My youngest was curled up in my bed early morning due to weather which is his only trigger for anxiety. My exceptionally brave son is suddenly a wreck when the winds blow in. After multiple times of asking me if he could throw up, I heard his little voice quaver, "Mom, do I have anxiety?" I chuckled and kissed his freckled cheek soundly and responded,"This is undoubtedly anxiety. Feeling like you are going to puke because you have been shaking and your teeth have been chattering because you are so upset is part of worry. It affects everything. You are not going to throw up if you calm down a bit. Don't worry baby, storms never last. We do our best to stay safe and leave the rest which will happen if it happens. There is not much you can do but let mommy and daddy take care of it and rest. Let go and rest my son." And I stroke his brow and get in more kisses on his forehead because I know that one day he won't be snuggled up to me anymore. I savour for the sake of my future self.
As I mentioned before, I struggle with insomnia and this season is awful. When my husband and I were trying to calm down our son during the storm my brilliant husband put on christmas music. Rosemary Clooney and Bing Crosby were crooning, "Count your blessings instead of sheep" and I realized that while I try to do this every night to go to sleep, I was going about it all wrong. Maybe, I just need to set it to music because when I start counting all the gratitude moments I also remember all the counter moments. With music, it feels more soothing. "When my bank roll is getting small, I think of when I had none at all, and I go to sleep counting my blessings. I think about a nursery and I picture curly heads, and one by one I count them as they slumber in their beds. If you're worried and you can't sleep. Just count your blessings instead of sheep and you'll fall asleep counting your blessings." Sometimes I just keep whispering, "gratitude...I'm thankful. They are happy and healthy. They are safe in their beds, my husband is snoring and I am snug in a place many would give their life savings for...gratitude..." over and over because if I start thinking about my kids being happy and healthy, as an INFJ I will start thinking of the kids who are not this way...and then the thoughts tumble into a dark abyss of negative humanity until I can pull myself back out and the cycle starts over again.
I tend to embrace life wholeheartedly- the struggles and the good. Right now, the season seems to be struggle. Sticky situations happen. Sleep depravity and health don't aid the issue. My ferritin dropped again and I am getting so tired of being BONE WEARY exhausted. That happens when you don't have enough oxygen to go to your organs. Every day is a feat. Every moment of normality comes at a cost. Sometimes I want to scream that it is unfair when I do almost everything "right. " Or yell that I am too young for this and too young to hurt so much from WALKING. Sometimes I get desperate enough to complain to a new doctor but nothing ever comes of it except me feeling stupid later. I also hate hearing the standard, "up your iron intake" despite the fact that I have upped it and been on therapy for three years with not much improvement. I like knowing cause and I don't seem to have one except for my own theory that Lyme is causing this. I need to see my naturopath again but can't get in until october so I am just coping. I need support and I should have realized this sooner so that is on me. "Bartender pour the wine- cuz the hurtin’s on mine. Tonight the heartaches on me.”- Dixie Chicks
I am reframing my perceptions and mentalities about such subjects but I can't tackle a couple decades worth of preconditioning in one year. Some days I come out with the "screw it all- I am worthy and wonderful" mentality and other days it's an effort to want to look in the mirror. Yup, I am a work in progress. It may seem frivolous but anyone who believes that they do not give some consideration to their health or appearance and how that affects their day to day lives are lying to themselves. It is especially tough because I walk every day and I have not touched sugar for over three years nor gluten for that matter. I enjoy my natural foods but sometimes when I see a healthy person enjoying an ice cream or a chocolate bar I think, "How the heck does that work? How do they stay fit and healthy and yet are filling their system with chemicals and crap? And I am still sick while I snack on vegetables, meat and fruit? WTF." Oh well, blessed genes I suppose or maybe they are so carefree their mentality just seeps into their body fabric? I don't know what I believe about the mind body connection but I know it is a thing...however, I also do not believe that crap that we are everything we eat or do. Because some very health conscious, positively vibe minded, good decision makers get cancer and some beer bellied, smoking, junk food obsessed wife beaters live till their ninety...so really who is to say? I suppose, like most things in life I fall on the paradox platter. I believe in both contextually and depending. It's so fun to be me.
There are other moments that are only ours and not for the world to know. Then there are moments that the darkness is forever enveloping. Some other struggles will pass with time and I don't need to speak upon them. But it all adds up. Yet, life is LIFE. I feel the joy of it while I sink deeper in the muck. Do you feel it? Do you feel the pain but somewhere, somehow there is also abundance? I believe one can still be depressed while appreciating life. I am an expert on varied forms of depression and they are not all textbook cases. But perhaps right now mine is anxiety and life circumstance based. Plus the world is just crazy but it always has been- we just have quick media to spread the knowledge of injustice quicker perhaps? I try to stay away from the news but of course I hear things and it effects me.
Thank you net universe for the free therapy. I came to the computer with a heavy heart and now I leave with a lighter soul. Music and writing...the way I cope with life. "Oh I'm a mess right now. Inside out. Searching for a sweet surrender but this is not the end. I can't work it out. How? Going through the motions..."- Ed Sheeran lyrics.