Saturday, February 21, 2015

Glee and A True Young Marriage Success Story: Love Part 2 of 2: The Wedding Episode

*This is a follow up post to part ONE here: which was written in September 2013. To gather some context I would recommend that post. For those who do not feel like reading the short post, the basic point of Part One was that I applauded Glee for supporting young marriage (and a double minority of gay, young marriage) and I sincerely hoped the writers would follow through on the promise of a young union despite the critics. Glee, once again delivered.
(Picture: My husband and I, 13 years married, at my brothers wedding. I was the maid of honour.)

True love of any kind should be celebrated. News feeds are proof enough that tragedy, bullies, critics, hate crimes and intolerance's are plenty. The main reason I have stuck with Glee through the crazy (the inconsistency could be frustrating but I shrugged this off because LIFE is inconsistent and the fact that they made fun of it themselves was enough for me) is because it was the ONE show on television, that despite the tough, crazy or uncomfortable subject matter at times the heart of the show was based in acceptance, unconditional love, and frivolous fun. Out of my favourite shows, Glee was the one that could inspire incredible emotion. Songs have a way of touching the heart when conveying emotion, but it was the poignancy of the writers in unexpected moments that would catch my soul off guard. My spirit felt camaraderie to people I have never met. I felt united with people all over the world who were represented by the characters.

The struggle to belong, be validated in our short and precious journey of life, and be supported is a need we all feel, but minorities feel it more profoundly. Glee creators and writers had a way of filling this need through T.V. in unexpected moments to the hurting and misplaced that were willing to watch it simply for that hope...without criticism...who were willing to take what they could and leave what they couldn't. Despite what critics have said, I really believe that there are not many places anywhere online or on T.V. that gave/give hope without having to show opposing graphic violence. Plus, what other show breaks out into song with heartfelt innocence?

There have been numerous weeks throughout the years where Glee was my one glimmer of light.  I have been lucky enough to have the support of my husband but otherwise, sometimes I felt completely alone. Despite the fact that it was just a show, I felt like there were people, who if they met me, WOULD support the life decisions that we had to fight for....young marriage being one.

*Spoiler alert: I am going to quote a few profoundly written lines from the latest episode "The Wedding" in the following section.*

Kurt and Blaine are speaking with his father Burt and mother Carole about their previous engagement plans. Kurt says,"And that would have been a beautiful day too but you know it just wasn't meant to be, you know... young and foolish."
Burt:,"Hey, maybe you two guys weren't meant to be but it's like young and foolish? Come on, are any of us ever really ready for anything? You know, I wasn't ready to lose your mom."
Carole, "And because of that we haven't wasted one day since we met."
Burt, "That's right. It has been a crazy adventure ever since."
Carole, "It has. You're gonna make mistakes and that's OK. I've made so many."
Burt, "Are you saying I'm one?"
Carole, "No you are not one. You are one of the good things but you just have to take every second of every day and squeeze it as tight as you can. Just wring every last bit out of it. Finn taught me that."

As I mentioned in Part One, my husband and I knew at 17 that we were soul mates. It made no logical sense for us to wait until school was over or we were older, just for the sake of age, yet that is what people continually told us to do. Our support, which we needed desperately, was either pulled from under us, bossed and demanded from us, or hard-won. It was rare to have anyone with enough logic to see the love that we had and accept that even if it was a mistake, it was worth supporting love. Those who DID actually give support have stayed as a fixture in our lives and we deeply appreciate that accepting love.

We did not want to waste a day. We were not being harmful to ourselves or abusive, yet we were treated like criminals at times because we were (and never have been) traditional, conservative, or followed society's protocols. My eyes teared up at the above conversation because it was one I never had... and really wished for. I just wanted someone to say, "Are any of us really ready for anything? Go and fight for your love." As I mentioned in this post, "Marital success and wise life choices depend on the situation, but regardless, young love could use a little more support. Maybe if couples had more support and successful portrayals of the good and the bad, there would not be as high of a break up rate? Maybe, just maybe, those stats are a little misused? Marriages break up often, regardless of age. It depends on LIFE, on circumstances, on support, on personality, on communication and dedication. Thank you GLEE for once again fighting for the underdog. Finally, I got to see my life choices promoted in a positive way." 

