I shut off. I shut down. I tell myself that I will process and feel the emotions later but that my child requires my unemotional attention. This means that later I am going to be a mess, but for the time being I am the perfect little robot. I can pretend to be in good humour, I can smile even though it doesn't reach my soul, and most importantly, I can get through the motions. Once I put on this pretend body armour of metal technology on, I walk into the room and press parent mode on my inner psyche.
Next, I monologue. Monologuing is an important part of this equation because when I monologue I am in writing mode. My children know not to interrupt mommy when she is writing or monologuing. If I am going to be harsher, it will be when I am interrupted in these two activities. Why? Because I am in FLOW, I am getting words and thoughts out that I normally have trouble expressing. The words that get stuck for days, that I know I am feeling but can't fully explain until the computer is in front of me, or I am in a verbal monologue flow triggered by some great insight, are suddenly there and I need to get them out.
This monologue ish way of mine serves me well in crisis situations with my children when I am expected to have a game plan. I have NO IDEA what the game plan is going into a situation. I did not know I was going to give my son three letters to write until I was halfway through my monologue about the situation. It's kind of like the Internet. I am talking but I am accessing all the stored information in my brain pertinent to the situation. In this case it was parenting books I had read, triggers from posts about autism, stuff I have written, and general movies I have emulated that all came together to focus me on what I wished to convey. I am often proud of myself after these moments because I DO tend to randomly parent effectively.
Unfortunately, this isn't always the case. If I get interrupted or if I'm over tired or sick, I can't monologue. Which means, I will not be effective at communicating what needs to happen... Sometimes my children will literally be dealt with a FULL WEEK after an incident. Once I have processed effectively, come up with a plan and maybe been triggered into thinking about the incident again, I will seemingly out of nowhere suddenly "deal" with the situation. This causes some confusion though they say they are used to mommy's random musings, lectures, and out of the moment game plans. There is usually a collective "Uh Oh" when I utter the words, "Here is the deal..."
Yesterday there was another incident. I ended up actually sliding my child across the floor in their slippery socks, by force to my mother's room. I was lucky we were there and also that the floor was slick hardwood because my child is WAY stronger than me. I was DONE. I had done a favour for said child, and they were mad because I brought a book, just in case they wanted to read, from our house while they were being looked after. The book was thrown across the floor with, "I told you NOT to bring my book. I told you I am not going to read. Now I am not going to read that book EVER again. You are a horrible parent. You don't listen..." rant, rant, rant. I was tired. I was on my way out the door to spend the day with my husband and ENFJ child in another city. So, after squelching my great urge to smack the child- which I NEVER do by the way, but I have to be honest and say that the thought does seem tempting at times, I firmly said, "Ok let's go talk to Nanna. I can't handle this today." To which the child fought me so I dragged them by their sleeves across the floor to the room because my mother was not responding to my calls. Yup, not my best moment. The child was not hurt and in another circumstance they probably would have had fun sliding across the floor in socked feet.
My mother mediated right away and immediately my child stopped physically fighting me, but the defiance was a whole other matter. She explained that they were not the boss. Something I am uncomfortable with as I don't like being the boss or pulling any authority cards in general. I am a guide as a parent but I like to give my children freedom and equality whenever I can. Probably why my child thinks they do run the house...downsides and benefits to everything I suppose. SO I cringed at that statement but let her go on. The child interrupted with, "I said NO to her before. I said NO. She should have listened. It is MY book and MY brain and I don't want to read." To which my mother replied, "Sometimes parents get to choose activities for you that they know you will benefit from. I asked your mother to go home and get the book for you to have just in case. She went out of her way to grab it and it's simply an option. You should tell her thank you and let her go. You also need to say sorry for what you have said to her..." The discussion went on for ten minutes and blatant refusals to say sorry. I ended up leaving because I was fighting back tears and the child was clearly not in a mood to communicate. I left them in my mother's capable hands, muttered the obligatory leaving the house to go on the road, 'I love you,' and left.
My mom's texting conversation lasted the first ten minutes of the drive, and then my ENFJ child and husband had to hear my monologue for the last 45 minutes. That is how long I took to begin to "normalize" and not be in a heightened state of emotion. An HOUR. Even then, it takes all my self control to stuff it when my other child says, "Ok mom. It's time to move on. He is not here. Let's enjoy our day and you can think about it later." Point taken.
Here is a snippet of my mother's texts:
Me: I've fantasized about boarding school so much lately. He breaks down to me every day. Every day since January.
Mom/ S:
You've had good days too. Remember when it's hard that you are seeing things through your autistic eyes and it seems it's always hard.Those are the times when you forget all the positive and good.Boarding school would break him. He is ok with you too.This will pass and you will get through it. However, it is also why you need breaks sometimes. Those times can even be Hubby taking the time when he's home to be with and talk to him about growing up, respecting mom and women in general, respecting those in authority, etc. all while spending time doing something with him. Sometimes with the other kids but sometimes one on one.. at a difficult age, starting to become a grown up yet still a child. Changes in body, emotions, etc. Those all affect more because of the autism. You will get through this. You can do this. And you are doing this. Sometimes you may not always respond in the best way but overall, you're doing it with grace and beauty. You have a lot of that, you just forget sometimes when you're overwhelmed.
