Friday, April 15, 2016

Reader's Responsibility


Most of my readers are from the States or Overseas. Most of my online community I garnered long ago in another blog and are part of my community offline today. I have moved my blog three times due to extended family issues and privacy concerns. I guess the question would be- why do I post publicly if I value privacy? Because it is nice to connect to strangers online, whom are not part of my small town or of the same belief system I grew up in, and the only way to do that is to leave my blog public. I have connected with many over email and made a few valuable friends. It's neat to find new connections. Still, I do value privacy and only post a few times a month. I also value being genuine. I do not try to make money off my blog, speak to a certain audience, or try to garner support by presenting myself a certain way. To me writing is like bleeding out the soul. I write it all when I write. The messy, the crazy, the hurt, the pain, the anger and the beauty. But to those who do not know my context, I am aware it can be taken differently.

We only see life from our own perspectives, unless we have become accustomed to thinking outside of ourselves. Most people don't try to do this. So what we read- we read out of our own perspective taking and lenses. We see things that may not be in the writing or the readers intent. That is the beauty of writing. Each author can put out their own words but the reader has the responsibility to interpret it in their mind for their journey. Or sometimes we see harsh truths we are convicted of that we would rather not see in ourselves.




My story is MY story. This is my space. It's my expression and my authentic life. The messy and the beauty. I own it all. I realize some of it is not going to be agreed with (probably most of it in my home town audience) and I am used to that. I am ok with that. What I am NOT ok with is people coming on, taking my words from their perspective and judging my process.

 If we didn't talk about the people in our lives and what directly influences us the world would be silent. While silence has values so does speaking, communicating and witnessing the journey. Some people prefer and admire those who stuff it all in and put on a face. Some people admire the ones who show it all. I am somewhat in between going more towards showing it all. Both are human.


Anyone who follows my blog knows that I show it all but try to give dignity. Even if I am mad at something or vent out a process I want to respect the people and only speak about what has been directly done to ME or my family. It is not my job to discuss what has been done to others unless I was a direct witness or it was done to my family. Does venting help? Yes it does sometimes. I am not ashamed of that. It enables me to let out my frustration, put my anger into words, see where I could be wrong and move on. It enables me to let go. However, anger CAN be triggered again and the process happens all over again where I have to come to my own conclusions, forgive, implement boundaries (if it is a constant behaviour) and move on. That's my process. Sure, some people may have a different process than mine. Maybe another's process is silent? Or festers overtime? Maybe someone's process involves gossiping or spreading more discord? Neither is better but we are all human and we all have to get out the grime. Preferably in some what safe places but no place is completely safe when it comes to human vulnerability. My process involves hashing it out on my forum (where I thought I had lost most of my readers from my home town.) I created this space to get away from some of the conformity of where I live. I created it as an outlet of expression and also connection with a few.


I am aware that because it is a public forum my words are open to discussion, community and dialogue. There is responsibility in that too to tell the truth. Yet my truths may be vastly different from how another sees truth. This is where reader awareness and perspective taking comes in. If I am reading something I disagree with it is my duty to either say something politely in dialogue with the person first before I point it out to others, or choose to ignore it as irrelevant. I get to decide if I need to put it in my story or move on. Can I be upset? Angry? Sad? Judgemental? Rude? Yes. But do I need to get others in on that judgement as a form of gossip? No. It is one thing to write one's thoughts and observances in ones own private places. I make sure to protect the identities of the experiences I write of. I never include names. I am also aware ( or thought previously) that most of my audience did not know of whom I spoke of. Just like when one writes a book. It may touch many souls but usually the people who are in the home town of the writer are not always in agreement of what the themes are. While those who know me may know whom I am talking about, it is my job to leave out names.

My blog is NOT a place for people in my general town vicinity unless I sent it to them directly or they are directed by someone I trust.  If they happen to find me out of want to connect- then make yourselves known in some way or shape or enjoy without judgement or at least without making it an unsafe place for me. I am Autistic- there are not many places I get to be me or get to be safe. Please respect that. Even then, each person has a choice. They can try to see my context and choose to read because they either resonate, learn, see beauty or challenge or because they are wanting a connection... OR they can decide that it's not for them, it can rub them wrong, or they can choose to ignore it. No one is forcing them to read my words.

