Friday, March 10, 2017

Context for Complicated Grief/ Anger/ Adderall Effects in Grief/ Differing Faiths in Grief/ Losing a Mother. It Is Love We Must Hold On To

*Disclaimer: This is written from my perspective about my husband's grief of losing his mom combined with the side effects of Adderall this year and how it affected him, our children and myself. My husband is the youngest child, so while I know that his other siblings struggle just as much in other ways, our story is always  from a perspective unique to being the youngest. They have their own grief unique to being the oldest, or the only daughter, or the middle child. Each is legitimate and each will be vastly different in expression. Not less. Not more. Different. While it is written with his consent and approval, I am not claiming his story, but writing facets, and also the parts that are my story, hopefully to help him, to help others like him, and to process. I believe in telling our stories, we heal and become. This post serves as context combined with a few heavier aspects of death and healing. ALSO PLEASE BE ADVISED THIS POST HAS MAJOR TRIGGER ISSUES ON GRIEF, ANGER, VIOLENCE and SUICIDE. This is NOT a medical post and if you feel any of this may trigger you please do not read and seek the advice of a professional. *

Celine Dion once crooned, "Mamma, you gave life to me, Turned a baby into a lady, and mamma all you had to offer was a promise of a lifetime of love, Now I know, There is no other love like a mother's love for her child. And I know that Love so complete someday must leave. Must say goodbye.. Something so strong, can one day be gone, and we must say goodbye but goodbye's the saddest word I'll ever hear. Goodbye's the last time I will hold you dear. Some day you'll say those words and I will cry. It will break my heart to hear you say goodbye." (The rest of the song found HERE.)

Hearts break when good mothers die. No matter the age, even at ninety we feel deep loss. It may be slightly easier to let go of our moms at a ripe old age then unexpectedly but it still hurts to lose that love of a mother. While some mothers are horrid people with toxic patterns, if you are lucky enough to have a nurturing mother, who may be imperfect, but loves you with all of her being, there really is no other love. A light filled mother will love unconditionally and be bonded for life. Once that physical expression of love is gone, it's gone. There is no other love that comes close in that way. There are versions of love that are just as avid, like being a parent oneself or a partner, but it IS different. That difference makes life after loss both brutal and beautiful for having it in the first place. My husband lost this love. I know that if I lost that present love of my mother I would be devastated, and experiencing through him does not even come close to the feelings he has to deal with.

Last March, on the 31st, after a month long battle of surgeries, doctor's mistakes, and sepsis, my husband's young mother (in her early sixties) passed away. My husband was the last one out of her hospital room, after hours beside her body, weeping and holding on tight to her cold form. Today, after almost a year, I still have to wake him at night when he is weeping in his sleep, his arms held out from his body trying to grasp for an empty hug. He gets these dreams a few times a month. We have been assured they are part of processing. His sensitive and empathetic brain is trying to reconcile the vivacious, expressive, physically present mom he knew to the mom he witnessed at the end, but it breaks my heart to hear his cries in his sleep. When he wakes from these dreams the rest of the day is very tough, because his mother was present to him that night, telling him thoughts like, "You are my baby. I miss you baby." Or "I am not here but I live within your heart. I wish I could stay but I can't. I love you." He hears these beautiful yet tragic sentiments in his sleep, when she is so real that his sleeping body reaches out to envelope her in a hug, and he wakes to wisps of dreams.

Unfortunately, timing can be, well, unfortunate. When his mother died we were coming off of a six month, out of town, work schedule where my husband was not home often. In order to produce and be able to deal with some other issues, my husband was on Adderall. This stimulant has seen him through various years on and off for important reasons. We did not understand what this would mean when it combined with grief, but we found out.

In November, after months of dealing with a Jekyll and Hyde version of my husband, in desperation I suddenly decided to type in Adderall and Grief into my browser and see what came up. After hours of deep digging, I found out that in a lot of cases, Adderall can stall the grieving process. It will not allow certain emotions to be properly processed, so the person is swung into a never ending cycle of anger. In fact, many in the Adderall forums had coined it "Madderall." In some cases it can cause violence and suicide.

