Sunday, January 17, 2016

INFJ: The Magic, The Oddness,The Door Slam, And the Dark Charm

2021 update: According to marketing formats ENTJ is the rarest type, followed by ENFJ then INFJ. 
*NOTE: As I have mentioned before in posts, personality is ONE aspect of being human and your individual make up. Environment, upbringing, birth, health, trauma, life experience, mental or cognitive differences, genetics, beliefs, gender preferences, country of origin....there are so many aspects that make up YOU. However, I firmly believe finding your accurate personality helps you understand more of yourself and how you work. Take a free test HERE: - or sign up with an email and take test here (this site has amazing insight, podcasts and videos.) The key is to answer as you ARE and not as you would want to be like. Meyers Briggs/ Keirsey is what the 16 personalities is based on and has research behind it for a reason. It is more of a descriptor of what you value and how you work out of the world in regards to communication and relationships. I am speaking with authority about INFJ because I am one. However, I make sure I am also reading up on all of the other types and I listen to every single Personality Hacker. Understanding more than just your type is key but writing about YOUR type can help the world. I encourage you, if you are not an INFJ, to write about your type and feel free to link it in the comments, as we need more personal stories on other types out there:) *

This blog post will probably be of interest to you only if you are an INFJ, love an INFJ, are extremely curious, or just enjoy learning about people.

Over the years, I have discovered how important it is for self understanding. Since my personality type is complex and rare, I have also learned how important it is to explain myself, to the best of my ability, to the people who need to understand me the most. This means my husband, children and best friend. INFJs understand me best because this personality type is the rarest in the world making up less than 1%. But my world is also magnified and brought to beauty by other fellow kindreds of all types of personalities.

It's not often that I find my tribe. It's even rarer for me to read an article and agree with the entire post. I found three that highlight particular attributes of the INFJ and I will highlight my favourite paragraphs (which happened to be tough as each article in it's entirety was my favourite!) and add my thoughts below. If you are in INFJ or happen to love an INFJ or are just simply interested in that type of magic and crazy please check out the entire articles as they are spot on.


"The INFJ is freakishly intuitive. This is probably the other most important thing to know, because ultimately it accounts for their "superpower", which looks a lot like psychic ability but is really just hyper-intuition. Get ready for the INFJ to basically read your mind all the time, tell you your business before you even know it, and routinely predict events that will come to pass. This is largely an unconscious process, but the partner of an INFJ will probably realize at some point that at all times, the INFJ is reading the environment around them. They are taking the emotional temperature of everyone in the room, assessing body language, watching interactions, eavesdropping, sorting data, analyzing, questioning, filing new information, rejecting old information, looking for patterns. Constantly vigilant of everything and endlessly receiving data. (This sounds like a lot of work, but for INFJ it is effortless and reflexive; it's just what their brains do.)  This can be off-putting to people who misinterpret it as a judging function. It is not. Despite the "J" in the name, INFJ is decidedly not a judging type. They get the "J" because what gets extroverted (shown to the world) is a decision-making function, extroverted feeling. But they are actually a classic prospecting type, with some vast majority of their energy going towards (neutral) information-gathering. As such, yes, they technically are analyzing you, but it's not intentional, and ultimately it stems from a deep desire to understand you (and everyone/everything else)."

This particular bit of information is often tough for people to understand. I am not a judging personality but I will assess every detail and know things you may not be aware of quite yet. It's not something most people would love and I try to keep this aspect of myself a secret. It's also important to know that this is only a general accumulation of details most people miss. It is effortless but it is not cohesive. You are still you and you have so many other factors that make up yourself that I will not know. I LOVE this aspect of my personality for the reason that it connects some patterns quickly and I can figure out what is happening on a general sphere. I have learned to let go of people who immediately take my information gathering as judgment. I can't explain it and if they are not people who interact with me everyday then it's not important to know. I love my superpower. Most people describe it as "scary."

"Typically, an INFJ is pretty even-tempered and reasonable, if somewhat prone to defensiveness, and while also perhaps quick to get their feelings hurt, they are also usually quick to forgive once it gets sorted out. (Read: once you've taken responsibility for and recognized how you were hurtful. Just saying "I'm sorry" is generally not sufficient; they want to know that you really understand why it hurt their feelings). "

I am quite quick to get my feelings hurt but I am also just as quick to forgive. I am also often described as "cold." I do not often "get" poetry but I can be poetic on occasion. Most likely I will choose logic first. This is often a key difference between an INFJ and INFP. (See bottom links for more of this mistyping.) I am reasonable in general and even tempered. I loved how the above quote said that a "sorry" isn't enough. I always ask my husband WHY he is sorry. It's true. I find apologies insufficient if one does not take responsibility for their transgression. I hold myself to the same standards. 

"As for the "so serious" misperception, while the INFJ admittedly can get stuck (or even intentionally revel, because in all honesty, there are few things INFJs love more than to get deep) in non-stop heavy thinking/conversing, they actually can be quite light-hearted when in the right company. They love clever wordplay and are not easily offended; they tend to enjoy the company of people who push the envelope and are somewhat outrageous with their humour... There is a genuinely playful, incisively witty aspect to the INFJ personality that often gets overlooked if it isn't encouraged, or if they are in a relationship where humour isn't fundamental... People who do get their humor, and who encourage and draw it out, will get endless delight and occasional outright shock out of engaging in witty banter with the INFJ."