If my words are being read it should always be with a grain of salt. Anyone who knows me well, knows I believe in freedom. They also know my context and that there is so much more than what is on here. Also, what I put on here is not for many home town believers. I do not believe in pushing my beliefs or words on anyone. If someone feels that I am-  they should stop reading. That is a reader's responsibility. We allow what is in our lives.

If you are angry at something I said, challenge me on it. Don't write about it to other people first please. Ask the source the questions you are seeking. Today I was hurt and angry at something that was posted on my mother in laws grief page contrasting me with another member of the family whose beliefs and process are vastly different from mine. I was called bitter and she was called gracious. That is fine. Believe what you need to believe and see what you need to see. I actually do not have qualms with that because I know I am not known by these people plus I believe in freedom of speech. However, I am not ok with coming across this in my grieving week on my mother in law's page. It's not something I would expect.

When anyone comes on my pages, expect to hear my opinions. When I go to a Facebook forum to gather pictures of our cherished mom (a friend put me on her page while she chatted with my children so my husband and I could see some tributes and pictures. Turns out this time I did not end up gathering photos.) I do not expect to see words about me on a place that I can not even defend myself- but I don't know how Facebook works. Not that I would want to defend myself. I would want to talk to the source. There is no point trying to change the minds of people who continually see you one way.

It was said that my story is not healing or believing in restoration because we have set boundaries with some family who we HAVE tried to reconcile with but also had to implement boundaries with. We got over our grief and bitterness years ago in counselling. We made amends with those that mattered. Just because one chooses not to have someone in their life does not mean they have not forgiven the parties involved. There are deeper matters at hand that can not possibly be understood unless both sides have been heard. It is not for others to judge. Witness and encourage or challenge...sure...judge...no.

Mom left a legacy...but she was also human. She left hurt and she left joy. She left the human experience. She wasn't a saint and would be the first one to say so. Back in December mom and I were talking and she said to me, “I apologize for reading your first blog and having the family read it. I told one person to stop reading it because I realized we read you wrong. We misinterpreted you -coming from our own perspectives. I see the people who love you and you are committed to you and I am awed by what you inspire in them. I have become to know you and what I read through my lens was not what you are. I am sorry. I will not be reading your blog again unless you send me something as I know you put your authentic truthful emotions into it and sometimes our family has a tough time with those emotions. We value more of a hidden process and often the phrase said to me in my childhood was 'don't air your dirty laundry in public' To me it was all about face. I am learning that you are authentic and real and something that baffles people like us . We are real too but our process is so different. Your blog is vulnerable place I was not invited to and I misused that. If I do read I want it to be out of respect and not judgement.” (Obviously I am using some of my words- I don't think she used the word "Awed" I think she used the word "happy" but since I can not remember her exact wording I am using words that will show what I remember of her sentiment and what she conveyed.) I got teary and thanked mom for realizing that. That was the mom who no one realized I was having a relationship with, even though we had a rocky start.  The mom I also lost. I honour her memory in all her authentic honesty and beliefs. That's how I believe in honour. In the post that was being talked about I was barely writing on mom. I was talking about her funeral. The posts about mom in my blog can be found elsewhere and she is the only family member that shows up quite positively because SHE SHOWED UP in a loving and accepting way.

I do have many emotions and I allow them. I also do not hold myself to christian rules of behaviour or bible verses as I am not a Christian. I, however, do believe in love and in grace, in a form of God, and that may not be well accepted here in my town, but these are my choices to make. I also believe I am allowed to write my own stories and my own process. If I am judged so be it- that is life. I accept judgment regularly. However, I wanted to point out the hypocrisy and irony for a minute of the people who say they are Christians and engage in this behaviour in past experiences. What point is made by drawing attention to writing that was not written for that audience? How was posting this on a forum where I am not able to see full of love, joy and forgiveness? That baffles me a bit and maybe if I think upon it some more I will understand.