Remember, you are a great mom, you're doing a good job and you're entitled to times of frustration and breaks away. You need that. All of us moms have times when we wish we had responded differently or we wish we could take back some words we allowed to escape but the good thing is that we are human. We recognize that we don't always have all the answers but we plod on doing the best we can. With you, the best you can is a pretty darn good job. So take a deep breath, enjoy your time away knowing he is safe, you can relax and you don't even have to think about the issues that arise. You just have you time. What I meant to say was the good thing is our kids are pretty forgiving, they're not as fragile as we think and it doesn't hurt them to have time away. It also doesn't hurt them to see how their words and actions can hurt and frustrate their parents and others as well. That's how they learn."Her support helped the situation but I needed more processing time. That night, after a long day, he came up the stairs and apologized for being unkind. Then he started arguing with me again about why he was right and I smiled and said, "Let's just drop it for now. I'm sure you have points but that would defeat the moment of peace right now. I actually was just bringing it as an option and not requiring you to read it but for you it's about the fact that I dared to bring it out of the house at all. It's bed time kiddo. I love you and you are special."
And then I stayed up till four in the morning stressing about life. You think I'd just take the apology and sleep peacefully but NOPE. I don't know how to be a mom anymore to one of my children. Sometimes I don't even know how to be a person. Actually, generally I feel I don't know how to person properly. I can't sleep or eat right, talk appropriately or posture correctly nor do I express normally or act accordingly or normalize to the masses. Some days I celebrate this alien status. At nights I tend to torture myself with them. But really, I know when I feel empty that I'm fighting burn out, sleep depravity or depression ... and I fight every day for perspective that I think I'm good at and also gratitude but that doesn't change the fact that on some days or nights ... I don't know how to be a person ...
2021 UPDATE: I ended this post with more questions then answers. That was my son's last major meltdown with the yugort container, and while he had many more mini ones, and still has a few little meltdowns, he is the easiest teenager EVER. He is polite, kind, empathetic, generous, responsible and is the first to offer to do extra chores or get his school work done. He is conscientious of his words and even when he is upset, he knows when he needs alone time or to take a step back. At the time of writing this, I did not know if how I parented was working but it clearly did. I am glad I put in the work of understanding and firm boundaries with love. I am also honoured to have a son such as him. He taught me so much. His growth has been beautiful to witness.
*To see more thoughts on Autism/ Aspieness click on the Autism/Asperger's label below or Sensory posts ( I have written about the process of sensory overload in my Halloween and Thanksgiving posts:http://worldwecreate.blogspot.ca/2015/11/explaining-sensory-sickness-and.html http://worldwecreate.blogspot.ca/2015/10/sensory-overload-on-holidays-like.html)
Also a reminder. AUTISM DOES NOT CAUSE VIOLENCE. Read this for more: http://worldwecreate.blogspot.ca/2014/05/aspergers-autism-is-neurological-way-of.html
Song Choice: James Morrison- I won't let You Go ( On a personal note I watch this video every time I am depressed and see myself lying on the road with those I know love me and it brings so much comfort; https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sgRb_lfIZ6A)
Love Hurts- James Morrison
I also wrote a follow up post to this HERE: http://worldwecreate.blogspot.ca/2017/06/part2-behind-scenes-story-of-being.html
Love Hurts- James Morrison
I also wrote a follow up post to this HERE: http://worldwecreate.blogspot.ca/2017/06/part2-behind-scenes-story-of-being.html
6 comments:
HUGE thanks, as always. I particularly appreciate the categories; unfortunately, I think I fall into all three ...hhahahhahahahaaa.
Not funny.
;)
Love,
HUGE thanks, as always. I particularly appreciate the categories; unfortunately, I think I fall into all three ...hhahahhahahahaaa.
Not funny.
;)
Love,
:) I think I prob fall into all three sometimes too. My children def do...but sensory is the worst trigger for all of us I think in general:)
Meltdowns are tough and exhausting...esp for the person who is doing the meltdown because we are sort of aware what is happening but we can't stop it. Sigh. Yea the link was amazing! I need to read it again! I sent it to all the family that deals with my kids...because if I don't advocate for understanding who will in regards to them?:) I am constantly advocating and its really tiring and takes me out of my comfort zone but I believe it will make the world more understanding for the future...and we need to hear the actual perspectives of Autistics more often because we are up against ableism and prejudice...even from the professionals who are trying to help. Its a fine line to walk at times...and I DO appreciate the professionals at least trying but some of the info out there is still misleading and incredibly degrading and ableist...Anyway, tangent...thanks for commentating!
It's my pleasure. I love you blog especially because it shows the thoughts of a bighearted Mama!
I think it's great that at least now we can begin to kow what is going on. I never understood why i would feel as i did and lose it...
!!!!
Now, for a world with no triggers and safe places to REST.
May I link to this post please Kmarie?
Of course:) Link away:)
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