Often I get told I am serious, but as my husband and children know, I can be extremely funny at times. I don't take myself too seriously even though I do feel the heaviness of the world on most days. My husband will be exploding with laughter at something I say or do which in turn makes me laugh.  He's good for me. If I did not have him to bring out my playful side I don't think I would laugh much actually. I AM serious. But I (apparently, according to those closest to me) can be hilarious. I do love outrageous people who push the envelope. I like to initiate dance parties with my kids and I will do stupid things to make them laugh. Unless I am overtired or super high from an obsessive interest or connection, I don't show this side of myself to most people. I tend to have moments with my Rationalist friends or my ENFP hubby when I can not stop cracking up. In this zone of comfort exchanges, I can give witty banter and delight in off humour (often borderline risque or dark) quips. I find this type of relaxed fun to be a rare magic in my world.

"Accept that they don't know, because a) most people are not as intuitive as you are and b) you are a treasure island and they have most likely never visited one of those before." "

I have met people who are intuitive but not in an INFJ way...It's rare to find that, and each time I do find someone quite as intuitive as me they ARE an INFJ. And it is almost statistically impossible for each person to have an INFJ in their life. Unless you are this type, it is unlikely you will figure me out (which is partially why I wrote this post.) I understand. I have learned I can't hold this against people...the biggest favour I have done for myself is accept that most are baffled by me and that is Ok. If I want them to know me better, I need to explain and give them a map.

"I know you are at your core a warm and loving person, but let's face it: you can be kind of prickly sometimes... I know that the prickliness is hiding a gooey center... Most people don't know this. If what they see is a bunch of sharp edges and pointedness, they are not probably going to stick around to find a way around that into the beautiful garden paradise your prickliness protects. They are simply going to assume you do not want them in your space, which sometimes is true but often is not."

I laughed at the porcupine description with the gooey centre. When I read it to my husband and son they both exchanged "the look" of complete agreement. I am aware, in most situations, that I come across as  prickly. The truth is that I often don't want people in my space, but sometimes I do. This was more profound in my twenties when I longed to get close to people but did not understand my inner workings and why I was off-putting. Now, I mostly have my tribe so I don't need to explain my prickliness. They get it. They know I am both prickles and mush.

"You have to intentionally make yourself appear open and warm and inviting to the people you actually do want in your space, so that they know it's safe to approach you. Most people are not going to take liberties with you, because they will intuitively sense that you are not someone to take those liberties with. (Although the ones that do are often the ones you love best, because they are brave and undaunted by your forcefield. They bust right in like "you're going to love me, deal with it" which you secretly like. These are gonna be your ENFP types, most often.)"

My husband is an ENFP. Basically we have the best love match according to the personality charts. In our birth charts we are less of a good match. Most of our annoyances come from his Gemini ENFP colliding with my Scorpio INFJ. I have an Enneagram 4 with 5 wing with Autism, I am a highly intense, paradoxical individual. He is an Enneagram 7. 

We  are SO MUCH MORE than our personality type and there are many factors involved. However, the personality typing helps aid in understanding for how we work out of the world. Especially if we pay attention to our functional stacks. (Personality Hacker covers functional stacks well.) Our ENFP/INFJ match gives us certain advantages and strengths to our relationship.

It makes sense that my husband had to bust right into my sphere. When we were dating he confessed within the first two months that he was falling in love with me. I looked at him and replied, "Oh how nice." He practically forced his way into my heart and I am so relieved he did.

"You're constantly taking in and sorting information and moving it around and changing your mind accordingly without even being aware you're doing it. You can come off pretty inconsistent because of this (see: capricious, mercurial, moody). You know that's not really what's going on, but you have to tell people where you're at in real time lest you appear wishy-washy and confused/confusing."

My extended family seems to think I am the epitome of moody. I am thankful someone gets that I am actually not wishy washy at all but I DO change my mind a lot. It's easy for me to jump from A to Y stance in a short period of time compared to some people who do not even find a Y stance in their lifetime and I jumped to it in a span of ten minutes.

"The degree to which you experience (suffer from?) ambivalence is much greater than most others, and most people will not understand it. Ambivalence is when you feel equally powerful but totally contradictory things at the same time. It's like, "I feel this way, and this opposite way at the exact same time" or "My instinct is to respond this way, but then when I really think about it, I think this way is probably better, but that other way sounds good too, and both are true." You really have to clarify how you feel before you try and include most people in your process or they'll be like "what  are you even talking about"

YES! My most accurate descriptor is a paradox because of this feature in my persona. Most people can not do this and let's face it- INFJ's are magical like any other type can be, but we are also used to being perceived as odd. A fact I love, but for the vast majority it is easy to hold prejudices or dislike people (or concepts) who/which can not be fully explained. I don't bother including most people in my process. It honestly takes too much effort and most of the time it still baffles them. I do however try to include my closest loves in my process who have had a history of generally trying to peel back my layers or understand. They deserve more.

 "Don't mistake your brilliance at tuning into other people's feelings for any kind of competence at interpreting your own. You kind of suck at that. You need people to check you on your particular brand of crazy. You need people who know you well enough to bypass your defensiveness and hold up a mirror for you to see where you might be making a mess...You tend to want to believe the best of people, and can be pretty laughably naive in this way."

