*Contextual Note: I believe personality attributes can be boxes to jump out of in growth and awareness. Like anything, they can be used as powerful tools or weapons. They can reach toward beauty or destruction. The danger I see especially in these models, is not being "put in a box", but being tested wrong, then taking 'truths' that do not resonate as TRUE or taking a sentence that may not be accurate (even if much of it is) and dissecting it or applying it when it actually is not relevant. That can be destructive. However, I have seen so much merit in people discovering themselves. 90 percent of the time, I have witnessed those who have engaged with their accurate personality (be it MBTI, the Big Five, Enneagram, Birth Charts etc) become much muchier, and be better counterparts to the natural world they engage in. I have watched marriages flourish when they engage with the material honestly and with a drive to BE. I have seen children feel understood. I have watched people who were living embittered overcome their personal obstacles slowly to live richer lives. So, as much as there are dangers or those who believe it is also pseudo science (if it enhances life- does that matter?), with a guide whom cares about inner wisdom and intuition, these modes of understanding are worth the risk.*
*I have written about Beatrice Chestnut's (LINK) and Christopher Huertz (LINK) take on Four Enneagrams HERE and HERE . This post is based on Richard Rohr and Andreas Ebert's book, "The Enneagram; A Christian Perspective " (LINK). I feel it's also important to point out that just because I talk about a book, or even agree with many aspects, does not mean I endorse all the content. There can be many points I gently set aside. This is a Christian book and there is especially one part describing Autism in the Type Five section that deeply misses the mark. (The character in 'Rainman' was a Savant and had traits of Neuroticism which can be co conditions but are not hallmarks of Autism within themselves.) That said, I still found large parts that applied to my Type FOUR which are worth digesting. I recommend the book, even though there are large parts on Saints or Biblical verses that may not be familiar to many people, because chapters that applied to my family were quite enlightening and mostly accurate. I feel this book can open doors for people of all religions and beliefs despite the believers content. Isn't that what we all should do for each other anyway? We can state our truths and enhance our friendships, with both challenge and freedom of choice, while still respecting the differences. I feel we can read books and recommend them without having to be 100 percent in agreement or even finding a lot to disagree with! In this post I am focusing on the few paragraphs (~) that especially resonated in my soul, but there is so much more in the FOUR chapter to read, and the book so I still recommend going to the source. * (Yes, I am leaning heavily into my FIVE wing for these two explanatory 'disclaimers':)
When I read Beatrice Chestnut's lengthy chapter on Fours a couple years ago, I cried a lot due to many unflattering paragraphs and struggles that glared at me from the pages with their stark truths. I had to face myself. With Richard Rohr's book, I found more solace in the Four type. This could probably partially be explained by the fact that I did a lot of soul work after Chestnut's book to balance out my 5 and 3 wings and work on my struggle with FOUR envy. Rohr's book is like the Moon's gentle glow on a concrete parking lot. Suddenly the concrete almost sparkles with the reflection of shared kindness.
~"Fours put their gifts to work to awaken a sense of beauty and harmony in their surroundings. They are highly sensitive and almost always artistically gifted; they can express their feelings in dance, music, painting, the theatre or literature. Everything with a vital energy attracts them and they grasp the moods and feelings of other people and the atmosphere of places and events with seismographic precision." (Pg. 98) ~
I feel lifted to euphoria when I am surrounded by the beauty in nature, my home or in a great song or book. I FEEL words as if they were chocolate melting on my tongue. I experience a gentle wind as whirls of invisible colours dancing inside my heart, ready to take flight. I catch a whiff of my beeswax candles as I walk by them in my house, and feel a jolt of joy and serenity. When I contemplate the art in my house, I can sense the energy of creativity from it's source uplift and renew me- to the point that I feel like my soul is floating outside of itself. I can feel the energy of another person and adjust mine accordingly to bring what is most often needed. I love vitality and the energy it induces because often I can also get lost in melancholy or lost in feeling that is undirected. I can also get lost in the glory of solitude or the onset of each season to the point that I forget I am human and am just part of it all. It's a feeling that can not be captured justifiably by the many descriptive words we have wonderfully created.
~"The life of Fours is primarily shaped by longing; the longing for beauty and the wish that the world and life would fit together into a harmonic whole. Dostoyevsky once said, "The world will be saved by beauty." Fours believe in this principle." (Pg. 98) ~
Sometimes, Often, my longing for harmony and beauty is painful. I believe often in Dostoyevsky's words. How can we not heal from beauty? (When a FOUR says beauty- they mean the SOUL of everything including aesthetic beauty but not in the one size, perfect complexion of Hollywood. We mean nature, the essence of people, and the great works people create etc. )
~"Fours revere great authorities; important poets, musicians, gurus or counselors who have something "deep" about them or something "special." Only this sort of of "inner authority" counts. Formal authorities that aren't backed up by their personality make no impression on a FOUR...Their nose for the "authentic" is infallible." (Pg. 100) ~
For better or worse, this is my truth. I am not impressed by formal 'authority', institutions or inauthentic networking. I gravitate towards those who are authentic in their pursuits, their love and honour their inner depths.
