Tuesday, April 9, 2019

Four Things I Do When My Life Falls Apart; Grieving, Gratitude, Chapter Endings, Glee and Music.

"There are three things I do when my life falls apart. Number one I cry my eyes out and dry up my heart. Not until I do this will my new life start. So that's the first thing I do when my life falls apart."- Jason Mraz

1. Grieving for people, places, dreams, or lost possibilities demands a certain level of acknowledgement in the form of tears at some point. Some of us cry more than others, but until we can actually have a moment to leak our loss out of our body, we have not fully dried up our heart of it's weeping wound. I don't cry the first few days of loss usually. If I do it's later than most and in weird spurts. However, on and off for a few weeks after an event, I allow myself moments to be triggered to cry. I listen to songs that will help bring them on so that I can cry out the pain and leave that empty space open for new emotions. Enneagram type 4's are especially gifted in acknowledging "darker emotions." It is said that our dark linings are often the happier emotions for other types ( joy, comfortability ect.) and we are comfortable with expressions of grief, anger, sadness ect. Perhaps that is why point two comes fairly easily to me?

"The second thing I do is I close both of my eyes and say my thanks you's to each and every moment of my life. I go where I know the love is and let it fill me up inside. Gathering my strength from sorrow- I'm glad to be alive. Things are looking up. I know above the clouds the sun is shinning. Things are looking up. Love is still the answer I'm relying on..."- Jason Mraz

2.  The lyrics from the song above "3 Things" By Jason Mraz is so on point. After I have cried, a crucial step for moving onward is to be grateful. To try to see all the thank you moments beyond any negative or anger or loss. Because that love can fill up where the tears were. Go where the love is- because surprisingly love is often around you in hidden or obvious places, or maybe love is on the way. I truly do gather strength from sorrow and it always makes me glad that at least I am alive to feel this moment too. Love is the answer I rely on, and when love is there, life can be viewed through the sunshine lens of full support.

"The third thing that I do now when my world caves in, is I pause I take a breath, and bow, and I let the chapter end. I design my future bright, not by where my life has been, and I try, try, try again. Yes I try, try, try, I try again."- Jason Mraz

3. This is an important part. To PAUSE. To bow towards the audience for the last curtain call and see the chapter as only part of the story. To realize that once you walk off that stage, a new beginning is waiting. And that the future does not have to be based on the past at all. While the past influences where we are and helps build a foundation, those who remain stuck within their bitterness or "should be's" can not BECOME. We must try again. We must go onward. We must forget to a point. Enough to move forward without dark roots. We must forgive and also see the beauty. To breathe in what was, and to acknowledge and breathe it out. We are so much more than our past and once we have been grateful for it in point two and savoured what we had, it's time to take that final bow.

Even in the small events; like when my grandmother whom resembles most of my childhood concept of HOME, comes to visit and I have to say goodbye at the end. Each time it is painful. She is the only person who can illicit public tears from me and whom I get choked up saying goodbye to. That has been constant since childhood. Each time I PAUSE and honour the chapter she just played in. Because she is HOME in many ways, I have to remember that I carry her onward, into my own becoming. Her INTJ persona fits so nicely with my INFJ and we share quirks. My husband often says I will be a version of her when I am older and he is so honoured to hopefully witness that (I think his words were "Can't wait" as he adores her...but I can wait because each moment is precious with her in it too.) Each bow, and end of chapters of life can feel frequent, in large events and small, and to be aware of this, honour, and breathe them in, is a gift.

"I know behind the dark the sun is rising...love is still the answer I'm relying on."- Jason Mraz

The fourth thing that I do is listen to the lyrics of songs and go back to Glee, to remind me of whom I am and how to be ME. "We feel, we hear, your pain, your fear. But we're here to say. Who you are- Is OK. And you don't have to go through this on your own. You're not alone. You have more friends than you know. Some who surround you. Some you are destined to meet. You'll have more love in your life. Don't let go. Take your time. Take it slow. Those who love you the most may need more time to grow. It's gonna be OK. You have more friends than you know." -Glee

4. Glee is my strength when I am weak and often my voice when I can't speak. I honestly count some of the songs, episodes and characters of Glee as part of my life story. Because various episodes of Glee shaped me that much and make me feel things that I don't often feel anywhere else. I probably grieved more when Glee ended than most of my life relationships- because it was a PART of ME. It expressed so much of my soul, that as an Autistic person, was not easily expressed otherwise. I often felt the writers knew me, my brain and all my interests. It intrinsically became me. Music and lyrics have always been part of the way the Universe speaks to me and loves me and how I express love. As an INFJ music IS language, but being Autistic gives that fact another level...and Enneagram 4's also tend to speak through music- so thus Glee was an excellent fit for me.