And this is why I have a best friend (INTJ) whom I basically have to talk to everyday. I need to verbalize to process my own emotions. I write on the computer or I talk to her on the phone for about an hour everyday. She is amazing and I love hearing her stories. She is my person who will protect my naïveté. She's like a second therapist except I also have the benefit of being equal with her and hearing her own methods of magic.

"Be careful with your superpowers. Your gift is making other people feel truly seen and held in safety. When you tune in to a person fully, they completely fall in love with how that makes them feel, which (you know) really has nothing to do with you, but everything to do with that feeling...because people are much more likely to feel close to you than you feel close to them, and you can be inadvertently hurtful because they may think something very special is going on when really you're just being how you are... In other words, know that you are not like most people. It takes you a long time (or a very specific and wonderful dynamic that speeds the process) with a person to really feel like you are being seen, but that isn't the case for most others. So when you turn your warmth on a person, they will feel like the sun is shining on them and only them. And it is, but that's because it's just how you are. Your warmth and deep humanness and the comfortable space you provide people to be their authentic self is a thing that connects them to you almost effortlessly. You come off to others as wise and knowing and deep, and it will make them feel like you understand them more than anyone ever has. Which is probably true, but it comes so naturally to you that you may not realize it's making that person feel like they are incredibly special to you. They may be kind of special to you, but in a way that like 85 other people are *kind of* special to you. Be aware of this disparity, and don't unintentionally create a bunch of one-sided relationships where either a) there's a major disconnect in how you feel about each other or b) you end up feeling like they are just taking from you and not giving you anything back, when they don't even know that's happening at all. You may not feel like doing this is costing you energy, but in the end it's not a great dynamic for you or for them."

Unfortunately, this happened a lot before I realized this was 'a thing' about five years ago. It still happens to me occasionally, but now I am aware of the disparity. I no longer hold it against people when I get them but they don't get me. I used to wonder what was wrong with me or why they were not seeming to put in as much energy into my perspectives. This is also the reason I have less relationships now. Most of my relationships were one sided and it wasn't good for either of us long term.  It also makes me slightly sad because I can not help how I am. It's distressing that I make people feel like I basically threw out their special relationship with me. When in fact, it was special in the way that all relationships tend to be special for me, but not particularly a stand most cases.

"You can be mean as fuck when you're hurt or angry, and once you say the awful things you instinctively just know to say, you cannot ever take them back"

Having accurate insight into people is a deep responsibility. I knew even when I was a child, that my words could wound a person to their inner core, exposing secrets they did not know they had. I decided (because remember the gooey centre bit?) that I didn't like this 'superpower' when used accordingly. I don't like to hurt people. I can be mad. I WILL door slam ( see below) if need be, and I can be VERY mean if pushed over the edge, but I don't like to be. Even when I am mean, I hold back 70 percent of what I could say. My husband would back this point up if he could. Even holding back, I still can be pretty harsh. Knowing people's deepest insecurities and how to push their buttons is a huge responsibility. Sometimes I just wish I could get mad like a normal person and say semi hurtful general things without having to watch my words so I don't push a person to complete unravelling. I have yet, in my adult life, to let go of myself and say what I could, and that is a relief. I am thankful for my incredible self control in certain areas like this.


Ok, so I didn't know this was an actual personality habit until it kept popping up in Pins on my Pinterest. So I checked into it and my jaw dropped a bit.

"You may have heard of the notorious INFJ Door Slam. This is when the INFJ completely closes the door on someone, shutting them out of their lives for good. It seems like a fairly harsh action for such a warm and caring type....INFJs are deeply emotional individuals, although they may not show it constantly. They care very strongly about others and feel emotions on a powerful level. When they care about someone they devote much of their lives to making them happy. INFJs rarely spend time tending to their own needs, often dedicating their lives to the needs of others. Their biggest goal is to help people and they often hope to make a real difference in the world around them. They take their connections to others very seriously, making it very hard for the INFJ to leave even a bad relationship behind. The INFJ does not “Door Slam” someone lightly, this is something that takes a lot of time before the emotion builds up much too strong for them to continue."

 "This often happens because they care very much about people, often allowing them to push them too far. Eventually the INFJ realizes they can no longer deal with this sort of emotional abuse from someone that they love, so they must remove them from their lives... The INFJ doesn’t do this lightly, and the process often hurts them very much. They want to believe in people, but even the strongest individuals can only take so much pain. Eventually the INFJ becomes completely emotionally burnt out, causing them to move on from someone’s life. This often takes time after time of the INFJ being upset and emotional, trying to resolve the problem. Eventually, they see no other option but to let go of the person that is harming them."

Looking back I realize I have done this probably about six times in the last decade. My best friend mentioned she has never known someone like me who takes so much crap from people constantly but then I can suddenly freeze those people out from a tiny slight (which means it was my final straw in a long sequence of chances.) This is what is truly happening and I sent her this article right away to which she replied, "That makes so much sense. Completely you." It takes A LOT to get me to this point. "They are very protective over the people that they care for, making them capable of becoming almost dangerous towards someone who harms them. It takes much less for the INFJ to Door Slam an individual who harms their loved ones. The INFJ finds this entirely necessary and justifiable, since it is for someone that they care about. They will shut this person out with ease, often done with a very clear and rational mind. The INFJs are extremely loving, which also makes them very protective people. There really is nothing worse than hurting someone they love and they will make that clear."