~..."And they prefer to buy their clothes in a secondhand shop or a boutique.." (pg. 100) ~
I was surprised to find this statement, as I thought it was just because as an Autistic person, I prefer lived in, pre shrunk clothes. When I discovered Platos Closet, my budget and my happiness improved. I only buy clothes that are secondhand for the most part and find the originality and hunt for pieces, especially rewarding. I like clothes with a story I will never know.
My family laughed at the quote above and I cringed. I do deeply admire the "unwashed masses" so to speak and often write or do deeds for them. However, if I had to live in extreme poverty, I know I would probably be the first to give up or not withstand the hardships. While we are considered under the poverty line in Canada, we are still enriched beyond measure and I do admit that my home could be viewed by much of the world as an ivory tower. I can't do much about this fact in myself, except to know my limits and be aware that I have this tendency and to give when I can as much as I can, when appropriate. We need people who have more too because they can also give. I know many who have way more than I, whom I am so thankful for because they give to the world in a way I can not. I do not envy what they worked or made sacrifices for either, so at least there is that aspect I suppose.
~"Children, nature and everything that radiates originality awakens in them the longing for the simplicity and naturalness that they lost at some point." (Pg. 101) ~
You know those moments when a truth hits your soul so hard, you gasp with the realization that was only subconscious awareness moments before? The statement above felt like someone gently pushed me into a field of fragrant roses of knowing. That is why I love children and nature so much?!? YES! A resounding yes...how did I not know it was their originality that awakens my longing for simplicity?
~"Feelings are not expressed directly, but indirectly through symbols, rituals and dramatic styling. This is supposed to alleviate the pain of real grief and the fear of rejection." (Pg.102) ~
My home is a temple to this statement. I have symbols, rituals and dramatic styling squeezed into every open space. I need these to surround me to survive the grief and rejection that can often accompany me. Since I set up my hearth in this way, I am much more of a balanced person and can often be a strong comfort during grief and heal swifter from rejection I often feel. Before my house symbolized my inner soul, it was tougher for me, without the safe place and tangible reminders of my feelings outside of myself, to figure out a peace filled stance to meet the world with.
~"Fours sometimes live their lives like a Gesamtkunstwerk, a total work of art. Clothing, interior decoration, hobbies, circle of friends, and habits are adjusted to each other in a way that often seems accidental but in reality is carefully staged. Aesthetic points of view, which often can be appreciated only with difficulty, play the lead role here. One classic expression of the attitude is what is called 'Bohemia..." (Pg. 102) ~
Shhhhh...you learned my secret. In fact, I learned about it by reading this too, as this is mostly subconscious, but when I thought about it in depth, I realized, yea I carefully stage a lot in my home life etc. When watching 'Wanda Vision', when Wanda was controlling her world but not meaning to hurt anyone, my family would look at her gestures or the trauma covered by her bright smile and remark, "Scarlet Witch resembles you often." At first I was a little bothered but it was a fair statement. They went on to explain that it's actually quite flattering too, because of the amount of power she can use for good and influence, and the way she fiercely protects those she loves and some of her magical qualities. Then I was a bit more flattered. Funny enough, my former Bestie came over recently. We were chatting and she randomly said, "Ya know, our family is watching a show that often reminds me of you, mostly in a good way I think, but there was one part in the last episode that I had to sit back and whisper your name with a big wow. You may have heard of it? It's called Wanda Vision and the part I am talking about is when Agatha acknowledges Wanda's powers and calls her the 'Scarlet Witch.'" I laughed heartily, because my former bestie of 15 close years of friendship, despite two years apart, saw the same thing. ( SEE HERE for more on us.) So for her to see that too was obviously saying something....Also, yes I am quite Boho on occasion.
~ "The pitfall of FOURS is their melancholy, a 'sweet sadness' that lies over their whole lives like a fog. FOURS have to be depressed and suffer from time to time to be happy...the tragic romantics..." (Pg.103) ~
My eldest son laughed when I read that statement and said, "Woah mom, it's true, In order to feel happy you often need to first suffer or be depressed. You do remind me a lot of those Romantics we studied in history. I think you often put melancholy on a pedestal in comparison to happiness...like you almost think fluffy happiness without depth is shallow pursuit. I don't think you mean to be snobby about it but it can come off that way." Ha...and yikes...and true.
