Thursday, May 21, 2015

I Have Promised Myself.







*PICTURE CAPTION: I also promised myself I would sometimes (once every few weeks) wear more make up and dress up even though it takes precious stores of energy. I promised myself when I DO feel young ish, that I will make goofy faces with my kids and be ridiculous because I CAN.*


I have promised myself, like those who are sick often do, that when I am better I will sing. I will sing because I have the lung capacity to do so without gasping for air. I will sing along with the radio, no matter if I am off key nor spectacular, because it feels like a joyful explosion of energy. That moment when I used to belt out Defying Gravity while I scrubbed the cookie bowl was pure magic. When it's taken away it feels like a loss. However, I am trying to make the most of it and enjoy the sounds and nuances of music I can not always hear when I am cranking out sound. It's a different type of joy and a usage of different senses I suppose.

I have promised myself, like those who have blood disorders can only understand, that when my blood is strong enough to be allowed to walk around the block- that I will WALK. I will take each step and be thankful that my blood and my oxygen are working together to allow my muscles to stretch and grow. I will be thankful that every step is not a danger to my heart. I will feel the pavement beneath my feet. I will walk and walk until my muscles burn pleasantly. I am trying to  learn the beauty of Being and of sitting on the couch and allowing the boredom to create imaginative moments. Pinterest is a way of creating that exerts energy with a slight click of the button. I can inspire with one click and be inspired. Technology is a balm for when I have the energy to use it. I will try to remember what the feeling of easy energy was like and have more consideration for those who are permanently restricted to feel the ease of youth, energy, and function of body.

All I want is freedom. Freedom to walk when I want to and to run. I suppose my freedom is of the mind.

I have promised myself, like those who are bedridden know, that if I ever am honoured to have full capability in my body, I will DANCE. I'm awful at it due to Dyspraxia, but I miss the moments when I could swing my kids around the room without clutching my heart or having to sit and gasp for air. I want to forget my wide eyed fears and just be.

I have promised myself that I will live in gratitude. There are moments when I take a few fast breaths that I am awed at the intricacy of living; the guiding oxygen of life that flows from one moment to the next...so strong and natural yet so easy to be taken away...the fragile existence of being me. I sat on my deck soaking up the rays thankful that I was not quite at the point to stay in a hospital bed. I burned my face simply because I could not manage to get myself inside after five hours. The sounds of the birds, the hot sun warming my consistently cold, un-oxygenated limbs, and the fresh air were simply too beautiful to leave. I sat and simply was. I watched my husband work and tried not to feel guilty. After an hour, I felt myself surrender to my Being. I felt my heart turn to the breeze and watch the birds take flight. I realized that I can be a different sort of presence in the world. Perhaps I can not energetically move but I can be captured by the unassuming grace of movement.

I have promised myself, that in moments when I get caught up in the craziness of life, that I will remember this feeling. I miss gardening, painting, and doing. I miss the physical exertion of a chore well done. I feel lucky to have excuses to stop the treadmill of life...but it's been a few months and I am finding part of the loss tough to face. When the loss of a skill or life ability drags on for more time than expected, the changes that ensue have to be faced. I am facing them. I will wash away my negative thoughts. I am trying to find new ways of contributing to my family life and world but I have to walk through grief before I can embrace the new way of Being. I will not remain in darkness. There is hope to be found.

I have promised myself that I will not be a martyr nor a victim, but I will also not illegitimate my own struggle and hardship. To embrace either would be a disservice to those who suffer and those who live well. I am worse off than some, and much better than most of the world. Comparison is the worst sort of self abuse and I will have none of it. However, I will take the knowledge. In it I am not walking alone.

"I like living. I have sometimes been wildly,  despairingly, acutely miserable racked with sorrow, but through it all I still know quite certainly that just to be alive is a grand thing."- Agatha Christie.

I have promised myself, that indeed, being alive is a grand thing in most cases, and in my case, most certainly, it is a specific oxygen depleted sort of beauty. When life is focused on oxygen, breathing and blood - it suddenly simplifies. My light is being restored as my body replenishes itself. Each day I wake I am healing. This fight in my life, is only one fight of many. While I survive, I make it my life because it is my only time to BE.

"This fight of my life is so hard, so hard, so hard but I'm gonna survive oh these are beautiful times. My heart's burning bad and its turning black but I'm learning how to be stronger."- Owl City.


* I currently have a rather serious blood depletion that has not responded as well as would like to treatment and is affecting everything. Also, A few months ago I was also diagnosed with advanced Lyme and three co- infections...which makes sense given the last decade of health issues in my life. Probably the Fibromyalgia was symptoms of Lyme. Things can only get better with knowledge of how the body is coping and where to proceed, right?:)*





7 comments:

My Little Warriors said...

beautiful thoughts through your struggle. Love you friend!

Anonymous said...

Thank you for sharing - I need to make some promises myself!- S

Kmarie Audrey said...

MLW: Thank you:) Love you too and your encouragement has been such a crucial part of these last few months!
S: Promises are sometimes the motivation for the hope we need:) xo

Ashe Skyler said...

However cliché it may sound, I hope you get to feeling better soon!

Comparison really can be very detrimental. There will always be somebody better off and somebody worse off, and picking either side just makes you feel worse.

Kmarie Audrey said...

Thank you:) It's not cliche...and already I am breathing better thanks to a very talented naturopath and a few days of new treatments!

Comparison is aweful. Very true. Its all perspective...

FlutistPride said...

Does anemia ever make you feel like you've been dragged through a minefield by your ankle?

Kmarie A. said...

Well Lymes does! I think most chronic conditions do...anemia is a different sort of exhaustion...I guess yes in a way...it affects your heart and inner organs if it is depleted enough like mine was...its not something to mess with but luckily a blood test is easy enough and accurate.