Saturday, January 10, 2015

2015, How to start the New Year, Beating January Blues, New Years expectations and Goals- Why I don't have them.

The new year often goes unmarked for our family. Sometimes I am still awake at midnight and I hear the fireworks of the neighbours and their cheers. I smile slightly but have no inclination to get out of my comphy bed. I love that they want to celebrate. I also appreciate those who make resolutions or words they want to live by. There have been certain years where we set the clocks back and and at 8:00 pretended to count down with our kids. It was fun when our attempt at some sort of festivity happened, but in general most of our New Years Eves are pretty ordinary.

Even in the tough years where I needed a word for the new year to inspire me to live the next, it felt false. It simply did not match my journey. The word would change within a month or two and I often felt that it was like giving a post title to a blog post that was not written yet. Some people write their titles first to get their story going. I have never been one of those people. It's not wrong. It just is not me. I need to write my story first and then give it a title as an afterthought. Or at times, if I do mark a new year it is usually my Birth Day...the start of an official new year for me. Even at those times, I am careful about my goals and write them loosely. Goals are important to a psyche but only if the goals are flexible and if they do not set the tone for our entire existence or give us our meaning.

I really used to struggle with expectations and do still at times, but in general, I have found that any expectation for a year can not possibly be met in the way I hope it will. Sometimes it is better, sometimes it is worse. I want to live in the NOW. I like to go to sleep on New Years like every other night and wake up to a fresh day of opportunity, heart ache and delight like every other day. Perhaps part of it is that I am an Aspie and prefer gradual transitions? Perhaps my idealism hopes that if I treat each day as a possibility- no more and no less- I can simply BE? Whatever the case, I feel I am healthier if I do not mark New Years.

There are other holidays I mark that others do not feel significance for. It really comes down to personality. I do not resent the go getters who party on New Years and make lists of ambitions. It simply is not me. I hope they do not resent that I like the night and new day to be as ordinary and extraordinary as it is every other day. I feel this way of mine prepares me more for the onslaught of messages that try to tell me that getting healthier, achieving status, getting money, being free or whatever will FINALLY make me feel better or have a good year. I have had health, status, money and freedom- immense privileges but with them I have also had sickness, insignificance, poverty and restriction and I have found that BEING through all of these has brought enrichment. In some of the privileges I learned and in some of the hardships I learned, but in ALL I WAS. I guess that is what I celebrate on New Years, but what I also try to celebrate each day when I wake up...that I am alive, that I am grateful for the breath I am breathing and will continue to choose at this moment, to make it what it IS.

Goals and expectations and words for the year are all fine in theory. In fact, I love reading some of my friend's posts on these mindful pursuits, but for my personal story they don't fit. I have struggled too much in the past with living up to an ideal I put in my mind. I have found the years I thought would be the best, turned out to be ordinary or the worst. I have found that the years set up to start horridly  have ended in beauty, and some years have just been really hard. But, if I really think upon it not EVERY moment was hard. I smiled at points. I became. I had some beauty. The years that have been beautiful in sum- have had tears and pain. We often forget about the multitude of moments that make up our years. Profound is in the day to day ordinary with no marked words of description to describe, yet the fact of Being brings out contentment. The things I want to hold close to my heart are already in it. What I want for who I am, is already inside.

This MOMENT, what I am now, clicking on my keyboard in my pjs, sore from physiotherapy, listening to my children chat while getting together their breakfast and hearing the morning traffic pass by my cold window...this moment is what I have. I chose to share it briefly with you, because I know I also have something to contribute to the conversation. Those who write goals and ambitions also have something to contribute ...and those who do nothing at all.

I suppose my point is that a party or an ordinary day on New Years is the perfect way to ring in the New Year...but it's only perfect if it suits you. If it makes you a better person, a more compassionate person, an ordinary person who sees ordinary as extraordinary or a person who thrives on existence- go for it!  If you are an introvert who likes to avoid all New Year's festivities and likes to lay low through the January Blues - embrace that. If you are an extrovert who prefers to party hard through the January Blues- embrace that. January is hard because of the weather, the post christmas bills or because of the way we agonize over the old and new year...What if beauty and life is just in the daily?

