Friday, October 14, 2016

Dyspraxia Awareness, Weight Fluctuations, and Body Image and the Light that is you.

I love the light on this photo. It was a mistake. Because I didn't realize the flash was on the mirror it did this neat floaty, gauzy effect giving the illusion that I'm holding light. Which was a little parable in itself. Most of my mistakes can be turned around into some sort of beauty. I have to always remind myself that just because it wasn't intentional does not mean it can not be made intentionally into something good.

Being Dyspraxic means I get to make mistakes into beauty often. Or at least own my perspective on them. I wrote about the struggles HERE (click) and it happens to be the third top hit on this blog. Which shows that people want and need to hear about the struggles adults have with Dyspraxia. Since I wrote about the struggles thoroughly I won't get into them here. Instead I will leave a link with my favourite paragraph of another's journey with Dyspraxia or Developmental Coordination Disorder which both my son and I have been diagnosed with. (His also come with a very low processing speed while I have a high processing he struggles more than I do and has multiple learning disabilities due to the .75 processing speed.) The blog below reminded me that it's Dyspraxia Awareness week...I never remember any of these things but they can be good prompts for writing sometimes. 

"Sometimes one line of the algorithm will be deleted and the information will need inputting again, especially if the algorithm is a fairly long sequence of steps. Dyspraxics often have difficulty remembering a lot of instructions at once, so for example whilst cooking we may completely miss out a certain stage. To compensate for this we often have to have instructions written down.
There are also simply times when random errors occur in the algorithm. Continuing on from the cooking example, there are times when things will be dropped and spilt – things that are definitely not in the programming code! If a line of the code is randomly changed without warning, this can often cause the operating system to crash and go into chaos – i.e. a complete panic when our routine suddenly changes! The DYSP operating system is simply unable to cope with this sudden change effectively, whilst other operating systems can. "
The fact above is part of the reason why I have a complete meltdown when my favourite jeans will not fit up my thighs. Most people have a tough time with this, but for me it is so much more than weight. The toughest part is the ADJUSTMENT. It's bad enough when I have to adjust my operating system to the rest of the world but when it happens WITHIN me...well, that causes my entire self to crash for a bit. It feels sudden and I don't know what to do with it. The clothes that were comphy standards can no longer be worn. It feels like putting away friends.

Now I know that there are a lot worse things than losing clothes. My husband often remarks that he is baffled at how I am a soldier when it comes to the big events of life. I can cope with death,trauma ect. with resolve, but the little things throw me into complete meltdown. One of the biggest meltdown triggers for myself is weight- either losing it or gaining it. It's not just about gain... I love a woman with curves just as much as a woman who is thin. I love all types and even on me I end up liking whatever. READ THIS POST FOR MORE. I end up rocking whatever I have to deal with and loving myself... but I have to be honest,  it takes me a lot of time to adjust to that point of acceptance. Whether going thinner or bigger. Thinner is slightly easier due to the clothing factor because there are usually more options. Something I hate clothing companies for.

Because of Dyspraxia and Autism I can't handle the abstract reasons for it all. I can be abstract when it comes to my beliefs, stances, thoughts ect. but when it comes to physical things I become a tad black and white. I'm baffled at my fluctuations and why they happen. I'm not a yo yo dieter. I'd rather die than upchuck (I can't even say the other words) I don't misuse, abuse or over exercise. In other words my body is my temple. While I don't exercise either due to pain, I force myself to walk almost every day and I attend physio every week.  I don't drink because of Lyme disease issues nor use any sort of medicinal helps. I don't take Tylenol even when in large amounts of pain unless desperate. I'm so aware of all I put in, on and around my body that it baffles me when my hair falls out in clumps still and my weight yo yos around like a crazy train wreck. It just makes me so confused and I hate being confused... ha ha I'm a bit of a control freak when it comes to my body. Why is that? Because so often I am out of control. With Dyspraxia I am constantly running into things, hurting myself and being clumsy. With Autism I am continually experiencing sensory overload. (Click HERE and HERE for more.) So I control what I can. Most people feel like this sometimes, but imagine feeling like you are walking a tight rope of complex wires all the time. One wrong move and you fall. When you are differently wired you need to have a bit more control or things spiral. Without control we lack autonomy. Without autonomy we lack respect, health and general well being. Without well being, well, you get the idea.