All it would take was someone out of the home, asking my husband how he was doing, and I would close my eyes and cringe, because as well meaning as they were, my husband would politely answer but then my children and I would pay for this trigger at home later. While he never got too physical, other than throwing some dishes in the sink to break or stomping off or slamming doors, he was emotionally volatile. He was not the husband I married. The man I married had an occasional temper, but was generally a happy go lucky, ENFP spouting rainbows, shit stirring, good natured, get along with anyone type of guy. This other version of the man was morose. One minute he would be perfectly fine and a tiny trigger would happen and he would be screaming. It was the first time I lived in fear of a trigger. I spent time crying in our walk in closet trying to deal, then coming out to be the strong one because my children needed me. We didn't hide this difficulty from a few crucially important people, but for our safety during vulnerability we did keep it quiet, because well meaning people could contribute to possible violence. We could not afford a simple opinion to cause an outburst. Even the remaining grandparents were not privy to this very personal journey. We gave hints when needed for the sake of our children, but it was a journey we needed to take separately. Our therapist was notified right away and strategies were implemented. But no matter what we did, the effects were often the same, until I found the Adderall connection and he went off the drugs after a suicide contemplation mid November.

I could not speak about these things publicly because even well meaning people judge. In our community the judgments go immediately to faith. We are "the lost," and christians are "the found." There are no other boxes for many of the fundamentalist people in our community, where for us there are many boxes to life. We understand the importance of afterlife "certainty" and belief for them, but there is no understanding for the lack of that for us. We remember we used to believe that way, but we knew that faith actually wasn't the issue. It is pompous and self righteous to think that answers will be a band aid for everyone. I had to be meticulous about damage control, because the last thing our family needed was more well intentioned voices sabotaging the sanity we had left or blaming systems for ways of being. I fiercely protected our space.

I was not a victim. Again, I want to be clear here for anyone who is going through something similar that to be a scapegoat for anger physically or emotionally should never be an option. I would not tolerate violence towards the children or I, however, I also knew that my husband was not himself and that he was in deep, deep pain. While that is not an excuse for any sort of violence -and boundaries must be in place- it is a reason that is important to keep in mind while finding healing options. If my husband became too volatile I would phone my best friend because she understood and never judged. I would also tell him he had to leave our space until he calmed down, and lucky enough he always had sense enough to do so. During this time, from my boundaries my husband also learned his. He became more formed in what he needed in relationships, what he would have patience with and what he would distance himself from. He grew in relational perspectives but the benefits of these struggles still did not minimize the actual pain.

The night of the contemplated suicide, my husband had stormed off after screaming at my daughter because she accidentally spilled her salad. Let me clarify again, my husband has NEVER done this sort of behaviour before. While his reactions to clumsiness were sometimes to sternly ask the children to clean it up, he was never the temper sort. If he was, I would have honestly divorced him years ago. He ran down the stairs and his truck screeched out of our road careening with speed. By this time I had eight months of this on and off again behaviour, so I was emotionally numb. I felt nothing except the need to comfort my children and make them feel somewhat safe and normal. I actually am the sort of person that becomes emotional if others are unemotional but unemotional if there are a lot of emotions. I tend to feel and balance out the situation. I was very calm and capable during these times. The times I did cry in my closet were when everyone else was busy. Or if the kids were gone and I had just been sworn and screamed at and told various unpleasantries. Sometimes a girl needs an outlet. At the same time, I understood grief was complicated and that a man this changed and vulnerable needed constant checking up on.

