Monday, July 30, 2018

"Images Passing By- My Love, My Life." A Place of Belonging. Home and Family Magic.

*All Quotes from ABBA Mamma Mia 2 songs "My Love, my Life" "Andante Andante" and "I've been Waiting For You."

"I've never felt this strong. I'm invincible, how could this go wrong. No, here, here's where we belong. I see a road ahead, I never thought I would dare to tread."

Carved out from my soul to my life, is a place that I belong. Where there is always an array of good music playing, companionship in the form of laughter, tears or one of us dramatizes it (because occasional drama gives life such flavour!), where there is understanding because communication is continual, and where I feel free because wheat fields and sunsets abound. This place of mine is both practical and magic. It has a bit of logic applied to romantic whims. It's a place where my child captures a picture of my husband going in for his end of lunch kiss, and I ask him to quickly take another one in case it was blurry, and they both turn out lovely. The goodbye lunch kiss combined with "Honey how are you?" afternoon texts help keep our romance alive. Because sometimes it feels dead. Thus, the daily deeds and epic movie moments should make at least a few photos for posterity sake...

"Like an image passing by, my love, my life. In the mirror of your eyes, my love, my life. I can see it all so clearly. All I love so dearly. Images passing by..."
This place has impromptu dance parties and moments when we decide to take photos and dress up because we feel gross. The pictures above were taken on a day when I had a massive headache, and for a week I had felt slightly depressed and meh. Luckily, MammaMia 2 came to the rescue, and my daughter and I decided to blast the tunes and take life in it's scope of beauty. What followed was one of THE BEST afternoons of my life. I still had a headache, but we laughed till our sides ached when we staged some photos. We chatted about hopes and influences. We were inspired by the songs. It was magic.

"Like reflections of your mind, my love, my life. Are the words I try to find, my love, my life. But I know I don't possess you. With all my heart, God bless you. You will be my love and my life. You're my one and only.."
Because the magic kept sparking, my husband and I decided to spontaneously take a mini shopping trip, that ended up being hugely successful. I felt like pretty woman. Is there anything quite as sexy as a man carrying full shopping bags? Well, maybe there is, but at the moment my was heart quickening and I thought there was nothing sexier. Now and beyond to backroad driving and stolen kisses.

"I held you close to me. Felt your heart beat and I thought: I am free. Oh yes, and as one are we in the now and beyond. Nothing and no one can break this bond..."
Lately we have been savouring our place of being. Participating in parades, walks for water, philosophy book studies and summer movies. The right path is the one we choose to walk, dance or claw our way into looking at our life and realizing it is worth living.

"Like an image passing by, my love, my life. In the mirror of your eyes, my love, my life. I can see it all so clearly. All I love so dearly, Images passing by.."
The bittersweet beauty of growth, means that each moment is passing by. Yet, the moments matter. In the magic and mundane. It is part mentality, part actualization, part inspiration, part privilege and part pulling one's life up by the boots straps.

"Like reflections of your mind, my love, my life.Are the words I try to find, my love, my life. But I know I don't possess you. With all my heart, God bless you. You are still my love and my life
Yes I know I don't possess you.."

"With all my heart, God bless you. You are still my love and my life. You're my one and only."
I know I don't possess them. I am fully aware of that fact. With all my heart I put my hopes and blessings into their futures while slightly guiding their present, and ultimately taking what is currently gifted to me.

" I, I have known love before. I thought it would no more, take on a new direction. Still, strange as it seems to be, It's truly new to me. That affection."

Even though I have been with my husband 17 years, and have had my daughter 15 and my sons for my entire adult life, what still shocks me is their affection for me. My mom often will say to me, "They adore you." And I simply say, "Yes they do." Because I know it. Like I have never known anything else. In fact, it makes me grieve for my future self which I should probably engage in therapy for. Because I need to just enjoy what IS now. But my therapist pointed out that I have an unusual relationship with my children, and with my world. He said I have never truly felt acceptance or full safety in my life, then suddenly after the tougher years for babes under 6 were over, I had built in best friends. Who not only like me for quirks, but celebrate the way I move in the world. And they have taught me and given to me as much as I try to teach and give to them. Every day that they have this affection for me, I am surprised and delighted.

"I, I don't know what you do. You make me think that you. Will change my life forever..."
"I, I'll always want you near. Give up on you, my dear? I will never."
"You thrill me, you delight me. You please me, you excite me. You're all that I've been yearning for."

"I love you, I adore you. I lay my life before you. I only want you more and more
And finally it seems my lonely days are through. I've been waiting for you."

I didn't realize how lonely my life was before my husband. I had a ton of wonderful friends and family, but I never felt fully seen. Understood. Heck, I didn't even know myself as an undiagnosed Aspie, INFJ and person with chronic illness. Once those pieces fell into place, my life immediately became calmer. I became more steady in whom I am because I finally figured out I wasn't crazy, just different. But my husband created a place of belonging and safety within the first few months of association. He protected and cherished the parts of me I long kept masked.