~"Since FOURS as a rule direct their aggressions against themselves , it often happens that they are disgusted by themselves and their bodies. Although, they are generally slender and attractive, they tend to find themselves too fat and too ugly. They keep trying new diet plans..." (Pg. 105) ~
That song 'Total Eclipse of the Heart' can aptly explain how the paragraph above hit me. I thought it was just me being me, but yes I have a huge disgust with myself on a daily basis. Please note that this does not apply to other people nor do I think that certain features or weights make OTHER people less or more attractive. I actually only have this attribute, as only a four can have, fully reserved FOR MYSELF. With that out of the way, I have gone on pretty much every diet plan that is out there at some point and I still struggle with my weight due to autoimmune conditions. I secretly believe I was given an aversion to medical practices and surgeries and throwing up for a reason. It is no secret that I loathe hospitals and have Emetophobia...but if I didn't- I know I would have been Bulimic, Anorexic and already had a few cosmetic procedures (which are sometimes necessary or done from a balanced place but mine would have been from broken ness and personal disgust with myself which is not a good place to begin.) I am often the most broken inside over this disgust that I regularly have to work on. My husband says I see myself from a warped perspective.
I often take pictures of myself to try to see what others will see and celebrate the beauty that can be...but then I get upset that I can not live up to the pictures I like of myself (for instance I love the picture below but often I do not look like that! I like that it shows the many grays I constantly re dye - I actually love them but I crave playing with colour. ) But even living up to some of my past images, can plunge me into despair. I'm still learning to love my outside self. I can literally hide out in my room for days if I feel this loathing triggered by pants that are too tight or new frown lines. This is a deep wound I am constantly working on in my persona. I do it a little less than I used to with wisdom and maturity, but it still seems to be my personal thorn in my flesh. I mostly direct aggressions against myself.
~ "Normal" quiet happiness, of the sort others- apparently- enjoy, seems to a FOUR at once attractive and repellent, for that could mean the end of the sweet wistfulness that FOURS need to feel 'themselves.' The inner richness of melancholy seems to be more attractive than what others carelessly call 'happiness." (Pg. 105) ~
Paradoxes. How can someone be both strongly attracted and strongly repelled by happiness? It's there, always pulling me two ways.
~ "Many FOURS vacillate between phases of exaggerated activity and others in which they are withdrawn and quasi paralyzed. This manic depressive structure can in some people who are highly introverted (stronger influence of the FIVE wing) turn into an altogether depressive structure. Fours whose more success- oriented, extroverted 3 wing is dominant are by contrast often hyperactive. These 2 subtypes of FOUR do not look very similar at first glance." (Pg 106) ~
I think this part is better explained by Beatrice Chestnut in her section on Enneagram wings. I think this happens because FOURS have the go getter THREE wing and the introspective, ever researching, FIVE wing. If one is tapped into more than the other, the statement above can be true. A couple years ago I was heavily into my FIVE wing, to the point I almost felt more of a FIVE. It was unhealthy for me and caused much stress and depression. When I recognized this in Chestnut's book I began to lean into mysticism as the tonic for my soul, and also to honour my THREE a bit more without swinging heavily into it. After much soul work, I re took the test two weeks ago, and my score said that my wings were perfectly balanced. I could feel that difference.
~"Many FOURS take their feelings very seriously and are deeply offended when they are hurt. Criticism of their artistic expressions can wound them in their innermost selves and drive them into retreat..." (Pg. 106) ~
Yes, my feelings are part of my intuitive BEING. Thus, if someone discounts them, I can be set off immediately. I do struggle, because of my self rejection, with additional criticism, especially in the area of my expression. Aspects of the later seasons of the show 'Glee' (certain songs or phrases from season 3 onward ) feel like an inner artistic expression of my soul, thus it is the one show I can not discuss reasonably with other people. I ask them not to tell me their assessment of it. Assess anything else, but don't tell me you hate it, especially if you never watched later seasons or know my personal context. Just let it be.
I have retreated at times, from friends who refuse to ever read my blog or blatantly unsubscribe. (This is different if random people unsubscribe or those who are not really friend level...although I still have to go through my self rejection issues in those cases.) I don't mind if friends delete, ignore or do not check in much but if they are my friend, I DO care that they just accept the parts or expressions of me that ARE a part of me. They are allowed to disagree, discuss, challenge kindly or ignore, but to go out of their way to tell me they are not reading me? To me, that is cruelty in it's finest form, because it is an artistic expression of self. Yes, I work on this and try to answer back kindly and compassionately even if I feel anything but...yet, I will withdraw after...that is guaranteed.