I find it way easier to shut the door on someone who has hurt someone I love. I do this rationally and I do find it justifiable. It's a calm reaction I have without much emotion. For instance, I am not much of a mamma bear in comparison to most moms. I expose my children to harsh realities and I don't jump to their defence all the time. However, when a family member continued to push their religion on our kids over and over, the final straw for me was when this person casually told my husband that perhaps Autism was a form of sin. The very fact that it was said so casually told me what I needed to know. It was the clear moment for me that no healthy benefit could come from an interaction with this person and my children long term...or their children because they will grow up with the same mentality. It's sad but it is reality.

 "Before the action of shutting someone out of their lives occurs, the INFJ goes through a very long stream of attempts to resolve the problems. They will most likely be emotional and put their best effort into fixing the issue. They do not want to cut people from their lives, especially not someone they once cared deeply for. The INFJ often takes time to come to the decision that they must move on from a relationship. They take their commitments very seriously, wanting to build strong and lifelong connections."

I think deeply and hold myself accountable for all my actions. I realize that a door slam comes with repercussions and once done you can never go back to the way things were before. It's a serious gesture.
 "They have to shut off from this person, almost as if they are dead to them. The INFJ considers the loss of a relationship much like a death, and they have already spent time mourning this loss. At this point they are simply removing the final memories of the lost relationship. This is no longer the mourning period, the INFJ has completely come to terms with what has happened. If the INFJ is still emotional or upset, than there is hope to resolve the relationship. Once the Door Slam has happened there is no going back. The INFJ has made the decision to move on and to them it is already done. "

Once I am at this point, it is already done in my mind. I have already mourned months before (it's an entire process.) It is literally like a death in my mind. A death of what was. I treat it accordingly. I find it interesting on movies when they scream, "You are DEAD to me!!! DEAD!" I can see how that is the emotional moment when one realizes that a door slam is necessary, but when it actually comes to pass, it is far less emotional. When a person is truly dead in the emotional sense to someone, the grieving is already finished, there is no feeling other than a basic respect for what was.

Some people have asked what to do to avoid this door slam;

"Simply avoid being shut out by an INFJ, by being a reasonable human being. They will take a lot from the people they love, but eventually it becomes too much. They will only cut someone out for continuous emotional abuse, or for abusing someone that they love. If you are kind to the INFJ, they will see no reason to shut you out. They understand perfectly that people make mistakes, they will even be willing to help you resolve your issues. Being honest with the INFJ and trying not to hurt them, is all you truly need to do... If down the road (a long long way down the road) the person who was shut out appears to be changing their lives and making better choices, the INFJ may consider giving them another chance. They will definitely be more cautious, building walls to prevent this person from hurting them again. They may consider being friends with this person, but they will likely never regain the closeness that they had before."
I have given second chances before. It's true, the relationship will never be quite the same. I may become friendly with the people again, but once my trust is gone, it is never regained fully. Basically this means that an INFJ theme song for most people they love is  ***"Ain't no Mountain High Enough" but then if pushed to the brink the song switches to "My life" by Billy Joel.

As with every personality, an INFJ has it's struggles and benefits. I love who I am and what personality I work out of the world with because it is ME. I also love the other 15 personality types.

Growing up and even now, I often think of people before something significant happens to them. The ones I love occupy my dreams in almost psychic ways and I often know when someone is pregnant, breaking up, or considering a life changing decision. My children think it is uncanny how the phone can ring and I will yell out who it is before they can check the caller ID. I'm not often wrong about this type of connection, if ever, but that sounds pompous. When I am wrong, I know it. I simply trust myself no matter how many doubt. Our pattern recognitions, observing skills and gut intuition contribute to this seemingly psychic phenomena. Really an INFJ is just very observational and able to connect seemingly unrelated aspects of life imagined or speculated to make a full picture of future realities. 

There is a certain darkness surrounding INFJS .We have darker humour, a capability to get lost in causes or struggle with our sensory side too much, or to even become a bit of a Trickster, but most of the magic comes from light. Every personality has it's darker bits...especially if a person is unhealthy to begin with. INFJs can see both sides of life a bit more strongly than MOST of the other types, because we experience both sides simultaneously (feeling/ thinking and dark/light.) 

"...please always trust your INFJ magic. Because it's real. It's legit. You are magic. You know things no one else knows, and you feel things no one else can feel, and you can predict what will come to pass with remarkable accuracy. You are hyper-intuitive in a way that almost literally seems like magic. You may think about people just before they call or text you, or dream about something that comes to pass, or ask exactly the right question because you already know the answer without knowing how you know. Your incredible intuition is a thing to behold. It is your superpower. Trust it. Know that your gut is usually right. Don't be bullied into second-guessing yourself. You know what's going on well before anyone else does."

At lunch I told my family I was writing a post about me as an INFJ. I asked them to describe me in one sentence without any further description of my post. My eldest daughter replied, "Mom. Creative, cute, weird, interesting, fun and hilarious." My eldest son laughed, "Hilarious, awkward, and other stuff." My youngest son smiled and said,"Cute, funny, weird and sweet." And my husband's response was my favourite, "You are an Impasse and Aporia (which my spell check wrote as apple rehab)... an impossible possibility."