The writer said that their heart broke for me. (See bottom of post for our reconciliation.) If a heart breaks for me, should I have not been contacted first before many other like minded people confirmed that this person was so gracious in response? If one is choosing 'love, joy and forgiveness' should that not be extended to me, the apparently wayward, horrid person? The least of these in this context? If so, should I be written about if the point of the writing is about grace? I get that this woman is close friends with my husband's eldest brother. Obviously my post is going to upset her and that is ok. Just don't say it's about forgiveness- Say it is about loyalty. Don't make it about God. Make it about family. 

I assumed the post being talked about was the one about the funeral (turns out it wasn't but my tribute to mom- see below. But I will address the one I thought it was first.) When I wrote about my *brother in laws speech two posts ago, I was writing about how it affected my husband and I. I made no pretences that I was taking a grace stance because I wasn't. I was working through it and I challenged the message. If I mentioned grace it was in the context that I am trying for it but its tough to give- because it can be...plus, I believe in dignity more. His message like that, made in a public forum TO US at our mother's funeral after many other contributing events, get's to be challenged in our story. Also, for others who have been hurt by religion I feel it is important if the religious are reading to try to see how, why and where it hurts and angers. That consideration is often neglected with thoughts of 'persecution' in mind instead of authentic dialogue. I think I made that clear. I wasn't looking for like minded support in my home town nor intending for any of my home town to see it and take sides. I know I won't get my perspective validated in the christian home town perspective collectively and I am ok with that. It sometimes sucks but in general I have my small tribe and that's all that matters in the end. I don't need the whole world. I need a few who get it. 



I was grieving and also processing above all else. Even if I am considered a bitter person, which I know I am not (and those I love me know I am not) that does not matter to me. What matters is - Even if I was the most angry, bitter, awful person on earth- even if that was my process....is that ok to call me on it during my hours of weakness and grief? Is it ok to not allow my own process? That's for enemies to do...and sure, then say I am your enemy. Don't guise it under faith or if one does put that call under faith- face that aspect at the very least. I sat through many sermons and I do recall many about the application of faith among believers (which I am not so the rules DO apply differently)...and also treating the weak, the least of these, and the ones who are different...in this situation I think that would apply to me in this time of my first death EVER in immediate circles. 

The cruelest treatments I have ever received have ironically been from a small group of well known "christians" and it has been hidden. The Christians that are speakers in my life are wonderful people and they do follow a gospel of love. The cruel treatment I am speaking of only applies to a few select. The tracks are covered well. Many abuses are guised under the heading of faith and an outward behaviour of 'fruits of the spirit'. The behaviour towards me in the past has been a form of strong Gas lighting. A term in psychology worth looking up and does not just apply to marriages. My friend who has her masters in Psych taught me about Gas lighting a few years ago when she heard of behaviour at some gatherings directed at me. She told me it often happens more to autistics because we take people at face value again and again. If they are smiling we think there is no ill intent. A very tough lesson to learn. We think if they say they believe in God they are good...I had to learn the hard way it's not true always. Gas lighting is hard to pin and even harder for others to believe. It's clever and I definitely do not underestimate these few in my life. I try to stay away because gas lighting is a form of hidden abuse and frankly, it is a strong reason why I need to be careful about protecting our spaces.

This blog is under an anonymous name and I put a lot out there. I do not care about my image but I do care about safety...I just recently began trusting my surrounding (in the last year) to add pictures. It was a mistake to leave a comment on another family members blog or send it so that it could be traced back to me...I got sloppy. I trusted the wrong people. While, as of yet I don't think I will take it private, I may in the future. I also only ever had two regular hits from my vicinity. This is vastly different from posting something where everyone knows all people involved and it doesn't take a genius to put it all together. 