That evening, after about an hour, I got a mental picture of my husband standing over his mother's grave with a knife to his wrist and blood dripping. I tend to have these flashes of insight, much to the chagrin of some of my more religious friends, who think it's witchcraft. I have had these images since I was young about people being pregnant, moves, life changes, break ups, health outcomes, deaths, and what marriages will last, which ones are fake and what friendships are for real and my gut knows it's just an INFJ perspectives taking way of being. Basically, I am connecting the dots, making a bunch of quick assessments and foreseeing an outcome. It's like Sherlock but with emotions and intuitions instead. I know to activate and listen to these immediately, even if they seem insane at the time, but I do tone them down because people think I am mad. Anyway, I quickly called my best friend in calm tones explaining what I saw but that "it's probably fine and he is probably just at the shop but maybe someone should check on him, but because of the children's vulnerability it can not be me and it can not be anyone religious or he will lose it on the simple answers and be even more prone to violence." She offered for her husband to drive out to the grave and suggested he would probably be there. I decided to use that as back up but on a gut feeling decided to text my husband's work partner because he is a strong advisor, father figure and friend in my husband's life with a neutral belief system towards my husband. I downplayed the situation but gave enough information for concern and the guy agreed to check up right away.

Later, I received a text from the mentor/friend saying my husband was with him. I found out that at the moment the friend texted my husband, my husband was just putting the knife to his wrist, wondering if it was an option for him to try or not, at his mother's grave. It sounds dramatic and like the stuff movies are made of, but in real life, everything moves slower and less dramatically. Also, it is a heart wrenching, complex bunch of emotions to know that you were right about your husband's death wish. That was a second form of loss. I often can not think about that night without feeling a mix of anger at my husband for daring to leave us and the selfish emotions that come with that on both our parts, compassion at how desperate he was, sadness at the point he had come to, and heart pounding relief that it didn't happen. My husband would not have picked up the phone or text from me, but he looked down at what his guy pal had texted, "K your wife is concerned and wanted me to text you." He said that seeing my name written from someone else snapped him out of his crazed moment. He spent the evening with his friend to which I will be forever grateful and the next day I made him quit Adderall cold turkey. Now, I do not recommend quitting anything cold turkey, as most times it can do more damage than good, but in this case it was a matter of life and death. Luckily, I have a husband who generally greatly respects my judgement calls, so it only took my exhaustive research to do the convincing on this course of action.

Quitting cold turkey did have it's affects. My husband was exhausted for two months and gained thirty pounds without any other changes in lifestyle, just from being off of Adderall. He lost his memory retention and drive at work. He also got physically ill and it lasted four weeks. However, he no longer had the energy to fuel so much anger. He also did not have the capacity to act out on suicidal thoughts. Instead he began processing.

There is so much more to this story. More that I could tell from my perspective one day for women dealing with similar issues. More story on the effects of children and their grief ( a subject I touched on in the previous post.) More about the effects of medicines that sometimes doctors do not always know. More about how to hold a family together and still find beautiful, joyous moments in this pain (which we also had many of) and more about the faith aspect or lack there of and what that means. I hope to explore more at some point in the future, however, the rest of this post, I want to concentrate on grief itself and my husband. The context has been laid out, so now you know how complicated it can be and why my husband's grief is hitting stages later than normal, due to all of these events.

Grief has phrases that one can go in and out of. This is normal and basic psychology. Here is an analogy that may help; When you lose someone, the spot in your soul reserved just for them, will never close up. That spot will always remain. At first it is raw and weeping with pain. It feels like an unquenchable hole that could at times, swallow you up with loss. But as time moves forward that aching empty void slowly begins, with proper processing, to get a layer of skin over top. Not to cover it up or deny it, but to give a little bit of protection. It is still a tender spot that will sometimes unexpectedly cause a bout of tears or laughter at a memory of that loved one, but with that little layer, those memories and emotions no longer tear at the very core of Being. In time, this becomes the beauty in grief. It is a complicated sort of sadness. Those moments, we realize that love and memory, "It flows like a river through the soul, protects, covers, and perseveres...And makes us whole." (Lyrics below) 