I hope, if circumstances happen to others like when I was young that I give Walter's following advice to my children or anyone who is in love.
Walter: "I'm jealous. I mean you are right at the beginning of it all...You're lucky Kurt, Go be lucky and whatever happens, even if you get hurt again, just remember, the only thing worth doing is going toward love don't waste time double guessing and don't waste time behaving yourself. You gotta run, you gotta jump, you gotta grab it while it's right in front of you and whatever you do- don't let go."

My husband and I believe that we SHOULD grab life when we can. Love is something worth running towards. We have often felt like Santanna when she told Brittany that the rules do not apply, they never have, and we often make our own luck. Humanity has always been scared of that which is different. But there are a few enlightened or brave people who come around and who either change their minds over time, or dare to think outside the box to see that we are not causing harm but embracing LIFE and LOVE. Even if they do not agree, they can still CHOOSE to be supportive.

There was a conversation in The Wedding episode between Santanna and her Abuela which induced a few tears on my part. (A brief context: Abuela/ grandmother was Santanna's best support system until Santanna came out and she disowned her. Despite attempts to reconnect, her grandmother refused to attend the wedding based on her beliefs. It crushed Santanna yet she was strong enough to choose her new love Brittany over her grandmother even though it broke her heart.) In the end Sue brings Abuela to the wedding and this is the conversation:

Santanna's Abuela, "I was wrong. I'm not saying I agree with every decision you make. I still don't believe it's right for two women to get married but I do believe that family is the most important thing in the world, and I love you Santanna. I don't want to be the person in your life that causes you pain, and I don't want to miss a day that I have been dreaming of my whole life or the birth of your kids or any other important days."
Santanna: "I don't agree with everything you believe either. I just want my Abuela back. I've missed you."
Abuela: "I've missed you too."

The beauty of friendship, family and support is not in agreeing. It's being able to be present and be supportive even if there isn't agreement. It's being the people who do not want to CAUSE the pain because we all get enough involuntary pain through life. Life IS pain. Family and support do not need to dish it out because our fair share will come around. I deeply admire my mother in law, because despite the many obstacles we have had to overcome in our relationship, we both learned how to respect each other even if our stances on life are opposing in just about every area. There has been misunderstanding but instead of being the last straw, we both respectfully stepped back and re tried again with more explanations and understanding to omit subjects that would be explosive. Though some family members made big issues out of little moments or beautiful moments were ruined from their continual phone calls of judgement, my mother in law's deep love for her youngest son would always trump her stances. I saw that and it was enough for me. There has been hurt from her and from me but because of our mutual love for her son...she is the one person in the family I deeply love and respect. In our conservative community anything different is often disowned or tolerated in the hope that the person will come back to the fold of the majority consensus. One of our friends was  engaged to his best guy friend. When he bravely faced his family before Christmas, they had him come him only to be disowned Christmas morning with bible verses read to him as he walked out the door. Perhaps this is seen, from their perspective, of standing up bravely for their faith, but to me, I see weakness and an inability to be able to love differently despite the fact that faith may differ.

Burt (officiating): "I want to thank you guys for being so brave and so honest and for standing up here and showing all of us that love and marriage is so much bigger than we thought it could be and also so much simpler. Love and marriage is when two people say to one another I love you because I love you, and I know this is gonna be one heck of a ride and I don't want to do it unless I am doing it with you."