* Through emails with the writer I actually came to find out through dialogue it wasn't even the funeral post that was being spoken about which I would understand a bit more and was addressing in the preceding paragraphs of this post. It WAS my tribute to mom. Then one I sobbed over writing because it came from my heart...and it was because I mentioned the Lodge 'pave the way to hell' incident. I did not name names nor, as I came to find out about the incident that was spoken of, it wasn't even known to me of who did it until AFTER I wrote the post. And yes, I still stand by my words in that post. No one should gleefully recount words of hell directed at an unbeliever in the name of those that have passed, even if the rest of what they say is well spoken. I wrote that for all who have been there and all those who are tempted to not think upon those types of statements. I don't believe those words take away from my honour of my mother in law. Also, that post came from deep grief...it's missing the point to hone in on that one statement. Isn't it all or nothing thinking to chalk it all up to bitterness? On the flip side every person does have the right to state their opinions but maybe don't link it to the page of the person who died comparing and contrasting. I told the person it is fine on their site.  (THIS was the post judged as bitter and compared to another's post. I am also wondering when it is ok to compare and contrast people, their grief, and their emotions as a from of grace in the christian religion? If grace is stated then maybe it should reflect that without comparing and weighing the virtues of people.) After speaking to this person, I realize it was simply coming from a place of personal pain as well as loyalty to friends. I understand that. I still don't understand keeping it on mom's site but I understand putting it on one's own if that is what needs to be done.

However, this is happened to me from less kind people in the past. If writings are specifically stated to be under the guise of grace, love and forgiveness- speak your challenge or your forgiveness or your grace TO ME if you feel that way about me. If your heart is breaking for someone- do you not have a responsibility to go help heal that someone? Or at least give them a chance to give context? If you feel badly for someone - how does pointing that fact out with meaningless words and no action help the other? Does it not just validate your own self righteousness to your own crowd?  Unless of course, one believes they are in the same status as God...then judge away, but I thought the scriptures of the Christian religion speaks specifically otherwise?

To my regular readers who come here because they either are challenged, go through similar things, enjoy my process or are just here out of friendship- thank you. Your comments are always welcome even if they differ from what I believe. As you can see in the comments of other posts we have disagreed on points. I have a newer christian reader whom I sometimes do not see eye to eye with but I really like her and whom she is so we have dialogue and respect. 

For those that hit my blog up simply out of curiosity or to pass more judgement- this is not the spot for you. If we already have a relationship and my blog makes that relationship worse- you need to walk away. We can have a relationship in a different way. For those that know me, like my brother in law, this place is not for you either. Show up at our door and have a conversation, show more respect and value whom we are or just don't show up at all. Choosing both only causes pain. I don't go looking for you on your own forums. I respect your space, your stories and even if I happen to be the bad guy in them, I know who I am and I can respect that too. That would be incredibly wrong of me to search you out, judge your words and read into them if you are not already in my story or I have not been invited. It's completely different for my online community that searches me out...They don't have to be invited. People who know me in life and are reading out of judgement or to get the dirty deets and like to believe they are christians full of grace, are a completely different matter. If I have sent it to family or have a relationship where I have pointed out my blog- fine.


"I know there is a lot of shame tied up in ending a relationship, and no one wants to be the bad guy. But we all owe it to each other to not participate in relationships where anyone’s self esteem is being degraded. It doesn’t matter whose fault it is, and it doesn’t matter whether or not it is fair. There are bigger things at stake here. Let’s not punish each other for doing the things we need to do to be healthy. "- Shea Emma Fett

It is a reader's responsibility, and really the responsibility of all of us on social media, to allow others their stories on their own spaces, but to also remember that we have choices, relationships and ways to connect otherwise. Perhaps I am weaker because of my stances? I have to be ok with that too. I also know I am in a weak state right now. My emotions are all over the place and yes this DID cause me more pain. Pain is life and I accept that. However, if this is about christian stances which in a way I was called out on- are 'christians' not supposed to have grace and ease pain? Also, are they supposed to hold unbelievers to the same laws? I think not. Maybe you disagree but if so you are welcome to move on, ignore me, hate me, judge me in your mind, but you don't get to say what I am, who I am or how I am. That is between your god and I.