I don't believe in band aids to processing. Placid statements of,"Well, she is in heaven now, you should be comforted," are not statements that are helpful to those who are feeling the loss NOW, even if they do believe in heaven. Perhaps for certain personalities this surface level statement aids? If it does- that is great. But for some, that is just damaging. For others, like our father in law- his faith is what literally gets him through. He had decades and decades with his lovely partner and their focus was on biblical missions together. Of course his faith and certainty in heaven will be a huge healing point for him. We do not begrudge him that. We understand that this is what he needs to deal with the devastating loss of his wife. His belief in heaven is what keeps him hopeful and living. He needs to believe to live effectively. For him, these statements of her being in heaven feel deeper. He is also a different personality than my husband and one simply can't compare grief. He does what he does to get himself through and it's beautiful, and we each do the same. Maybe it helps to focus on what we do have in common? 

Love. Love is what we have in common. Love is complex. For some love equals God and for others it is a feeling that makes us whole that we do not attribute to a specific being but an overall, unexplainable beauty. In the end, we each take our differing perspectives about love, but focus on what unites. Grief is so hard because typically it stems from deep love. We lose that physically present love in our lives that we can no longer hold on to in quite the way we did before. We each have to carry onward in our own ways. Each of us, if we live long enough, will deal with the death of someone we deeply love, and each of us will face and process differently. My husband's processing was stunted and I am glad we found the reason why. We were lucky in that regard. Currently, he is in EMDR which is an effective quick form of processing therapy. I highly recommend reading about it and trying it if you are in a tricky stage of grief. (Click HERE.)

This has been a very hard year for our family, yet there have been some stunning moments, and as we are slowly pulling ourselves to a new phase, we are closer than before. We are also learning to embrace the imperfect and un-sweet moments. "Then when the shadows overtake us, just when we feel all hope is gone, We'll hear our song and know once more our song lives on."

Shelley, my husband's mom, lives on in her son. In those she loved. Her song is found within. My husband found hope in EMDR by thinking about carrying on her light ( CLICK HERE.) He realized he carries her hearty laugh and a persona close to hers. The Christmas before she died, Shelley did the 16personalities test, and she was what we guessed, an ESFP. My husband is an ENFP. They share their goofing off, joking, and extroverted quality. It is what people recognized as her indescribable personality. She was the type of person that had many light relationships everywhere she went and a few deeper ones on the home front. Because of her extroversion and sensory aspect she was able to be present to many people in physical form at a time and that in turn made many miss her physical presence even more. My husband often has the same quality, where he can capture happiness for someone in line at a grocery store. He makes daring statements and endearing jokes to put others at ease. A very 'Shelley' sort of quality. This discovery is how he has started reconciling her loss. He is starting to see her in himself and in differing aspects of his children. Her light is there even if sadly, her all encompassing hugs are not.

Grief is devastating. It can't be fit into one blog post nor can I summarize with platitudes or how to's. Yet, I do not want to leave this post without giving some sort of hope. This is merely the context to the year of grief we have had but it is not a deeper look. I hope to give more posts on what helped, what didn't and general musings on loss. Sometimes it can't be packaged...Today, I feel this post would be best summarized by the beautiful new song from Beauty and the Beast, sung by Celine Dion in the lyrics below. More will be written on this topic and some posts are in the grief label below. This year my husband, children and I held on to moments of love, like our lives depended on it, because in many ways they did. The small, ordinary kindness of a friend was sometimes what kept us going. A good meal became a hopeful light. Small, ordinary deeds kept the darkness at bay, just like Gandalf advised they would. It's not easy and sometimes the smaller things, or even recognizing these tiny deeds, takes concentrated effort, that feels barely there...but that is how happiness is captured. "How can in the midst in all this sorrow, can so much hope and love endure? I was innocent and certain, now I'm wiser but unsure. I can't go back into my childhood. One that my father made secure. I can feel a change in me, I'm stronger now but still not free. Days in the sun will return we must believe, as lovers do, that days in the sun, will coming shinning through..." ( Days in the Sun Lyrics from Beauty and the Beast.)