That about sums up an impossible possibility. I am charmed by each personality and could write beautiful insights into each and the struggles that are unique to certain workings of the world. But because I am an INFJ, this post was easier to write with confidence. Even within shared personality letters we each have our own individual stamp of unique qualities. INFJ's are simply another magical piece of the human complexity.

A post based on the insights of Michael Pierce's video on INFJ and including many of his quotes from the video segment  can be found here:

Funny Videos made by INFJ Frank James on all the types can be found on his channel here:

A post about INFJ Boundaries:

A post about the many contradictions, paradoxes and ironies of the INFJ can be found here:

A post on the struggles between N and S types in Extended Family Relationships:

I also broke down and quoted Personality Hacker's brilliant video on Personality and Forgiveness here:

A post on Explaining the Difference between Introverts and Extroverts and Common Mistyping Personality Mix ups:

WHY INFP's and ISFJ's can be Mistyped Commonly as INFJ's:

The 5 Biggest Misconceptions of an INFJ:

I also LOVED this site and found every word accurate: and this one:

 Personality hacker has podcasts and videos on each type. Here is a few of their INFJ links:

 A post about INFJ combined with Enneagram 4 with 5 wing/ Scorpio/ Autistic and loving the loner life here:

My Life ( glee version of Billy Joel):
Song Choice: INFJ lyrics "'Cause every night I lie in bed. The brightest colours fill my head...A million dreams are keeping me awake. I think of what the world could be, A vision of the one I seeA million dreams is all it's gonna take.A million dreams for the world we're gonna make. There's a house we can build. Every room inside is filled. With things from far away. The special things I compile. Each one there to make you smile. On a rainy day..." A Million Dreams.
It has been said that INFJS are apt chameleons so I thought this song was a fun one for that in honour of the late, great Bowie:

My husband also suggested this song. He says her lyrics and actions remind him of the complexity and fire of the INFJness...ha ha ("you can tell me when it's over if the high was worth the pain...It will leave you breathless or with a nasty scar...") I guess only an INFJ could take that as a fun joke and compliment...


Unknown said...

I think the INFJ theme song is "Look Up at the Sky" by Laura Shigihara.

"Falling faster everyday,
But I won't hit the ground." is probably the most INFJ lyric set in the song. Loyalty, mystery, and paradox are prevalent themes of the INFJ, which is why I think this song is a good INFJ fit. It could also reflect an ENFP/INFJ exchange as evidenced by "Living for now so I could feel you\Breathing next to me\Please don't fall asleep" spoken through the ENFP. The INFJ later opens up by saying "You are to me my poetry\The one that I've been dreaming of so long." This is an ENTP perspective, though, so you may not find it accurate.


Kmarie said...

I have never heard of that song. Thanks for the suggestion:)
I agree that loyalty, mystery and paradox are the prevalent themes for INFJ:)
Yea I love my ENPF guy:)
Oh you are the Inventor ( I know the titles from Kiersey as that was the personality descriptors and tests I was first introduced to!:) Very neat! I only know one other inventor in my circles:)

S said...

Thank you for sharing this post. I can relate to your post although I am an INFP.I feel that the introverted Intuitive feeling types i.e. the "I+N+F" types have a lot in common in-spite of differences in their cognitive functions. As far as I remember, very rarely I have come across any intuitive "N" types in my life. I mostly get to meet the "S' (sensing) and "T" (thinking) types. I have also met a few "F' Feeler types but that number would be lesser than the S and T types. So, I felt really on the top of the world when my "N" (intuition) met your "N" by exchanging thoughts, comments and writings through our respective blogs!
Carl Jung said that is very hard to define intuition. I also feel so. Introverted Intuitive feelers (INFs)have very deep and complex emotions. So, I understand the door slam thing !
I have read somewhere that INFPs and INFJs see things from the same perspective but respond /react to it in mildly different ways.
We are more alike than different, I think. I have an ISFJ( not an INFJ ) friend and I like her a lot although we are different. She has shown me how to navigate the concrete/practical side of life and I have shown her how to deal with the abstract/philosophical/emotional side of life.
I love the fact that we both are introverts. Introverts are very self introspective and they listen to their inner voice rather than following social rules blindly. I have noticed that introverted intuitives (I+N) also create something new and give that newness to society, be it a new idea or a new thought in the creative field or in the intellectual field or something in general. And if you happen to be a "feeler" also (i.e. I+N+F), then you generally contribute in the field of humanism and social justice.
I think that the most beautiful thing about us is that we(I+N+F)give ideas and compassion to this world ...ideas that can be translated into action one day to make this world a better place. Although compassion is a human thing, yet many humans without the "F" function do not think it as important. So, we the feelers, the intuitive feelers, are more tuned to it and and perhaps have a higher degree of empathy and sensitivity which may help us to reach out to the neglected minority ( people with mental , physical or social disability ), who are rejected by society because they are unable to conform socially in some way or the other. Also, I believe that the "N" types see and create more beauty , either environmental or moral because beauty is such an abstract and intuitive thing, not many would want to create beauty everywhere, be it in relationships or the things around the house.

Kmarie said...

I used to be an INFX where i tied for both every time...but in the last two years I have learned more about myself and I think I tested that way as I thought J was more negative...but the INFJ does really explain me the best and now I don't tie for it but am sternly it...