(Vows) Kurt: "Blaine I'm a man whose always lived in the shadows and every one whose has come into my life has always tried to pull me out into the sun or push me back into the darkness."
Santanna, "I have been bullied, outed and misunderstood."
Blaine, "I honestly thought that I would never find real love."
Brittany, "The world seemed so scary and confusing- it was just too fast- it made me feel dumb just because my brain worked differently."

At this point of the show, during the magnificently written vows, tears are leaking down my face. I also often felt dumb because my brain worked differently. Finding someone to love me FOR that, and having almost everyone tell him that he was making a mistake, or that I was too sickly or too odd, was completely devastating. Especially on what was supposed to be the happiest day of my life. Like the old cliche the car was waiting "just in case." In every big event of our lives thus far, I have had to continually tell myself that I AM enough. Deciding that any person is not enough based on sickness or differences is a form of prejudice.

Kurt continues to address Blaine in his vows as Brittany and Santanna also give their vows.
Kurt: "And then you came along and even if someone had told me that it wasn't gonna work out and at the end of all of our struggling and all of our work it would just end in heartache..."
Blaine, "I would have said yes."
Santanna, "A thousand times yes."
Brittany, "I would have suffered it all just for the chance to be standing up here marrying you."

I would STILL say yes to my husband despite our fair share of heartache. Even if it ends bitterly because the moments I HAVE had, have been worth anything else life throws at me. I have never been loved so completely by anyone. While my parents loved me, they did not completely understand my autistic brain and open minded view points the way my husband does. He has held up a mirror and I have seen my value. I also believe I have done the same for him.

Santanna and Brittany, and Kurt and Blaine close off their vows expressing, "I'm a work in progress." (I thought this was a particularly beautifully written statement by the writers. )

My husband and I will always be a work in progress. We are fine with that and those who support us are too. A quote I came across said, "You can not change the people around you but you can change the people you choose to be around." I have learned how to choose those who celebrate and not just tolerate or condemn based on their beliefs. We try to choose wisely. Sometimes we need to kindly distance from those who do not support. A close circle of supporters does not need judgement. Enough people in the world will take up the cause of judgement, hate and opposition. True friends/family (which can be blood related or not) do not need to be one of the main oppositions.  I know I am lucky to have my husband and the few treasured friends we DO have despite some differences, LOVE regardless. Our built in family provides advice without attachment to outcome, and show up if we ask them to without their judgments accompanying them.

My husband has never pushed me when I have not been ready nor has he regarded my shadows as wrong. Instead my darkness has been viewed as part of my light. Any shadows that have bothered me he has bravely helped me fight. Together, we are stronger than apart, and our soul bond delivers. This fact, gives me hope for the greater world we ALL create it Viewer/Fan, Creator, Writer, Actor, Activist, or simply person of BEING. I believe we all are unique and deserve respect on the same level. Together, in love and acceptance, we CAN help shape the world into a better place from our own platforms of living and being. Thank you Glee for being part of my personal platform of contribution and delightful witness.

As Kurt eloquently expressed to Blaine at the end of his vows, "You don't ask me to come out of the shadows you help rip out anything that is blocking the sun, it's time for all of us to walk out into the sun together. Is that something you want to do together?"

I do.

Song Choice: "At Last" by Etta James. This song happened to be on the episode last night which is serendipitous because it is my husband's ringtone for two reasons...
1.) Even though we were married young it felt like I had waited for someone to love me like he did and really SEE me from birth. At last... he did.
2.) He is ALWAYS late because his is an ENFP (click) and chats it up to anyone in his path. When he FINALLY calls me to tell me where he is or that he will be running late, my sentiment is,"At last!" So it is with both humour and romance that when I hear the first swell of the music my heart skips a beat and I smile EVERY time (even if I am annoyed which helps diffuse the situation. Who can be mad when this song is playing?!) With my Soulmate at last my lonely days are over. With him every day has a moment where life really is like a song.

The Chain- Fleetwood Mac ( for the unsupportive links:)


Philip CalledtoQuestion said...