Shelley's song lives on, and so do the songs of all those who have passed their energy back towards their loved ones and moved forward. We must also find, within our grief, our own songs which morph into duets, sonnets or ballads at differing parts of our lives, but are still OURS to pass on. But that takes time and processing. If you are still in those volatile stages of grief, I urge you to hold on. Find a few who understand your heart and cherish their role. Find hope in unlikely places. Take morsels of small ordinary deeds as your armour and feel no shame at all the ranges of emotion and stages of grief. Some people stay in different stages longer than others and that does not mean weakness. In fact, sometimes the strongest loves and hearts fall into the deepest struggles. Do not measure your worth by your grief. Measure your life with the love within. Find the memories that infuse that worth and belonging and hold on tight. You are more than your loss but your loss is also an important facet of you. I wish, for each person struggling, a warrior to protect, a heart to pour out to, and love. Find it in yourself and find it in others if you can.

"[Verse 1]
How does a moment last forever?
How can a story never die?
It is love we must hold onto
Never easy, but we try
Sometimes our happiness is captured
Somehow, our time and place stand still
Love lives on inside our hearts and always will

Minutes turn to hours, days to years and gone
But when all else has been forgotten
Still our song lives on

[Verse 2]
Maybe some moments weren’t so perfect
Maybe some memories not so sweet
But we have to know some bad times
Or are lives are incomplete
Then when the shadows overtake us
Just when we feel all hope is gone
We’ll hear our song and know once more
Our love lives on

[Verse 3]
How does a moment last forever?
How does our happiness endure?
Through the darkest of our troubles
Love is beauty, love is pure
Love pays no mind to desolation
It flows like a river through the soul
Protects, covers, and perseveres
And makes us whole

Minutes turn to hours, days to years and gone
But when all else has been forgotten
Still our song lives on
That's how a moment lasts forever:
When our song lives on"- Alan Menken Sung by Celine Dion
Song Choice: How Does A Moment Last Forever?- Celine Dion 

Days in the Sun- Beauty and the Beast: "How can in the midst in all this sorrow, can so much hope and love endure? I was innocent and certain, now I'm wiser but unsure. I can't go back into my childhood- one that my father made so secure. I can feel a change in me- Im stronger now but still not free...Days in the sun will return we must believe..."

It seems to be a Celine Dion sort of post. Music heals. Celine, amongst many other musical choices, has been a part of pivotal moments in Grade 8, Grade 12, Birthing, Marriage Moments, Christmas, Loss, and Comfort at various times in my life... Here are a few songs that help me during tougher times ( this list does not include some of my other favourites of hers...) :

How Does A Moment Last Forever?- Celine Dion 
Les petits pieds de Léa (not for recent loss of child unless a song about that comforts...)-
Call the Man-
Love is on the Way-
If That's what it Takes-
Let's Talk About Love-
Miracle (not for recent loss of child or mother- brings comfort if you are a mom yourself)-
Goodbye's the Saddest Word-
Because You Loved Me-
All By Myself-
Where is The Love?-
The Prayer-
Don't Save It All For Christmas Day:
Happy Xmas:
The Power of Love-
Baby Close your Eyes-
Another Year Has Gone By-
What A Wonderful World-
I Don't Know-
In Some Small Way-


R said...

Not a lot of words. But I read and I felt it all. All of you have been on my heart throughout this past year. It is difficult for me to think about all of this for Philip. I know that I cannot even begin to understand but there were nights when I wept at the thought. As a mama. As a daughter. As one who loves with all my heart.
Thank you for sharing your heart.

Again, thank you for your transparency. Both your own and philips willingness to share. You two are brave and wonderful. All of you. I am thankful to count you as friends. It was beautiful in the way you shared. If that makes sense.

Anonymous said...

Thanks for sharing your story.. I appreciate knowing more of the details..

I appreciate the depth of your passion and love.. May healing journey continue until your love and grace spills over onto those around you..

May grace and peace be yours- M.

S said...