I felt on top of the world when you found me and started explaining your thoughts in the earlier years it was so needed and still is! xo
Yes it is very hard to understand intuitive types! I agree with your assessment of INFP and INFJs...very similar! they often get mixed up!
I think we are more alike then different and an S is VERY different from an N in terms of working out of the world....I agree that different types sharpen each others!
I love that we are both introverts too as I don't have a lot in my circles:) yes to humanism and social justice! I also believe in that ideas and compassion....and I agree we often prefer minorities or people who have been rejected.
I love the aspect of beauty too...I need beauty to survive:) !
Thanks for your thoughts and stopping always enriches my world with your beauty.

nyssa said...

I thought I had commented! anyway, I am an Infj too. this was fantastic and I find it so fascinating and always have. this was bang on. xo

Kmarie said...

Nysa; yes we are connected on so many weird, rare levels!;) you are the only close friend I have who is a fellow INFJ. I find it immensely refreshing that you tend to understand where I am coming from on all levels. I love our unique connection and understanding!:)

Ashe Skyler said... is my favorite place to take the temperament test! But Keirsey has some of my favorite descriptions. It was my first one to take too.

INFJ suits you rather well. The Counselor. You do put off a pretty good counselor vibe.

I wouldn't use moody or whimsical/wishy-washy to describe you, or at least, not in a negative way. To me, being moody or alternating between neutral and emotional means that you're still in an exploring and testing stage with whatever the subject is, while a calm and steady emotion means you've reached a decision on the matter. I find it useful to use all the emotions to properly evaluate a thing. If you remain static and inflexible throughout the whole process, has a solid decision really been reached? And if you never reach a decision, well, everybody needs a good think toy to play with! (Fantasizing about various creation theories is my favorite think toy.) Not counting serious and fast situations like dodging an oncoming car. In such situations it is perfectly acceptable to have just one emotion and get the heck out of the way! Deliberating about it will just turn you into a hood ornament. :P

I used to be an INFJ, but I am an INTJ-A (the Mastermind) these days, although the T usually scores low to where it could be potentially interchangeable with the F. I've certainly kept that Door Slam thing! I believe the key difference between an INFJ and INTJ in that respect is that an INFJ will still try to spare a person's feelings to some degree due to their level of empathy. An INTJ may very well enjoy slamming a person's head in the door a few times, along with determining the most effective angle to do so, before cutting them off permanently because that would be the most efficient way to prevent a relapse in socializing with them in the future. It's a shame INFJs are rare, but probably a good thing INTJs are! :D

Kmarie said...

Ashe: I completely agree! 16 is the best place for the test and Keirsey has excellent explanations and a great book!
Thanks - lol- I am honoured that you think I put out a counsellor friends offline tend to say that too so I guess its a thing for me:)
And thank you also for your statement on moodiness...I LOVE your thoughts on emotions and evaluation...its true that inflexibility is not optimal either! I also like to fantasize about various creative theories...Lol yea the oncoming traffic may not be a place to do this!:)

Too funny- my son is an INTJ and def is not like me in the sense of higher empathy...I agree with your statement...but I am also glad to share the world with INTJS as there is a lot they/you can master, think and organize or are rare too! I find balanced INTJs like any balanced personality still deliver their message in appropriate ways and I think you have a very balanced being...I also find it interesting that you were so close in those 2 numbers as my son was too... LOl. I like your description...quite accurate and humorous!:)

Ashe said...

Ooo, I found a funny link and must share with you!

Particularly the Post-Apocalyptic Survival Guides where they have amusing short stories how type stereotypes might survive world chaos. Might want to make sure the INTJ one is safe for the son to read as it can get all sorts of twisted gears a turnin' in our warped little minds. Robot armies and world domination and whatnot. ;)

Sorry I didn't reply sooner. Crazy day job in full swing right now. Always a pleasure to make people laugh! I hope to make you grin for quite a while.

Kmarie said...

Ashe: I LOVED that site! Once I learned how to navigate it! Its an awesome site!:)

Anonymous said...

Your article is absolutely amazing. As an INFJ myself I felt like I didn't fit in for a very long time. But as I learnt to know myself, I learnt to love myself and the incredible gifts we have been given. Thanks for making me feel like I do belong, in my own way :)

Kmarie said...

Dear anonymous; this is what I adore about personality! When the results are accurate and confirm a place of belonging, understanding and acceptance in someone. Yay! I am glad you enjoyed the article and I hope you continue to find places in which you feel you belong while still embracing your unique and rare persona✨

Anonymous said...

I recently took the test and found myself to be an INFJ personality and the random web surfings about INFJs started. Little did I expect that I'd comment on your page (I'hv never ever commented on any blog, for that matter). But now, I check the date you'hv posted it and it's already been a year and I don't know even if you'll ever read it. But that does'nt matter. I just want to express that, I felt, every word you'hv used, describe my personality more apt than any other web page, i'hv encountered, though it's not all of it and that's probably because you are one in the club too. Thank you for this article, which I can finally send to my friends to help them atleast scratch the surface in getting to know me. Best wishes.

Kmarie said...