~"The gift, or fruit of the spirit, of redeemed FOURS is balance. At twenty-five, FOURS have already lived through all emotional space and experiences from agony to ecstasy. They know all the nuances of feeling and understand the human soul better than anyone else. If they muster the discipline to bring their emotional life into balance, they can become impressive personalities." (Pg. 107) ~
My first blog was called Acquiring Balance. For some types, balance is a dirty word. In fact, for some people, striving for balance can make them unhealthy. But for a FOUR, it is redemption. It is true, that I knew I had experienced the full range of agony to ecstasy before I was 25 years old. I do believe I understand the human soul better than most. Yet, disciplining my emotions into balance, has been my main aspect of therapy for the last 16 years. My paternal Grandma recently remarked, "If you've been having therapy that many years maybe it's not working." I laughed and said, "Grandma, in some cases that is true, but in my case, being a paradox and Autistic person in a mostly non Autistic world, I need a listening ear for my sanity. I need to be able to speak conflicting truths in a safe place. I need to be able to work on myself with support."
~"Healthy FOURS are capable of a depth of feeling that most of us have no access to. If they can make this genuine emotionality fruitful, they can express in concentrated fashion their sense of the beautiful and the really painful, then the real works of art will be created." (Pg. 107) ~
Taylor Swift is a great example of a FOUR whom does this.
~ "Redeemed FOURS are better than most others at understanding the guiding people in psychic distress. They are not intimidated by the difficult, complicated, or dark feelings of others, since they themselves have lived through it all." (Pg. 108) ~
Recently, my nephew was watching Disney's Raya (spoiler ahead.) When the families were united at the end, a tear slipped down his face, and his five year old self asked sweetly, "Can we rewind the part when they see their families again?" When he re watched, he sighed and snuggled into his father's shoulder.
I felt those moments at age five too. I still feel them. Most children would not ask to rewind that part. I also feel that this shows the consequences of some of our protocols in society right now (due to Covid) and how FOURS can show on the outside, what serious consequences can be happening, unnoticed, on the inside, to many people who are in forced or chosen isolation.
FOURS are not scared of difficult, complicated or dark feelings in themselves or other people. We have lived most of it, in either imagination or deep feeling. We do not judge the feelings but we do assess them and try to heal the world through that awareness.
~"The invitation to redemption issued to FOURS is the call to originality. Fours find their naturalness on the way to union with God. Their striving for authenticity, their love for children and nature are early hints of this goal in life. If they can admit that they live "in God" and God "in them", their soul will come to the rest and balance they have long yearned for." (Pg. 111) ~
Originality is quite important to me. So is the concept of Deity, even though my integration of that in my spiritual life looks like an eclectic mix to most people, it has both standard and mystical observations and is both based in facts and the ineffable. There were a couple years in our twenties when my husband was more of a proclaimed Atheist. I respected it, but the farthest I got was Agnostic. For my sanity, I could just not fully discourse with the mystical. Now, my beliefs have become more solid for myself, but I do not like to proclaim them or put them in a structured box. Yet, I do admit, that my type needs to dwell in possibility. I believe Deity IS possibility. When I say 'love' or 'beauty' in conversation, I am not defining it by the world's definitions. I am defining it by a FOUR which is a deep feeling of SOUL and balance of BEING. It's GOD in a way I can not explain. I do not know how to explain it beyond this in words...I can only FEEL it.
~"Fours must find their energy without constantly slipping from one extreme into the other, without being up one minute and down the next. It must not always be euphoria or depression. Their 'objective observer' has the job of asking: "Isn't a little joy and a little sadness enough- at least now and then?" ~
In my twenties I was either euphoric or depressed. Now that I tend to have more balance, sometimes I will admit to missing those extremes. Life feels a bit less muchier sometimes. On the flip side, people like me more, but do I like myself as much? Yes and no. I believe a little joy and sadness, every now and then IS enough...however, I also think FOURS need to take a lesson from someone who worked so hard on that aspect that a little became "regular" and "ordinary." I am now working on allowing myself the extreme moments of depression and euphoria once again too, because it IS a part of me. I squelched it completely on my road to balance, which was needed at the time, but notice how the statement above says, "At least now and then"? That is the key...NOW and THEN. It's also ok to have the innate in- born persona.