In the end I contacted this person and asked if it was about me and if we could talk. She wrote back and this time I did see grace, kindness and compassion. It really does take going to the source- especially in the cases of strangers or those who do not know us. I am appreciative of her prompt response and we ended it well I think. I understand her story also came from pain. In that I can see and forgive. We both agreed to disagree. If I saw her in the street I would be fine to wish her well. I know her story comes from so much more now. I also feel better. While I still hold to my process, I also intend to grow in it. I also glad we both gave a chance and try to communicate even if we both still disagree with the other. For that is what dignity is in the human experience. I also hope she can forgive me for the additional pain I caused. I may not be sorry for my own processing or heartfelt sharing or for who I am but I am always sorry for pain caused. I hope for both of us, healing, beauty and dignity.

Post edit: After this was written I found out that Facebook can publish differently. Apparently this person did write on her own page which was her right to do...but I only saw it on mom's page. I'm still not sure how that works but I actually did not visit any other page so thought it was only posted to mom's at which I took issue with it. I do not understand how Facebook works, I trust that point and I do believe in freedom of speech for one's own spaces. While I take issue with aspects, I am over it (hours later) and ready to move on. Reader's responsibility is a thing and I am not in this for a business. I don't care about hits or how many people read me. I care about connections and freedom but most of all I believe in my authentic self. I OWN my stories. "You own everything that happened to you. Tell your stories. If people wanted you to write warmly about them, they should have behaved better.”- Anne Lamott






18 comments:

Anonymous said...

You, my beloved daughter, wrote a beautiful tribute to your other mom. It was filled with memories and spoke of grace both from you and mom. Your post was full of sorrow, grief, truth, love, beauty and pain. It spoke from your very soul and I felt honoured to read it and share your thoughts and feelings. Don't allow someone to diminish that in any way, shape or form. Some people cannot see the depth in someone else's life. They are too quick to pronounce judgement and do not truly understand the meaning of grace and God's deep abiding love for each one of us. Your feelings are valid, you are honest and brave, and you are loved beyond measure.

nyssa said...

bravo! this was wonderful. standing in your truth. standing in your story. this is your page. these are your words. you are amazing. absolutely amazing. I have the highest respect for you and love. you're so brave and fierce. i love that about you xoxo

Kmarie A. said...

thanks mom...The post about Shelley that I wrote the one with mother in law in the title - I wrote while sobbing...it WAS heartfelt and truthful and everything you said... Thanks for your words and showing up here today. love you too.

Nyssa: Ha if you could see me now with face streaked with tears, in sweatpants and wanting to hide under the covers you may amend that statement. I actually feel a little down and hugely misunderstood which does affect me but its also life and I don't want to be a martyr about it. If I am insisting on owning my story I have to own the pain too...but sometimes not so easy. Thank you for seeing me...so many times. thank you for your respect and love. Thank you for knowing that I am brave because it takes all my strength to be what I am...and fierce because Im scared and a little shaky but show up anyway. You see that...and I have missed you so. YOU are so much to me not just for validating my story but for always sharing yours in your spaces and inspiring me to live better. love you. xo

nyssa said...

admitting that your face is tearstreaked and that you want to hide under the covers, supports my statement. your vulnerability in telling your story and a very well balanced one at that even under such stress and in such a brutal time shows very clearly just how brave and fierce you are. remember, " speak the truth even if your voice shakes" and you do that beautifully. btw: I'm back to writing my blog too. I have missed you too xo love you xoxo

Philip CalledtoQuestion said...

Love who you are. You are a wonderful person to know and if others knew your heart as I do they would be awed. Religion can get the better of some leaving their worst for the rest of us. They say forgive, but worship a doctrine of punishment, "Join us or perish". Its called spiritual terrorism.

Kmarie A. said...