Hello Fellow INFJ Annon:

I do check this page as its my highest hit page. People seem to really like it...I think it's the combination of other InFJ wisdom incorporated into my own inner experiences. I am so glad to hear you found encouragement and inspiration within the article. Thank you for your expression:)
I am glad it could possibly enable understanding on your journey. Understanding is the key to both peace, and harmony in relationships. Please click on the additional links as I think they will help you further :)
Thanks again!:)

Unknown said...

Hello Kmarie,

Just wanted to thank you for this article, I had to smile the whole way through as I read. I am one of those "rare" male INFJs, amd have spent my life feeling out of place. I've gotten used to how people are astounded by me, but almost as often take advantage before they or I even know it. Even worse, I rarely even understand myself. I've had to take the Meyer-Briggs test several times in the past but generally thought little of what "INFJ" truly meant. Now that I am reading articles and seeing pins and such, I realize there ARE people who understand. I woke up to this a month ago after getting out of a very traumatic situation.

I performed a very big and emotional - but externally cold and calculated - Door Slam, (before I'd known what it was actually called) on my own wife. And I feel terrible, except that it was absolutely necessary. I had fallen into marrying a person that could be called a Narcissistic Sociopath. After seven years of progressive emotional and physical abuse, all coming from her side, I was a wreck. Taking on her emotions, and defending her actions to her own family. I gave her chance after chance to change and get help, showing her how even I was spiraling into insanity. By the New Year 2017 I began the planning stages of suicide. That is, until my closest friend, an INFP himself, helped me through it and explained that I was under a spell, and didn't know it. This enraged her and she attempted to not only take my friend out of my life, but also attacked both his job and marriage. That was too much. Once I had a clear head, took back my real personality - slam.

It hurt. A LOT. I grieved as though I were at her funeral. And really, I wasn't even sure how I did it. How I went from an emotional, depressed wreck to a confident, happy person in a matter of two weeks. Now life is picking up and improving at an alarming pace, and I found a way to fast track my dreams of writing a sci-fi/fantasy novel series for teens - even met someone in the publishing industry by accident just two weeks ago!

Seems that the INFJ traits in my life resurfaced rather quickly. A stranger came up to me for some small talk earlier, and on a whim I asked him "why are you feeling conflicted right now?" with no outward indication of it. He was very surprised, but proceeded to tell me his troubles. Much of it was environment related, and he cheered up when I told him that a pleasant, warm rain shower is coming in 2-3 days. After that, I stopped and realized - this is all true! I... kind of AM "magic".

Thank you for writing this, and for the links to other articles, it has helped to confirm my identity. One thing I wondered, do you know much about the traits and stereotypes associated with male INFJs? I'm getting a hint that some of us are considered sensitive, and even "effeminate". I didn't think I was, but looking back, I've been mocked most of my life for these very traits.

I know I'm a guy through and through, but in my mind I'm kind of... neutral, and I suppose it comes out in interests and body language without me realizing it (It doesn't help that I also seem to have a physical paradox; people notice that I'm small, pale, perhaps a little frail looking. The they double take when I finally speak, with a deep baritone voice. Often cimplete strangers immitate me to my face and laugh, out of surprise I suppose). Have you heard of or seen this before with INFJ guys? I think it's time I stop being insecure about it.

Kmarie said...

Hello Retro Specs:
I actually do not personally know any INFj males myself which is uncanny to me but you are rarer then even the rare INFJ female....I do know of many in literature, film, music, celebrities and such and yes, there def is a neutral gender quality to them...then again, there is with female INFJs too in the sense that we can seem pansexual. From the Male INFJ tube casts I have watched- most tend to have a smaller, frail looking, more elven look to their facer- and we all tend to be on the pale end even if we have olive skin tone like i do...but those are generalities that are observed and not always the case:) Owning whom one is - is always a good life mantra and makes for easier life overall. Especially in INFJ's whom need to own and honour their intuitive gut- and the more we do this- the better we become at managing life and helping others manage their own.

A lot of introverted thinking time is key. You may find all the podcasts on personality hacker helpful...not just the ones on INFJ but the ones on personality growth ( once you understand your car model) and the ones on partnership, cognitive function types together, ect. I listen to them regularly and they help immensely.

Many INFJs struggle to know themselves and thus others - until they find out they are an INFJ and what that means. This puts a lot of perspective and understanding into place which in turn gives meaning and fulfilment to their lives. It is because they are so often the rare ones in general circles and have such a deep inner life, that their depth of feeling and contradictory beliefs and natures can be confusing...

Im sorry for your traumatic situation. Glad you are enforcing boundaries which are integral to our lives. Hope you can find healthier ones in the future and again- personality hacker has some great podcasts on this on understanding other types. I have listened to every single one and the enlightenment has enhanced my greater perspective taking.

I am glad this post resonated:)

Kmarie said...

PS for anyone listening to personality hacker - the podcasts are free. You do not need to pay to listen to their podcasts or access videos so enjoy:)

Kmarie said...

Thanks Miguel. That is a great choice of song...Thanks for the suggestion:)

Anonymous said...

This was a breathtaking one. Thank you.

Anonymous said...

As an INFJ myself, no one can blame you for shutting toxic, manipulative influences outta your life. It's more than a coping mechanism; it's self-care and entirely defensive. For me, it's the absolute last resort; I'm a big believer in second chances. But if it comes to tenth... twelfth... twentieth... and they just don't let up with the abuse, I just put my foot down. Enough is enough. There is a time for everything, including a time for letting go. Just my personal thoughts on the door slam.
--Olivia M.