At the end of the day, I have to know I am loved by ME. That no matter where I go in life, or with whom, how I conduct myself, and BE in the world, defines me. That is where the love is. And if I have that, I will always have pieces of love surrounding. And that is a beautiful concept. A beautiful mess of BEING.

"Be brave. Be strong. You are loved. YOU BELONG. Some day soon, you will see, you're exactly who you're supposed to be. And you don't have to go through this on your own. You're NOT alone. You have more friends than you know. Some who surround you. Some you are destined to meet. You have more love in your life. Don't let go. Give it time. Take it slow. Those who love you the most may need more time to grow. It's going to be ok. You have more friends than you know."- Glee

"Be who you are. Learn to forgive. It's not about who you love but how you live."- Glee

It's not only about whom you love. Life is also about how you love. And if you bear the how, you can bear almost any why. I have been emptied and filled up again. Life is breathing in fresh air. I am finding that whom I am, attracts love, life, and gifts of belonging. Whom I am also begets struggle, normal life consequences, beginnings and ends...but within that, I know, even in solitary states, I am not alone. I have more friends than I know, some surrounding me and some in my destiny. I also have my own friendship within myself.

My husband brought me home another gift yesterday with the words, "I saw this necklace and it was you- so witchy, so deep green reminding me of your magic within. I want you to know I am your best friend and you are worth SO much." Another friend heard that and said, "What a kind gift and such a YOU gift." When our souls are validated and SEEN, it's also another bonus in life.

Things are looking up. "Be Brave. Be strong. You are Loved. You Belong. Someday soon, you will see, you're exactly who you're supposed to be..."- Glee**

Song Choice: 3 Things- Jason Mraz

** You Have More Friends Than You Know- Glee


D said...

Oh my soul. Kay. I'm PMS'ing too hard to write much through the tears but I have been thinking of you every day since you first shared of the 'breakup'. Oh my SOUL. Everyday. Feeling you.
Anyways. I'm just....in an extra intense zone of emotion and feels this month...but...even though we so rarely connect know that i VERY often think of you. I've got your soul-back. Way over here in the South End.
Yay spring and light and grass...and tears and music and hunkering down in the real.


Kmarie said...

Thanks D;
Pmsing and seasons of Feels can be hard and often the daily grind is almost tougher than a “ big deal” in one sense because it seems more acknowledged or bigger and perhaps more supported or timed - but the daily struggles are just as profound in another way! All that to say I feel for you too xo
Thank you for thinking of me. I’ve actually felt quite supported and loved and am honoured to add your voice and thoughts to that reality. 🥰❤️
Thank you for having my soul back and honestly if you ever need some quiet do come over! We don’t even have to chat if u would prefer a show or even reading in the library with a chat thrown in- I’m comfortable with that but no pressure either 💕
Yes to music! Spring! Grass! Light! And love !

Thanks again

S said...

I can feel your your heart.These times are so hard especially when our foundation is shifted/broken or our idealized life gets disillusioned. Sometimes, when things are too hard, we have to give in to our feelings, even if it drains us. Agree with the Jason Mraz song. I think that we should cry and even if crying is bad/sad/stressful/pointless whatever it is-we should do it because it is raw emotion and "raw emotions are always true as they are asking us to release them as soon as possible"--at least for this moment. The opposite of that raw emotion is "going numb" which is more disturbing and harmful. So, in difficult times, it is ok to be sad and acknowledge/accept our dark feelings. Dark feelings like any other feelings will "find a closure" on its own even if it takes a little bit longer than usual or even if we don't want them to go. I also wrote a lot in my diary whenever I could no longer deal with hard moments. I grieved for my uncle last year and I felt alone in my grief (which I mostly do and it is so isolating) but this is also the first step to overcome our "aloneness". Because, as humans, we are able to process our sorrow and hurt all by ourselves even if we feel isolated and helpless.

Kmarie said...

The shifting of foundations can cause ideals to be disillusioned..but the positives are fresh breezes of new change too... I agree that an important step is at least acknowledgment of our feelings. I actually do go numb first and it protects me from initial grief and probably why I do so well in most crisis situations with a cool head ( tho not in blood situations) But I agree that long term numbness is not an appropriate way to conduct life. At some point we must face ourselves and life to live to the fullest. Writing is important too.

I am sorry you feel isolated in your grief with your uncle. I find that any relationship needs to be honoured if we feel deep grief and it's sad when people do not help you through that. I feel for you as the deeper the grief, the closer the relationship in many aspects. Or sometimes it wasn't close but its personal because they give us our persona or enable growth...sometimes it is more about us and what we have lost within that unconditional love or guidance. Regardless of what it was, he must have been a presence in your life. Yes, in our collective hurt we are not alone...everybody hurts and has a battle...and we just do the best to live our lives richly in the meanwhile.

Thank you for your beautiful comments today!