Nyssa: I am always so shocked at the people who come alongside of me with helpful support. My past life is so full of mental and spiritual abuse in the name of god yet very few see that and just believe if it is brought up that they are being persecuted. I am used to being outcasted and part of me likes it. This has reminded me why I have nothing- not even brief moments- with most of his family- the drama, the politics, the words, the judgement, the infringement on my privacy, the comparisons, the asking of friends to take sides...I want no part of that. I don't ask my friends to do that. I ask for encouragement and support but I NEVER want someone to choose me simply out of me forcing my perspectives. Also, the rest of the time away from his family is blissful. I actually do not have a lot of conflict in my relationships other than them...Of course I have dialogue...because our friends consist of many people who live very differently than us obviously we have many moments to agree to disagree. I really do not believe in conformity and the last thing I want is little clones of me. That is not what I look for in my groups...There is so much more I could say and have bitten my tongue back many times. On here I only write what is VASTLY bothering me or something that could help other people who are put in our position or an unbelievers position and not given any grace that is so often the guise of communication here.I will not be pushed around like that nor will I give them time that is again and again left with moments like this. I value harmony (which is why I showed up despite all this at the funeral prep and also was kind to all the family during their grieving) but that is not given back. I value privacy and freedom...it is not given...I walk. I don't believe in sticking to something just out of reconciliation...Forgiveness yes. Staying in the same situation of abuse- absolutely not. If that form of christianity convinces people I am ungraceful- so be it. Abuse in the name of the lord while people are being people and the insane amount of judgment is NOT ok to me. Im actually fine with how the lady compared me to the other...because I know my truths deep down and my experiences and she is entitled to her perspective. Im still not ok with how I found it but I guess that is Facebook. I also disagree as I said above with some of the guisment of faith over what is simply a matter of opinion. I do believe she can speak her truths too even if her voice shakes. But so can I:) I am so excited you are writing your blog again!:)

Kmarie A. said...

I love you too babe. Damned if you do- damned if you don't. Perhaps When you eat breathe and sleep Jesus doctrine...and attend the same churches with the same people and the same schools and the same bible studies and the same sort of like minded people it further just solidifies the standards instead of sharpening? So it is hard to see others?

I respect those I know whom have faith but are able to step outside those boxes to challenge themselves with books of others perspectives, education from another perspective and people...if they still believe what they do despite differences than good on them:) I can definitely be friends with them and they with me.

I am not against christianity as it applies individually. I am against the collective christian culture with the own kind of worldy bubble to live. It's a culture that needs more challenging and sharpening. Not all of it is awful but like any culture it deserves to be scrutinized, revolutionized and changed...BUt I am too tired to be that person but sometimes, like here, it can be talked about I think. I don't think most people are actually spiritual terrorists but yes sometimes the messages are.

Kmarie A. said...

@calledtoquestion...P.S. I just re read your comment. good points. Yes, like when our son was told by another his age "I hope you go to hell so you finally believe in Jesus." Not much different from a similar message the next day...and threatening a burning eternal damnation - you are right- its very interesting doctrine for the whole love aspect and we both know the ins and outs and whys of that but still when it comes down to it...

S said...