"I'll carry you all the way. And you will choose the day. When you're prepared to greet me. I'll be a good mum, I swear. You'll see how much I care. When you meet me."

I needed a project recently so my daughter and I painted the kitchen. My husband and I bought Home Sense decor ( he found those fabulous magical signs on the wall) and my boys helped me re arrange the Living Room and Library while I was immersed in the chaos. Two glorious whirlwind days. I live for creating in my home. The months before I re did both my children's closets with my hubby helping lay the new flooring. The following weekend a gal whom I have known almost my whole life and have been good friends for over 25 years came to spend the day with us. I felt encompassed with delight that this is my life sometimes where past, present and future meet.

"You thrill me, you delight me. You please me, you excite me. You're all that I'd been yearning for. I love you, I adore you. I lay my life before you. I only want you more and more."

Where I live, I can walk to see endless oceans of prairies. A passing friend snapped a photo and texted me, "Took a total stalker photo of your family for you because you all looked so cute walking together and I thought you might like that memory captured!" That night we could hear the coyotes yipping in the fields which made my book loving heart sing because I wasn't just reading a novel- I was in it.

"And finally it seems my lonely days are through. I've been waiting for you. Oh...I've been waiting for you." My son thought I was quirkily adorable because I accidentally wore my plaid pants with my plaid coat. I just happened to match and I didn't notice till I was walking down the street and he spontaneously hugged me with comments on my unique self. I laughed and was going to change when my children asked me to stay in my Santa's helper July I looked like a plaid candy cane walking down the street but it made them happy.
 It feels like these few short years, where I have finally found myself, and my delight, are quickly passing by. I was shocked to hear I am in my mid thirties this year! When did that happen? I feel like I just turned thirty. I felt my biological clock ticking. I even looked into having a few more children as I always wanted six, but I don't think I could do pregnancy/baby/ under six again nor put that on my family if they are not fully on board. So I had to work through that and realize just because I had joy, did not mean I needed to add more...It feels like my children are slipping through my fingers. In ways they will outgrow me. Luckily, with their diagnosis they will also remain forever young in some aspects but each will be different in their own way. I try to remind myself that it's not up to me to worry about that. Maybe I won't even live to see that day? Regardless, I am here. They are still here. And my husband and I are renewing our relationship.

The picture on our fence is one of my favourite photos ever, captured by my youngest ( most of the photos on this page were taken by my youngest son), because it shows the delight I often experience from my family. I honestly never thought my life would end up this way. Where I would be a woman who lived for family, and my children would co exist with me in a Gilmore sort of existence. I have had a jealous soul once tell me it can't last and that it is unhealthy. Why is lasting always the ultimate goal? How about savouring what IS and that is it? I think we look like our specific type of health. And that is all that matters. I still give them space, what they need to grow, and luckily I also need mountains of alone time. But, hearing them play or talk down the hall is a special type of soul medicine I savour.

"Andante Andante, And watch me float away. I'm your music, I'm your song. Play me time and time again, and make me strong. Make me sing. Make me sound. Andante Andante. Tread lightly on my ground. Andante Andante. Oh please don't let me down."
Having my husband as my teammate and loyal partner is fabulous, but I also love that every now and then we aspire to romance novel status. That part of life I DID dream of. I always wanted a musical sort of romance. Sometimes I have it. Occasionally it's sizzling hot, sensual, and dramatic. While sadly, at other times it feels like the song "One of Us." (Abba.) Most of the time it's a mellow sort of soul connection with friendship lost and found. As long as we try occasionally to keep it fresh and rejuvenated, that for me, is enough. "Andante Andante."

Song Choices: I've been Waiting For You- MammaMia 2 Version, My Love, My Life- Mamma Mia 2 version, Andante Andante - Mamma Mia 2 version


C2Q CalledtoQuestion said...

Andante. Andante indeed. Beautiful post. Loved it. Love life with you.

Kmarie A. said...

@C2Q thanks love. Me too...with you. xoxo

Anonymous said...

Tears rolling down my face. It was lovely to witness your family, love and life.

Thank you for this sacred peek.


Kmarie A. said...

Thanks. That means a lot. Sometimes the Sacred moments need to be shared...:)

Ashe Skyler said...

It is sad it won't last. Eventually they grow up, move out, and then the cycle starts over with families of their own. Enjoy this stage while it's here of rearing precious little ones. Then rock the next stage because you'll be a grandma, and I think you'll be an awesome grandma. :D

Kmarie A. said...

Ashe: Just found your comment in spam for some reason...Anyway, yes I am having a mid life crisis over it and I try not to think about it Hopefully I will rock the next stage...I have not been hopeful about it lol so thank you for that lovely thought:)