We are all hiding and exploring in our varied ways. Regardless we each have to face ourselves. It is better if we face ourselves with honesty and perception into who we really are instead of living an expectation or a word or a list of what we should be. Yet, if those lists and words truly show our soul- they are part of our experience too. BE what you need to BE because that is what is brave.

Happy Right NOW. Yes, we all need a will to try. But it can be moment to moment. May your right NOW be filled with all you need for the next minute. May you find contentment and beauty already. You are already standing on what you need. You ARE.
This is our family's theme song. Love it.

I still love this song regardless...I also apply it to every day...Happy New Day:)


S said...

Such a beautiful, thoughtful post, and I can resonate with so well. As a " feeler" who feels so deeply, every sentence you wrote here conveyed deep meaning to me. Just like you, I cannot give title to a post before writing it, it has to come afterwards. For me, every occasion brings mixed feelings and feelings of contradictory nature. Making resolutions and partying hard is also not something that I like either. Maybe, I drift or get lost along the way...that's why. Maybe, we do not live for the " certain" but embrace uncertainty more than certainty ? Maybe, we embrace mystery more than the known ? Maybe, we are a bit other- worldly and worldly matters do not fascinate us that much ? Whatever it is, I am sure that by embracing the unknown and by embracing the path that is not fixed , nor predetermined , we make our own, individual path...we call it beauty amidst adversity ...but we define that beauty ourselves, not led by the standard definition...
I can see that your thoughts on New Year is very much like mine...we are constantly moving and growing...nothing is fixed for us...
We go where life takes us...we do not try to tame life but let life tame us, teach us and adore us the way it wants us to...
Take care,

Anonymous said...

Thanks for your wise words. This past week was exceptionally busy/tiring/extreme, and the phrase that kept coming to mind was “You are loved”. And so are you! Thanks for contributing in your own way to a place of loving and being loved. I was listening lately to a CD you made for me a couple of years back, and I know you put thought into it specifically for me. That reminded me that I am loved, among other things- Miriam

Kmarie Audrey said...

S: Thanks:) I love what you pointed out and this sentence especially" We go where life takes us- we do not try to tame life but let life tame us, teach us and adore us the way it wants us to." - LOVE THAT thought! It resonates with me deeply- all you said resonates deeply with me!

Miraim: Your welcome. I am sorry your week was busy but I am glad that phrase kept coming to your mind...and for validating it in my mind. I am so glad that my mix CD was providing love and happiness years later...that is a dream come true for me when I make them as all my love and delight goes into them!

nyssa said...

really beautiful post. ♥ I don't stay up or go out on New's Year's Eve either. It's just not me. The word thing is though but I noticed I view my word differently. It's not a word I live up to or strive for.. it kind of floats into my mind and i realize that it will pop up through the year, like a precognizant thing that is more like, ohh, i know what this year will teach me but have no idea in what way until the end of the year when I look back a bit and see how it all played out. I find that part fun ;) I love the moment too. Sometimes, it's because there are some really awful ones that I muster some normalcy for but those moments, even the imperfect ones and maybe especially the imperfect ones, stamp themselves in my memory and add so much depth to my life.. and they act as a reminder to me when I am on autopilot that when I do look at those moments, I can retrain my gaze and see the beauty in nearly ever moment when I take the time to do it. xoxo

Kmarie Audrey said...

Nyssa: Thanks:) Its not me either...I noticed you did your words differently which is probably why I can relate more to them when you or other friends do them...that does sound like fun- seeing how it plays out and I can also see that theme in my life with different phrases or symbols that seemed to more apparent in certain years. I love that you see beauty in every moment and that words help you to do so...that is you being...and what is true to you is also inspiring to me:) You are a deep soul. xoxo

Philip CalledtoQuestion said...

Wonderful thoughts. An inspiring post and a healthy reminder of practicing the presence of the now.

While I find it extremely difficult at times living in the now (must be my attention deficit disorder) the practice of it always has the effect of returning one to oneself. The now is like a anchor holding a ship in location while the sea heaves to and fro. It is as difficult to view the anchor as it is to view the now but yet it remains and one really only need to know it is there to observe it and take courage in it's strength in order to face the tumultuous sea that is life around us.

Thanks for the reminder.