I am reading your story and I can understand what you are going through.Sometimes, I find this world too complicated and I do not know how to respond to others.So,I keep quiet mostly. In the past, my emotions put me in difficult situations. Now, even though the same emotions are there within me, I conceal it for the possibility of being misunderstood. My blog is the only place where I try to tell my story, just like you. But we all have to express our emotions , no matter what , till we feel free. We need to share ourselves and our stories with like minded people.
In the past, speaking out, talking or attempts of reconciliation did not help in my case because two people can be so different from each other that nobody might want to give up their point of view. Not many would also agree to disagree. This has been my experience.
This world is very complicated, far more than we ever claim to know. That is why we are unprepared by certain situations involving us with other people. We always dream of an ideal world, full of love and understanding, clarity,forgiveness,love, depth of feelings , etc.etc. But most of the world does not see it like that. There are "feelers" and there are "thinkers". Feelers are more sensitive than others. It is natural for feelers to find the world a complicated, brutal place. Every experience seems like a big blow. But others will not be able to understand this fragility. Whatever we express, in words and speech, others not only do not get it but are offended by it. I have observed this in my life as well. What is important to us might be very insignificant for others.
But that does not mean we should change our story or our feelings to suit others. Let them not understand, we have to continue with our lives with all our expressions.
Let them judge you. Do not fight with it. Accept that judgement because in that judgement of theirs, lies your truth, I believe.
I can understand when you say, "Yet my truths may be vastly different from how another sees truth." There can be many truths/perspectives.Live and let live. Everyone is different, unique and everyone is true to a certain extent or totally, in some cases.
Being different or having a different viewpoint or a different way of expressing one's truth does not make anyone bad or evil. It just makes them different, nothing more, nothing less. Acceptance of the difference depends on emotional maturity and/or compassion. Some can, some cannot.
I would like to tell you that since you are going through a difficult time,you are bound to be full of emotions and feel overwhelmed by the weight of this world. Let this emotion stay with you for sometime. Do not fight with it or try to make it go away. It will go away on its own.
Emotional turmoil or emotional processing is required for "feelers" to come in terms with this world and also with oneself. Feelers grow through this processing, I believe. Our growth depends on that.
Hope I have not said anything out of context here. Take care,

Kmarie A. said...

S: No nothing out of context. That was a kind, thoughtful and balanced perspective...one I usually have if I was not in such a vulnerable emotional places. Yes I am a feeler...and my growth will happen hopefully after this yet again. Sigh. Sometimes it sucks.
I think I am at a place where I DO accept the judgement. I have to in this town. Over and over. But each time it happens it always shocks me a bit as I know I am a loving heartfelt albeit different person. Differences cause so much judgement and sometimes abuse. The abuse part of it I will not accept and it is where I present a strong front because abusers and bullies only respond to strength.

The person who wrote about me though is not an abuser or a bully...she is just a friend of the families who is trying to do the right thing. I can respect that. We are also coming at something from totally different perspectives. I accept her judgements of the situation even if from my perspective it is different.

Yup, I am full of emotions right now- not at an entirely stable place and you are right its not evil or good- its just different.

Sigh this world is so complicated. You are always so full of wisdom. I wish I knew you in real life. I have a feeling our cups of coffee together would be full of dialogue, sharpening and compassionate conversation. I adore your friendship and perspectives. Thank you so much for honouring my journey while still imparting wisdom. XO

S said...

Thank you for the feedback. Remember always, someone's judgement = someone's truth. What I stand for, what I value, what I feel about can equal to another person's judgement. My entire life and my values may equal to someone's disapproval. My choice may equal to someone's dislike. Look at it the other way, someone's judging of something may equal to your love of something. Once, I brought a dead plant (dry stem with dry leaves )in my house to decorate. One of my friends commented that it is ugly and told me to throw it away. Someone's concept of beauty may seem very ugly to someone else.(But I did not throw it away, I have my own preferences.I stood by my concept of beauty ). That is why, we should always stand by what we feel good about ourselves and express our emotions.
However, sometimes people bully and abuse simply because we express ourselves.I also have been a victim of such bullying behavior. It made me angry and upset and I retorted back with anger. The bully did not back out. More anger followed. Finally, I realized that I am losing my energy because I am a feeler. The bully was going on in full strength.
I am talking about the subtle types of bullying here, be it emotional bullying or social bullying.Unless we become aware of the motives and nature of emotional bullies, we will continue to be drained by their energies. Emotional bullies take away all your energies by belittling you in the eyes of others.We need to preserve this valuable energy. They will continue to bully you even after you have drawn boundaries and made it clear to them about what you would accept and what you would not. They are more stubborn/rigid/inflexible than we assume them to be. So, it is better to not engage with them. This is my experience.
In emotional moments it is not possible to accept all this as I too lose perspective in those times. But I thought I would share with you because I have had my share of problems and this is what I have learnt.
Again, I apologize if I said anything out of context. As a friend, I wanted to give you my perspective about what works for me. take care,

Kmarie A. said...