First of all, thank you so much for opening your heart to us and also for sharing your vulnerabilities and hopes by sharing your story. This life story is important not only because one day everyone will go through a similar kind of grief but also because they will remember that someone else have also gone through it before. Sharing our story heals. Sharing helps us to process multiple and contradictory emotions that may arise out of grief. I feel sad knowing that you had to face such turbulent times. But I also know that you have the ability to process your emotions and hold on despite hard circumstances. It is not easy, specially when you have such small children.
Knowing about the side effects of medicines and sharing information on it will help many readers. A medicine can play havoc in someone's life. During thyroid issues, I was given some medicines which made me extremely depressed and made me behave in a way, I was not , as a person. I talked to the doctor and she herself told me about the side effects and discontinued it. After the discontinuation, all was not well with me either but after some months, I started feeling better. Some medicines may make you depressed for a year. For a whole year ( and maybe even more than that, I don't recall now ), I was feeling sluggish and lost all inspiration to do something good and new with my life. I just dragged myself out of bed every day. No amount of pep talk helped me. I became numb.
So, I can understand what happened with your husband.
These situations are not easy. But having gone though them once, hope you find more strength and perspectives. I also agree about having some friends who understands your dilemma. In my case, I didn't have such friends at that time, so I looked deep within.
I believe that we have the power within each one of us to face life's difficulties and to heal ourselves. Sooner or later, we uncover that power. It is not easy. And healing is not always complete. Some sadness remains. But like you have said, some happy moments, some sparks of hope in the midst of sadness...and then some more sparks...and healing by this way, we move on in our life.
Even if we decide to control our emotions in the midst of sadness, it is not possible sometimes. I do not know what it is to lose a parent because they are my "ALL" especially my mother who is very very loving and my father who is very very close to me.
Since the last 20 years or so, I have been living far away from them ( in boarding school, hostels and then getting married and moving to different places ). When I used to stay with them, my emotions for them was all over the place. I could not imagine living in a distant place far away from them.
I do not know whether it is a good thing or bad thing but my emotions have become blunted or balanced over the years, because of different life circumstances and because of not living near my family for years. When you live close by or live together, emotions are especially deep, hard and strong. But your post made me think : Do we feel more emotion towards our parents even if we are emotionally balanced/numb at times because of different life experiences ? I think the answer is yes.. It is the hardest when it comes to our own parents.
I just hope and pray that we are left only with the good memories. I try so hard to create happy memories when they are still alive.

Anonymous said...

Your openness and vulnerability is so incredibly beautiful. Im honoured to witness your journey. You and your family are all so brave and Im really glad you shared your story. I love you so much and am so glad your in my life. - RS

Kmarie A. said...

R: You have been there for us in so many ways this year and I am honoured that you pursued me as a new friend this last year. You have been such a heart of mercy and intention. I appreciate your love and interest in our family and we are lucky to know you. Thank you for your healing words and presence.

Annon: Thank you for those beautiful wishes:)

S:Yes the side effects of meds are always important conversations... esp for each individual circumstance. I am sorry you had such an experience. I LOVE what you have articulated about the strength and healing found within. It's tough and sometimes we need someone else to help us find our lights but luckily we also can find them ourselves if there is no one else.
Losing a parent is such a difficult thing that will forever change each life...and generally we all get a turn at some point or another...or we lose a child...both of which are indescribable...or a spouse...its all so very hard and just because we all go through it does not diminish the importance of honouring the unique grief stages or the importance of our loss.
It maybe does help to have some distance perhaps? For me it actually comes from imagining my children without me- it makes me panicky- I know they could be fine eventually but I want to be there for them as long as I can. I literally live for them and if I lost one of them I would be destroyed. A parents love is so strong. But I can only hope they carry my light on and know how much they are loved. So when I think like that _ I know my husbands mother felt the same- a deep avid love for child that she would die for but wouldnt want to leave either without her ever unconditional love on this earth. It is heart rendering...Creating happy memories is very important with the ones we love while alive. Very true:) thank you for your empathy:)

RS: Awww I love this. thank you. I did debate...almost took the post down. My husband was good with it but I wasnt sure if it would be helpful or damaging in the end but then I realized even if it helps us- or just one another - it is enough...and for if it does damage- those who are damaged must face their own dragons - thus I kept it but it was not an easy decision. so thank you for seeing that it took some bravery and vulnerability. I am also very glad we met on that old blog space years ago and you are in my life. Love you too. xo

S said...