I have the hardest time lately and most of it is due to not fitting in my clothes. I cried. Which is both ridiculous and not... at once. It sounds so shallow but I'm a person who generally only swims in the deep ends of thought, conversation, and BEING. Thus, it is more complex than it sounds. It is about so much more than a few pounds. It's about more than body image as I generally have that down after an adjustment period of acceptance. It's always a cycle for me. I struggle at first, then I justify, then I accept, then I am free. And then it begins again. I'm human after all even if I am a differently wired one that often feels like a different species. Which brings me back to the image at the beginning of this post in my white tank top. Instead of a photo of the outfit and my extra poundage, I accidentally received an image of a light carrier. Something I should have seen in myself all along. Something I strive to see in others. Something that is usually hidden but should not be overlooked. Another lesson and beauty moment given to me by my differences. My lack of memory and mistake giving me a visible reminder of what I can BE.

When I used to be a Christian in the nineties...(yes this ages me) I ADORED Michael W. Smith. I liked the almost whiny tone of his timbre. His voice was soothing to me. His lullabies for my kids I still listen to today, his christmas tunes, and the songs for his girls. I sing "Anna" to my girl often. I guess my range of music tastes falls into my many paradoxes and ironies. I can listen to songs about god without applying them like I used to, but still appreciating them. Anyway, the lyrics to one song I often listen to when I am feeling very insecure is in the video below with it's hilariously epic eighties guitar rift. Here is my favourite lyrical segment that fits this post;
"You -Going through this stage, It's a restless age. Young and insecure. Still. There are doubts to fade, Moments to be made And one of them is yours . On the wire, Balancing your dreams, Hoping ends will meet their means. But you feel alone. Uninspired. Well does it help you to? Know that I believe in you?" 

ONE OF THEM IS YOURS. That's a beautiful sentiment. Often people with disabilities or differences will feel like they will not have their own moments (be it family, career, future or even daily little moments they can call theirs even with aid and support around.) They can feel like each time they seem to get something of their own it is taken away by either someone else or ironically themselves because of their own wiring. Some of our own moments are not accepted or considered out of the norm and judged when we are at our happiest. It can be hard. 

I am here to say that I have struggled. I still struggle. But I have had gorgeous moments with people, experienced depths of beauty in nature, made deep lasting friendships and happy short ones, and have lived some enchanting moments. If I continue to live I will continue to struggle but I will also continue to get the beauty too. The light is sometimes unexpected but it's there. Sometimes you have to make a few mistakes to get to it.

For what it's worth...I believe in your light. I believe in you, in kindness, and in bravery and beauty. Especially those who struggle with differences or struggle to see light within themselves.

Song Choice: Emily- Michael W. Smith ( I have no idea whom the people are in the video. It was the only version I could find.)
P.S. If you have read any of my other posts you know that I believe in darkness too...for without it there would be no light. I hold both in equal esteem but sometimes one needs to be focused on more. Even being an aspiring beam of light at times I am also an aspiring holder of the darkness  appropriately as well. I feel both are legitimate. 


Emilee said...

Wow that last paragraph got me-- its fire! The part about light reminded me of a couple of pins on Pinterest-- I'll DM them to you as I don't think I can put them on here. 💛

Kmarie A. said...

Aw thanks:) Love it being called fire:) Contributed to my day hugely:) Ok looking forward to them. Thanks for stopping by and adding your essence!:)

S said...