Inspiring words, my dear. Anytime there is an opportunity to love, we should all place our support behind that opportunity. With so much hate and atrocities that occur in this world, why should we make it harder on those that give themselves in union to each other in love? Instead we need to support, encourage, and stand by them in their moments of love, in their moments of fear and in their moments of doubt. Love belongs to all humankind, it never plays favourites, never puts others aside, but rather puts all at the forefront of all matters as equals and as something to treasure. If only we could see one another as great and wonderful treasures. Thanks for being a voice towards that possibility.

Kmarie Audrey said...

Thanks babe:) I love you. Yes, family takes many forms and we should support any sort of bond that creates health instead of judgement. Thanks for being a partner with me:)

AsheSkyler said...

If more couples had your determination to work together and stick by each other, the divorce rate would be a lot lower. At this rate, you'll end up like my grandparents with a 50+ marriage. =)

Anonymous said...

You are one wise woman.
and i too, support young marriage. It's not about age.

it's something deeper.
it's about love and inner work and honouring each other's growth and the connection between people.

I really love this post.

Shelley.O. said...

Thank you from the bottom of my heart for writing this!

Rae said...

Loved this so much! Thanks for sharing! I feel like I should watch that Glee episode just to watch those wedding ceremonies. :) Love you and thank you for always demonstrating how to be true to yourself despite the opposition!

Kmarie Audrey said...

Ashe: I hope so! I would love to be 50 plus years with him...eternity does not feel like enough even when he drives me nuts. I have enough determination for both of us but he is pretty determined himself- communication and humour are huge:)
Nyssa: Thanks- you are right- its not about age...the same issues follow us through out life- its about what we do with our choices and decisions. and sometimes a mistake is also worth it. Thank you:)
Shelley: you are welcome:)
Rae: yes you should- you would love it...although for most of my more conservative readers I would go the other way and say if the post stretched you DO NOT watch the episode:) but yes, anyone else- sure! But I am biased...You're welcome- glad some can benefit from me being me:) xoxo

Anonymous said...

Thank you for sharing this. I can see your husband's support in your life through all your writings.
For us, although ours was not a young marriage, but it was a young love-A very young love and we had a hard time too. And ours was the first love marriage- both from my family's side and his family's side. We have a tradition of arranged marriages ( marriages arranged by parents where boy and girl do not know each other before marriage )in our family/community and we were the ones to be the first to break the rule. So, we were not accepted and there was opposition.
Things have changed now but there is a lack of acceptance and belongingness still.
Times are changing in our society and many young boys and girls are going for love marriages. I can see my struggle in them and I feel for them. When you are not accepted or liked,and when you do not get real support, it creates issues between husband-wives too, as you said and I agree. But after many years, I have come to realize that those who take a "different kind of decision" and make "unique choices", they face social /family opposition. I am living with this opposition but at the same time, I have realized that this lonely journey is inevitable...something that I have struggled throughout my life...I can't expect much.
About happiness in the midst of this: Well, I had to create a world of my own ( not that I did not have one earlier )and create my own kind of happiness.
In the coming years, I know that this new generation will make much more unique choices and the society is bound to accept them even though in our case, we faced opposition...our victory lies in the fact that we were the pioneers in our family...the next generation will not struggle like us as we are there to support them...
I can understand what you must have gone through because I also made a similar is hard ...but I will again take the same decision because my heart rules my head ...all people do not understand the yearnings of the heart...people like well calculated decisions...people like everything to be according to certain standards/rules...but we have listened to our hearts and honoured our hearts...and that's why in spite of others disliking us and others not wanting us, we are proud,brave and we create and sing our own songs...everyday.
lots of love,

Kmarie Audrey said...

Thank you Sweet friend. I love your response and your stories... I especially loved your last paragraph!
You are an exceptional soul friend and I am so glad we understand each other across the makes the world see more cheery when it feels a lot is lost...