S: You are right. While I will not be beaten down and implement boundaries they do only get worse. That is why we distance, distance, distance. We try hard not to engage though sometimes it is inevitable. You have a lot of wisdom and your points I need to give more consideration too as they deeply ring true. THANK You for sharing your perspective, what works for you and your wisdom.
All my love xo

Kmarie A. said...

Nyssa: Lol I just read my comment to you- I don't mean I enjoy being outcasted...that missed a sentence...I was meaning that is why I am somewhat of hermit now and protect my spaces and I enjoy that aspect of my life. I enjoy being left alone by people who want to set me straight... thats what I meant:) I sounded sadistic! ha ha...oh aspies...we think we are being so clear and sometimes...nope:)

Ashe said...

The sad part is I was actually expecting to see this kind of post come up soon. I would have actually been very surprised if you had said there wasn't a backlash to your tribute or how you felt about the funerary sermon. I feel for ya, I really do. I'll be glad when this predictable emotional roller coaster you've been tossed on comes to an end so you can get back to normal life. Unless somebody just really wants to drag it out, this cycle should be just about complete and you can start on the next step of the healing process that involves processing the socializing part of these events. The only advice I've got is that when you start feeling too bogged down with trying to deal with this mess, just take a break and think about all the lovely things that happened, like the flowers and food, or take a full mental break by going outside or goofing off with your husband and/or kids until you've regained enough strength to continue mending and pondering. Which I reckon you probably already know to do since this isn't your first rodeo with this kind of situation.

If you end up having to change blogs again, toss me the new link in an email or something. I haven't got the slightest idea how to track you down. :P

Kmarie A. said...

Hey Ashe:
It makes sense that you were expecting it being an INTJ who also sees patterns of behaviour like an INFJ- you are a lot like my bestie who is also your type in that regard. Weirdly enough though I was VERY shocked at the backlash from my tribute- that DID take me by surprise and most things don't. I WOULD get the funeral sermon one- ha and was expecting that if it got in the wrong hands...but honestly- My hits previously never told me that someone from my town vicinity or family were reading my blog anymore- and that tribute was so heartfelt that I guess I was blinded my own genuine emotion I suppose...

Thanks for feeling for me but I guess it is just life...and everyone deserves their own grief processes- some people lash out too and maybe the family is doing that too and they deserve their processes. Normal life....that sounds like a dream come true. Yes I am terrible at socializing processing as you know being Autistic yourself...oh thought you would like to know the gal who taught me gas lighting physch is also Autistic and IS AMAZING in her field.

Good advice. I shall do that. We have taken a lot of mini breaks from the house...he goes back to work this week and that will be hard but my parents come home soon...and my bestie is here...ha ha def not my first rodeo...

I will send you the link- did you get my other comment back to you before? I cant find your link. I also think I may have your email. For now I am going to leave my blog up. I can't choose one way out of fear but I may eventually for a multitude of reasons but it has to be balanced...For now it stays open:)

Ashe said...

I look forward to future posts then. :)

I'll toss ya an email to make sure you've still got my address.

FlutistPride said...

Was said backlash from me? If so, I'm sorry and I hope you can forgive me. I never meant it to be an attack. You may think otherwise, but that's not at all what I meant! I should keep a better grip on my tongue/fingers next time. Again, I'm sorry if I crossed any lines.

Kmarie A. said...

@flutist pride: Oh my goodness NO!:) There was this thing on Facebook in my hometown plus some family things...Its not you AT ALL>I enjoy your comments....ALL of them. yes we differ on things at times but I enjoy that you are kind but have your freedom to say what you want to say. DO NOT keep a better grip on your tongue- PLEASE be whom you are:)

And to make you laugh:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X9IYyIrGcv0
this makes me so happy- Canadian RCMP - so cheesy- loved it:)

Again - you never crossed any lines. No worries but thank you for thinking of me!
Love