~..."For this reason social commitment and working for peace and justice do FOURS good. In this they have to deal with the dirt of the world, which cannot be aesthetically transfigured....they have to admit the rage they feel against the person in question, and they have to stop adulating him or her in the wake of that loss." (pg.111) ~
I tend to praise my friends and husband in my rage as my first response. I give them the benefit of the doubt immediately. On the heals of my anger, a swift perspectives process takes place, that leaves me defending their side and contexts in my head. While this is lovely to create harmony and forgiveness in quick process, there is a darker side. I can re visit my rage again and again and distance myself because I do not want to feel the rage when I have already reasoned out their perfectly understood stances. But, my feelings matter too, even if I DO understand. I actually have to stop my tendency to put their feelings on a pedestal but contain my own. It is actually quite easy for me to move on, once I voice, in blog/ person/ writing my rage to a degree or tell the person, "Actually I am angry at you because of this ...but I also understand where you are coming from...however, I FEEL hurt and upset...." If I am not able to have a conversation with someone in this way, it is much harder for me to re figure the situation. I can eventually, but the re visits of rage turn into a sense of injustice of not being understood in turn. I need to work for justice and peace in myself first, before I can manifest out into the world.
I have to admit that sometimes beauty can not fix all problems. Not all people FEEL harmony on levels that give them the ability to forgive swiftly, understand another's issues even if they do not share the same ideals, or validate all range of emotions. As a four, sometimes I assume that everyone works this way and wonder why can't they just tap into that feeling of intuition to find truth and justice? It's an awareness I am developing.
To my fellow Fours; It's ok to find your emotional voice. Try to also balance out being a caretaker in the world, within your voice. When we harness our inner Sun (by that I mean, our inner warmth centres of life giving freedom of choice and belonging and belief) we can bring meaning and substance, along with goodness to be a Divine catalyst for others. When we no longer give our power of choice away to institutions or governments, we find our warmth of hearth and healing while still striving to be the best citizens we can be. Forgiveness and letting go of heaviness and long standing hurts (or at least acknowledging rage that cycles back), brings feeling of lightness to the heart. This in turn creates empowered choice. Choice ultimately leads to peace.
Ask yourself, "What makes you feel free TODAY?" Different days will have different freedom answers. Do you follow that feeling and build solid choices based on that feeling? Do you light pathways for others to contemplate and find their own freedom? FOURS get a lot of flack and misunderstanding in Enneagram circles. Know that if you are a FOUR, you have the potential to create. You are part of a group of inspirers, artists, and feelers who have the capability, when healthy, to lead, and change the parts of the world and communities that others are lucky enough to be in with you. There is a lot of soul work to be done of course, but as in any type, you have the capability within you to SEE yourself and activate upon awareness. You are as important as the other 8 types. You are part of a whole. Let the birds sing for you, let the sweetness of your feelings inspire, allow your rage to activate justice (even for yourself), dream under the stars without guilt, laugh with gusty abandon when you feel it despite others not "getting it", explore those 'sapphire skies' and do not discount the beautiful aspects of your own wonderlandy muchness. You are a person who can feel the adventures of feeling in melodies built into your own backyard...you encompass twilight and sunrise in feeling on subtle breezes. At times life can FEEL so stunning with the simplest aspects. You have the capability to make others FEEL. Isn't that an emerald gift of homecoming?
~"One of the most important lessons many of us need to learn in this lifetime is that we are none of us an island: we thrive on profound and heartfelt relationships with others. When we experience conflict with someone we love, working through the pain, discord, and heartaches to find an even deeper level of connection helps us evolve spiritually and brings comfort, strength and wisdom like nothing else can. Similarly, when we continually work through our own fears and block around relationships in order to open up to others with true authenticity and vulnerability, we experience ever increasing levels of joy and personal expansion."- Tess Whitehurst ~
Song Choice: There are SO MANY songs for a FOUR type. Can I claim them all? Seriously... Instead of the many, MANY songs I could add here on an Enneagram FOUR, I am going to put a song that has helped me tap into my Wonderlandy ways the last couple years. Welcome to Wonderland- Anson Seabra I FEEL this song. I FEEL it is my home. From his lyrics, I feel he could be a FOUR. His song "Broken" is definitely when FOURS are in melancholy and the internal self loathing, feeling struggle. His whole album of songs he wrote in his room (FOUND HERE) encompass the FOUR in unbalance , in certain wings and sometimes in full health . A couple of the songs are rated explicit but some of them are clean versions...and many of them show the unbalanced four who wallows in melancholy but a few of his happier ones are more of a four in savouring nature (Dawning of Spring/ Emerald Eyes/ welcome to Wonderland/ Trying My Best/ Don’t forget to Breathe)
*For more, my husband and I do marital and single personality coaching. Please email worldwecreate@gmail.com for more. Thanks.*