I hear you. It is very difficult when we are so attached and loving towards each other. I know that my mother has felt the same emotions (just like you) when both me and my brother had to travel and stay away from her (for education and job) after living with her for almost a decade or so. She was and still is very attached to both her children and I can feel that she misses us every day. I was planing to bring my parents to live with us so that we can stay together but my dad does not want to leave his ancestral place or move in with us yet. But I am hoping one day, they will finally come and live with us.
About your question on having some distance, I would say that it was not my choice. Life events and circumstances put me in that scenario. Whatever was the scenario, I have tried to do my best. In my case, since I live far away from my parents and since I do not have any social / friendly support ( due to constantly moving from one city to another ), I had to create my own coping mechanisms. Basically, I am an emotional person and I have deep feelings. In the beginning, it was difficult for me to live without family support but after so many years, I have learned to live on my own with minimum support. I do not know whether this is a good thing or bad thing but I do know that we all have that inner power within, whether you are with your family or away from them...that inner power keeps you going.

S said...

I hear you. It is very difficult when we are so attached and loving towards each other. I know that my mother has felt the same emotions (just like you) when both me and my brother had to travel and stay away from her (for education and job) after living with her for almost a decade or so. She was and still is very attached to both her children and I can feel that she misses us every day. I was planing to bring my parents to live with us so that we can stay together but my dad does not want to leave his ancestral place or move in with us yet. But I am hoping one day, they will finally come and live with us.
About your question on having some distance, I would say that it was not my choice. Life events and circumstances put me in that scenario. Whatever was the scenario, I have tried to do my best. In my case, since I live far away from my parents and since I do not have any social / friendly support ( due to constantly moving from one city to another ), I had to create my own coping mechanisms. Basically, I am an emotional person and I have deep feelings. In the beginning, it was difficult for me to live without family support but after so many years, I have learned to live on my own with minimum support. I do not know whether this is a good thing or bad thing but I do know that we all have that inner power within, whether you are with your family or away from them...that inner power keeps you going.

Kmarie A. said...

Those are interesting and insightful thoughts shared... yes they inner power is very important;) I hope one day you can have your family around . Xoxo

Nyssa said...

This was so poignant and it hurt like hell to read because this is so important. this is the reality of loss and how it can affect people. I'm thinking of all of you. I'm just catching up now on blogs. I lost my password so started a new google account thing. much love to you and yours- Glynis

Kmarie A. said...

Nyssa; I'm sorry it hurt so much to read as I know that you have had your share of losses... it is true that all of our stories are valuable and important ... thank you 😊 I've missed you here ! Looking forward to reading you again. Please send me the link when you set it up. Love to you too . Xo

Ashe said...

You had a wee bit of fun last year, it seems. Another post that eerily hits home. Trauma presents itself in many different ways, but the aftermath is pretty much the same. Y'all keep looking after each other and it'll help time heal things.

Coming from a supernatural perspective, it's so weird some of your religious acquaintances consider your intuition as witchcraft rather than a message from God. I guess if you were in church it would be divine intervention. I leave it there, for that's a long bitter rant, even if it may be of the type that'd probably make you say "hallelujah, amen!"

Kmarie A. said...

Ashe: yea it was crazy....and then three of us got mono. Lol.
Im sorry it eeirly hit are right about the aftermath ...
Yup it is weird depends on the denomination tho...the local charismatic church would look at it as divine intervention but def not the missional or evangelical forms of Christianity for the most part.
Lol nuts. I could have used a hallelujah amen!:)