Thank you for sharing the post. I think I too might have it or something similar as I have some co-ordination issues, there are certain things I am clumsy at . For instance, I cannot cook in a very smooth or disciplined way. I go from one step to another, creating clutter in the kitchen, using ten different bowls when I need only one - while I am cooking. Or sometimes I am doing the dishes while the food is burning or I may try to do ten different things simultaneously forgetting that I was in the kitchen to cook..I often go from step 1 to 3 to step 8 like that...In other activities too, I leave a lot of things unfinished...I cannot drive or swim, I have problem with direction and movement ...also cannot process mathematical equations with ease... keeping the house is a big task for me, sometimes requiring the entire day. I cannot concentrate on my job and balance my housework ( which I tried to do in the past but failed miserably ) and I have to focus on only one thing at a time but that focus is also very hard. There are a million different thoughts going on in my mind at the same time...My husband is perfectly co-ordinated and balanced and that's how my life is going well. Without him, I am sometimes lost in my own abstract world of un-coordinated actions and thoughts. I have to keep a daily list, maintain a daily routine and plan everything in advance-only then my life becomes a bit easier.
About body image and other issues, sometimes, I think that it is my thoughts that creates panic in me...we tend to have many confusing thoughts about body, about relationships, about many, we want everything in their ideal /best stage ...which is very unrealistic...but we are that way...sometimes we think too much and too far which may lead us to obsessive thinking and create panic... But by doing so we are already adding more problems and complexities to our already complex life...
Maybe if we can just let go , or distract ourselves with some new activities, then the influence of a single thought dominating the mind vanishes....
I have to force myself out of my mind the case of body image too this works... force yourself and engage in some new activities like crafting or painting...the focus has to shift otherwise it becomes like OCD . I too have repeated and obsessive thinking pattern...I ask the same question again and again...again and again why ? why ? why ? even if the question has been already answered and explained by my husband or mom...It is because even if I know the answer , it is difficult for me to accept it. I want an ideal state always. Thats why thinking never stop. But the ideal state does not exist. It is the creation of the mind. But beauty exists. So even if we cannot reach our desired ideal stage, we create some kind of beauty to substitute for it. Live with beauty, create beauty but beauty is not idealism...I may wear a nice dress with a nice neckpiece ...yet I may not reach my ideal weight or ideal look. This is how I look at things nowadays. Broken things may not be fixed but can made into something else altogether, I mean something new or beautiful that does not conform to the social norms of beauty (if it is about ourselves ).Or it can be just left where it was, without looking back on it and accepting it( if it is about relationship with others ). I hope I was able to make myself clear.

Kmarie A. said...

S:Yes I think I remember you saying that on the Dyspraxia post! There are different manifestations as like most conditions- it is on a spectrum... ha ha I cannot swim either or drive well ( I am a driver one wants to avoid when I have to actually drive.) I can't do maths easy either. So love my calculator and computer! I also have dyscalculia tho...something I wish any of my teachers would have picked up. I am at a grade 2 level for math so I have no idea how I made it to grade 12. When I taught my kids grade two math stuff started clicking more and now knowing about disabilities in learning I can help myself more but some of it is too late in some regards. Luckily my children's math programs are online with a tutor so I don't have to help them or they would be screwed:)

Yes my husband keeps me grounded. I am his wings- he is my foundation. Sometimes literally a gentle touch from him reminds me I am a person of earth. Sometimes I forget and he brings me to the present. I get lost in thought and he helps me find a balance into the real world- otherwise I think I would be a lot less in this one...

YES!!! We do have so many confusing thoughts. I is so unrealistic and yea I get obsessive at first....You are right letting it go helps a lot... I am pretty sure I get OCD about some things...I do that too!!!! Yup totally. I think most INFJS want an ideal state always. And you are does not exist but beauty - authentic beauty...does! Love that thought! I love that outlook. This is a very deep comment.
I love your perspective. THANK YOU.