Kmarie said...

Olivia M.: Hello Fellow INFJ. Thanks for adding your personal thoughts to the doorslam. The post was enhanced some more by your personal take on it:) As it most often is when others chime in with authenticity, kindness and wisdom. Yes, there is always a time for boundaries:)

Kmarie said...

oh Dear Anonymous- I did not realize I did not respond to your comment. THANK YOU for saying it was breathtaking. I immediately liked you. LOL. Just joking but thank you for appreciating the wisdom of the many contributors to this piece and of personality studies in general:) Sorry it took so long, while this post gets multiple hundreds of hits per day, the rest of my blog does not (much to my happiness as a private person) so I often forget about checking back here unless I do upon a fresh comment...but I tend to conveniently forget about this hotspot piece:) It's a little disconcerting to see it's hits...but I leave it up because I have heard so many have been helped and my INFJ soul can not resist keeping well received help out in the world:)

Anonymous said...

Hi Kmarie,
Thank you so much for sharing this. Although I've known myself to be INFJ for quite a while now, I never really applied myself, mainly because I didn't realize there was anything to apply! I just figured I was weird, no one understands, and while people tell me all their problems I do not have an equivalent for myself. Lately it's been painfully clear and I finally have a grasp on the gravity of being an INFJ - and the responsibilities that come along with it. I had a smile on my face the entire time reading this article.
P.S. LOVE The Greatest Showman!
P.S.S. Totally minor but the font kept throwing me off, all the tall letters look like "f"s to me :)

Kmarie said...

You are welcome. That realization is a huge first step into future clarity, self growth and healing. Plus manifesting life in a way that matters to you specifically. I am glad that this article made you smile:) And yes, the Greatest Showman was amazing. I think I saw it in theatres 5 times. Lol. Loved it on the big screen.
I am sorry to hear about the font. Although some people have had a tougher time with it, I am too lazy to start changing it but may try to in the future. Until then, you can go to reader mode on web pages that are tougher to read and it will show you typical type writing font with white background. ... I often have to do this when reading certain blogs and especially when reading black background with white font ( gets me every time! Makes me dizzy!:) I will keep that in mind:)
Thank you for our comment and good luck exploring more of your delightful and complex INFJ persona!:)

YourOtherFromADifferentMother said...

Dear fellow 'weirdo',

In typical INFJ fashion, I read, analyzed, and absorbed everything you had to say. I now know and understand you better than most people I've 'known' for decades. Obviously, you and I have never actually met, but there is definitely a kinship that does exist with a few minor differences.

You mentioned that your sun sign is Scorpio (a naturally introverted and complex planet in and of itself). Are you aware of other planetary positions within your birth chart? I would wager a guess that you have planetary positions in Aquarius, and have other water elements (Scorpio, Pisces, or Cancer--all emotional planets) within your chart that make you a strong INFJ personality type.

And did you know that your children (at the least one of them) have inherited many of your astrological elements as well?

Your husband is a Gemini, and you're right about surface incompatibility, Gemini and Scorpio oppose each other on the karmic wheel. But the planets within each person's chart are actually stronger than the sun sign, and there's a strong possibility that your and your husband's planets are complimentary to one another. There are ways to compare and examine your astrological compatibility, if you have the interest in doing so.

All of these 'moving parts' lend to the complexity of a person. And understanding your and your loved one's birth-given personality is crucial for relating to one another in positive, healthy ways.

Please consider it in this way: astrology (the ancient study of psychology) is the *equation*, while the Meyers-Briggs personality profile is the *sum*. There is no disputing that one is born under a given order of planetary positions, each person is therefore 'hardwired' with a sequence of personality traits (in a similar fashion to the genome). That is why Meyers-Briggs is adamant that if the test questions are answered honestly, one's score / results will *not* change within one's lifetime.

If you'd be interested in learning more, please email me privately at my encrypted email address.

Kmarie said...

Yourotherfromadifferent mother;
Lol honestly at first I wasn't sure how to take your comment - I found it in my spam folder. But I re read it and laughed because I think I'm understanding your sentiments a bit...
I get what you mean how you could feel that you understand me more than people you've met or known for decades because sadly most people do not understand themselves thus they don't share much that is insightful or clarifying about their essence. I know I can communicate effectively aspects of myself that are the tip of the iceberg really but also give interesting information to the reader that is also partially a reflection of Being. Thank you for acknowledging that and by seeing the kinship in yourself, I hope that you also find others who can read this and feel kinship to you as well;)
Yes, I am a stronger INFJ type compared to most because of certain factors. True;) you seem to have an excellent knowledge of astronomy- thanks for sharing that info. I have read a detailed birth chart before and I like your approach to Meyers Briggs and astronomy!;) I hope you continue to find kinship in your research and other " weirdos" lol 😂

Jacquie Gonzalez said... nailed it. :)

Kmarie said...

Thanks 😊Glad it resonated for you!

Anonymous said...

Reading your article was like reading the words in my head. Thank you for writing it down so beautifully. Melissa

Kmarie said...

Melissa; You are welcome- I’m so glad it resonated deeply. I hope you feel validated in whom you are and work your natural magic out into the world ;)